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Original poster

Daughter in tears tonight, turns out she's been sat with a boy all week who is pinching and teasing her 😢

78 replies

TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 21:24

DD is year 4 and her class has been shuffled around due to staff sickness. I knew she wasn't too happy this week but thought it was more because she's just not really a fan of change. But tonight she was in floods of tears and it turns out she's been sat with the most disruptive boy in the class and every day this week he's been making nasty comments and pinching and her twisting her arms and making out it's just a joke. I asked her if she told him it hurts and she said no. I think she she doesn't want to show him he's upsetting her and then he will stop it. She hasn't said anything to the teacher, probably partly because it's not her normal teacher this week but also I think she's worried she won't be listened to or made to feel like she's just making a fuss. I'm angry because I've known for a while this particular boy behaves like this and nothing seems to ever get done about it. She's potentially got 2 more years with him, and it will only get worse.
It comes as no surprise that they sat DD who is quiet and studious with the most disruptive child in the class in the hope he won't get to cause trouble. But it sounds like all that's happening is that he's just bullying my daughter on the quiet without any of the staff noticing because DD is trying to grin and bare it Sad

I don't want her to be sat with him again tomorrow as she's clearly had enough of it so how do I best approach this in the morning? WWYD? Thanks

OP posts:
Horaceandgus · 24/03/2022 22:16

[quote TheUsualChaos]@Horaceandgus that must have been so disappointing but what a great example to show DD you weren't going to accept it.[/quote]
It was like banging my head against the wall-the teacher called me a liar so did the head of year then the headmistress
The kid in question was known to be a bully-the mother thought he was an angel who’s arse farted sunshine and rainbows-he got a girl pregnant at 15 and last I heard he was a druggie and is now in prison
Pampering his arse as a kid didn’t do him any favours

Okaaaay · 24/03/2022 22:20

Your poor DD. Please go and speak to the teacher (or duty teacher via reception) first thing. It’s just not ok. My daughter had a similar issue in reception. She’s a sweet, caring and quiet child - not one to make a fuss. I (privately) lost my shit when she told me she was being bullied and physically demonstrated to her exactly what to do when someone was doing something she didn’t like (stand up, face them and tell them to stop very loudly and firmly whilst holding her hands up). Her reaction was that she was embarrassed to do that and didn’t want to make a fuss. I explained that was part of the point, to make a fuss and it absolutely clear that the behaviour wasn’t acceptable and was to stop immediately (and to attract help). It’s imperfect but I want her to be loud with people who invade her space in any way. Obviously also prioritising teaching my son boundaries and respect! Good luck tomorrow

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/03/2022 22:22

Disagree. I would go in guns blazing, boy or girl is irrelevant.
Tell them, she’s not sitting with him. End of.
Our son was quiet, studious and gentle and was always sat with the bullies because they thought he would be a calming influence.
We found out three bullies later, after he was chosen by the latest one to join him in a reward session where they played Lego. He was taken out of regular class to do this and no-one thought to ask us. Thankfully, at that point, he told us.

Just, no.

evtheria · 24/03/2022 22:27

Don’t forget to log everything - DDs statements to you, and what teacher says they will do about it.

I remember being sat next to William in reception, and him repeatedly poking me in my side despite me telling him to stop. I then tried putting my hand up to complain but the teacher told me off (for being disruptive??), and she sent me to stand in the corner. 30 years later and still raging.

Katkinsgreyy · 24/03/2022 22:38

How awful for her.
I was very shy as a child and would always get stuck sitting next to the horrid children.

Definitely make a fuss about it. It isn't your daughter's responsibility to be a calming influence on the little prick.

Alcoh · 24/03/2022 22:40

@Strictly1 of course it is not only boys that misbehave. But reading the recent ofsted report on how much sexual harassment girls get at school then yes, I am happy my daughter is at a girls school. Deal with all that shit later (and believe me I am working and see it all) but at least teenage years let the girls learn.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 22:42

@Okaaaay yes that's exactly what DD said when I asked why doesn't tell him it hurts. She doesn't want to draw attention. I said she should loudly say "ow that hurt!" And she said but then everyone will turn round and look at me Sad. I think we need to work on teaching her how to stand up for herself.

OP posts:
mizzo · 24/03/2022 22:43

@Alcoh

And this is exactly why my teenage DD is in an all girls school. People hate them. But this is why. Unacceptable
It's naive to think girls are not capable of this kind of behaviour.
Alcoh · 24/03/2022 22:44

@mizzo of course not. Girls obviously can do it too. But reading latest ofsted report on sexual bullying in schools sorted that out for me quick smart.

AKASammyScrounge · 24/03/2022 22:46

@Alcoh

And this is exactly why my teenage DD is in an all girls school. People hate them. But this is why. Unacceptable
You think there is no bullying in a girl's school? There is. It's just more of insidious.
SirSamVimesCityWatch · 24/03/2022 22:47

I used to be a teacher. Yes, girls are capable of being shits, and are sometimes. But boys do it more often.

Add to that, many schools have boy-girl seating plans as a matter of policy AND that girls are socialised to be quiet and nice and kind, and you have a recipe for boys being nasty little shits to girls with predicable regularity.

I taught in mixed sex and girls only schools. I would love, love, love to send my dds to an all girls school but they don't exist where I live without paying for private, which I can't afford.

