I used the expression Under Siege and new neighbour is horrified

[UndersiegeNDN]

I've been here about 17 years on and off, but NC for this.

New neighbours arrived 6 months ago.

I texted ndn today saying " can you give me some idea of how long you'll have the jcb digger in the garden, I've just come out of hospital and will be in my room for a few days... just so I can get organised if I should move".

She replied that they would probably be 3 or 4 days, sorry, and yes probably a good idea if I set up somewhere else if possible.

Tedious, but at least I know. I couldn't move today, so just tried to get some sleep, only a few hours to get through. Except that it was past 6pm, and they were still outside shouting and laughing, almost literally sitting around watching concrete dry?!

Little did I know, my 16 yr old popped round to see if they could turn it down because I was feeling rough. He had never done anything like that before, and I wasn't sure whether to brain him or hug him. Very random act.

He came back really shaken. The woman had immediately ramped up "they're not my workers, talk to their boss" went on and on at him. The boss, and her husband, both really nice and said they'd just finished anyway. So son came back feeling foolish and a bit wobbly having tried something new.

I wrote to her saying I had no idea he was going over, and that it was probably for me, as I was feeling a bit under seige.

This is the weird bit. She completely lied about some pointless things (eg said she didn't know I was unwell, to my son), and said it was awful for me to treat new neighbours like this, and saying "under siege" made it clear I was discriminating about them because if their background?!

I'm not going to pretend I don't know they're Iranian, but I'm not sure what she was saying?!

I explained that I thought I could manage a few hours but that in the end I felt ill and stuck.

In afraid my initial reaction is to feel very pissed off. The work they're doing is right on the fence, involves a huge bit of poured concrete, and the timing is crap. But at no point, and in no way, did I think this was a cultural issue.

I just don't know what to do next. She has been a bit weird in the past, upset me with some comments about my other ND son, but I've no idea whether I'm being defensive, or what. Btw, she didn't know she was being crap about son last time, just thoughtless/ not knowing really.

I feel as if I've given a ton of detail but none of its useful.

Maybe I'll feel better when I can eat, drink, move, and start to heal?!

I'm pissed off that she had a go at my son. I'm pissed off that my son went over there (but happy he was trying to help?!), and I'm pissed off at being labelled (racist? ) when I was just using an analogy.

Is it me?

Why assume the OP has been over the top and that that’s why her son is being protective? The OP could be doing her best to appear strong and calm but if she’s just had surgery for tumours isn’t that enough for her 16 year old to be concerned?

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

I find it really odd that in the Chat section there's a gang of women piling onto a woman who has just had surgery to have tumours removed and is obviously ill and tired and DIDNT POST IN AIBU.

OP your DS sounds very caring but to echo a PP if this is out of character he could be particularly worried about you so would warrant a chat with him.

Put NDN out of your mind for now and concentrate of getting better. Mulling all this over will do you no good at all.

Exactly what I was thinking.

I do hope you heal and feel better very soon.

@chaosrabbitland

she just sounds like an aggressive waste of space that probably makes out everybody and his brother is being rascist towards her if shes challenged

What?!

You may not have consciously associated the expression "under siege" with their ethnicity, but the subconscious connection was there in order for it to come out - this is not really the expression most people would use in these circumstances. Words express thoughts. Maybe you need to clear up any ill-feeling and blame the fact that you were ill on your thoughtless words.

Your NDN sounds deranged - I expect the nonsense she came out with was because she felt guilty at your son politely asking to keep the noise down as you were ill. She knows full well the neighbourly thing to do is speak in advance of disruption and not just hope to get away with it. Instead she was horrible to a young man who was just trying to look after his mum

I hope your DH tells them as much too.

You and your DS have done nothing wrong. Not sure why you are being piled on. I hope you have a quick recovery. 🌺

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

I find it really odd that in the Chat section there's a gang of women piling onto a woman who has just had surgery to have tumours removed and is obviously ill and tired and DIDNT POST IN AIBU.

OP your DS sounds very caring but to echo a PP if this is out of character he could be particularly worried about you so would warrant a chat with him.

Put NDN out of your mind for now and concentrate of getting better. Mulling all this over will do you no good at all.

Totally agree.

And I’d hazard a guess that a lot of people would be pissed off with works continuing into the evening after starting unexpectedly at 7am - even without the surgery or rudeness in the mix!

Not sure why people think it’s weird for a 16 year old to be worried about his mother having surgery either. While he made a mistake trying to handle that type of adult discussion, he can do it out of concern for his mum without it being a reflection of something negative in her personality or parenting.

Get well soon, OP.

@TurningUpMyStereotype

Your son was wrong for going to see the neighbours. That’s what kicked it all off. Wtf was he doing? I’m finding it difficult to believe that a 16 year old decided to do this.

Don't be daft!

A 16 yo whose mum has just had Timor's removed, going next door to ASK if they could possibly keep the mouse down under her bedroom window, is sweet, kind & considerate.

The woman was highly unreasonable & plain fucking nuts!!

@UndersiegeNDN I hope your head is feeling better! Noise is the last thing you need coming home after that 💐 what terrible timing. If it's all on again tomorrow, try getting DH to go around & ask them to keep the human noise to a minimum at the very least. They can't not do the work, but they can severely limit the shouting!

Your DS was lovely! The woman is barking!!

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo

I find it really odd that in the Chat section there's a gang of women piling onto a woman who has just had surgery to have tumours removed and is obviously ill and tired and DIDNT POST IN AIBU.

OP your DS sounds very caring but to echo a PP if this is out of character he could be particularly worried about you so would warrant a chat with him.

