Seperated and he moved and now wants weekly video chat with toddler

[Ruthfulmum]

Hi, I am hoping to get advice. I am currently separated with husband. He could not cope with lockdown and having a baby so he moved out to a motel in October. I moved back to my parents and he decided to move to another town close to his friends and family. We did not make any plans regarding now toddler and out of the blue in March he messaged: wants to video call every weekend with toddler and planning to visit him on his birthday in 3 months at my parents house; he does not communicate with my parents, when they texted him in October to see if he was okay, he never replied. I don't know what to say to him; just don't feel like engaging him at all. He wants to be a distant father, not healthy for the child

@TracyMosby

‘Good morning. X will be delighted to see you, especially since it had been ) months since you last visited him, so I agree an environment where x feels most comfortable would be best. I am sure the environment you choose and organise will be in x’s best interest. Due to other commitments x time on x day works best for x. If you are unable to commit to seeing x on this day, please let me know as soon as possible. I’m sure as x’s father you will have the things he might need by x (date), particularly since, as of yet, no child maintenance has been paid. Moving forward please direct all communication through this email address.’

Exactly! Perfect

@MichelleScarn

You could respond with 'of course you are not being ignored, I am of course pleased to ensure that dc have contact with their dad, obviously as it's been 6 months since there has been any contact I'm glad you are going to find somewhere appropriate to do this' Fuck him, he's still expecting you to do the heavy lifting and arrange it, so if it goes wrong, who's to Blame?....

Thank you.

I thought I had this post done and can sort things out but I am back. I gave him dates to come visit ds, Monday and Tuesday 9am 12, for the two days. He says he’s not driving 7 hours and back for such a short visit he wants to Monday to Friday 9-12 because it “might be a while before he comes to see him again!?!
Anyway, him being here the whole week picking up ds that does not suit me (for numerous reasons) that I am not going to get into with him. Monday and Tuesday mornings suit me.

I had to block him because I’d wake up with lots of messages from him wanting to reason back and forth. I said it’s Monday and Tuesday not Monday to Friday. So I blocked him and said he can email but instead he text my dad to ask him to tell me to respond to his message to explain why I have cut communication with him. I am struggling to engage effectively with him.

I know he is my child father but why can’t he accept visiting for the 2 days! It has been freeing without getting numerous texts from him. Thank you for supporting me during this time

Do you have his email? Call his bluff. Something like:

Sorry to hear you no longer want to travel to visit Ds on X dates. He is currently available for contact (with you present) on X date, Y time. Z place Please confirm within x days whether you will be using this contact time. If this is not suitable, these (insert dates) are suitable alternatives. Please confirm which dates (times) you will be visiting.

As you have not had in person contact since y date ( when ds was months age) contact will need to build up gradually. (Insert schedule such as park, soft play, library visits. )

Please contact via (email)

Get someone to help you compose a reply.

You could also mention that as he chose the dates without consultation, then he took the risk that Ds would have prior commitments.

If he would like more contact he needs to negotiate dates with X amount of notice.

Ps get your dad to send your email address and not much else. Due to your continued harassment... Please contact Ruth on this email address. This address will be checked regularly. Messages regarding child contact will be replied to as soon as practicable.

I cannot see my reply. Ill try again. id slightly amend the reply above, as this is game playing now. He is aiming to make you look unreasonable. Firstly, tell you dad to respond with ‘As previously stated, all communication is to be through x email address.’ Then block him. Then get him to screen shot the text showing his number and email it to you.

Sorry to hear you no longer want to to visit X on X dates, dates which you originally requested. As previously stated, he is currently available for supervised contact on X date, Y time, Z place. Please confirm by X whether you will be using this contact time. As you stated and I agreed in your original message, contact needs to be built up gradually and sensible as you have not had in person contact since y date (when X was months old). As previously and now repeatedly stated, all contact is via (email). This number will no longer be available.

*sensibly

Good suggestions here. Can you go through an official channel like a contact centre though? Then you don't have to deal with him. Not sure how that works.