When did it become socially acceptable to have a baby without being married?

[Lambsandchicks]

1990s? Or before that? Any history/sociology experts around?

@PandemicAtTheDisco

In some parts of society it still isn't completely acceptible. I'm unable to volunteer for certain roles with my church as an unmarried mother.

@PandemicAtTheDisco

Why don't you try out a different church?

This thread made me think of the movie about the Irish teen mother, played by Judi Dench, who was forced to give up her baby boy by the nuns at the “unwed mother convent” (or whatever it was) — who decades later searched for him. I can’t be sure, but I think it’s based on a true story.
I hadn’t thought about the movie in years but it’s quite heartbreaking.
It’s called “Philomena.” I had to google the title, but the story stayed with me.
I’m thrilled times have progressed, changed, if that’s how truly bleak and cruel they were.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

But if we were the same age, why would they be so different?

I'm younger than you, but I remember the 80s and 90s. I lived in semi-rural north Wales, maybe you lived in a big city or knew alternative people. It was more common not to be married in your circle and I'm pretty sure we can check statistics to show that wouldn't have been typical.

In some parts of society it still isn't completely acceptible. I'm unable to volunteer for certain roles with my church as an unmarried mother.

Why would you want to volunteer for something as narrow minded and out of touch as that? I’d give it a very wide birth myself.

DS" (born 1983) had several 3 at school, the same age as him who were living with adoptive parents since infancy. Their birth Mothers were all single and young and from middle and working class backgrounds.
Healthy babies available for adoption are as rare as hens teeth nowadays.

Couples living together was also still risque in the 90s - there was even a comedy about it

It really wasn't. I shacked up with now DH in 1990 and it was a normal, unremarkable thing. Loads of people we knew cohabited, and I knew many in the 80s who did.

Being an 'unmarried couple' isn't quite the same as being a single parent.

I know, I really do, born to an 'unmarried couple' in 1962 myself and after 2 more dc they later got married, then divorced, then remarried.

So, by 2001, I was pretty certain that single parents weren't 'looked down upon' in this century; but actually they still are, and I have been rather 'shocked' by this realization. But it's true.

My granny was raised by a single mother in the 1920's. My great grandfather ran off to the bright lights of the city, never to be seen again. I have a copy of the letter sent to my great-grandmother saying that she could remain in her post as a headmistress provided her husband stayed away

My granny had a much more open minded attitude than my own mother did when I had a child out of wedlock in the 90s

@A580Hojas

I was at primary school in the very late 70s / early 80s. At the beginning of each school year, the teacher would read out your full name, your address and 'head of the household' to the whole class, for each child to confirm.

In my class, only 1 boy and I didn't have a male name as head of household- as we lived with our divorced mothers. It was a source of minor excitement every year.

@DreamTheMoors

This thread made me think of the movie about the Irish teen mother, played by Judi Dench, who was forced to give up her baby boy by the nuns at the “unwed mother convent” (or whatever it was) — who decades later searched for him. I can’t be sure, but I think it’s based on a true story. I hadn’t thought about the movie in years but it’s quite heartbreaking. It’s called “Philomena.” I had to google the title, but the story stayed with me. I’m thrilled times have progressed, changed, if that’s how truly bleak and cruel they were.

I've met the real-life Philomena! I was in a play a few years ago about the Magdalen Laundries, which unmarried mothers were forced into and had their babies taken away from them - I think the last one didn't close till 1990?

She was an amazing woman. Very tall, dressed in very bright colours, looked years younger than her 80-something years. She came backstage when the play finished, gave me a cuddle and thanked me for my performance. I burst into tears and thanked her for coming and for just being an amazing woman and mum.

"It really wasn't. I shacked up with now DH in 1990 and it was a normal, unremarkable thing. Loads of people we knew cohabited, and I knew many in the 80s who did."

I didn't say that nobody did it, just that it was considered risque and very modern and some/many of the older generation would have disapproved.

When I had my son in 87 the midwives referred to me as Mrs even though I was unmarried and at the booking in appointment I was asked if I wanted to speak to someone about adoption but didn't notice any obvious disapproval in our village.

Scottish, early 80s. Mum was told of she didn't get married she was being sent to an unwed mothers home. Got married 3 weeks after I was born (mum kept pregnancy a secret/in denial for quite some time) mum was also forbidden from wearing a white dress. She told me when I had my eldest in 2016 that there was a stigma still and I should have quickly got married. Told her quite clearly there was no stigma and baby was deliberately planned for. She carried such shame around her and still refuses to talk about it at all. So very much depends on area and background you came from.

@SalsaLove

I think it depends on what’s usual in your family and social circle. I remember a colleague in the early 90s having a baby and it was considered shocking. Still today none of my friends or family have children without being married. Not a moral issue so much as people wanting to create a family unit before having a child. It doesn’t mean they won’t get divorced in a few years time.

I think this is definitely true. I look at my own extended family and see it there: one side, all my cousins waited/are waiting until they’re married to have kids. The other side, both aunts & uncles, and then cousins, have had kids without being married so there is precedent in a way.

All of my university friends were married before having kids - a couple were pregnant within 2-3 months of marriage, so very evidently wanted to be married first! Others, especially those I know from secondary school, had kids first and then married, or haven’t married at all yet.

1982 it was a big deal in my family. Serious talk
of DM having me adopted to spare the family shame. She didn’t and she was looked down on a great deal.

According to this graph, from what l can see by 1990 about 25% of children were born out of wedlock. That’s about a quarter?

So not that shocking or unusual.

My mum was the only sibling out of four to get married before having children. My cousins were all born in the 80s and 90s. The ones born to committed cohabiting partners weren't seen as remotely scandalous, but there was some gossip when my aunt had a baby as a single mum after a brief fling with a mildly successful musician.

My (engaged) sister got pregnant in 1989 and my parents were so horrified, they made her bring her wedding (that was already arranged for later in the year) quickly forward.

Around 1980 --- that's when the proportion of births outside marriage really climbed.
See chart here: www.closer.ac.uk/data/percentage-live-births-marriage/

This is the US but still relevant I think: nationalmarriageproject.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/KnotYet-FinalForWeb-041413.pdf

Births outside marriage uk

Keep in mind that it was the Victorians that started this nonsense - prior to that there was an acceptance and a lot of people had “brothers and sisters” who weren’t.

I think the 90s properly, 80s was the transition decade. 70s people did still care, but not to the degree of the 50s/60s.

Seventies. (1970s not 1870s).

Depends on where you are surely. Where I'm from it would only be in the last 10/15 years at most and even now would cause gossip. My mother was married and had several babies from early to late 90s, she said in our small local hospital women were treated noticeably different by the midwives if they were unmarried. She often spoke about when she was in the postnatal ward with my youngest sibling she practically delivered a young 17 year old's baby because the midwives left her sitting in a common area, barely came near her and pretty much just sneered at her when she cried in pain. They wouldn't believe her that the baby was coming and left her for most of her labour with only my mother, a complete stranger, for comfort. Horrible.

A neighbour of ours had a baby in 1995 and she was unmarried. She was the talk of the place for months. She was very much with the father, they later married and had 2 more kids. Another girl fell pregnant at 18, that was around 1998, both sets of parents insisted on a wedding when she was 3 months gone. Tried telling people the baby was premature when he arrived 6 months after the wedding.... Rural communities are very toxic places sometimes.