If you were raised religious but left the faith...

[GazillionthNameChange]

What's your engagement with the faith now, and how does your family feel about it?

My parents raised us in a specific faith and still actively adhere to that faith. Out of us adult siblings, two are no longer practising and one has been clear that she no longer believes at all. I am still an adherent of the faith and have recently been getting a little hurt that there is zero acknowledgement of the faith celebrations/occasions we were all brought up with. I feel like just because they have chosen to leave the faith doesn't mean they can't wish the half of the family who are still practising good wishes or thoughts on these occasions and acknowledge our shared memories and traditions. People completely outside the faith who I work with will do it but my own siblings don't, which I find puzzling. They do know when these occasions are but they either don't care at all, or actively avoid any mention of religion. If I ever say anything about doing Lent (for example) they will pass right over it and they will never proactively mention anything about it or ask how it's going, even though they know it's very important to half the family.

I get that religion is an emotive topic and I know my parents have been deeply saddened by the choices of these siblings. Even so we are all adults now and I feel like they could at least try and show respect for the traditions we were brought up with by acknowledging occasions at a bare minimum, even if it's just a 'happy X'. I'm trying to understand it from their perspective - I respect whatever choices they've made and never try to preach, but maybe there's something I'm missing here? To me it feels like a constant elephant in the room and adds tension to otherwise fairly happy/routine family chats and interactions.

Mum staunchly catholic and raised us as such but pretty much all of us (6) at around 14 or 15 ditched it all other than decrees for younger children e.g. holy communion etc or attending family events such as christenings, weddings and funerals. We wish each other Happy Christmas and sometimes Easter - Kids still get EAster eggs/presents etc

But thats about it

I don't have enough time to read the whole thread at present but it's interesting.
Someone at work prepared for her death from cancer and she wrote her own funeral service. She wrote that she was not a believer in a religion but if any of the mourners were and they wanted to pray for her that was ok with her. I wondered if she had had someone guiding her to do that and I thought it was good that she didn't reject the possibility of prayers just because she herself wouldn't use them. Come to think of it, it was an 'inclusive' last act.
Sorry, not an answer to your OP, but meandering is normal I think.

Raised a catholic, I have been a committed atheist for 10 years having attended an Anglican Church for about 17 years before that . I left the Catholic Church in 1993 or thereabouts after the Catholic Church rejected a true role for women in the church and when the enormity of having been sexually assaulted by a priest had sunk in .

My anger really resurfaced when another priest tried to defend the church’s actions at the time the huge sex scandal emerged.

Now I won’t have anything to do with the church yet my mum still deeply religious still wants to pray for me and get me to pray for others . It raises my hackles every time she does . I hate it.

That said I have “attended” a few very religious funerals sadly of covid victims online in the last 2 years but that was out of respect for them rather than the religion which I let pass over my head. And I did watch carols at kings at Christmas but again for the music albeit religious. We only celebrate a secular Christmas and Easter by ourselves - big family ones have too much religious input.

I have so much hurt inside me around religion and the Catholic Church in particular. I am not surprised about how the OPs siblings react to her bringing it up. I don’t want a huge row with my mum so I change the subject and minimise. Rightly or wrongly .

You are coming over as very preachy OP whet their you realise it or not . It’s off putting reading your posts , I cringe at the thought of a real life conversation with you, I am afraid .

Perhaps they eat the celebratory meals and accept the gifts because they feel that it would be even more hurtful to those still in the faith if they were to refuse to attend at all.

It sounds like they are trying to balance not hurting you by showing up, being respectful by being there with their own feelings about the faith.

I'm not religious, but as part of my job sometimes have to go to church for religious celebrations, such as Easter. I sit quietly and respectfully, but don't participate in prayers or hymns. I would hope those those in the faith respect my choice.

Agree with the other leavers on this thread. I left for complex reasons often involving anger, shame, feelings of brain washing etc . Frankly I think my remaining family members should be thankful I do come to celebratory meals etc if invited. I feel cut off from them by their exclusivity and superiority and it reminds I'm glad I gave it all up. I think you should be more appreciative of what your family do do. There's probably a lot going unsaid on their part, out of kindness to you.

Left Catholicism the minute I could aged about 14, can't bear it. My DF still staunch believer, knows I'm not and never speak of it. I know my parents were very upset that I didn't get married in church and didn't have my DC's baptised but hell would freeze over before I ventured down any of those avenues so afraid they have to just accept it. I sort of feel a bit sad for them that they haven't been able to pass it on but no way am I forcing a religion I loathe on to my DC's.

I don't mind if people want to pray for me though and bizarrely I sort of want to believe in God but cannot abide religion in any shape or form but happy if it gives comfort to others.

I was brought up Catholic - at the age of 11 I decided it was not for me but I only felt I had the right to walk away at 18. Having it forced on me made me incredibly angry towards the whole set up - I struggle to discuss religion on neutral terms. I join in with the religious celebrations in a cultural sense, I’d happily not bother but the cultural thing means something to dh and the dcs so I go along with it - no one mentions religion though - it’s irrelevant. I’m glad my dcs don’t feel any anger towards religion- they don’t believe though. My mum has lost most of her faith now - she’s nearly 90 and I think her feelings are a direct result of a lack of support from the church. I will attend church at weddings and funeral but unlike my siblings I won’t pretend I have a faith by chanting prayers or receiving communion.

