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Original poster

Seperated and he moved and now wants weekly video chat with toddler

59 replies

Ruthfulmum · 07/04/2022 03:45

Hi, I am hoping to get advice. I am currently separated with husband. He could not cope with lockdown and having a baby so he moved out to a motel in October. I moved back to my parents and he decided to move to another town close to his friends and family. We did not make any plans regarding now toddler and out of the blue in March he messaged: wants to video call every weekend with toddler and planning to visit him on his birthday in 3 months at my parents house; he does not communicate with my parents, when they texted him in October to see if he was okay, he never replied. I don't know what to say to him; just don't feel like engaging him at all. He wants to be a distant father, not healthy for the child

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 07/04/2022 04:03

I understand your concerns, but you should give him a chance. If he catches himself on, he would be an asset for you and your child.

My ex was totally useless but he finally became a decent father to our adult dd, better late than never.

timeisnotaline · 07/04/2022 04:40

It’s reasonable for him to want contact, although pathetic it’s not in person. If he arranged to take dc for a couple of hours every week, you’d be expected to have dc dressed and ready to go. So here, it’s reasonable you: arrange a sensible time in advance, consistent from week to week, perhaps spend 2-5 mins facilitating the call, then I’d go do my thing and leave him to it (making sure toddler doesn’t carry iPad around house sending your ex a video of the house etc) When he complains toddler just walks away, say they are 2/15 months/whatever , what do you expect. If you actually came to see them you could spend some time with them but I can’t tie a toddler to a screen for you.
So basically be reasonable but video calling with young kids is miserable and you don’t owe him facilitating beyond answering or inconvenient times with no notice.

Hiddenvoice · 07/04/2022 05:09

I know you’re upset and in your position I would be too but j think you need to give him a chance to be a dad. I reckon he’s probably wanting to do video chats so he can reintroduce himself and not upset your child as he is virtually a stranger. Try one video chat and see how it goes. Your child may not like sitting looking at the screen and might not talk.
If that’s the case then you tell your ex thag video chats won’t work but a face to face before his birthday might be better.
I know you said he doesn’t communicate with your parents. He doesn’t really need to. It was nice of them tk text him but if he wasn’t in the best of places in October then he doesn’t really need to reply and explain that to them.

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HollyBollyBooBoo · 07/04/2022 05:54

Plenty of distant fathers as you call them, it's not fair for you to block contact between them though. Video call feels reasonable although I think it won't last long with a toddler!

I get that you're hurting but you need to allow contact.

LollyLol · 07/04/2022 06:01

I'm sorry OP he let you and your baby down, in these situations why is it always the guy who gets to just walk away and not look back when they can't cope? And now here he is wanting it all on his own terms.

I hope he is providing financial support to his child?!

However your child deserves an opportunity to know their father, even if he's a tosser. He might turn out to be a tosser capable of loving and supporting a child.

Would you rather have in-person contact? If so then I'd tell him that. Otherwise a short video chat once a week is enough. You don't have to engage in the chat, just turn it on. You child will probably last a few minutes then toddle away. You can then say "he has gone off to play now, so I'll hang up for him." No need to do more than that to facilitate contact.

Regarding his birthday, it is perfectly acceptable to say no we have other plans that weekend and tell your ex you don't want it hanging over you and spoiling the weekend YOU dictate when the first visit happens. Tell him he can come two weekends later. If he has never met the child, a birthday is the worst day to do it. He literally thinks he's going to come swooping in to celebrate? I would gave several choice 4 letter words in that situation.

Original poster
Ruthfulmum · 07/04/2022 15:25

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the advice. I did the video call and toddler was just starring at the screen and after 2 and a bit minutes toddled off. Awkward as I really didn’t talk to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruthfulmum · 07/04/2022 15:39

I earn a good salary but I may feel better if I request financial support, especially because I am jealous that he is living a free premarriage life.

OP posts:
Xpologog · 07/04/2022 15:40

It is what it is and ex h will have to accept that.
A man on a screen doesn’t hold much interest for a toddler.
You did everything you can and it looks like dad will have to be happy with a few minutes chat each week.

TracyMosby · 07/04/2022 15:46

Put the video on. Put toddler on front of video. When toddler loses interest, say goodbye and switch it off. Dont converse with him. See how long that lasts.

Absolutely go to cms for contributions.

How far away did he move?

TracyMosby · 07/04/2022 15:46

A man on a screen doesn’t hold much interest for a toddler
He could try opening random boxes?

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2022 15:49

Well he is going to be a total stranger to him right now

How far away did he move?

BarnDance · 07/04/2022 16:04

I wouldn't do this as it's going to become your responsibility to make sure the toddler is interacting with him.

Also, he ends up getting time with you every week.

Lastly he gets to see inside your home.

With the birthday thing I'd say

'yes that would be absolutely brilliant if you saw ds on his birthday. However it won't be possible to be able to do this at the home of my parents or at my house. Whatever time you want is completely fine with me.'

