If you have ADHD or ASD and are thriving at work, what do you do?

[TR888]

My DD11 is currently being assessed. I suspect she has inattentive ADHD because she's so disorganised, but it could also be ASD.

I worry about her. She's only young and obviously she lives at home and has our family to support her. But what will happen when she starts working? She's so messy... I have no idea what job could be good for her.

I sometimes read great stories about neuro diverse mumsnetters who love their jobs and are doing well for themselves. I need those stories now and any advice you can give me !

Thanks x

Thank you again, this is very reassuring. Sometimes it feels impossible to imagine she'll be able to hold down a job or live independently, even though if you'd just met her you'd probably wouldn't think she seems particularly different to other people

She's just been screeching at me for no reason. It's Mother's Day, I'm quite unwell and it just makes me feel so sad. All I want is to go for a gentle walk in the countryside with my family and she's just not having it.

Will this behaviour calm down with age? What was your experience as children with ADHD, ASD? It's so hard as a parent. Did your relationship with your parents change in any way in your adult years? She seems to hate me and her dad most day, the ways she talks to us is appalling - full of hatred and spite. We try to remain calm but sometimes it's hard.

ClockBusCanada hope you don't get too many unpaid invoices in your business. I can see my dd working for free if she freelances. It is hard enough for her to figure out the refund process to return her dress to ASOS so I can imagine a small claims procedure might be challenging.

As I am already dd's 'secretary' to a certain degree whilst she is still in school, I suspect I will be her virtual assistant when she is working. Unfortunately, in my sad life, I seem to be good at chasing down invoices and small bits of money and filing complaints all that sort of thing. So for my sins ...

It is good to know you have a creative business. Many people would not be able to summon the talent or motivation so that is very well done. It is interesting to hear your experience, so thank you.

@TR888 so Hyperactive ADHD is generally considered to improve with age (cause your brain slows down). Not so much for the other 2 types or ASD.

I hope I can reassure you:

• A lot of teenagers go through stages where they have issues with their parents. It’s part of maturing and becoming an adult.
• it’s a really good thing you have a diagnosis/getting one. So the neurodiverse children are more likely to suffer depression/anxiety in teenagers, but the rates are exponentially higher in undiaganosed children, because they have to mask/are made to conform to societal norms. I was not diagnosed till adulthood and ended up with serious anxiety and depression that I had to repeat a year of sixth form.
• one of the best things a parent can do is understand why the child is having an outburst because I think lots of parents get frustrated their child does/doesn’t do something. So the walk today, There are times if someone said to me let’s go for a walk I would rather stick pins in my eyes: if it’s too hot or sunny (I get migraines and sunburn and I physically can’t cope with getting warm), if the pollen is too high (my eyes scratch and my nose runs) etc
• My parents and I definitely get on better when we don’t live together full time. We can both deal with each other in small doses.

@blueshoes

I would say the creative industry is not so different from any other industry.
There are a lot of pros working for an organisation rather than free-lancing, you gain so many skills and contacts and generally learn how the industry works from the inside.
Freelancing is actually much harder if you are ADHD - unless you have that support (body doubling).

I am an artist, a painter so I can't really work for anyone, it's always been self-employment. I do wish I had gone into another branch, maybe restoration, where I would be more accountable for my output, but I know I would have been bored rigid by all the 'rules'.

I enjoy my mix of working, I'm a bit off or on (which is something I assume meds would help with) so I exhaust myself in my paid work and need the downtime in my studio alone (I work from home in a purpose built studio) where I can stick music on and not to talk to anyone for a couple of days during work hours.

I don't mind things like filing tax returns which are fixed non-negotiable because I input incomings/outgoings as they come in, (I now realise I have a lot of organisation strategies to help myself) but there's an awful lot of other jobs which need to be organised including PR which I am terrible at because it doesn't have to happen. This really holds me back and I would love a PA to do this stuff for me. I also only sell through galleries (who take a 50% cut) as I can't do the admin/promotion myself (ADHD) because it bores me so much!

I've sort of made peace which who I am and where I am, in fact I've done very well to support myself and still be in the game with a comfortable life.