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney How am I coming across as preachy? I said before that I would never say I'd pray for them or ask them to pray for anyone. The only time I mention religion to them is in a passing sense e.g. if they ask what I've been up to and some religious occasion has just happened/is about to happen and I've been busy with that, or if we're organising a family event around a religious celebration or occasion. These are few and far between anyway - we are much more likely to gather for a Sunday roast and chat about new Netflix shows than anything else

The whole reason I started this thread was to try and understand the silence around religion and as I said, feeling a little sad about it, not so that I can preach to anyone. I would love to get to the point where we can speak openly about our religious views and understand each other's stances. It would be great if they could acknowledge certain aspects of the faith even just for nostalgia/cultural connection, especially as our parents get older and their faith is so important to them. I understand that may not happen and I respect that but I'd like to at least understand what their stance is rather than me trying to guess at what their silence means. We don't need to sit around and have discussions about theology or anything, just have a baseline appreciation of each person's stance rather than tiptoe around things constantly.

And I don't think I'm better than them - I feel like that accusation is often levelled at people who adhere to a faith. I'm far, far from a perfect believer and I have my struggles too to maintain the faith. My sadness is more around feeling like something that was central to our cultural identity, memories and traditions as a family, doesn't even get acknowledged now. There is still a lot of love and care there but it does feel like there is a big elephant in the room and we have to tiptoe around so many topics and memories to make sure we don't even go close to mentioning it.

I was raised Mormon (LDS) intil I was 30 and then left because I finally accepted I was Gay. Thankfully most of my friends and all of my family were amazingly supportive and never had any issues.

My sadness is more around feeling like something that was central to our cultural identity, memories and traditions as a family, doesn't even get acknowledged now. I think the problem is that you only see the positive aspects of your family faith whereas they are likely to express their experience in less glowing terms. You want to bring up experiences that for you were happy and for them maybe not do much and tbh when any of my siblings try to gaslight our childhood be it with the Catholic Church or our parents it makes me bloody furious - I won’t pretend because it makes the deluded happy.

@chirpychirpycheap I don't only see positives to the family faith. I have some negative memories of religious practice too - it wasn't always fun! But what I suppose I was saying is that good or bad, it did underpin much of our family life. And I would hope there are some positive memories amidst many negative ones (if that's how they perceive it). I accept that maybe they could feel all the memories are negative? I'm not sure.

I'm an ex-Catholic. I was staunchly anti in my teens/early twenties, and felt quite uncomfortable on the occasions I had to attend church (weddings/funerals etc).

A few years ago, my dad told me my mum had been upset that I hadn't wished her happy Easter. It just hadn't occurred to me - living in an agnostic/athiest British family with three kids, Easter for us is about chocolate!

I don't talk to my Catholic relatives about faith. I could talk to my mum about it, but there's nowhere to go really - she believes and I don't, and we both accept the other's position but don't understand it. I'd be happy to chat about church-related happy memories if I could think of any, but I can't immediately call up anything like that that it would be nice to reminisce about. I'm honestly not sure if that's because I've left the faith or not.

I've softened towards it over the years - to the extent that I occasionally feel a flash of something that isn't quite regret that my own kids can't relate to that part of my upbringing at all. (Mostly, though, I'm delighted that they don't!)

I wonder if it would be helpful for you to clarify what you think is missing - is it that you want your relatives to acknowledge the big festivities (e.g. wish you a happy Easter), or is it that you want to reminisce with them, in which case, what do you think would happen if you bought up a funny/happy memory?

accept that maybe they could feel all the memories are negative? I'm not sure I think it’s hard to discuss the good memories whilst carefully avoiding the bad ones - the ones that made us walk away - you’re asking them to go back there - you won’t like what you hear, it won’t make anyone feel better - you have decided to continue with your faith despite the bad things. They have not insisted you join them, they would clearly rather not talk about it and I think you should respect their pov and refrain from poking the bear.

@chirpychirpycheap

accept that maybe they could feel all the memories are negative? I'm not sure I think it’s hard to discuss the good memories whilst carefully avoiding the bad ones - the ones that made us walk away - you’re asking them to go back there - you won’t like what you hear, it won’t make anyone feel better - you have decided to continue with your faith despite the bad things. They have not insisted you join them, they would clearly rather not talk about it and I think you should respect their pov and refrain from poking the bear.

This.

I guess I fundamentally don’t understand why you think you’re tiptoeing around an elephant in the room? Why do you feel you’re not just having normal family gatherings where religion just isn’t a topic of conversation?

Nothing you’ve said anywhere in your posts makes me think your siblings are even giving it a passing thought, let alone expecting you to tiptoe around it as a subject.

