Seperated and he moved and now wants weekly video chat with toddler

[Ruthfulmum]

Hi, I am hoping to get advice. I am currently separated with husband. He could not cope with lockdown and having a baby so he moved out to a motel in October. I moved back to my parents and he decided to move to another town close to his friends and family. We did not make any plans regarding now toddler and out of the blue in March he messaged: wants to video call every weekend with toddler and planning to visit him on his birthday in 3 months at my parents house; he does not communicate with my parents, when they texted him in October to see if he was okay, he never replied. I don't know what to say to him; just don't feel like engaging him at all. He wants to be a distant father, not healthy for the child

I wouldn’t do anything to facilitate him seeing his son. Does he need someone to help him get to work or do his shopping? I think not.

I'd not be jumping through hoops for him

A. Go via cms for child support
B. Text back 'I'm happy to assist contact with toddler for his birthday, however you'll need to make your own arrangements for this as my parents aren't available to facilitate contact. Maybe you'd prefer to meet toddler in a soft play area for an hour. Let me know your plans and we'll come to an arrangement'

If he agrees to soft play etc then he needs to book it, just ask him for the time and place. Make sure it's convenient for you and you're not running round for him

what a dick
how old was your son when he left? Did he do any babycare at all then - just wondering if he has any idea about a child's needs?

I personally think in the interests of my son I'd allow a one-off visit to the home for an hour just so it's a familiar environment with me around. Then he can sort out where the rest of the visits can take place.

Good advice here OP. Pursue him for child support, be supportive in the sense of saying visiting a good idea but don't help the arsehole. His responsibility.

Toddlers are. as you know, such hard work. I'd facilitate it at your parents house if ok with them but don't run about doing everything. Child hungry, ooh he'd better make food. Nappy changing, stuff is over there, etc.

The video calls are the same, facilitate but know it won't work. I used to call my 15 month and 3 year old from week long work trips and they'd walk away very quickly and I was there mum living with them.

Agree with the posts upthread about getting cms involved and turning on an iPad on the direction of your toddler and leaving him to manage the rest.

Google double bind where you can’t win no matter what the outcome because you are dealing with a pretty selfish often narcissist person who is trying to blame and find fault in others so they don’t ever have to take responsibility themselves. Then get yourself very clear on who is responsible for the way things are and have a short two liner ready for when he tries to blame you. This situation is not your fault.

He’s always had a way of isolating me and manipulating situations. Now that I have support and opened myself up to hearing others when I am struggling, he’s getting confused because I am a different person!
His parents died 4 years ago but he never really got along with them. I always felt sorry for him. The guy is 42, what the heck!
But I am not his mum, I am grateful for the advice I am getting here

Does he contribute financially at all? If not then he can splash out and pay to make it a nice week for your child. Actually even if he does he can take responsibility. I think the pp suggestion of positive reinforcement and a fee ideas of where he can take your child is really good.

@Ruthfulmum

Regarding my ex coming for birthday, this is the message he sent yesterday. Remember he is not talking to my parents and DS and I live with them.,.,... “Ideally I would like to visit him a few times over a week, not too long each time, in an environment that he feels safe and comfortable. Also, obviously you know that I'm travelling down specially for this, and I won't have any great setup of my own, or even the things he might need, so I need a little bit of support to make it a successful visit. Or let me know if you don't want me to come

Hm concerned a bit here with the last sentence. Yes it’s manipulating, but don’t tell him he can’t come as he could use that against you

That said make sure you keep every text etc he sends you

I would speak to your parents and ask that he comes to their house as that’s where you are living, then let him know. There is no reason your parents need to leave, they can be in the background. Ask him for dates and time he wants to come and how long etc

Don’t get involved in where he is staying. Show that you have bent over backwards to accommodate a relationship between the child and father. It will show you in a good light when he stops contact

In terms of his visit, either hold it at your parents, hell probably feel uncomfortable and not come too often and then blame you either but you'll have support. Or you could meet up at a soft play area each visit (make sure he pays), you can sit away from him having a coffee and reading a book, but it's a venue that your DS will enjoy with or without his dad trying to parent /play with him and hell get sick of your DC always coming to you might stop after the second day

Toddlers are. as you know, such hard work. I'd facilitate it at your parents house if ok with them but don't run about doing everything. Child hungry, ooh he'd better make food. Nappy changing, stuff is over there, etc.

She doesn't want him at her parents house, at her home. Why should she? And then he's going to be in her fridge and her pan cupboard? Because it's 'hard work' she should have him in her home?

It's not that hard to take a one year old out for a while. Most of us are doing it all the time.

Iam gobsmacked and heartbroken that a man you had been with 7 years could do this to you, and behave so callously to his child!
The cynical part of me agree with previous posters who suggest he may have a new girlfriend. I would be deeply suspicious after moving 7 hours away why he wants to start contact now. The hurt and bitter part of me would also fail to see why I should facilitate this useless and entitled man.
I agree with the good advice you are have been given re making a claim for maintenance, because regardless of your income you shouldn’t get to just make a baby and then walk away. Also you may not want to live with your parents forever and that income may help provide a secure home for your child.
I second good advice on how to handle video calls, do not engage with him directly, and do not attempt to keep little one on the call any longer than they want to. A video call is a selfish request your little one won’t be getting anything from it at that age.
I would be very worried when he visits that your child won’t recognise him and be distressed if you try to leave them with him. That said your ex doesn’t get to invite himself into your home, just tell him it’s a hard mo and if you like use the excuse it’s not your home and that he can take it up with your parents if he likes, that should shut him up!
Don’t let this horrible self centred man child try and gaslight you into thinking you are being unreasonable. At the end of the day at a 7 hour drive away all he is ever going to be is a passing acquaintance in your child’s life, don’t bother putting yourself out. Move on with your life you sound like a strong woman who was able to grasp control of the situation and pull away from this toxic individual.

@HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime

In terms of his visit, either hold it at your parents, hell probably feel uncomfortable and not come too often and then blame you either but you'll have support. Or you could meet up at a soft play area each visit (make sure he pays), you can sit away from him having a coffee and reading a book, but it's a venue that your DS will enjoy with or without his dad trying to parent /play with him and hell get sick of your DC always coming to you might stop after the second day

Or you can contact social services and ask for details of a contact centre. That way it is a safe, neutral space, suitable for your child with age appropriate facilities like a changing room, a place to prepare food that he brings etc. He won’t like it, but why should you or your parents be put in the position of having to be civil and host him.

@Ruthfulmum

Regarding my ex coming for birthday, this is the message he sent yesterday. Remember he is not talking to my parents and DS and I live with them.,.,... “Ideally I would like to visit him a few times over a week, not too long each time, in an environment that he feels safe and comfortable. Also, obviously you know that I'm travelling down specially for this, and I won't have any great setup of my own, or even the things he might need, so I need a little bit of support to make it a successful visit. Or let me know if you don't want me to come

Tell him your toddler feels safe and comfortable at soft play, the local park, and Mc Donald’s, and you will provide support by ensuring that you are available and your child is properly dressed for his outings.

Send him links to Airbnb near your dps home. And a map showing local cafes etc. You could go sit on another table.
Ime going along with it will show you are willing to co parent amicably. When he stops bothering your conscience is clear for your dc and court should he (his gf make him) seek legal advice in future.

I think you also need to stop thinking of him as the other parent, apart from financial support which he should absolutely be doing even if you put it straight into a child's savings account, or even better a Sipp child's pension to benefit DC when they are retired the compound interest will be good if you start young.

If he continues living 7 hours away in your head I would frame it as an uncle who visits occasionally. That's the sort of relationship your DC will have with him, maybe when he is much older he will even go visit during the school holidays like my cousins used to visit us but he will never have that father - son relationship.

Great advice above.

Agree to it in principle, not at your parents home and ask him to forward on the details of what HE is arranging.

He sounds like a waster.

I would be interested to know what his sudden motivation is.

Is he paying maintenance?

Wow he is manipulating isn’t he.
He’s clearly got in contact as someone somewhere has told him it’s better for something.
Write down all the contact he’s had since he’s left, include he sent nothing for Christmas.
Definitely apply for CM, that’s a no brainer.

State visits have to work for you, you or parents are present and you are not facilitating it for him and if he cancels that’s on him not you

I am blocking this guy! From now on email will do. I didn’t realise the emotional abuse I have been under. I am not living with him anymore to chase me for answers. Have already given him a response that he obviously does not want. He says...
“... I assume that you have received my messages above and are discussing with your family, and that you will get back to me.
It would however be nice for you to acknowledge me, it's getting fairly frustrating feeling ignored.”
I am blocking him!

@Ruthfulmum set up an email that is for contact with him only so you are not seeing his rubbish when you don't want to.
HE can bloody find an appropriate place this Ideally I would like to visit him a few times over a week, not too long each time, in an environment that he feels safe and comfortable. Also, obviously you know that I'm travelling down specially for this, and I won't have any great setup of my own, or even the things he might need, so I need a little bit of support to make it a successful visit. Or let me know if you don't want me to come
sounds coached, look at him being all 'reasonable' and child focused... and today's message? Is that so he can pretend to someone you ignore him?

You could respond with 'of course you are not being ignored, I am of course pleased to ensure that dc have contact with their dad, obviously as it's been 6 months since there has been any contact I'm glad you are going to find somewhere appropriate to do this'
Fuck him, he's still expecting you to do the heavy lifting and arrange it, so if it goes wrong, who's to Blame?....

What an utter areshole. I agree his messages are trying to make him look good and that you are the unreasonable one. Call him out, ball back in his court. He's a manipulative bastard and I'd put money on him doing this to impress a woman.

@MichelleScarn

You could respond with 'of course you are not being ignored, I am of course pleased to ensure that dc have contact with their dad, obviously as it's been 6 months since there has been any contact I'm glad you are going to find somewhere appropriate to do this' Fuck him, he's still expecting you to do the heavy lifting and arrange it, so if it goes wrong, who's to Blame?....

This is perfect.

‘Good morning. X will be delighted to see you, especially since it had been ) months since you last visited him, so I agree an environment where x feels most comfortable would be best. I am sure the environment you choose and organise will be in x’s best interest. Due to other commitments x time on x day works best for x. If you are unable to commit to seeing x on this day, please let me know as soon as possible. I’m sure as x’s father you will have the things he might need by x (date), particularly since, as of yet, no child maintenance has been paid. Moving forward please direct all communication through this email address.’

Cut and pasted. Sent 🙏