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Original poster

I want another DC but DH doesn't.

55 replies

ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 22/03/2022 21:16

First off, DH has a son with his ex who is a teenager and has always had 50/50 contact and I have a fantastic relationship with him and his mum.

DH and I have been married 3 years and we have a DD who is 16 months. Before we tried for our daughter, he was always clear in saying if I wanted a baby then fine and again fine if I didn't. I did say from the start I'd probably only want one.

In the last few months, I've realised I would love to have another baby. However, DH is adamant he does not.

I can't help but feel a bit crap about it that I no longer have a choice if I want to have another baby or not as DH has said he feels too told to have another baby (he's 37, I'm 34).

Financially we could afford another baby and we have room at home for another without SS and DD having to move rooms etc.

DH and I have a wonderful marriage, no issues or anything but this is the only thing we are disagreeing on.

Not sure what we can do :(

OP posts:
pinkprettyroses · 23/03/2022 09:38

Your options are:

  • discuss with him how you feel but prepare to be disappointed by his response.
  • accept that he doesn't want another child and focus on the one you have.
  • leave the relationship and find someone who wants a child.
Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere · 23/03/2022 09:39

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion

How very odd. How many babies is someone owed? How many siblings? Would it be selfish to say yes to 4 and no to the 5th?

Unfortunately you're going to have to accept it. A baby deserves to be loved and wanted by both parents.

hoorayandupsherises · 23/03/2022 09:40

There is no compromise on this issue, a child should be wanted by both parents. But it's totally valid to feel sad about it. Would it help you to talk things through with a counsellor?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 09:42

He wasn't bothered about a second child - the ball was in your court. He doesn't want a third. I completely get it. There's nothing you can do really.

Pyewhacket · 23/03/2022 09:57

@RampantIvy

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion.

What utter nonsense!
To force another child on someone who doesn't want one is far more selfish.

Jeeze, can you imagine having to go through all the shit and hassle of bringing-up a child, that you never wanted in the first place !. And your partner knowing that.
Bdhntbis · 23/03/2022 10:03

Ah that’s really tricky; my DH also has an older child and when we came to talking about having a second child together he was happy to just keep to our one or have another and I’d have felt the same if he didn’t want more. I don’t think there’s an easy answer as neither of you are in the wrong

whitecreambluejug · 23/03/2022 10:23

@girlmom21

He wasn't bothered about a second child - the ball was in your court. He doesn't want a third. I completely get it. There's nothing you can do really.
Sorry OP. I really feel for you. But this sums it up.

.

DoubleGauze · 23/03/2022 10:29

The person saying no gets the final say. If it was the other way around and he was posting about wanting another baby he'd be told this.

Same goes for you.

I get that it feels shit , but you can force a person to change their mind.

DoubleGauze · 23/03/2022 10:30

*can't

JorisBonson · 23/03/2022 10:33

The responses on here are shocking. Why are his choices not as valid as OP's?

OP, neither of you is BU. As PP's have said, your next step is up to you.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/03/2022 10:36

Weird responses on this thread. Neither of you are being U but unfortunately it's a no-compromise situation.

Anyone is allowed to change their minds about children any time. It seems that your best bet is to make peace with your situation and enjoy your child and step child.

sleepyhoglet · 23/03/2022 10:38

Give it time. Your baby is still young. Many people do think about a second at that age but I wasn't ready until DD was 5! I thought we would only have one

Chocomelon · 23/03/2022 10:38

I think it just seems selfish to effectively limit your partner to one child when you have more. Eg my DP knew I didn't have children and wanted some as well as I knew he has two when we married. Our situation is a bit different as we had two together but one passed away.

2anddone · 23/03/2022 10:44

Can you guarantee you will never split up? When my marriage was good we talked about having a 3rd child and xh didn't want one so we didn't...if I knew he would cheat on me and our marriage would have fallen apart by the time my dc were 4 I would have pushed for the 3rd child I wanted as ended up raising them alone anyway as he has no interest!

Kingharoldshairstyle · 23/03/2022 10:44

I think it’s selfish to try to force someone to have a child when they don’t want to.

grapewines · 23/03/2022 10:53

What's selfish is trying to force someone to have a child they don't want. If you do that, what kind of marriage is it? You knew this going in anyway.

If I were him I'd take steps to ensure I couldn't have any more children. That's his choice. Whether you can live with it is yours.

seashellsunderthesand · 23/03/2022 10:58

@JorisBonson

The responses on here are shocking. Why are his choices not as valid as OP's?

OP, neither of you is BU. As PP's have said, your next step is up to you.

His choices save a baby being brought into the world with a reluctant father. Her choices mean a child would have to endure the consequences of having a reluctant father. His choices mean she has to accept the situation or leave and find a willing father. Her choices mean he would have to raise a child he didn't want. Personally I think it's the adult who should bear the brunt of the compromise, rather that the children involved, and that includes splitting up a child's family, with the sole aim of having another child, but I appreciate that's just my opinion.
twinsetandpearl · 23/03/2022 11:00

Who pays for the child you currently have? You say you "financially" can afford it but if you are a STAHM or the lower earner you aren't really in a position to confirm or deny that point
?

