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Original poster

Not invited to the wedding

75 replies

Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 15:46

This might bring mixed comments but it’s hurt me a bit that my best friend of 30 years has told me her upcoming wedding plans and that she isn’t inviting friends.
She’s explained about costs and wanting it private and intimate which I fully respect.
We always spoke about being each other’s maid of honour and our children being bridesmaids for each other. So I’m upset I won’t get to experience it.
I suggested having friends for the evening do but she isn’t having one and the meal is for immediate family. She won’t even let me organise a hen night and said she will want an early night.
Maybe I’m unreasonable to think it wouldn’t hurt to add your oldest friend even if she excluded my partner and dc. So it feels like she is deliberately leaving me out.
I did send her an angry message saying ‘thanks for the invite I can’t wait to see photos’ but I did apologise as I knew it sounded passive aggressive and I don’t want us to fall out. She has left me on read since.
It feels personal against me to exclude me and I worry there will be friends attending but secretly so I don’t know.

OP posts:
freedomhereicome · 11/04/2022 16:05

Wow. Just wow

You're so concerned about her anxiety you sent her a stroppy pissy text all about you. Right.

I think she's way better off without you at her wedding.

ohCARP · 11/04/2022 16:07

You can't hold her to a promise she made when she wasn't engaged and it was all hypothetical. She doesn't want a big wedding and she doesn't owe you one. You're coming across as really selfish and your text has probably done serious damage to your friendship.

PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2022 16:07

I respect everyone’s points and I know I’m being childish but I also can’t get my head around excluding one person even if I didn’t eat a thing and sat on the sidelines.

Once you start inviting just one extra person, suddenly the guest list spirals.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
ElenaSt · 11/04/2022 16:08

‘ So I worry about how she will get the support I know she’ll need as the social anxiety is quite bad and having all eyes on her walking down the aisle alone will be stressful for her.’

If she was that nervous she would have asked for support and your being there.

You sound like one of those controlling people who say things like -

You won’t be able to manage, I’ll do it.

You know you won’t cope so I’ll sort it.

Give that to me, it will be easier if I do it.

You might think you are well meaning but it puts sensitive people on edge and makes them less able to stand on their own two feet.

NotVeryOuting · 11/04/2022 16:10

If her social anxiety is so bad that could be why she doesn't want a hen night either.

Maybe she feels her husband is enough support for her on the day, maybe he's worried you will make the day all about how you think she should feel rather than how she actually does feel.

It's sounds like you are not respecting her boundaries around her wedding plans and keep pushing for her to do something they've agreed not to. It's very hard to tell if you are jealous that she needs you less and her life has another source of support in, or if you're worried that he's controlling her somehow but either way, sending nasty messages like that will just make her want you around less.

Original poster
Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 16:11

Just to add these weren’t childhood plans they were recent when we knew our partners were ‘the one’ and we were set on being each other’s maid of honour as I wouldn’t want anyone else and she wanted that moral and physical support. I don’t think he is controlling per se I’m aware it’s her decision and her wedding I’m not trying to take over and I fully accept I’m not welcome I just feel hurt and as I said concerned.
I don’t know anything about the gifting etiquette of marriages as I’m a complete novice and presumed they are for people attending to thank them for the invite.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2022 16:14

She’s changed her mind. People are allowed to do that. Covid has made a lot of people reevaluate what they want from a wedding.

I fully accept I’m not welcome
It’s so obvious that that’s not the case.

namechange30455 · 11/04/2022 16:14

Grow the fuck up. It is the opposite of personal against you. They're just inviting family. She isn't "excluding you". She's not inviting any friends!

She is literally having a small wedding BECAUSE she doesn't want "all eyes on her walking down the aisle".

You think her fiancé might be controlling and yet YOU'RE the one telling her what to do at their own wedding! Hmm

I have social anxiety and I've cut out idiots like you who think they know me better than myself.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 11/04/2022 16:15

I think you need to to leave her alone, you're being really pushy.

sillysmiles · 11/04/2022 16:17

Maybe this is all about you or maybe you are concerned that he is isolating her from friends - either way this is not the way to go about it.

Go apologies, properly, in person. Don't make the apology about you and don't mention anything about you thinking she can't cope with her social anxiety.

If this is just because they want a small wedding -then you'll still be friends after the wedding.
If he is trying to isolate her, she'll know you are still her friend and can come to you if she needs to.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 11/04/2022 16:19

YABVU. So much.

sillysmiles · 11/04/2022 16:20

No he comes from a big family so they will all attend but she is an only child and lost her parents so there will be no one attending for her personally

Maybe not all of his family are attending. Maybe it is just his parents. Or maybe he has 100 "close" family and she's on her own - either way she has told you what she wants, now leave it up to her.

katicomps · 11/04/2022 16:20

She’s explained about costs and wanting it private and intimate which I fully respect.

… except you clearly don't!

Threetulips · 11/04/2022 16:24

This is odd. No family and no friends in her side? That’s really an issue.