I actually think I'm where I should be, but I do have regrets that I could have been medicated and reached higher levels (I did terribly at school, but very very well in Uni as I could do what I wanted when I wanted) but doors were definitely closed off for me due to ADHD.
I'm lucky I have a talent/interest and the opportunity to be able to indulge that.
I also don't think I have any Co morbidities like depression, anxiety, ASD etc which has helped.

OP, our DD is18 now and I have to say the last 2 years have been the hardest to parent.
I’m holding onto the hope that it will get better as she matures; it has put an unbelievable strain on our relationship with her, not to mention stress on our marriage.

I think it appeals to the logical mathematical brains they all appear to have

Male autism maybe logical and mathematical, but the female version isn’t necessarily. Girls are under assessed because their obsessions may be cuddly toys or clothes, so they get overlooked.

Speaking from the experience of an overlooked ASD daughter. Hates coding, dislikes maths. Reads and draws constantly.

I have ADHD (unmedicated) but no ASD. I’m a senior critical care nurse. Everyday is different, it’s challenging, keeps you on your toes and can be very fast paced. When our ICU was under unrecognised demand during the covid surges I could see everything so clearly - it was weird. I could manage those shifts without breaking a sweat. If I hadn’t had DC I’d have probably worked for something like MSF or been a military nurse.

I was an UNBELIEVABLY messy, disorganised and unfocused child. If I was at school today I’m sure I’d have been formally assessed and diagnosed rather having to wait until my 30s when my DC was diagnosed.

I know many many neurodiverse people in the medical profession - especially surgeons.

My friend and her husband both have ASD and work in high level data processing and analysis.

@TR888 - I’ve just read your last post: I had an AWFUL relationship with my mum as a preteen / teen. Really really bad. She was a single mum and I put her through hell. We are hugely close now. We live near each other and I speak to her everyday I’m sure she’d like a break from that tbh

This is my experience, obviously. But I know that my seeing red / rages have definitely almost entirely gone. I think hormones were a big issue in hindsight. I just remember feeling so confused and cross. It all got so much better once I was in my 20s then all made sense when my DC was diagnosed with ADHD.

Really interesting thread. I'm awaiting adhd assessment based on how many of my diagnosed son's traits I recognise in my self.

I work in Comms at a fairly senior level as a "crisis" comms expert. The massive pluses are the creativity, very fast pace of work and the fact every day is different and deadlines are (crazily) tight.

I once had to edit and produce six issues of a magazine per year as part of my role. That didn't go quite so well 😜

WinterCarlisle, your post is really encouraging.
I’m sure DD’s issues are hormone-related, at least in part - she is a mess in the week leading up to AF.
She talks about feeling angry all the time too; it’s as though she’s spoiling for a fight about every tiny thing all the time.

I’m desperate to have a good relationship with her, but she’s like a hissing cobra 99% of the time.

@Alsoplayspiccolo- I absolutely had horrid PMT and can remember this all-encompassing rage. It has improved massively since I had my DC. I still get overwhelmed but I know my trigger points now: being disorganised is one of them so I think I hyperfixate on the daily things. For example, when my DC were little I always had everything on a day out! My friends loved me as I was the go to for snacks, spare clothes, nappies and an extensive first aid kit . I’ve gone from being super messy to being borderline (and I’m NOT minimising here) OCD with my house. This can be useful but it can also stress me out if I can’t keep it how I want. I was ill for several weeks last year following emergency surgery and I absolutely hindered my recovery by doing far too much round the house too soon. Luckily I have a wonderful DH who’s super supportive.

Someone on this thread said their ADHD burned hard and bright but only for about 6 weeks. I’d absolutely agree with that and now that I’m in my late 30s with young kids I really don’t have the same levels of reserve that I had in my pre child 20s. You can def burn out. The positive was I literally was able to work almost constantly during that first covid surge in March 2020 and never get tired!

I keep organised by having a notebook and diary constantly with me and writing almost everything down. DH wants me to do that calendar merge thing on our phones or use excel. My brain can’t even begin to fathom that!

I have bad PMS. I find a magnesium supplement at bedtime helps massively. Sometimes I slack off taking it then I realise my PMS is much worse. Worth a try if she’s willing (I appreciate a grumpy teenager might refuse to take something that might help her!!).