FWIW im the main earner by 3x DH. I had to go back to work when children were 20 weeks. I do the bulk of the life admin (all though I hate that term) so when/if it comes to deciding about having more children my opinion Holds the greatest weight

girlmom21 · 23/03/2022 11:11

@twinsetandpearl

Who pays for the child you currently have? You say you "financially" can afford it but if you are a STAHM or the lower earner you aren't really in a position to confirm or deny that point ?

FWIW im the main earner by 3x DH. I had to go back to work when children were 20 weeks. I do the bulk of the life admin (all though I hate that term) so when/if it comes to deciding about having more children my opinion Holds the greatest weight

It's pretty clear you're the higher earner with this attitude.

If OP is a SAHP that'll be because they made a joint decision for their family.

Being a higher earner doesn't mean you get more of a say. Being the main parent would.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 11:21

Have to laugh a little at the people who naively say "they already have a sibling" whenever the only child question comes up with a step child is involved. Maybe in some cases it would feel that way day to day, such as majority care or 50:50 scenarios. But I have a DD, and a DSS who comes EOW, sometimes less when he decides he doesn't want to (to DDs disappointment), and whilst it is more like having a sibling than someone who is completely an only child... it is nothing like growing up with a sibling there full time. 90% of DDs time is spent as an only child.

I think with SC involved there is a lot of potential for resentment if it's the parent with that child who vetoes having another, so it's important to be clear. Before having DD I was clear with my partner that I didn't know if I would want one child or two (I was confident I wouldn't want more than that), but I did not want the option to be ruled out due to DSS and DP potentially already feeling he has enough. He agreed to that, and I'm pregnant with DC2 now.

It's a difficult situation when you haven't established that kind of clarity. Nobody is in the wrong exactly but I do think there is something a bit off about expecting your partner to go without when you have more. It's not wrong, it's just a bit unkind, it would have been better of him to have been clear with you from the start that he would not want more.

There's not much you can do OP other than continue the conversation, and prepare yourself for not having any more if the family set up you have now is more important to you.

Dozycuntlaters · 23/03/2022 11:30

I know a few couples where the woman wanted baby number 2 and the husband didn't but gave in . None of these are together now. I was desperate for a second baby but my husband didn't want any more, so we stayed with one. My son is fine being an only, he can't miss what he's never had.

There is no right or wrong OP and as you aren't prepared to split up your family then I guess you have to find peace and acceptance with just having one child. That's far better than bringing someone into the world with a reluctant parent.

Whatinthelord · 23/03/2022 12:12

2 observations about the comments here…

  1. I find the concept of ‘fairness’ in this scenario really odd. Why, because he already has 2 children, is it his responsibility to enable you to have 2 too? It’s not his fault you didn’t also have a child prior to your relationship. The only truly way for reproduction to be ‘fair’ in my eyes is for each person to have control over their own reproduction.

  2. the idea that this is for the current child, to prevent them being an only child, doesn’t sit right with me. This appears to be much more about the mothers needs/wants. In reality she isn’t balancing her child being an only child against her child having a sibling. She’s balancing having an only child with providing her child with a sibling by manipulating and pressuring that child parent into having a child when they don’t want to. I know which I think will be ultimately more damaging for the child,

Original poster
ItsMeRhondaFromPS129 · 23/03/2022 12:36

Wow some shocking comments here. I don't think DH and I are being selfish at all.

As PP has suggested, I may well change my mind and I think it may be worth while to perhaps speak to someone about this.

I do like the suggestion of contraception should be up to my DH haha!!! But no, I'd never have an accidental pregnancy IYSWIM.

The comment about child possibly being disabled or I have complications has made me think though.

FWIW, my DH was an only child and he has turned out fine. I have an older sibling and we're not close...

OP posts:
flamingbrain · 23/03/2022 13:06

@NessieMcNessface

To deny you a second child and your daughter a sibling is selfish in my opinion. Your husband knows the joy of having two children but is only allowing you to have the one. I would find this very difficult to accept, but if you want to continue your relationship I cannot advise you in relation to how you should proceed other than continued discussion. I would have hoped he would relent if he sees the sense of loss you are experiencing and the distress that this is causing you.

So a person should just shut up and procreate at the request of someone else despite their reservations?
Appalling comment and paves the way for potential disaster - not just for the adults involved but for said child who MAY pick up on the resentment.

aSofaNearYou · 23/03/2022 13:26

the idea that this is for the current child, to prevent them being an only child, doesn’t sit right with me. This appears to be much more about the mothers needs/wants. In reality she isn’t balancing her child being an only child against her child having a sibling. She’s balancing having an only child with providing her child with a sibling by manipulating and pressuring that child parent into having a child when they don’t want to. I know which I think will be ultimately more damaging for the child

Wanting a sibling for your child is a perfectly valid reason to want another. It's the main reason I want another - I don't miss the baby stage and found it very hard so it's not for me. Equally feeling your child doesn't need a sibling is perfectly valid, but that doesn't mean that everyone that lists this as a reason they want another is making it up.