Alcoh · 24/03/2022 22:48

Again. I am not saying it isn’t there. But we can wipe this out.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges/review-of-sexual-abuse-in-schools-and-colleges#conclusion

Conclusion
This rapid thematic review has revealed how prevalent sexual harassment and online sexual abuse are for children and young people. It is concerning that for some children, incidents are so commonplace that they see no point in reporting them. This review did not analyse whether the issues are more or less prevalent for different groups of young people, and there may well be differences, but it found that the issues are so widespread that they need addressing for all children and young people. It recommends that schools, colleges and multi-agency partners act as though sexual harassment and online sexual abuse are happening, even when there are no specific reports.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 22:51

@MrsSkylerWhite oh that's such a shame, poor DS. Really think schools need to stop this practice of using the reliable kids to look after the more difficult ones. Yes they have to sit with someone but it shouldn't always be the same "good" kids they use for the job.

OP posts:
Alcoh · 24/03/2022 22:52

@SirSamVimesCityWatch I was PETRIFIED of sending my daughter to an all girls school because of all this shit that girls are horrid to each other. And that may be isolated cases. But my experience and her experience is that this is rubbish. Girls can be lovely with each other.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 24/03/2022 22:53

For all those 'girls can bully girls too' - one rape a day in UK schools. That is a fact, and it's not just in senior schools.

Male violence against females starts really fucking early, and it starts with this low level shit and it builds and builds and builds.

Op, insist that they move your daughter immediately - if they say they were do it later, tell them your are taking her back home and she will return when she has a space in the classroom where she can learn without being repeatedly physically attacked by another pupil. Tell the class teacher you can be contacted by the headteacher by phone.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 24/03/2022 22:54

[quote Alcoh]@SirSamVimesCityWatch I was PETRIFIED of sending my daughter to an all girls school because of all this shit that girls are horrid to each other. And that may be isolated cases. But my experience and her experience is that this is rubbish. Girls can be lovely with each other.[/quote]
Best four years of my career in the all girls school, they were so lovely to each other and to staff.

Alcoh · 24/03/2022 22:56

@SirSamVimesCityWatch my and my daughters experience too :-) We need to stop this girl on girl bitch narrative.

Alcoh · 24/03/2022 23:02

And by the way. My daughter is happy. Has lovely girlfriends. And is focussed on learning. Maths. Science. Textiles. My son is at a mixed school because I think boys do better with girls around. Sorry but them’s my feminist views.

Pinkyxx · 24/03/2022 23:02

Similar happened to my DD in primary school, unfortunately. She's very petite and struggled to fend the boys off - it was just awful for her. She hates attention being drawn to her, and was freakishly scared of getting in trouble (she'd been told off so many times for ''complaining about nothing' / being disruptive' / attention seeking''. Took a lot of work to get her to stand up for herself in this kind of environment but that's what I worked on. Mid-way through year 5 in extreme frustration she lashed out verbally & physically, screaming ''don't touch me'' coupled with kicking the boy in the shins with her boot toe (winter boot, thick hard 1/2 an inch sole...). He cried and ran to the teacher. She was punished but it was the start of things turning round for her in that they were less inclined to pick on her. She took a big risk when she's so little compared to the boys, but they pushed her to the point she was raging inside so much she snapped. All very sad that it had to come to that.

She's in an all girls school now, and while girls indeed have the capability to be nasty / badly behaved / bully - it is nothing like what it was in a mixed sex school. The dynamics of it are totally different and it's not generally physical. Best decision I ever made.

Blossom64265 · 24/03/2022 23:07

I would send an email tonight and let the teacher know there is a problem. Then I would go in with her in the morning, confirm the teacher has seen the email and dd is no longer sitting next to this child.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 23:07

@SirSamVimesCityWatch

I used to be a teacher. Yes, girls are capable of being shits, and are sometimes. But boys do it more often.

Add to that, many schools have boy-girl seating plans as a matter of policy AND that girls are socialised to be quiet and nice and kind, and you have a recipe for boys being nasty little shits to girls with predicable regularity.

I taught in mixed sex and girls only schools. I would love, love, love to send my dds to an all girls school but they don't exist where I live without paying for private, which I can't afford.

@SirSamVimesCityWatch thank you, you have very eloquently summarised exactly how I feel about this. Also, interesting to have a teachers perspective. Unfortunately, the reality in most school settings is that boys tend to get a higher threshold for bad behaviour than girls because girls are expected to be quieter and it doesn't do either sex any favours at all.
OP posts:
RogueBorg · 24/03/2022 23:09

@Alcoh I was horribly bullied at my all girls’ school, almost to the point of suicide 🤷‍♀️.

I’m a feminist but let’s not pretend it’s a bed of roses for all girls.

Alcoh · 24/03/2022 23:20

@RogueBorg honestly I am not. And massive sympathy. That is awful.

Original poster
TheUsualChaos · 24/03/2022 23:35

Also agree that this type of thing is where it starts off. Pushing the boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. Inevitably it becomes more sexualised as puberty kicks in. I already mentioned this boy jokes about boobs a lot. When they did lessons on puberty and talked about periods he was saying how gross it was. And right there we have the start of period shaming.
DD is very tall and apparently he has even picked on that too this week, it all came out this evening. God I would love to have her height but already she has been saying she wishes she was shorter and now I know why. I mean ffs!! Angry

Tomorrow we will make sure she isn't sat with him again but going forward I need to think about how we teach her not to put up bullying/harassment from boys or girls. My heart breaks to think she's been sat there all week thinking she has to keep quiet and try to ignore him and not draw any attention to it Sad

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 24/03/2022 23:37

@evtheria

Don’t forget to log everything - DDs statements to you, and what teacher says they will do about it.

I remember being sat next to William in reception, and him repeatedly poking me in my side despite me telling him to stop. I then tried putting my hand up to complain but the teacher told me off (for being disruptive??), and she sent me to stand in the corner. 30 years later and still raging.

30 years later and still raging - tickled me that did! I’d still be raging too!