That said if it’s a church anyone can go to any wedding, no invitation necessary.

I’d go and sit in the church.

PurpleDaisies · 11/04/2022 16:24

I’d go and sit in the church.
Even though the friend has been really clear that the op isn’t invited? That’s a way to kill the friendship.

DameMargaretofChalfont · 11/04/2022 16:25

I did send her an angry message saying ‘thanks for the invite I can’t wait to see photos’ but I did apologise as I knew it sounded passive aggressive and I don’t want us to fall out.

Gosh!! How to end a friendship in 10 words!!!!
If I were your friend I'd be putting a lot of distance between us.

She explained to you what her wishes were and you've reacted like a spoilt child. Sadly you can't take back what you've said - you can only hope your friend has time to recover from such a nasty message.

StrawberryPot · 11/04/2022 16:27

YABVVVU

It's easy to fantasise about what your wedding might be like but when it actually comes to it, people ARE allowed to change their minds.

Stop trying to impose YOUR ideas on her. It's her day and she's entitled to have the arrangements that suit her and her partner.

Fwiw - we didn't have^^ even have any relatives at our wedding, never mind friends. We just sloped off and got married with just a couple of witnesses. I didn't want the stress and anxiety of a big do, all eyes on me, not to mention the expense. And the idea of a hen do absolutely filled me with horror.

Tasteslikeregret · 11/04/2022 16:28

I don’t know anything about the gifting etiquette of marriages as I’m a complete novice and presumed they are for people attending to thank them for the invite.

Oh give over.
I sent a gift to the friend of a daughter for their wedding. I’ve never even met the couple but I wanted to buy them a gift, so I did.
You can’t only buy the couple a gift if you get an invite.Hmm

Hutchy16 · 11/04/2022 16:34

Actually, on the face of it I thought you were being unreasonable (and the text you sent is 💯 unreasonable) but some of your subsequent messages raise red flags about the hubby to be.

It sounds a lot like the beginning of isolating someone from their friends, and with no family, who will your friend have left. BUT!!! That could be just reading too much into it, but the idea of not having a hen party is weird.

Tell her you love her, and are sad that you won’t be part of the wedding, but that you absolutely understand that she is juggling numbers/expense. Wish her well and tell her you are always there for her, whatever she needs and whenever she needs. Hopefully she will remember that if it is an emotional abuse situation.

Please though, just in case, don’t be mean to her, if anything be extra supportive so that she doesn’t feel like she has no one to turn to further down the line.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/04/2022 16:36

Despite your apology, the message you sent was bang out of order.

Beckyboo123 · 11/04/2022 16:42

Definitely what Hutchy16 said. I actually don’t think your unreasonable to feel hurt but the message you sent wasn’t great and I guess it was in the heat of the moment, you need to try and support her. I think it’s very odd that she always wanted you involved and now suddenly doesn’t. Lots of red flags but please just try and be there for her as it does sound worrying to me.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 11/04/2022 16:45

You sent your friend an absolutely horrible message.
You need to stop being surprised that she hasn’t responded and work out how to apologise to her in terms that make it clear that you understand completely that this is not about you!
I’m not convinced that you do understand that this is not about you though.

TenoringBehind · 11/04/2022 16:47

If you wish to maintain this friendship you need to do a damage limitation exercise now. Perhaps a large bunch of flowers and a card apologising for your outburst. And surely you’d want to send a good friend a lovely present on the occasion of their marriage, whether or not you’re invited?

Original poster
Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 16:49

Thank you hutchy16 you put it clearly into perspective with advice instead of pure hate towards me.
I’ve already been clear I know I’m being childish so there’s no need for comments to inform me so.
I have apologised to her and I will not bring up the subject to her again. I will wish her well on the morning of the wedding and leave it as that in terms of the wedding subject.
My intention is not to change her mind or make her feel bad, a few hours ago I was told I’m not coming to a wedding I’d helped plan and make arrangements for, which were her wishes and nothing has been about me because when it’s my wedding that’s when I get to make those choices. I’m hurt and surprised that’s all, but I will not be spoiling her day or turning up to the church.
I don’t think she is being controlled or isolated I get on great with her fiancé and he’s a lovely man, I’m just finding it hard to understand wanting to get married without your friends when you have no family and can’t leave the house without someone.
She told me several weeks ago if she’s having a bad anxiety day on the morning of the wedding she might bottle it and cancel. I told her I won’t let that happen and I’ll hold her hand the whole way. She said thank you. She had a chance then to tell me but strung it out until nearer the date.
I appreciate all replies and I will leave the thread now as there isn’t much anyone can do or say to make it better, but I do respect women can do as they chose and I will take on board the advice given and focus on my own big day.

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 16:51

At this point my burning question is how anyone can be "a complete novice" at wedding gift etiquette at age 45+?

I mean, that's how old you are right? Given that you have been friends for 30 yrs and that friendship does not sue back to childhood.

Is this really the first time that someone in your life is getting married?