If you don't shout at your children, what do you do when they don't listen?

[Ohmnomnom]

I feel like I'm destroying the relationship between me and Dd7 She's a well behaved, kind and sweet girl, but she does. Not. Listen. Every morning I'll ask her to go get dressed and this begins an endless stream of questions, faffing, distraction techniques, and doing just about everything except the thing I asked her to do. I'm also constantly repeating myself about putting rubbish in the bin, flushing the toilet, dirty clothes in the washing basket, etc.

Do I need to lower my expectations? I get so frustrated after asking the same thing over and over 20 times that I start to raise my voice. She's quite shy and sensitive and I feel like I'm crushing her spirit even more. Whenever I ask her why she doesn't do what I ask, she gets very upset and says 'I don't know'.

I get down to the same level as my sons (10 and 8) and I repeat my instruction / question slowly and not too loudly to have to make them make an effort to listen. I explain the consequence of not complying with the instruction and then I follow through. I have only have to do that maybe three times (no screens for a week, walked out of a restaurant without pudding which came with a child's meal and I can't remember the third) - they were significant enough to be memorable and generally we can have an eye to eye conversation about what I need from them and generally they trust that it's in their best interests.

What happens when she doesn't listen, apart from shouting?
Do you give some kind of structured penalty / reward for good behaviour?
Basically stick or carrot, or a bit of both.

My boys don't listen either. DH and I both work very hard to give calm, clear instructions but honestly, sometimes, when I've said it nicely twice or three times and it has no effect I will raise my voice. Particularly when we need to be somewhere or when it's something basic like getting dressed.

What age? Assuming under 8.

Thats an interesting question, I'll answer as soon as you are dressed.

Call to come and flush toilet/put thing in bin etc everytime. If they don't come count to 3 and follow through with a known consequence. No need to shout. Takes time but it you are consistent it will work.

There is no point in asking them why, they don't really know the answer, they just need to develop the habits.

When it comes to routines to get our the door etc I really do think asking her what should come next / be 'in charge' might be a tactic to help her remember/listen? Have you tried that?

Also, if you threaten a consequence you have to follow through even when it's awful for both of you (no screens for a week for instance was penance for us all).

Oh and lots of specific praise when they get it right. You were super fast this morning getting dressed, we now have time for

When mine were that age I used to count to ten.

I never got to ten which was lucky because I had nothing!

Are you asking her to do too many things at once? Try breaking it down into smaller jobs.

Also try standing with her. Ok, get dressed now please. And stand there. If she's fiddling with something then take it off her and repeat the request.

Do you leave enough time for transitions or are you rushing? Would getting up even 15 minutes earlier help?

Do you have a routine? Same things in the same order at the same time every day can work.

If mine aren’t dressed I tell them they’ll have to get on the car and go to school in Pyjamas. They soon get a wriggle on. They don’t get breakfast til after they’re dressed either and yes I’ve sent them with no breakfast if they’ve ran out of time - natural consequence.

A typical example is:

DD, please go and get dressed.

Did you know, an elemental dragon has 5 powers that....

Get dressed first then we'll talk

Are you getting dressed?

DD, get dressed please or we're going to be late!

My stomach/head/toes/hair hurts I need medicine

Ok, get dressed and I'll check you over

Did you know, Sharon from school likes dragons as well?

AAAAAAARGGHH!

That's one for standing there right next to her and repeating get dressed and not engaging with anything else until she's dressed ime

I used to break it down item by item when mine were young. Even "get dressed" was too big a thing for one instruction. But mine are autistic so I do understand there are differences. I still think many of the techniques that worked on mine can work well on NT children too.

I used to lower my voice like someone else on here, worked really well. If they are still not listening. I did the count to ten.
Last thing that really worked was "If you can't get ready in time in the morning, then we'll have to get up earlier, that means bed earlier so you get enough sleep, Shall we start with earlier bedtime tonight?"

@Ohmnomnom my DD is exactly the same! School mornings, in fact any mornings, make me want to stab my own eyes out with rage.

