If you were raised religious but left the faith...

[GazillionthNameChange]

What's your engagement with the faith now, and how does your family feel about it?

My parents raised us in a specific faith and still actively adhere to that faith. Out of us adult siblings, two are no longer practising and one has been clear that she no longer believes at all. I am still an adherent of the faith and have recently been getting a little hurt that there is zero acknowledgement of the faith celebrations/occasions we were all brought up with. I feel like just because they have chosen to leave the faith doesn't mean they can't wish the half of the family who are still practising good wishes or thoughts on these occasions and acknowledge our shared memories and traditions. People completely outside the faith who I work with will do it but my own siblings don't, which I find puzzling. They do know when these occasions are but they either don't care at all, or actively avoid any mention of religion. If I ever say anything about doing Lent (for example) they will pass right over it and they will never proactively mention anything about it or ask how it's going, even though they know it's very important to half the family.

I get that religion is an emotive topic and I know my parents have been deeply saddened by the choices of these siblings. Even so we are all adults now and I feel like they could at least try and show respect for the traditions we were brought up with by acknowledging occasions at a bare minimum, even if it's just a 'happy X'. I'm trying to understand it from their perspective - I respect whatever choices they've made and never try to preach, but maybe there's something I'm missing here? To me it feels like a constant elephant in the room and adds tension to otherwise fairly happy/routine family chats and interactions.

Also, I have intentionally not put this in AIBU - hoping for a more nuanced discussion and particularly interested in hearing the other perspective of people who've left the faith they were raised with, as I'm conscious I may be missing something here

I'm not sure. I do celebrate Christmas but not as a religious festival. I feel actively angry thinking about religion at times. I don't want to think about Lent as it reminds me of a particular person who to me has been visibly damaged by her religious upbringing and the constant emphasis on self denial. I just don't live by the Church rhythm any more. I would expect religious people to have an active worship community of their own to sustain them in their faith - why would they need me?

Someone who has had no engagement with a faith is likely to be neutral towards it and will have no problem wishing you (eg) Happy Easter.

Someone who was raised in the faith and left may have found that the culture and expectations were damaging towards them and may want to have no involvement with it whatsoever, feeling that any positive comments would be taken as a sign of approval towards the faith/faith leaders/wider community, or perhaps they feel someone will use it as an opportunity to try to drag them back into the fold.

My parents don’t practice as strictly as they used to - they do observe religious holidays and festivals and attend mass during those times, but aren’t regular Sunday attendees like they used to be when me and Dsis were kids.
My maternal grandmother is still piously involved in the faith, and does try to pile it on me and Dsis, but I think she’s accepted that we are no longer buying into it.
There was a bit of a family scuffle when me and Dsis made the decision not to baptise our children, but that quickly blew over.

I left the faith I was raised in.

But it was a Christian faith so the important days are celebrated / we get time off work and school (eg Christmas and Easter).

I don’t wish my family members particularly happy Easter for example on the actual day.

I do celebrate Christmas but in a secular way so I’d say happy Christmas but I wouldn’t go to a carol service.

Easter I wouldn’t particularly say happy Easter I don’t think. I don’t know - I’ll see what I do in a week or two.

Why would I go out of my way to acknowledge dates and occasions of a faith I don’t believe in and whose adherents treated me poorly?

we were raised religious (Islam) and I would say as my siblings and I have grown we have varying levels of faith, but one of my siblings has left the religion and family completely. she celebrates apostate day and one of her social media handles is the Arabic word for someone that leaves Islam, so she is quite vocal about this.

To try and understand it from their perspective, I would say it's harder to say Happy Lent (for example) as someone who has left the religion than it is for someone who hasn't been within the fold at all, because there is something in that religion that they didn't agree with and maybe it brought them resentment. It may take some time for them to be able to casually say things like that again, or they may never do it, and we have to be just as accepting of that as we would want people to accept that we follow a certain faith.

@AmbushedByCake

Someone who has had no engagement with a faith is likely to be neutral towards it and will have no problem wishing you (eg) Happy Easter.

Someone who was raised in the faith and left may have found that the culture and expectations were damaging towards them and may want to have no involvement with it whatsoever, feeling that any positive comments would be taken as a sign of approval towards the faith/faith leaders/wider community, or perhaps they feel someone will use it as an opportunity to try to drag them back into the fold.

This is a good point that I've considered - I'm sure my siblings have complex feelings about the faith and some may be quite negative. They are happy to eat celebratory meals with us though on these occasions and receive gifts but I find the silence around the reason for the occasion a little bit hurtful.

