If you don't shout at your children, what do you do when they don't listen?

[Ohmnomnom]

I feel like I'm destroying the relationship between me and Dd7 She's a well behaved, kind and sweet girl, but she does. Not. Listen. Every morning I'll ask her to go get dressed and this begins an endless stream of questions, faffing, distraction techniques, and doing just about everything except the thing I asked her to do. I'm also constantly repeating myself about putting rubbish in the bin, flushing the toilet, dirty clothes in the washing basket, etc.

Do I need to lower my expectations? I get so frustrated after asking the same thing over and over 20 times that I start to raise my voice. She's quite shy and sensitive and I feel like I'm crushing her spirit even more. Whenever I ask her why she doesn't do what I ask, she gets very upset and says 'I don't know'.

Today went much better! I put their clothes out on the bed and set a timer for 10 minutes. I sat in the room while they got dressed and they did it much quicker.

I used to put dd's clothes in her room, and ds's in my room to split them up as they would fight and bicker instead of getting dressed. I wasn't in the room though.

I need to be more present with them. I have no support whatsoever, run 2 businesses and work part time as a cleaner. I'm exhausted and finding it all a struggle tbh.

You might find it more relaxing not to have any screen time before school. Maybe experiment with this for a couple of weeks and see if it makes things better or worse.

@Ohmnomnom

A typical example is:

DD, please go and get dressed.

Did you know, an elemental dragon has 5 powers that....

Get dressed first then we'll talk

Are you getting dressed?

DD, get dressed please or we're going to be late!

My stomach/head/toes/hair hurts I need medicine

Ok, get dressed and I'll check you over

Did you know, Sharon from school likes dragons as well?

AAAAAAARGGHH!

This is so typical of my DC before school!

My older DS hated getting up for school and nagging him ruined our start to the day and often made us all late. Instead of shouting which achieved nothing I started to wake him up 15 minutes earlier and said I would continue to wake him an extra 15 minutes earlier each day until he could be ready to leave on time. He very quickly decided he'd get ready quickly rather than get up earlier

I just wouldn’t be bothered with this timewasting.

If she’s downstairs and you need her dressed, go up and get her clothes and dress her downstairs yourself, like a baby. It takes 2-3 mins max and the problem disappears. Before people tell me the child will have no independence - my now 16yo would take ages when little so I did this. Who thinks I’m dressing my 16yo in the kitchen like a baby now? Well obviously not.

@jytdtysrht I took this approach with ds as his fine motor skills are not great so he struggles with zips, fastenings and getting socks on the right way. It worked great in our house, but once he started reception the teachers were encouraging him to do it himself and it led to meltdowns. Ex DP also told him to do it himself and he would get very upset. He's still not great at dressing himself, but he can just about manage now. I regret doing it for him for so long as it became a bit of a battle.

I used to think I had amazing parenting skills until I had my fourth child. I find I have to turn things into a game like can you get dressed by the time I count to 50 etc. Shouting does nothing , I have to get down to his level and explain why he can't do certain things. I'm finding he's getting easier as he's getting older though

@Ohmnomnom

Today went much better! I put their clothes out on the bed and set a timer for 10 minutes. I sat in the room while they got dressed and they did it much quicker.

I used to put dd's clothes in her room, and ds's in my room to split them up as they would fight and bicker instead of getting dressed. I wasn't in the room though.

I need to be more present with them. I have no support whatsoever, run 2 businesses and work part time as a cleaner. I'm exhausted and finding it all a struggle tbh.

This is very encouraging! Yes being present is very helpful. You wast eless time if youa re there with them as they will probablyargue just to get your attention anyway!

Any praise you can give, specifically, fr getting ready sensibly is helpful for setting the tone for tomorrow.

You have an awful lot going on, it is no wonder you are stressed. But hopefully a less shouty home will be positive for you not just them.

I’m glad it went much better today! Try not to beat yourself up if you can. It’s not easy doing everything with someone else never mind by yourself. Hope you’re also finding time for you when you can.

Lower the cognitive demands on her thinking, on DS who is autistic I took this to a whole other level and almost used commands like the military do. So attract attention, use single word demands, hold focus by putting on really limited demands other than what you want done. So getting dressed is separate from brushing teeth or getting coat, then getting shoes. Now he can put them together but young kids struggle a lot with demand overload. Also as you can hear from her, her little mind is incredibly busy all the time.