I mainly manage it by making sure she goes to bed early so she can then wake up early with plenty of time. She doesn’t like to be rushed 🙄 I give very clear, specific instructions and don’t engage with her when she tries to chat. Just say things like ‘we can talk about that when you’re dressed’ or ‘I’ll look at your wobbly tooth / scabby knee / itchy arm when you’re dressed’. And I take a lot of deep breaths. And sometimes I loose my shit. It’s so hard. And I’ve read all the ‘how to talk so kids will listen’ books but sometimes I want to shout ‘just get fucking dresssssssed!!!’ but I don’t. I’m hoping it’s just a phase. I can’t wait for summer when she has less items of clothing to have to physically put on!!

I agree that what works for mine is consequences that they’ve seen happen a few times, which was enough for them to not want to risk it happening again. I sometimes say “what do you think will happen if you don’t do ask I’ve asked” that is generally all it takes. I do struggle with my eldest remembering what he’s supposed to do though.

I punish! My kids are 6 and 7 and i give my instructions once very clearly. If they ignore it they get a gentle reminder. If it still doesnt happen there will be no screens that day. When i started this they went without screens for several weeks. Then got a day of tv and the next day already no screens again. They get it now though and when i remind them they usually run pretty quickly.

I've never ever had to shout at mine. Shouting by an adult to a child shows the adult has lost control of the situation and will only escalate things.

Set a routine - it will be different for school days/holidays or weekends but set it up and stick with it. Keep it very basic - dressing, teeth, breakfast.

If necessary use visual cards to help a child remember the routine. You can then point to what needs to be done.

Then keep it simple - 'You need to.....' - 'well done, what do you need to do next' 'When you have done .... we can do .....'

Minimise choice (max of 2 and if there is no choice, there is no choice) , get stuff ready the night before.

Don't ask - it's not a request, it's a statement - 'you need to, you have to., it's time to....'

Let them get on with it. Set a timer if you need to - 'you've got 3 minutes to.... I know you can do it - race them - I'm going to do x , see if you can beat me'

If you have to put the clothes in the car / by the front door - make it clear you are leaving at x time and then give a 5 minute, 2 minute and 1minute warning to go.

Bribery - 'you've finished your routine - brilliant' now you have time to do ...... (although this gives you another transition to manage so depends on the child)

I ended up using one word commands with SEN DS2. I'd just say 'Socks!' every few seconds until the socks went on. Then 'Shoes', 'Bag' etc. It stopped me shouting and it got the message across more easily.

Also can you be playful, use humour? When my DD is faffing on I do daft things like making getting ready a game, a race to see who gets dressed first, can she get dressed before a song we like finishes etc. I genuinely think a lot of the time we can get so much more out of children with playfulness and warmth and everyone feels better about it too.

I use i statements with a clear consequence at the end and if still not listen to i follow through. So eg, I feel frustrated when you don't listen because it is important you do x if you do not do x then you will lose screen time/other luxury for the day.
I rarely have to follow through as this normally gets their attention. I don't shout but I use a firm tone.
Its different in my home mind you because I can't expect dd8 to do chores and I have to supervise her getting dressed and take her by the hand to do tasks and my other dd is a toddler. However we still have times like you described above.

It's difficult to ban screens as I have a ds5 as well, so banning cartoons in the morning would impact on him too and he's generally pretty good at following instructions.

DD gets to play Roblox at the weekend so I could take that away. I think I need to work on my patience levels and just keep repeating without getting angry.

I would love to know, one of mine is so strong willed it's exhausting.

He misbehaves so after the warnings I leave the day out, party, whatever (complete pain in the arse). I always follow through on my threats/consequences. It doesn't stop it.

Also, if you threaten a consequence you have to follow through even when it's awful for both of you (no screens for a week for instance was penance for us all).

this has always worked for me except with one dc who doesn't actually care about the consequences. It's so frustrating

I get everything out ready in a pile and set an alarm on my phone at certain intervals like 7.15 alarm get dressed, 7.30 do teeth etc etc. And a lot of positive praise like, if I've sent her to brush her hair and she does it I will say 'gosh your hair looks lovely and shiny brushed' and clothes 'oh dd you look smart today'
It sounds a bit pollyanna but she responds really well to compliments etc. I think try to keep in mind that kids WANT to impress their parents and do well, and in turn will figure it being on time makes them feel good

You'd only have to drop her at school in pyjamas once for her to get dressed in time.

I'd go for natural consequences. Not dressed = going out in pj's.