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Original poster

I want another DC but DH doesn't.

55 replies

ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 22/03/2022 21:16

First off, DH has a son with his ex who is a teenager and has always had 50/50 contact and I have a fantastic relationship with him and his mum.

DH and I have been married 3 years and we have a DD who is 16 months. Before we tried for our daughter, he was always clear in saying if I wanted a baby then fine and again fine if I didn't. I did say from the start I'd probably only want one.

In the last few months, I've realised I would love to have another baby. However, DH is adamant he does not.

I can't help but feel a bit crap about it that I no longer have a choice if I want to have another baby or not as DH has said he feels too told to have another baby (he's 37, I'm 34).

Financially we could afford another baby and we have room at home for another without SS and DD having to move rooms etc.

DH and I have a wonderful marriage, no issues or anything but this is the only thing we are disagreeing on.

Not sure what we can do :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 22/03/2022 22:52

Bump

OP posts:
Qwill · 22/03/2022 22:56

What’s more important? Having your current family, or leaving to have a second baby? At 34 it’s completely viable to find someone else and raising another family.

drpet49 · 22/03/2022 22:57

I couldn’t split my family up because I wanted another child. How selfish

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Original poster
ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 23/03/2022 00:05

I have no intention of splitting my family up.

OP posts:
NessieMcNessface · 23/03/2022 02:41

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion. Your husband knows the joy of having two children but is only allowing you to have the one. I would find this very difficult to accept, but if you want to continue your relationship I cannot advise you in relation to how you should proceed other than continued discussion. I would have hoped he would relent if he sees the sense of loss you are experiencing and the distress that this is causing you.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 03:10

All you can do is discuss it with him. Explain how you feel etc.

If he is steadfast though, you will have to accept his answer. No one should be pressured into having a child if they don’t want one. Though I recognise that might be painful for you.

MinnieMountain · 23/03/2022 06:59

It’s not selfish to “deny” your child a sibling. The happiness of your child is down to parenting, not having a sibling or not IMHO.

All you can do it talk through how you both feel. Ultimately the person who doesn’t want a child has the final say.

Chocomelon · 23/03/2022 07:03

I worry we may have a similar situation OP as my DH has two children (my step DC) and we have one DC together. I may want another DC but he has said he wouldn't want another partly because of his age and partly due to other things we've both been through together. I consider this selfish because he was older than me and I have effectively parented / step parented his DC for years but he has decided I cannot have another (unless I leave) so I am hoping I don't want another one when the time comes (my DC is under one).

Chocomelon · 23/03/2022 07:03

I also worry about DC being an only child.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 08:52

I find the references to people being “selfish” for choosing not to have another child shocking.

Obviously couples should make big decisions together and compromise where possible. However no one should pressure/force/coerce another person into having a child they don’t want….even if you’re their partner.

JudyGemstone · 23/03/2022 08:56

You could say to him that you’re no longer taking responsibility for contraception, and that it’s now up to him to use condoms/get a vasectomy/take care of it.

I think that would be entirely reasonable, why should you have to take the pill etc when it’s not you that wants to prevent a pregnancy.

spacehardware · 23/03/2022 08:56

If he doesn't want another child, then you can't have one - with him. If you aren't prepared to leave him (not saying you should) then that's that.

You can't compromise on having a child, you either have one or you don't.

I wouldn't rock the boat in a happy marriage over something like this, especially when the impact could be huge. What if the child I disabled? What if you are horrifically injured by the birth and end up incontinent? Yes those things are unlikely, but they could happen.

And definitely don't get pregnant "by accident".

spacehardware · 23/03/2022 08:57

All those saying the OP's daughter is being denied a sibling - she has one

BrokenRecords · 23/03/2022 09:02

He has two children, you have 1. He has no argument

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 23/03/2022 09:09

@BrokenRecords

He has two children, you have 1. He has no argument
He doesn't want another one. So yeah there is no argument as he doesn't owe OP another child. No one should be forced to have another child when they don't want one, that would be so selfish.
spacehardware · 23/03/2022 09:13

Well if they have another child, he will have 3, and she will have 2. And so on into infinity

Kingharoldshairstyle · 23/03/2022 09:16

@NessieMcNessface

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion. Your husband knows the joy of having two children but is only allowing you to have the one. I would find this very difficult to accept, but if you want to continue your relationship I cannot advise you in relation to how you should proceed other than continued discussion. I would have hoped he would relent if he sees the sense of loss you are experiencing and the distress that this is causing you.
This is shocking. I have no words.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 09:22

@NessieMcNessface

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion. Your husband knows the joy of having two children but is only allowing you to have the one. I would find this very difficult to accept, but if you want to continue your relationship I cannot advise you in relation to how you should proceed other than continued discussion. I would have hoped he would relent if he sees the sense of loss you are experiencing and the distress that this is causing you.
Bullshit.
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/03/2022 09:23

BrokenRecords

He has two children, you have 1. He has no argument“

He doesn’t need an “argument”. He doesn’t want another child. OP needs to decide what her priority is.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 09:24

@BrokenRecords

He has two children, you have 1. He has no argument
Yes he does. OP knew he had a child when they got together. He was ambivalent about having another child, and went along with it because OP wanted it. She knew all this. He's entitled not to want any more.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 09:26

@Chocomelon

I also worry about DC being an only child.
Again, bullshit. There's nothing wrong with being an only, I am one and I'm fine.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/03/2022 09:28

@Chocomelon

I worry we may have a similar situation OP as my DH has two children (my step DC) and we have one DC together. I may want another DC but he has said he wouldn't want another partly because of his age and partly due to other things we've both been through together. I consider this selfish because he was older than me and I have effectively parented / step parented his DC for years but he has decided I cannot have another (unless I leave) so I am hoping I don't want another one when the time comes (my DC is under one).
It's not selfish. You chose to marry an older man who had kids already. You should have considered this possibility.
Piggy42 · 23/03/2022 09:31

Unfortunately with no way of compromising I think the wish for none trumps the wish for one. I’m sorry though it must be very hard OP

RampantIvy · 23/03/2022 09:32

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion.

What utter nonsense!
To force another child on someone who doesn't want one is far more selfish.

Hugsgalore · 23/03/2022 09:34

@Chocomelon

I also worry about DC being an only child.
Your dc isn't an only child. He/she has siblings.