My thinking is that if something is important to the people you love, it would be nice to acknowledge its importance to them in some way. But I do get there are complex feelings around leaving a faith, and obviously not all great ones since they chose to leave.

Why do I have to acknowledge a faith that damaged me just because it’s important to my family?

@AchillesPoirot

Why do I have to acknowledge a faith that damaged me just because it’s important to my family?

Are your feelings entirely negative about the faith? I suppose I thought maybe my siblings could still have some positive associations with occasions - as I said they will still join in for celebratory meals and even ask when they are getting invited for those meals, so I thought they might still have some happy memories around rituals and traditions even if they choose not to adhere to it.

I thought also maybe since we get on well and I try and be present in their lives without any judgment or preaching, they might feel comfortable to acknowledge something they know is important to me and was once a big part of their life too. I suppose to me it feels a bit unnatural to have complete avoidance of the topic but I am trying to understand it from their perspective.

I agree with all the other posters who have explained about the neutrality of non-belief/scant knowledge of something means you can send cards/presents/well wishes and it’s just in a moment. It carries no past connected experiences/ complex feelings.

For people who have come out of a faith it’s much more connected to the stripping away/letting go - which is more painful than just ‘nope don’t want to go there’. There is knowledge of hurting people you love by leaving, there is living incongruously while you are sifting and shifting your feelings (which is uncomfortable), there is coming to a sense of having to push forward with your own beliefs (including not believing) regardless - which feels isolating.

Also for me, whilst I can appreciate the beauty, the good hearts of my family, believing certain unbelievable things, in such a black and white, non-nuanced way makes me feel like I was brain washed a bit and now I am the one who has woken up. It does place a barrier between me and them and so avoiding the subject is easier and prevents pointless conversations. I also feel a sense of shame about what I used to believe as my ‘faith’ has evolved to one that is much more encompassing and less narrow.

People do not want to be reminded of such feelings.

But you want positive acknowledgment of something that caused them pain. Can’t you see how hurtful that is for them?

My family have always had a largely agnostic attitude to life. My mum was confirmed but is now mostly humanist, my dad isn't too bothered, other relatives either have a deep connection with the church, use it for tradition, or not bother at all. My Gran used to take communion because she liked the wine. I myself am a hardline atheist. None of my daughter's generation in our family are christened. I think we are a pretty typical British family.

Generally to keep the peace, the more religious relatives keep their faith as a private affair, they don't remind the rest of us what festival is approaching or tell us what they're up to in their Church. I will say Happy Easter or Happy Christmas if I see them but other than than no mention is made.

I work with a diverse bunch of people, and the largest majority are Christian or Muslim. We acknowledge religious festivals at work but we tend not to talk extensively about them, but find more in common with things non-religious like sports teams or what we have been watching on the telly. Sometimes people bring in food to celebrate a festival which is lovely and sometimes we obviously have to make reasonable adjustments for people, but other than that there's no strong acknowledgement.

I wonder if the OPs relations association with the faith might be linked with negative memories? Or maybe the idea of God etc. is too fantastical that they completely want to put that period of their life behind them? I went to a CofE primary school and was christened (more out of tradition than faith) and can now see I was pushed into the religion by the important adults around me, namely teachers, friends parents, my brownie pack leader and the local vicar. Why would adults say these things if they weren't true? But my parents rarely went to church.and as I grew up I got sceptical, and eventually decided "not for me". My uncle got married in church and I was actually embarrassed saying the prayers etc because I knew I didn't believe.

I don't know what OP wants. Affirmation? I'm sure their family members are hyper-aware that a major religious day is approaching. It's just that they no longer want to take part, because they don't believe in it. It can be embarrassing, or even two faced to say, Happy Easter when you think it's nonsense. I understand a large part of religion is "spreading the word" but you have to accept some people just aren't interested.

This is typical of religious people. They want acknowledgement and passive affirmation sigh that.

I hate it.

I’m trying to think of a way to say this nicely, as it can come out rude- but non religious people are not hurting you by being non religious in your gatherings and not wanting to participate in religious talk/activity, whether or not they were raised in a faith.

I understand it must feel like a division, because it used to be something your entire family did and now it isn’t - but they aren’t doing anything wrong or hurtful by not wanting to do it any more.

Just to add, in support of @AchillesPoirot it can be just one BIG thing that makes a person question everything they thought was real and could be believed in, and that thing could be so heinous that it begins the process of shutting the door on it completely. And so anything associated with that belief system is painful to revisit, traditions or not.