Put NDN out of your mind for now and concentrate of getting better. Mulling all this over will do you no good at all.

Lovely post and I totally agree. Get well soon OP X

Under siege has no racial connertation so she is just trying to inflame situation due to her background.
Well done to your son for trying trying to help you and reasonably request they behave as considerate neighbours, I hope he is not put off by the hostile response to be assertive and confident again.
I'd leave things to cool down a bit and approach the neighbour again and discuss the situation when things can be more rational.

Your son sounds lovely, OP. 💕💕

You could say to her that you thought you saw Stephen Seagal in her garden 🤩

Obviously you weren’t targeting their race but if they’ve faced discrimination before we can’t blame them for developing defensiveness and immediately jumping to that conclusion.

As a mixed race woman it took me a long time to get past my wariness of people potentially assuming prejudice when I first met them. That’s no one’s fault but the people who have been racist to me in the past (ie not your fault). But I think it is something to consider and does remove fault from her (over) reaction.

I've just come back(after a huge sleep) and am a bit choked up by the kind remarks, so thank you.

I had not said anything at all to my son about the noise, truly. In hindsight I realise he is fussing about me, because he's been coming in every hour or so to see if I need anything. Not that it's a bad thing, but he's obviously trying to be helpful.

Something my dh said has given me a completely different perspective. He's extremely mild mannered, and said "of course, she's probably worried we're going to report their building work".

Where we live, you can only have a certain % of your land built on. Whether an actual building, or deck, or plain concrete slab. It's the equivalent of a conservation area.

It's only in the light of day that we've seen its enormous and there's no way they've got permission for that.

So, I think he's probably right.

My plan is just to put up some trellis, and ignore it.

Thanks again, especially to the pp who was worried I was damaging my son's mental health. It's more likely to be having a sick mum, but I will make sure to keep my cool calm facade, and reassure him that everything is going to be ok. He did apologise to me, and I said maybe stick to making tea

to you OP.

Hope you manage to get some rest today and the noise is not terrible.

I don’t think anything you said could be construed as racist. Her defensiveness makes more sense if they are worried about you reporting their building work though. So often when there is a big overreaction there is something going on in the shadows.

Your son sounds gorgeous. I love that he used his initiative and tried to stick up for you.

@Gunpowder - thank you for this, it's been a bit of a roller-coaster.

DH has just gone over, invited to coffee, and has been very busy looking up the local legislation. I'm intrigued by how outraged he is actually, although you'd never know it, he's the most mild mannered person, and always seems like that whatever is going on underneath!

I've had a brief look and they've ignored so much legislation, either they're going to have to just dig it all up again or they'll get a massive fine, and then have to dig it up. I can't see DH letting this go. We're on the edge of a "biodiverse" national park, and our gardens are listed as biodiverse. I honestly don't think they realised when they moved here, although they loved all our gardens/ the forest they obviously thought it just ended up like that?!

Anyway, it's really good that someone else has taken it on so I can concentrate on sleeping

In the end I'm just very sad, we've always got on well with all our neighbours (who have been Chinese, Jamaican, Sri Lankan, white Australian, white English, think that's it), and still friends/ in touch with all of them. I really hope we can get round this, I've seen awful neighbour stories on here and it ends up really making people miserable.

It is not you, OP. I am glad you have a kind and sensitive son and a husband who is calmly angry over this issue. There is nothing wrong with asking for a bit of consideration re noise - and the response you received was very informative about the sort of person you are unfortunately dealing with as next-door neighbours. And there was nothing offensive about your turn of phrase. The do sound awful, aggressively defensive woman (gosh, I wonder why!) and smoothing over husband; they must know they are in the wrong regulations-wise.

@UndersiegeNDN

How are things now?

I would be giving that weirdo a very, very wide berth.

I think your 16 year old is to be commended for trying to help his mum. Sounds like you’ve had some pretty major surgery and I expect he’s been worried about you.
I’m very noise sensitive and a digger going all day until 7pm would drive me nuts even without feeling ill.
The only positive I can offer is it will come to an end. Ignore the inconsiderate neighbour and concentrate on looking after yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks @Glitterbiscuits , @Aquamarine1029 , and @Xpologog .

It really has turned out to be fairly awful. They've concreted over half their front garden, and there's still the huge screed of plain concrete at the back.

Our gardens are covered by a special legislation, because of their biodiversity, you're not allowed to remove ground cover, or create built space where previously it was "green". There are about 10 other reasons for this, but a huge one is run off, so now water will flood and flow rather than soak into the ground, we've had such awful loss of towns and lives in the last few months, it's very bad timing.

Unfortunately, my surgery, which was major but supposed to be a one off, had uncovered some issues, which mean I have a long road ahead, and my kids have to be tested in case they're going to get the same problem.

So, as you can imagine, the ndn land has taken a back seat! I'm glad I sent info to council when I did, as I no longer have capacity, alright I see it everyday.

Thanks again, your support makes a huge difference ❤

Itsba figure of speech used all the time by many people. If she's offended it's her problem not yours

Sorry to hear your difficult health news OP. I just read this thread for the first time and wanted to say that I don't think your DS did anything wrong at all. I would be proud of him if I were you. Sounds like you have a lovely family around you. Hope that you are healing well and that your health issues going forwards turn out really positively.

All the best with your health, OP. And your son sounds lovely.

Under siege was if course a perfectly normal phrase to use. Many of our metaphors can be taken back to a point where they could be seen as a bit odd to those not used to them, or for whom they might trigger something. That doesn't make it weird to use them though. "Under siege" isn't one of those that's faded away due to racist tones or anything. Maybe it did trigger her for some reason, but I don't see why a few posters on this thread find it offensive.