I still can't speak the language!

[Thejoyfulstar]

Three and a half years ago, my husband and I moved abroad for work, taking our 2 children whp were aged 1 and 3 at the time. We are both from the UK and didn't speak the local language at all. We work for the same company where everyone speaks English but were both very excited to learn the language.

As we both work full time and have no family support at all, we started having online lessons when the kids were in bed. We were normally so exhausted from working all day and dealing with the kids, we both struggled to concentrate or complete our homework to any meaningful standard. We tried Saturday mornings but it was too intense with the kids running around. Then our teacher did something which we both felt was inappropriate and we didn't want to use him anymore.

In the meantime we would do bits of study on our own from textbooks and apps, and try to chat to locals in coffee shops or the park etc. We were making ok progress considering, but a year into our journey, covid hit.

We were working online while managing our kids at home which, which was incredibly stressful so online lessons took a backseat. We weren't allowed to go out so couldn't chat to locals.

When life reopened, we tried to resume chatting to locals but it was much more difficult with masks. The business of working and having the kids took over and the lessons took a back burner again. We resumed online lessons with a different teacher who is great, but the tiredness issue in the evenings after work is the same.

Then I got pregnant and had another baby so lessons have taken a backseat again. Every expat I know who can speak the language has either married a local or moved here when single and childless and had the time and energy to devote to learning the language.

Work is an English speaking environment, my husband doesn't speak the language, and the locals we do get to speak to still wear masks everywhere which adds another level of difficulty. We are always too tired or busy just dealing with life to make a serious attempt at learning the language.

When I am relaxed and speaking to a patient and understanding local who speaks slowly, I can chat away and get my point across. However I am completely out of my depth in most situations where I'm required to use the language for anything other than pleasant small talk. Accessing local services without a translator is almost impossible.

We love this country, have a really brilliant life here and both really want to learn the language. Aside from watching TV and listening to the radio in the language etc we don't know what else we can currently do. Our family commitments and lack of extra energy, as well as total lack immersion, is holding us back. I'm now feeling totally overwhelmed and am starting to realise its never going to happen because I'm always too busy or tired.

My baby is 6 weeks old and sometimes I can barely string a sentence together in English, let alone the local language. A workman came to fix something yesterday and commented how poor my language is for how long I've been here. He is completely right but it was depressing!

Any ideas? I don't want to say the language but it's one of the romantic European ones.

It takes a very long time unless you are totally immersed (ie. Work and home life) so don't be hard on yourself.
I managed to start a French conversation group which is going really well. I posted on the local French Facebook group to find someone who would be willing to guide the sessions as a native speaker. The charge is €5/ person for an hour. Then I made a Facebook group and invited lots of local non-French speakers to join.

It has now evolved so French people who want to improve their English come and English-speaking who want to improve their French come. There us a vague theme each week and people just try to talk. Nice way to meet people too.
Also it's pretty informal so no problem taking a baby along!

Have you tried Duolingo? It won't solve your problem but it will consolidate and maybe stretch what you know.
Can you do a language exchange with another mother. Meet up one day and speak that language. The other you speak English?

Maybe buddying up with a native speaker family with same age kids who want to learn English?
I definitely think you'll get there, keep at it.

I find it hard to teach my DS my language. Life takes over

Hmm, you might not want to hear this, but I think it probably boils down to motivation at the end of the day. I lived abroad for years and worked very hard to learn the language, mainly through independent study every evening and taking whatever opportunities I could to practise, even though I didn't need the language at work either.

I became proficient in the language a lot more quickly than many people who had been living in the country much longer than I had, including some who had more opportunities to practise than I did, simply because I put more time and effort into it.

I'm not criticising by the way. I get that it's much harder to find the energy when you have young children etc, and I did not have that to contend with. I'm just saying that I think it comes down to the amount of time and energy that you feel able to put into it, and I don't think there are any short cuts. It might be quite reasonable for you not to prioritise language learning at this stage in your lives because you have other things that you want/need to focus on. And that's fine, you just need to recognise that you won't become really proficient in the language without investing the time and effort that you might not currently have.

Are you off on maternity leave? Could you use this time to practise?

Chat to teachers/other parents on the school run.

Take the baby to baby classes/playgroups.

Chat with local mums in the playground.

Try and find some other local mums who would be willing to chat with you (slowly and clearly) to help you.

Could you pay a teacher to come to the house during the day and chat to you/teach you for an hour.

What language is it? Maybe we could suggest some resources?