Religious upbringing was a huge part of growing up for me and my partner. We’re both non-believers, but culturally felt closely aligned to that community until the point where we just couldn’t do it any more and we couldn’t contemplate raising our children the same way. It’s been very hard to navigate with family.

Are you LDS OP? Your post resonated with my thoughts on conversations I've had with families both in and out of the church recently.

Some people feel very harmed by the religion they grew up in and therefore don't want to have to acknowledge any of the practical observances.

Have you asked your siblings how they feel about the faith now they've left? I would encourage you to ask them, check they are really okay and truly listen to them with love and an open heart.

Hth

Of that. I’m my last post. Autocorrect sorry.

IN.

My phone has a cracked screen protector and I have a disability that affects use of my hands. I’m sorry.

I came to say exactly what @Cherryana said.

I left my religion, now it's a difficult balance for me between not wanting to hurt my parents feelings (they remain religious) but at the same time being true to myself. My religious upbringing did bring some positives, but was also harmful, cruel and oppressive at times. On the whole I do not buy into organised religion but respect those who do. I feel spiritual and connected to the earth I suppose is the best way to put it. However I can't discuss this with my parents as they feel their way is the only way ie they are disrespectful to my beliefs. Closed minded.

I think their religion serves a purpose for them. They would be ungrounded and Unanchored without it so have no interest in debating it. Therefore I avoid all discussions and would not go out of my way to say e.g. happy Easter.

@AchillesPoirot

But you want positive acknowledgment of something that caused them pain. Can’t you see how hurtful that is for them?

They have never told me that the religion caused them any pain. I find it hard to know what their precise feelings are about it as they never mention it. I'd actually prefer it if I knew they hated it/never wanted to speak about it because I could then respect their wishes and understand better where we all stand.

I'm not looking for them to affirm my beliefs in any way. I also don't want to cause anyone pain or proselytise. But it feels like a large part of our shared history is unmentionable/cannot be spoken about and that feels a little sad to me. We do have nice memories too I'd hope, like gift-giving and special foods. It was such a big part of our life and memories as a family.

You know that trying to talk to someone who is still in a religion you left is a complete and utter waste of time don’t you? They always in my experience minimise your hurt and can’t understand why you left when they wouldn’t.

They don’t get it. And they won’t while they’re in the religion. So in my experience talking to them about it is just churning up hurt for no good reason.

@coffeeiwish

Are you LDS OP? Your post resonated with my thoughts on conversations I've had with families both in and out of the church recently.

Some people feel very harmed by the religion they grew up in and therefore don't want to have to acknowledge any of the practical observances.

Have you asked your siblings how they feel about the faith now they've left? I would encourage you to ask them, check they are really okay and truly listen to them with love and an open heart.

Hth

I'm not LDS, no - just a mainstream faith and denomination.

I would love to ask them about the faith and their feelings but it's hard as they never mention it or acknowledge it. I try and show I care and that I'm non-judgmental but I'm not sure how to open up the conversation.

This is a tricky one for me. I was brought up in the Catholic faith and loved it all. A strong sense of community, great schools, wonderful heartwarming celebrations that cemented my great childhood. I'm 55 next and I probably stopped believing about 10 years ago. It was a gradual process. My siblings are still Catholic but non practising and the issue never arises ; probably because we accept and love each other unconditionally.
My mum and dad are long gone. I don't think they would mind I no longer believe. My mum died very suddenly and it was church that helped me through it.
@Cherryana, yes, I think I feel perhaps that I was brainwashed. I feel I did wake up. @saggyhairyass, as a child I went along with it, too. It was what we did.
Others in my family go to church etc and my granddaughter is receiving the same upbringing as me. I talk to her about God etc ( recently her grandad died, and we talked about heaven, for example).
Thanks for this thread, op. If I sound confused ( and hypocritical), it's probably because I am.
I think I was happier as a Catholic; I simply no longer believe.

I'm a reverted Catholic but my siblings are agnostic and dsis is very against churchy things. I think my dbro just couldn't be bothered with it. I don't expect them to engage with my faith. They refrain from mocking me too much but are surprised by my return to faith. We do first Holy communion soon and I'm not taking dsis to massbut dB will come.

I think you should try not to be hurt but model a positive experience of living in faith. In the long run they may turn back to it in tough times. Don't put them off it. In the meantime pray for them.

I can't see my dsis ever coming back to faith but dB might.