Original poster
Ruthfulmum · 07/04/2022 16:14

He moved 7 hours drive away. I get a feeling that he got advice to make contact and he’s following orders but we will see how things pan out. We’d been married for 5 years together for 7 and I was blindsided when he booked the motel for a lengthy time. After 7 weeks of him saying don’t know when I am coming home I packed and moved back home for support. He has lived close by here before and has some acquaintances but 7 hours away will definitely make it harder to have a meaningful relationship with his child

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 07/04/2022 16:33

On the point about toddlers and video calls, agree you should facilitate, but your ex needs to understand that at that age it will mainly be you pointing the iPad at the toddler so he can watch him play. Maybe if your ex gets a few picture books he can try to read a story to your DC over the call.

My DC keep in touch with my parents who live in another country this way. Works brilliantly now with with my 8 year old, and starting to work well with my 5 year old. But at age 2 and 3 there was virtually no proper engagement, and only if I facilitated it, eg "why don't you sing Grandad that song you learnt at nursery? How about you show Grannie that new toy you got yesterday?"

viques · 07/04/2022 17:09

@Ruthfulmum

I earn a good salary but I may feel better if I request financial support, especially because I am jealous that he is living a free premarriage life.
It is not money for you, it is for the child, and because paying for your child is what parents do. Even if you don’t need the money put it in a savings account for the child .
Gingerkittykat · 07/04/2022 17:18

He needs to make an effort to physically see his child regularly, even if it is travelling up once every month or two.

Did he make any kind of effort at Christmas?

Lottie4 · 07/04/2022 17:19

He's a man on the screen who your DC doesn't know as he's got no connection with him. Not your fault, he walked away when times were hard and has only just come back.

If your ex really wants contact, he'll be in touch to work on it - let him do the work. The slightest chance this isn't solved, you can tell your DC that he asked for a video call and never got in touch again.

Yes, and he should be paying maintenance, if only a small amount. Things like be ok for you financially now, but you could lose your job, meet someone else - have another child with them - and ideally want to cut back your hours to spend time with both of them.

Original poster
Ruthfulmum · 07/04/2022 19:58

He forward a teddybear from his sister over Christmas. If he had made an effort to call or add his own present. I know deep down this marriage is over but occasionally there’s a guilt; it would be great for DS to grow up with both parents. It’s the grieving process I guess. Sorry I am now just rumbling. I will definitely get to cm for DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruthfulmum · 12/04/2022 01:28

Regarding my ex coming for birthday, this is the message he sent yesterday. Remember he is not talking to my parents and DS and I live with them.,.,... “Ideally I would like to visit him a few times over a week, not too long each time, in an environment that he feels safe and comfortable. Also, obviously you know that I'm travelling down specially for this, and I won't have any great setup of my own, or even the things he might need, so I need a little bit of support to make it a successful visit. Or let me know if you don't want me to come

OP posts:
Original poster
Ruthfulmum · 12/04/2022 01:29

I am just not in the right frame of mind to deal with this right now

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 12/04/2022 02:12

Wow. He's making you jump through hoops so if it fails then its your fault. Tell him he needs to do the thinking and make decisions. If he wants to be a parent then that is what it entails. Also say that he can't come to the house so he needs to think of somewhere.

Btw, if you have written exactly what he said then something doesn't feel right. Not quite an ow feel, not quite a solicitor feel....more like a divorced mate who likes to set up ex wife advice feel to it. Watch yourself Flowers

JessicaSpace · 12/04/2022 07:03

He's trying to make you feel like it's your fault. It will be summer when here for the birthday.

Whilst I agree with Pixie that you shouldn't have to think of a solution to his problem I think you are left with little choice as my instinct to manage this would be to be outwardly thrilled and enthusiastic but also laid-back about the 'Royal Visit' whilst ensuring he knew he was not going to be in control.

When you are in communication with him try to say positive rather than negative things. He's trying to get you to make problems so he can't see his child so don't fall for it.

It's a great idea to come to OurTown for a week and see ds, like I said it won't be possible to use my parents home for this. As you already know ds loves such-and-such park as well as feeding the ducks at different park and going to faraway library for singing. You two will have a great time during the week and I am sure you will have ideas of your own too.

Maybe throw in some practicalities

I've got a spare pushchair you could use/we don't use a push chair so much any more as ds likes to walk

Or

Ds loves getting the bus so no problems there

caringdenise009 · 12/04/2022 07:14

He's got a new girlfriend and it looks bad to her that he has abandoned his child.

BurgerKingAddict · 12/04/2022 07:28

What a cheek asking your parents for help and support as he’s travelling down on his own (and adult to see his own child for a few hours) when you have been raising your child this whole time!

Coffeeonmytoffee · 12/04/2022 07:35

What does he think is going to happen when your child sees him? Just a random man?! Honestly OP he is a prize dick who has put you in a difficult position. Are his parents interested? Sorry if you've already answered this.
I'd give him a set time to come and just one time and see how it goes.
Tell him he needs to pay to support his child.