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Original poster

Not invited to the wedding

75 replies

Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 15:46

This might bring mixed comments but it’s hurt me a bit that my best friend of 30 years has told me her upcoming wedding plans and that she isn’t inviting friends.
She’s explained about costs and wanting it private and intimate which I fully respect.
We always spoke about being each other’s maid of honour and our children being bridesmaids for each other. So I’m upset I won’t get to experience it.
I suggested having friends for the evening do but she isn’t having one and the meal is for immediate family. She won’t even let me organise a hen night and said she will want an early night.
Maybe I’m unreasonable to think it wouldn’t hurt to add your oldest friend even if she excluded my partner and dc. So it feels like she is deliberately leaving me out.
I did send her an angry message saying ‘thanks for the invite I can’t wait to see photos’ but I did apologise as I knew it sounded passive aggressive and I don’t want us to fall out. She has left me on read since.
It feels personal against me to exclude me and I worry there will be friends attending but secretly so I don’t know.

OP posts:
jampim · 11/04/2022 15:48

YABU.

They want it small and family only. Presumably both she and her Dp have other close friends, so if they invited you they might feel obligated to invite 5 others.

She's likely to distance herself from you after that snotty message.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 11/04/2022 15:48

My best friend of 25 years did this for her first marriage. I got a last minute invite. L She had another friend as a bridesmaid, they fell out on the day and she asked me to help her redo her hair.

I remember thinking, ask your bridesmaid, isn’t she here for those kind of jobs?

MarilynValentine · 11/04/2022 15:48

Why do you think she’ll secretly invite other friends? Does she have any form for excluding you?

On the face of it YABU I’m afraid.

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2022 15:48

You know you’re being unreasonable. It’s understandable you’re disappointed but you’re at risk of losing a friendship over this if you don’t get yourself together and accept your friend’s decision. This isn’t a a personal slight against you. Stop taking it as one.

thisplaceisweird · 11/04/2022 15:49

Your text wasn't ideal but you have to respect her decision, and give her the benefit of the doubt that she hasn't chosen just to exclude you.

viques · 11/04/2022 15:50

Her choice. I think you have effectively crossed your own name off the reserves list with that snippy remark . Not to mention the other things you have tried to push for when she made her position very clear.

The best you can hope for is that at some point in the future she will come round for tea and show you some pictures.

emmathedilemma · 11/04/2022 15:50

YABVU if you're such good friends you'd appreciate her wishes for a small family only wedding.

EatsQuorn · 11/04/2022 15:51

Yes you are rightly upset to hear about her upcoming wedding when you have both spent many years playing out wedding days and how it would look.
However , her wishes for the day have changed and it is her and stbdh ( soon to be dear husband's ) day so you should be happy that she is about to be married and having the day she now wants .
Plant a big smile on your face and ask if she needs any help in the run up and tell her you can't wait to see the photos.

ElenaSt · 11/04/2022 15:52

I expect she’ll now be putting some distance between you and after your rude text, even though you apologised, who can blame her?

Chloemol · 11/04/2022 15:53

YABU. She has explained, she has said it’s immediate family only, you have no reason to disbelieve her and that she has invited her other friends

You either accept and move on, or remain bitter

Up to you

Original poster
Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 15:53

No she hasn’t excluded me before but she’s changed since she met her fiancé so I worry he has told her she can’t invite me.
She doesn’t have many friends as she has social anxiety and doesn’t go out much but I know she is close to people from work and might want them there for support.
I did offer to cover costs for me to attend and she still said no. I know I sound like a brat but I worry for her quite a lot and if she’s feeling alone as she doesn’t have family so her seating side will be empty where her fiancé’s will be full.

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 11/04/2022 15:53

You're angry your friend of 30 years has told you she is having a very small wedding just for family, but believe this is a lie and other friends will be secretly invited...

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 15:54

Are you serious?

I wouldn't invite you either, boy you are hard work.

And what a textbook example you have provided of "making it all about you".

Quitelikeit · 11/04/2022 15:55

So are you saying he is getting to invite his friends and family amd she is getting to invite no one?

gogohm · 11/04/2022 15:57

I honestly think people don't think, excluding a friend of so many years is ridiculous behaviour, just have a cheaper meal - room above a pub with a buffet perhaps and invite your friends, not the cousin you last saw at a funeral 5 years ago

ElenaSt · 11/04/2022 15:57

I can’t get my head around that you want to force yourself upon her and her immediate family to be a guest at her private arrangements for her wedding!

jampim · 11/04/2022 15:57

You really sound like hard work.

JorisBonson · 11/04/2022 15:57

Jesus, leave her alone!

PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2022 15:57

@Quitelikeit

So are you saying he is getting to invite his friends and family amd she is getting to invite no one?
It doesn’t say that. He’s only having his family.
DisforDarkChocolate · 11/04/2022 15:58

WTF!!

Take a big step back and leave her alone. Wedding fantasies are ridiculous for grown women.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 16:00

You understand, don't you, that this is her and her fiance's weddng? That the childhood plans you made count for nothing?

I understand you're disappointed but can't believe you've been so rude and pushy tbh.

Original poster
Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 16:02

No he comes from a big family so they will all attend but she is an only child and lost her parents so there will be no one attending for her personally. So I worry about how she will get the support I know she’ll need as the social anxiety is quite bad and having all eyes on her walking down the aisle alone will be stressful for her.
I respect everyone’s points and I know I’m being childish but I also can’t get my head around excluding one person even if I didn’t eat a thing and sat on the sidelines. Perhaps I’m just one of those people who wouldn’t like to exclude anyone as I know many people won’t invite partners or children etc, it’s a special day and should feel as such. It’s something we both felt strongly about and now suddenly she’s happy to get married without anyone being there for her.
Do I still get them a gift? I don’t know what is expected of me now I’ve made it awkward.

OP posts:
NotVeryOuting · 11/04/2022 16:03

@Daisyshapedbuttons

No she hasn’t excluded me before but she’s changed since she met her fiancé so I worry he has told her she can’t invite me. She doesn’t have many friends as she has social anxiety and doesn’t go out much but I know she is close to people from work and might want them there for support. I did offer to cover costs for me to attend and she still said no. I know I sound like a brat but I worry for her quite a lot and if she’s feeling alone as she doesn’t have family so her seating side will be empty where her fiancé’s will be full.
Your original post wasn't from a place on concern about her well-being but if that's what you're concerned about and that he's isolating her from her friends or something, sending a message like you chose to will only isolate her further now and if her fiancé is an arsehole trying to make her ditch her mates then you've given her a reasonable reason to agree with him.

What a horrible message. Maybe she will get in touch when she calms down but I think you should apologise and tell her you wish her well and you're sorry for being a bit of a dick with that message.

PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2022 16:04

You’re asking if you should still get your best friend of thirty years a gift on the occasion of her marriage? Is the answer not obvious?

Cocodreams · 11/04/2022 16:05

YABU and very odd to keep pushing your ideas for what her wedding should look like.

The childhood dreams for being each other bridesmaids etc is just that - childhood dreams which are likely to have no basis in adult reality.

You owe her a sincere apology, perhaps send a care rather than another text, and then back away and leave her to contact you, if indeed she wishes to after your behaviour.

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