I cannot cope with the crying anymore

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

2 kids. 3.5 and 1.5. Both are utterly attached to me. They are fine for childcare but the meltdowns they have when DH looks after them is ridiculous. I'm a teacher and I'm doing parents eve from home tonight. I'm trying to do it over hysterical crying as DH battles to get them ready for bed. DS was in such a state, then trying to clean his teeth he whacks his face on the basin. Bedtime was a shouting, chaotic, stressful horrible time.

He has not slept unless I've been in with him for at least some of the time for the past 2 nights.

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of the tears if I'm not with them all the time.

My utter sympathy. It's hell over here too.

Honestly we sometimes resort to bribery - if you go to bed without crying then you will get a smartie in the morning.

How is DH as a dad? Calm and collected? Fun dad? Shouty dad?

Sounds like you need to sleep train them. They should be able to sleep and self settle by their ages.

Your h must feel pretty useless. What's he like with them?

Those ages are emotional and dramatic, well they were for my kids. It's really hard and it's awful when there's lots of screaming and sobbing every time Daddy tries to take over just because they'd rather have you. It's draining. Playing music at bathtime and audiobook stories at bedtime help mine stay calm. I think if DH gets stressed they pick up on it and get more stressed too. Hope the rest of your parents evening goes ok. They will get older and incrementally more reasonable and able to talk about their feelings instead of having a tantrum. In the mean time just take time when you can to do something for yourself because you will burn out if you never get a break. Whatever it takes, your mental health matters.

You and DH need to say to them:

Mummy is working. Daddy is doing bedtime tonight. Now let’s get you bathed then have a nice story.

You need to get them more used to him dealing with them.

Agree with you DH that after this there will be planned times when you won’t be around.

It’s not your fault, but seriously they will just have to get used to it.

In the short term, can you do the parents' evenings from school or a friend's house? I have done a few with the home office door locked, finger over the mute button and ignored all shouting and banging.

It would be reasonable for school to provide facilities - mine does.

One word=calpol

Don't give into it. They'll get used to him if you do it more often.

It’s like that here too, toddler is happy for daddy to do bedtime but would prefer me, but baby DC will only have me at bedtime, so if I do toddlers bedtime poor DH has to deal with the baby going ballistic until I’m done!

Both sleep trained. DS needing me at night has literally happened in the last 48 hours.

Thought DS would actually make himself sick. He would not go to bed for DH, he was screaming his head off.

I should have stayed in school but I wanted to see them. Dunno why.

Really starting to feel low about it all. Not helped by ridiculous early waking.

I'm sorry. Sounds really tough. 💐

If you're out of the house do they still want you? Or are they calmer?

This sounds like utter hell, your poor husband must feel crap!
They need to learn that they can’t howl to get mum to do what they want. Make sure he has set tasks that he ‘always’ does for the time being and they can scream until they are blue in the fave and throwing up, mum won’t give in. They will soon get the message. The older one may respond ti reward charts for good behavior too.
In the short term, I agree with PP over asking school if you can conduct PE from your classroom or another suitable place onsite.

No advice, but solidarity. My 16 months old DS only accepts me, will scream and sob his little heart out if DH needs to look after him for a day/evening if I am working out of normal hours. He is fine in nursery and goes 5 days a week. It's just with DH he is inconsolable. I am hoping it will get better, but it has been 6 months since I went back to work, and no improvement so far.

Oh, and when I have to work it's usually outside home, so I can't step in. But every single time both DH and DS end up in a wound up mess.

Does your DH spend any 1-1 quality time with them?

I could have done PE at school but stupidly I wanted to come home!

They are calmer outside - that's fine. But now even in the mornings DS used to go down with DH to get breakfast while I got myself ready for work. He won't do that now, he refuses to leave my side.

I feel so suffocated. DS started the day at 4am today. I managed to get him back to sleep at 4.50 and slept next to him til he woke at 5.45.

I honestly feel broken. I'm dreading the easter holidays. Work is my only easy time.

I've found scaffolding time baby spends with DH the better they both are. The more time spent with DH the less clingy they are. Build it up gradually over a fortnight, hour one day, 2 the next, then 3, then 4, then 5 etc etc, but DH must try his utmost best to do everything EXACTLY how you do things for their familiarity and reassurance. Once DH accepted this he realised life is so much easier for everyone involved.

Yes DH sounds one to one time with them. He's had them both today and yesterday and it was fine.

Is DS the baby or toddler? Have you asked why he's not happy going to daddy?

DS is 3.5. No idea- just says 'no I want mummy to do it'.

Aw, he's maybe unwell and can't vocalise it yet.

Keep repeating. This too shall pass.

And as PP said, bribery is your friend here.

If you know that they struggle when you are around but need to work, then you owe it to them to make it easier and stay at work. It's not fair for you to try and work from home because you want to see them, but then have to work away from them causing more upset.

Please make a regular arrangement with dh that you will purposefully leave him to it on set days every single week, and stick to it.

2bh it didn't even occur to me to stay at work because I thought DS would totally flip out if DH did bedtime. Saying I owe it to them to stay out is a bit harsh I think.

He has a rash round his face so he's def not 100% but this clingyness isn't just the last few days.

Big huge hugs, you deserve a LARGE glass of wine!! Don't worry too much the kids won't remember, but I'm sure you will.

I work from home with mine here once a week every couple of weeks and it's always chaos, thank god for the microphone mute on teams!!

Mine are 2&4 and exactly the same.
Message me if you'd ever like to rant or compare notes ❤️

I feel you. I have a 3.5yo and a 22month old who Just. Want.Me. All. The.Time. And have done for a good 6months. I also have a 12week old who also (obvs) want/needs me all the time and it’s suffocating. My husband is a great parent and dad but generally I just do stuff as it’s easier because otherwise the tantrums and screaming of “I want mummy to do it” start. I understand why it’s happening but it doesn’t make it any easier! Last week there were lots of tears (mainly from me!) as I couldn’t even have a 2min shower without my 3yo wanting to watch or standing screaming outside the locked bathroom door. It’s exhausting.