I wonder if it would be helpful for you to clarify what you think is missing - is it that you want your relatives to acknowledge the big festivities (e.g. wish you a happy Easter), or is it that you want to reminisce with them, in which case, what do you think would happen if you bought up a funny/happy memory?

Yes, this exactly.

@chirpychirpycheap

accept that maybe they could feel all the memories are negative? I'm not sure I think it’s hard to discuss the good memories whilst carefully avoiding the bad ones - the ones that made us walk away - you’re asking them to go back there - you won’t like what you hear, it won’t make anyone feel better - you have decided to continue with your faith despite the bad things. They have not insisted you join them, they would clearly rather not talk about it and I think you should respect their pov and refrain from poking the bear.

Yes, this. It seems they're already joining in with the less-religious happy elements, e.g. family dinners.

With religious elements, it can be harder to separate the good and the bad. For example, I enjoyed going to the Nativity service as a child every year. But it's hard to remember that without also remembering that the vicars who led those services include one who bragged proudly about how she'd made a gay couple cry, and one who's currently under investigation for child sexual abuse.

I believe in God.

I don’t believe in organised religions.

I’m just not a catholic anymore after a childhood
with a mother who was batshit over the religion, having been raised at a convent boarding school and was all encompassed in it.

When she got cancer she said it was her punishment for leaving her first abusive husband, when she was dying she was still saying she deserved it for divorce and her friends at the church agreed with her.

My childhood was marred by it. My mother had some terrible ideas born out of religion, I didn’t believe in it from a small child. It seemed terrible to me and I saw so many awful things.

I too was forced to go to a convent school, she died when I was 12 and it was her dying wish which had to be adhered to. My dad is actually an atheist - he just went along with it to keep the peace, even the school thing after she died, although we never had to suffer a church service again.

All I saw from the catholic church was control, hypocrisy and money grabbing.

I’m a funny one about christmas - I don’t think you should celebrate if you don’t believe in God and Jesus. Because then it’s just an excuse
for presents and a party.

Same with easter, if you aren’t a believer, what are you doing. Although, even as a staunch catholic, easter was just praying at 3pm on good friday, church on sunday and easter eggs for my mother.

I keep my gob shut though and let others have a good time. And my children would never know how I feel! I want them to have a nice time, and out christmas as are small and paired down anyway, we don’t spend a fortune so I’m okay with it.

And people have said over the years that they can’t understand how I can say I believe in God but not follow a religion.

I don’t thing the two go hand in hand. Religion is about control. God isn’t.

I was raised Catholic and went to a Catholic school. I'm now atheist and the only one who left the religion in my family.

Looking back, I realise how you were never allowed to question the religion. I was never given the option as a child to decide if I wanted to believe in the religion, so I really dislike the forced nature of religious views in families.

It is damaging and doesn't allow your child to have independent views.

@Stellaris22

I was raised Catholic and went to a Catholic school. I'm now atheist and the only one who left the religion in my family.

Looking back, I realise how you were never allowed to question the religion. I was never given the option as a child to decide if I wanted to believe in the religion, so I really dislike the forced nature of religious views in families.

It is damaging and doesn't allow your child to have independent views.

Oh I was quite forceful as a child. The more my mother pushed, the more I pushed back.

I was told I was going to hell more times than I care to remember.

Refused to participate in my holy communion or confirmation. They did it anyway. I was told I was evil and this had to be done to save me.

I got the smacking of my life after my confirmation where you have to say you renounce the devil
and I refused to say a word.

I do feel bad for the poor lady who ran the confirmation classes at church, I have her a run for her money. Bit shitty really, looking back, she was just a nice old lady.

Our priest however, was the biggest hypocrite going. His sexual orientation was one that he lambasted publicly.

You’re imagining an elephant in the room OP, but how about ´never tickle a sleeping dragon’. I don’t think having happy nostalgic conversations about religious events of your childhood is likely to happen with your siblings. If you get them talking about religion, the conversation might be far less pleasant than you imagine.
I learnt to avoid talking about religion a long time ago. None of it ever made sense to me and I found the idea of faith scary to be honest. I saw it as a socially acceptable and potentially contagious delusion. As a child/young teen I thought if I explained logically why religion was nonsense then people would understand and stop believing and stop expecting me to believe too. Of course it doesn’t work like that. I learnt to leave the subject well alone. It took some conscious effort. If your relationships with your siblings are ok at the moment I really wouldn’t push them on this.

@AmbushedByCake

Someone who has had no engagement with a faith is likely to be neutral towards it and will have no problem wishing you (eg) Happy Easter.

Someone who was raised in the faith and left may have found that the culture and expectations were damaging towards them and may want to have no involvement with it whatsoever, feeling that any positive comments would be taken as a sign of approval towards the faith/faith leaders/wider community, or perhaps they feel someone will use it as an opportunity to try to drag them back into the fold.

This.

Additionally, this was a choice they made about a choice that was made for them. That comes with its own loaded implications.

If your faith is so important to you, surely you can appreciate that their LACK of faith was disrespected for their entire childhoods. Not wishing you a Happy Easter doesn't come close.