YES! Magnesium is fantastic. We give it to our ADHD 7 year old along with high dose fish oils (all recommended by his paediatrician). I also take magnesium and I do notice a difference.

jobs.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/jobs/

I suspect I have ADD after reading up on the symptoms, dc have ASD and dh has very poor executive function. I work in the voluntary sector as a project manager which suits me. I get bored easily so I like the fast paced nature of my job learning new skills.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I think it appeals to the logical mathematical brains they all appear to have

Male autism maybe logical and mathematical, but the female version isn’t necessarily. Girls are under assessed because their obsessions may be cuddly toys or clothes, so they get overlooked.

Speaking from the experience of an overlooked ASD daughter. Hates coding, dislikes maths. Reads and draws constantly.

My dd 18 is creative too. I suspect she has inattentive ADHD. She has communication issues and currently being assessed. She masks a lot and tries to hide by making herself as invisible as possible. So she does not get the same attention that boys might because they are the opposite and act up.

She is more logical rather than 'talky' and not hyper focused on anything. I asked her whether her brain is 'noisy'. She did not think so.

I get it is a spectrum. I am impressed by posters' accomplishments but can see that many of the 'superpowers' described here do not belong to her. Dd just has to find her niche.

Self employed gardener, tree groundie and dry stone waller, absolutely love it, ASD. Really struggle with dealing with people but most of my customers are lovely. Taken me until my mid 40's to be finally happy doing what I do. Very academic before then, high achieving engineering uni background. Would have been much happier if an apprenticeship was available to me when I was younger, I would have been much happier.

This is a good assessment tool for adult women who think they may have ADD/ADHD. It isn't diagnostic but gives an overview of the various different areas of struggle that someone might have experienced as a child or adult. Any one individual item is fairly insignificant, this scale isn't saying if you tick any of these you have ADHD - it is for the bigger picture of how many areas are impacted and to what degree. I found it to be a useful tool.

adhdrollercoaster.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/SASI.pdf

If she has inattentive ADHD then it means she has issues with dopamine levels in her brain. I couldn’t understand how I could organise an international conference with 1,000 but I can’t seem to keep my kitchen clean. I worked out that at work I was getting dopamine surges and hyper focusing and also compensating for my executive function deficients - I’d make a schedule for a conference that was broken down into 5min slots and included all the suppliers contacts in the same document. People would think I was super organised but the truth is I am very messy.
ADHD people are also often top athletes or in the media / creative industry.

I have combined type ADHD and work in finance. My maths teacher would laugh if she knew as I used to struggle at school and never went to uni. I used to get a for effort and e for attainment apart from ceramics and art.
I worked my way up and now earn an awesome salary. I have told my big boss bit no one else knows. There is still some stigma in some industries. I work in the client facing side and although I need to work out fees etc excel does most of it for me and I can have formulas written down.
My suspect my mum has ocd so u was bought up to be super tidy etc but my desk is always a mess. A cleaner changed my life at home. I have several coping strategies and I get a lot done avoiding the one task I most need to do

At school, the careers questionnaire suggested lollipop lady and an old boss told me to join the army as I had too much energy! No one ever thought I could cope with office life and now I am. Lockdown saved me as now I do work calls whilst walking which helps a lot.
My stepson has adhd and asd and I always say to him as long as he is a productive member of society he should do whatever makes him interested.
I definitely see it as a positive and it explains so much. In the adhd groups I have found my tribe when at school I was horribly bullied.

Will try to keep this brief, as I could go on all day!

I don't have a diagnosis, but kind of self-diagnosed ASD at 23 (1996), as so muchinability to read people, never fitting in, interest in odd thingsresonated so strongly. However, a couple of things don't fit: I don't like routine (will try to find different ways to go between A and B); and I've always struggled with the idea of eg studying just one thing, as 'everything' is interesting to me to an extent. So I suspect ADHD, since I have all the problems with executive function, organisation, procrastination etc.; being extremely sensitive to criticism and having an avoidant personality (again, no diagnosis...yet) have prevented the jumping between jobs that others with ADHD often manifest.

