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Original poster

Daughter in tears tonight, turns out she's been sat with a boy all week who is pinching and teasing her 😢

78 replies

TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:24

DD is year 4 and her class has been shuffled around due to staff sickness. I knew she wasn't too happy this week but thought it was more because she's just not really a fan of change. But tonight she was in floods of tears and it turns out she's been sat with the most disruptive boy in the class and every day this week he's been making nasty comments and pinching and her twisting her arms and making out it's just a joke. I asked her if she told him it hurts and she said no. I think she she doesn't want to show him he's upsetting her and then he will stop it. She hasn't said anything to the teacher, probably partly because it's not her normal teacher this week but also I think she's worried she won't be listened to or made to feel like she's just making a fuss. I'm angry because I've known for a while this particular boy behaves like this and nothing seems to ever get done about it. She's potentially got 2 more years with him, and it will only get worse.
It comes as no surprise that they sat DD who is quiet and studious with the most disruptive child in the class in the hope he won't get to cause trouble. But it sounds like all that's happening is that he's just bullying my daughter on the quiet without any of the staff noticing because DD is trying to grin and bare it Sad

I don't want her to be sat with him again tomorrow as she's clearly had enough of it so how do I best approach this in the morning? WWYD? Thanks

OP posts:
Laiste · 24/03/2022 21:29

I would go in with her and not leave until i had spoken to someone capable of stopping it.

No need for shouting ect. She hasn't told anyone so no one knew.

But it wouldn't happen again.

Your poor DD Flowers

Alcoh · 24/03/2022 21:30

And this is exactly why my teenage DD is in an all girls school. People hate them. But this is why. Unacceptable

Laiste · 24/03/2022 21:33

By capable of stopping it i mean capable of moving him away from your DD right then and there and assuring me he wouldn't be placed next to her again. At all.

She would not be going back to class until i had 100% assurance.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:37

Oh no, I wouldn't go in guns blazing. I just want it sorted so she doesn't endure another day of this. I don't blame the teacher as they are stretched to the limit atm and she hasn't told anyone.

I think the main reason I'm angry is because already I'm seeing one or two boys eroding her confidence. Making her more aware of her appearance and what she wears. She's 8 ffs Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:39

@Alcoh I hear you and lately I'm more and more leaning towards her doing 11+ so she can go to the girls grammar school even though that would be hugely more inconvenient than the local college. I'm just so sick of the boys will be boys attitude in schools.

OP posts:
saggyhairyass · 24/03/2022 21:42

I don't know why teachers think sitting a "good" student next to a "disruptive" student. My DD goes to a girls' secondary and they were doing this until I rang the teachers concerned and asked them to stop. She was moved. It doesn't help either child.

De88 · 24/03/2022 21:43

Tell her to kick him in the bollocks as hard as she can. Sorry that's the gut instinct dragon mother in me talking!

I'd ask her if she wants you to together with her teacher in the morning or if she'd prefer you to do it on her behalf. Either way let the teacher know she will not be sitting with this boy again, as of now.

Then work out is it that class teacher you speak with or someone more senior and go from there. Be totally truthful about what you know about this boy and how it's affecting your poor daughter. Bless her. I hope she's OK.

Laiste · 24/03/2022 21:49

@TheUsualChaos

Oh no, I wouldn't go in guns blazing. I just want it sorted so she doesn't endure another day of this. I don't blame the teacher as they are stretched to the limit atm and she hasn't told anyone.

I think the main reason I'm angry is because already I'm seeing one or two boys eroding her confidence. Making her more aware of her appearance and what she wears. She's 8 ffs Angry

Yes, i hear you. I have an 8 year old DD too. (and 3 much older DDs)

Just a couple of days ago i had the good old heart to heart about Not Putting Up With Shit Just Because You're A Girl And People Expect You To Be Good And Accept It All.

I tend to have 'well behaved'' children and yes, they often seemed to get the 'difficult' kids put next to them. I've always told them to put their hand up or stand up and tell the teacher every time the child hurts or keeps trying to distract them.

The upshot is usually that the teacher will move them.

I know they have to sit somewhere and with someone. But not at the expense of my kids education or bruises.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:52

@saggyhairyass (that name! Grin) no, it never bloody works does it! I think it works for the teacher in the sense that the whole class isn't disrupted but at the detriment of the "good" pupil who then becomes the "disruptive" child's only target. She went through a spell of it in year 1&2 with the same boy but obviously when they were younger it was more him just messing about and making silly noises. Now it's become personal and physical. He also uses bad language and makes reference to boobs a lot. Going to be a delight isn't he Hmm

OP posts:
Laiste · 24/03/2022 21:54

TheUsualChaos God i'm sitting here bristling about this on behalf of your poor DD!