@AlexaShutUp yes I totally agree. That last bit of energy that I need to put into the language is literally my last bit of energy at the end of the day. I'm at total saturation point once my kids are in bed. I got an A in GCSE French 20 odd years ago and know that I had multiple lessons a week and painstakingly learned off the verb conjugations and vocabulary by heart. I know what it takes to even get to that standard (I'm probably similar level in the new language but with gaps) and I just don't have it. You're totally right in that there are no shortcuts and it's an issue of accepting my current situation. It's just frustrating.

Does the Michel Thomas programme offer your language? I've always struggled with languages but I'm trying to learn my husband's family's language. I saw a recommendation for Michel Thomas on here and tried it and it is really helping even though I probably only do 10 minutes a day.

@NuffSaidSam that's a good idea to meet up with other mums. I guess I feel a bit shy to reach out like this but I need to do something!

@Okeydoky ooh I'll look that up!

Is your older child in an English speaking school or local school? How are they learning the language? Who does their phonics homework with them?

@powershowerforanhour English speaking International school places provided by our employers.

Thanks for your ideas and tips by the way!

I think you need to be patient and give yourself a pat on the back for what you've accomplished already I emigrated 15 years ago and am still learning the language. It takes time, especially if you're not using it much in your daily life.

Commit to speaking the local language only within your home especially as the DC will be at English speaking school/nursery.

I hate to sound negative but I would make plans to move home tbh.

It sounds like you've had a great experience but think long term. I can't imagine being happy living forever in a place I can't speak the language. Yes I know plenty of people do. Call me boring, got no culture, etc, fine.

To me being unable to speak to any one in public, have friends outside work, access any services, deal with tradespeople, go to baby groups, etc, well it isn't the way I'd want to live if there was a good alternative. Also having to study all the time and feeling guilt if you don't is a burden you don't need.

Can you do it as a family? Obviously not the baby but it would be a huge benefit for your children to learn as well if they're in an English school.

Watch local kids tv for pre school kids, watch local tv with English subtitles, write a shopping list and practice asking for the items

I speak german fluently but do remember the stage in the beginning where i understood a lot but was rather reluctant to speak for fear of making mistakes .I learned german without any language course or lessons by listening , listening and listening .Seeing as you have young children you could learn the local language by watching children's programmes on television ,reading children's books.I used to also buy the local newspaper and translate the headlines every day.When your kids go to school do their home work yourself you would be surprised how much grammar you will pick up.Could you get a tandem partner with one of the local mums?

@LimeSegment totally get you. When I have to deal with 'the system' I have moments of wishing I was at home. In all honesty though, there are a lot of drawbacks for us in moving home. The language thing is our only drawback living here. We often talk about how happy we are and sometimes can't believe this is really our life as its so much fun! We both believe that feeling like this is a rare gift and we don't feel ready to abandon our current happiness to go home. We were broke and miserable in the rat race in the UK. We now feel like we are on a full time 'bus man's holiday'. But yes the language barrier makes things more complicated for sure.

I'm sorry I'm not tagging everyone, I am taking note of every reply though! Some really good ideas. I actually never thought about some of these tips!

Is it Italian? I'm in Italy and all the parents I know who don't speak Italian have children at an international school. The problem is that you don't have enough opportunities to speak the language. Could you join a hobby group where you need to interact? If you're in Italy and are near me my son is available for lessons.

I agree with AlexaShutUp to be honest.

Learning a new language to fluency is hard. It’s two-fold really, you have to put the work in to learn the words and the grammar and the “rules”, and then you have to practice it in real life with real people. It takes effort, and you have to put up with feeling bit silly sometimes. If you don’t get much exposure to the language day to day, (and even then tbh) you need to actively work at learning and seek out opportunities to practice.

My husband and I met living abroad, both in English speaking roles. We both took language evening classes, but he ended up stopping because the class was at a slightly inconvenient time, and he was tired after work, and he said he would pick it back up later down the line. I continued the classes and after three years I had improved enough that I was able to make the leap to working for a local company and using quite technical language every day for work. We were there eight years in total, and by the time we left I could speak at a near-native level. He never did go back to the evening classes and never progressed much beyond basic conversation.

There is no magical answer. You either put in the effort and learn the language, or you don’t and you don’t.

You've probably thought of this, but when you do have downtime and have time at the end of the day do you watch TV? I hear a good way to learn a language is to watch a programme, maybe 30 minutes, and try to understand it, then watch it again with English subtitles to fill in the gaps, making notes of the new words and phrases you didn't get first time round.