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Original poster

Not invited to the wedding

75 replies

Daisyshapedbuttons · 11/04/2022 15:46

This might bring mixed comments but it’s hurt me a bit that my best friend of 30 years has told me her upcoming wedding plans and that she isn’t inviting friends.
She’s explained about costs and wanting it private and intimate which I fully respect.
We always spoke about being each other’s maid of honour and our children being bridesmaids for each other. So I’m upset I won’t get to experience it.
I suggested having friends for the evening do but she isn’t having one and the meal is for immediate family. She won’t even let me organise a hen night and said she will want an early night.
Maybe I’m unreasonable to think it wouldn’t hurt to add your oldest friend even if she excluded my partner and dc. So it feels like she is deliberately leaving me out.
I did send her an angry message saying ‘thanks for the invite I can’t wait to see photos’ but I did apologise as I knew it sounded passive aggressive and I don’t want us to fall out. She has left me on read since.
It feels personal against me to exclude me and I worry there will be friends attending but secretly so I don’t know.

OP posts:

springtimeishereagain · 11/04/2022 17:02

I don’t think she is being controlled or isolated I get on great with her fiancé and he’s a lovely man

Then why did you think he might have said you can't come to the wedding?

...when you have no family and can’t leave the house without someone

Your friend's social anxiety is that bad?! It might have been better to mention this rather important fact in your op...

All you can do is apologise, sincerely, wish her all the best, and be there for her.

And yes, get your friend a gift!

BadNomad · 11/04/2022 17:19

@sweetbellyhigh

At this point my burning question is how anyone can be "a complete novice" at wedding gift etiquette at age 45+?

I mean, that's how old you are right? Given that you have been friends for 30 yrs and that friendship does not sue back to childhood.

Is this really the first time that someone in your life is getting married?

I wouldn't have a clue either. Never been to a wedding and all the married people I know were married before I met them. I don't know why it's so surprising to you.

NotVeryOuting · 11/04/2022 17:23

You're Op scenario sounds very different to what you're saying now, this in your opening post made it sound like it's been a shock to learn you aren't maid of honour or that your children wound be her bridesmaids and that you feel she is deliberately leaving you out if the wedding while sneakily inviting other friends.

She’s explained about costs and wanting it private and intimate which I fully respect.

We always spoke about being each other’s maid of honour and our children being bridesmaids for each other. So I’m upset I won’t get to experience it.

But now you seem to be saying to be been part of the planning and organising of the wedding from the start at her request? You say nothing has been about you but your opening post was all about how you feel at not being maid of honour and your kids bridesmaids and how she should let you stand in the sidelines not eating anything. If you were planning and organising her wedding from the start she wouldn't have needed to tell you today she's trying to keep costs low? You'd have known that from the planning and organising the venue. You'd have known before today you aren't maid of honour or your kids bridesmaids when she was looking at dresses. You'd know there's no work colleagues there as part of the working out numbers surely? Your thread sounded like you've found out today she's planning a wedding that won't include you being maid of honour or on the guest lists and you've got mean with her but now you're saying you've been organising and part of the planning, I can't tell if it's a big drip feed or backpedaling now.

My intention is not to change her mind or make her feel bad, a few hours ago I was told I’m not coming to a wedding I’d helped plan and make arrangements for, which were her wishes and nothing has been about me because when it’s my wedding that’s when I get to make those choices.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

ElenaSt · 11/04/2022 17:27

If you’d helped her plan and make arrangements wouldn’t you have discussed numbers of guests?

cowskeepingmeupatnight · 11/04/2022 17:30

You are putting your needs ahead of your friends’ needs here. If she has social anxiety I can see why she would want to keep the wedding as small as possible. Please understand that by challenging her on this, and pressuring her to attend, you are adding to her anxiety and not alleviating it. Perhaps seeing it from that perspective will help you come to terms with what I understand is disappointing news for you.

lemongreentea · 11/04/2022 17:31

People are allowed to change OP. Shes changed according to you because she puts her partner first. Over you and rightly so.

Do you have low self esteem or a history of being paranoid?

She can have the wedding she wants without you making it about all you. You are probably stressing her so much when its a time for her to be happy and light.

UNLESS... there is a massive backstory of her excluding you on purpose and treating you badly. In which case drop her.

ElenaSt · 11/04/2022 17:34

I hope I’m reading between the lines but I wonder if you were going to be invited but you took over the planning and arrangements and she then decided she didn’t want you there on the day, running the show.

You do come across as wanting to take over and are pushy about your presumption in knowing what other people need.

Ahbisto · 11/04/2022 17:35

She’s explained about costs and wanting it private and intimate which I fully respect.