I've been in the civil service for over 20 yearsbest job I ever had there was my 1st, in housing policy. Despite an immediate boss who thought I shouldn't try to get above answering correspondence, I asked for and was allowed to get involved with all sorts of stuffI had a good and busy couple of years when I was helping develop policy, represented the sector's interests cross-departmentally, got involved in various projects... Funnily enough, my executive function then was pretty good: eg I had a regular couple of hours set aside for email sorting every Friday.

That all went to pot in my subsequent jobs. I tried to get more interesting work in each, but was always knocked back. Often there literally wasn't enough to do full stop, and what there was was very tedious. Perhaps because of my ASD tendencies and general lumpen appearance, I wasn't/ haven't been taken seriously: I've always volunteered to do more 'stretching' work, but sometimes it was that the interesting work wasn't there, other times I was t being rejected or not listened to. I was more than once, and to my face, called "weird". Fear of criticism has always stopped me from challenging my management as to why they wouldn't let me do other stuff--fear of not being able to find another job beyond entry-level (am a graduate but was unemployed/ doing call-centre etc. work for 3 years after uni) has stopped me from issuing them or myself an ultimatum.

If I can get past the crippling depression I'm currently suffering with + procrastination, I'd like to study a GIS postgrad and change career. Given my experience, I wouldn't recommend the civil service if you want to be guaranteed interest unless the person goes into a specialist grade eg engineer. Fast-stream seems to give plenty to do, but from what I've seen (and having done the entrance myself) is best suited to extroverts who are obsessed with the utterances of ministers and self-presentation. (It's not so long ago that someone with ASD was told that her difficulties with eye contact and verbal presentation made her unsuitable for the fast stream.) IME the civil service likes to big up 'big D Diversity'ticking discrete boxesbut is not very interested in the myriad of ways that people are subtely different. Certainly IME there is in practice no interest in helping employees find/ be given work that engages them.

Lots of ND people in the engineering companies I’ve worked in. In my segment, it’s pretty much part of the entry criteria.

@blueshoes thank you! I think it's more down to my need to do multiple things at once than anything else. I struggled to cut down what I wanted to do at A-levels after getting As in everything at GCSE, and then after As in all my A-levels I went onto get three different Masters (including quite a specialised area of law that I'm recognised as an expert on - not small claims though haha, fortunately that was a one time thing!) after my undergraduate degree, working 30+ hours a week in paid employment during each. I've never not worked a 7 day week since I got my first part time job at 17 - prior to that I spotted a niche in the market and started a mail order business before I did my GCSEs, for example, and before that I used to challenge myself to write 100,000 words of stories or essays about things that interested me in the summer holidays for 'fun'.

I'd say that's my biggest blessing and curse - I struggle to switch off but thrive on getting things done. I am the proverbial busy person you ask if you need something doing.

I do struggle with following long sequences of spoken instructions - learning to drive was a nightmare even though I passed first time, but watching and copying actions, or reading then following instructions is a once and done, locked in forever type thing.

I am susceptible to scams though, like the guy I had to take to small claims, there were about 20 of us he ripped off in the end, and someone who really messed me around when I was selling my last house which cost me a few thousand pounds as well. I've also had the cocklodger experience, which was not fun, and after nearly 20 years' service I ended up being bullied out of a senior role in the civil service a few years ago, which was a really horrible experience. I think if I had had family support my early career would have been a lot easier, but my DH and my friends are lovely, which helps.

@doggirl

: I don't like routine (will try to find different ways to go between A and B); and I've always struggled with the idea of eg studying just one thing
Neither of these traits are unusual for adhders, perhaps especially females. We like variety which is why you like to find different ways of doing things and the same for studying.

Hi @TR888 I hope the rest of your day went better.

It's really common for neurodiverse teenage girls to struggle a lot. Something like adhd isn't just about being messy, it's about your brain working completely differently, and by this age being conscious that you are different to other people, but not really knowing why - if she's struggling at school socially/academically she's probably feeling like a total failure.

I know it's hard, but really delve into the tools available for parents with neurodiverse children and try and see things from her point of view. It will really help your relationship.

Also, I work in local government. Super fast passed, very varied.