Horaceandgus · 24/03/2022 21:54

I had this as a kid-nobody did or said a word as ‘he’s only teasing’

When it happened to my daughter,years later I went in and had a word with the teacher who did nothing but deny there was a problem-she called us both liars to our faces

I ended up going higher and higher up the ladder until I got to the governor’s and threatened to go to the papers

Finally they did move her and the teacher left

It’s shite that girls have to suffer like this through no fault of their own

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:56

@De88 ha yes, my initial thought was pinch him back harder! But probably not the right approach! thank you, yes we will definitely speak to someone first thing. I think it will have to be DH as I need to leave for week too early but I will be prepping him with exactly what to say! We have just had a chat about how he needs to understand how hard it can be for girls to stand up for themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:56

*work

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 24/03/2022 22:01

@Alcoh

And this is exactly why my teenage DD is in an all girls school. People hate them. But this is why. Unacceptable
Is it only boys that misbehave then 🙄
YoComoManzanas · 24/03/2022 22:03

Sadly your dh would probably get much further traction with this than you as a meer annoying mum. Good luck.
I was sat next to the naughty boy in y1 for talking too much and forever more my school reports said YoComo needs to speak up more in class. Shattered my confidence and could have been dealt with much more kindly.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 22:03

Exactly this. I want her to know she doesn't have to put up with this from anyone. Would a boy sit there and not say anything, probably not unless they were extremely shy. But girls have to behave and not make a fuss Angry

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 24/03/2022 22:04

Yet more sexist comments!

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 22:06

Sorry that was in response to @Laiste. I never seem to be able to do quotes 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
BirdOnTheWire · 24/03/2022 22:09

my initial thought was pinch him back harder!

I told my DC never to hit back.
It's not just boys, it's badly behaved, spiteful children of either sex.

This happened to DS in y6. A girl made his life a misery, pinching, punching and tripping him up. He came home with bruises day after day.
He refused to retaliate but told the teacher. Nothing happened. I spoke to the teacher who was aware of it and promised to act, but the girl persisted whenever teacher wasn't looking.
Eventually I said DS had my permission to pinch her back. She never did it again.

phizog · 24/03/2022 22:10

@TheUsualChaos

Oh no, I wouldn't go in guns blazing. I just want it sorted so she doesn't endure another day of this. I don't blame the teacher as they are stretched to the limit atm and she hasn't told anyone.

I think the main reason I'm angry is because already I'm seeing one or two boys eroding her confidence. Making her more aware of her appearance and what she wears. She's 8 ffs Angry

I really think this is a good time to show your DD how to stand up for herself. Boys don't magically vanish from the world, and there will also be girls who are bullies. If you can show her how to firmly tell him no, shout at him to stop - she will feel empowered. When I was 8, I had a boy too who tormented me, pulling my hair, calling me names - I insulted him back and punched him. He never did it again, with anyone. I still remember it because it's the first time I realised I had the power to stop someone mistreating me (granted violence is not the best answer). My dad always taught me to stand up for myself (grew up in a very patriarchal country and was very bookish too so this mattered - I'd have been bullied to death otherwise), even if he did have to step in eventually, and it's the best thing he did. Because bullies in secondary school didn't faze me and I'm very comfortable being assertive as an adult especially with twatty men.
Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 22:10

@Horaceandgus that must have been so disappointing but what a great example to show DD you weren't going to accept it.

OP posts:
BirdOnTheWire · 24/03/2022 22:10

@TheUsualChaos

Exactly this. I want her to know she doesn't have to put up with this from anyone. Would a boy sit there and not say anything, probably not unless they were extremely shy. But girls have to behave and not make a fuss Angry
Sexist rubbish!
Fridgeorflight · 24/03/2022 22:11

It's worth making a fuss and making sure your DD knows that she doesn't have to tolerate this. There is one child in my DD's class who will poke her or stroke her if she's sat next to him. He doesn't have additional needs, just likes to test boundaries and push buttons. If he does it, she knows to ask him not to and, if it continues, to raise it with the teacher and ask to move away. If it happens when it isn't their usual teacher then I follow up by email, making it clear that I don't think she should be touched without consent.

A robust approach (from her at school, me following up), means she pretty much never sits next to him as it only causes hassle for the teacher. I think it's a case of the squeaky wheel gets the oil. I doubt it's just her who he does it to, so the problem is probably just moved onto other children who aren't as vocal/don't have parents who are as vocal. Probably not fair, but she's my only DC in that class, so she's the one I am teaching to be assertive and the one I care most about in that situation.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 22:16

@BirdOnTheWire of course it's not just boys that bully. Girls can be absolutely awful and I was bullied by girls when I was aged 11/12. But this is about my DD and so far in her 8 years she has only ever been picked on by boys so as a parent that's what I'm seeing and worrying about so far. The boys in question do not do these things to the boys in the class. They pick on the girls.

OP posts:
AuditAngel · 24/03/2022 22:16

Be loud in your disagreement about this. DD2 put up with 5 months of this, not telling me what was happening. I only found out when another child broke down and told her mum.

Teacher was “too busy” to talk to me, so I asked for a call after school. Call led to a meeting. I pointed out that we wouldn’t accept a colleague treating us like that as an adult (child was calling her fat/ugly/stupid, pinching/rubbing out her work etc) so why should DD be expected to put up with it,

Teacher did move the child, and agreed she wouldn’t have to sit with her again, I remind each teacher of this and when it has happened, I am straight on to them and it is rectified.

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