I think it’s clear you don’t remotely respect it. She’s made her wishes clear, you don’t get to demand she does it different for you. For her own reasons she wants a small intimate wedding with close family only. That’s her decision and for her is the right one, it really isn’t about you and your needs, I’m sorry.

Anomananom · 11/04/2022 17:41

I get feeling disappointed but remember there marriage is not about you it’s about her and her partner. Don’t put distance between you both because you’ve got the hump because she didn’t invite you. If she’s got social anxiety the last thing she’ll need is you making a fuss about something she clearly wants to be a small deal.

Lots of people get married without friends and family because they just want the marriage and not the party and that’s fine. She probably feels like she has to invite family. Don’t worry about it and just support her.

Maybe arrange to go out for dinner after the wedding or before so you can spend some time together.

StrawberryPot · 11/04/2022 18:35

Given your comment above, I think ElenaSt may be onto something. Maybe she finds you a bit controlling and overbearing? It's quite a statement to say you can manage her anxiety. She may be appalled at the thought of you holding her hand the whole way.

NannieEmLou · 11/04/2022 19:12

I didn’t invite any of my friends to my wedding. It was a very quiet affair, with little meal after. It was literally immediate family ( no uncles, cousins etc ).
It’s her choice. Why don’t you suggest a meal in a few weeks after, just you and her.
She may simply just not want the fuss / can’t afford more guests.

TellMeItIsntTrue · 11/04/2022 19:17

Can’t think why she wouldn’t want you there

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 21:25

@BadNomad

Wow, you must be very unpopular!

sweetbellyhigh · 11/04/2022 21:28

She told me several weeks ago if she’s having a bad anxiety day on the morning of the wedding she might bottle it and cancel. I told her I won’t let that happen and I’ll hold her hand the whole way. She said thank you. She had a chance then to tell me but strung it out until nearer the date.

That's crazy. If someone has an anxiety attack and doesn't want to go through with a wedding, the supportive thing to do is to call off the wedding not force them to go ahead.
No one should be getting married if they are at all uncertain.

Bellyups · 11/04/2022 21:28

Get over yourself. This isn’t about you

Hopefullyoneday12 · 11/04/2022 21:39

Well yeah I think it's quite strange not to invite a very close friend of a very long time to your wedding.
I can't think of a situation where I wouldn't be offended by it, as the best friend. I'd feel hurt, not valued and disappointed.

So they might not technically be U. But it's not exactly nice.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 11/04/2022 21:54

You need to apologise for her behaviour and respect her wishes!

Bananarama21 · 11/04/2022 22:01

Is this friend name with the letter A? If its the same person she's very much entitled to her day and I wouldn't begrudge her that.

NeverChange · 11/04/2022 22:05

I find your story hard to believe.

You are pissed off for yourself in your first post but concerned for her in your second one.

If this was genuinely about concern for her, then why didn't you express your concern rather than your anger.

I'm sorry but I'm not buying it.

CrowAndArrow · 11/04/2022 22:27

My own DC did this (we are close - no back story) but it's what they wanted. Yes I was disappointed but it was their wedding and can do what they like.

WimpyKidYouNot · 11/04/2022 22:31

Reading this is giving me anxiety. Every post is “I don’t understand”, “I feel”, “I know… BUT”, paranoia you were “excluded”, accusations towards the fiancée that’s then withdrawn. Exhausting.

It’s all about you and whilst I think you genuinely want to help your friend with anxiety you need to really understand your motivations. Sounds like you want to be the enabler, saviour, crutch as it makes you feel important. You need to reflect how your behaviour is impacting her.

I hope your friend has a great day regardless how and you can move beyond this whatever happens.

MrsDThomas · 12/04/2022 09:11

You say you respect her reasons of costs etc.

Which us obvious you don’t as you’re pissed off with her.

Buy her a gift, wish her well and just respect her decision

Lastqueenofscotland · 12/04/2022 09:19

YABU.
I’ve a very good friend who is having a family only wedding as she can’t be arsed with the drama of inviting friends and having people kick off about plus ones/kids/why Jane was invited to the whole day but Sarah only in the evening!
More power to her I say!

AnneButNotHathaway · 12/04/2022 10:55

Frankly, Daisy, I kinda see where you were coming from and it's not strange to be upset about your friend not inviting you to their wedding. Could you have handled it better? Well, yes. Was is an unreasonable feeling? Absolutely no. I support previous posters on recommnding you to send your friend a gift and maybe a smartshow 3d video card congratulating her on her big day and then it would be up to her how she wants to interact with you further.

Lamujere · 12/04/2022 14:49

This story doesn't add up. At all.

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