Friend left out - worried about their disappointment

[kimberleyjess]

One of the families in our friendship group at primary school has organised a weekend away next year, partly for a birthday but also just to have a fun weekend away. It was an invite to some families 'we're doing xxx. We'd love you to join'. The parents going share an outdoors hobby which we can do there, and the suggested venue only has a certain number of beds, so that was pretty much that.

Another couple - also in the friendship group - had talked about us all doing a weekend away at some point but haven't been included. The organiser knew about this as they'd both discussed it a bit, and even talked about organising it together at some point. I know they're going to feel massively hurt, and would probably have assumed that if anything was ever organised that they would have been included. I know how I would feel if I was in that position. I would think 'oh all my mates have gone off on a jolly and I've been excluded'. I wouldn't care about the hobby bit (this couple aren't involved in the hobby) ...it would just feel rubbish.

It's not my business to say anything to anyone but its making me feel anxious. They will find out, for sure

Why would they leave this family out? Are they equally close as you all are?

Personally, if I suspected game playing and nastiness, I would not attend.

If it's more that the couple who don't do the hobby weren't included due to the lack of beds, I'd probably see them personally and suggest organising the next weekend away with them to let them know you're not hating them.

Ugh that’s hugely awkward. Imagine if you were the couple left out.

If there is a group chat I would be tempted to say ‘it doesn’t seem okay that x & x aren’t invited - can we all look for a bigger accommodation?’ Etc.

It’s lame (& unkind) to leave them out.

It’s pretty horrible that they are left out. I wouldn’t be able to get past it if it were me

I think it is genuinely the hobby and the number of beds. They maybe are a tiny bit more peripheral but there are no bad feelings anywhere.

I think the main problem is that they will mentally link the proposed trip and actual trip (and rightly so) and feel really crap; whereas the organiser doesn't see any link between the two due to this outdoor hobby now being included. Not sure if that makes sense!

I think it's been handled clumsily.

It does seem really unkind to leave just one couple out. I think I would say something too. Even if there was one bedroom short, it means that she chose that couple as being less important. That is bound to hurt.

Speaking as a person who this has happened to, yes it is completely shit, it’s left me questioning everything about friendships that I thought I had, and very confused about what I did to make people dislike me so much.

The only slight solace is that I can now see it playing out with other people being left out, because someone willing to do this to one person will undoubtably do it to others in the future.

Why can’t they pick accommodation big enough for everyone?

I’d just say outright to the organisers, ‘oh xyz haven’t been invited? They were talking about a similar trip, I’d like to invite them’

Offer to help find more suitable accomodation if needed or find them a nearby Airbnb?

I think it is horrible to leave the couple out. I get what the organiser is saying about the hobby but the couple being left out were the ones to mention going on a weekend away somewhere and they're now not being included.

I would talk to the organiser again and explain to them that the ones being left out will rightly most likely feel shitty about it and if it isn't possible to find bigger accommodation or fit them in somehow and at least give them the option, then it would be best just to cancel.

Even though you didn't organise the weekend, they'll be equally mad at you if you agree to go without them

I think I'd have to bite the bullet and say something to them along the lines of "we've been organising a hobby based trip and it reminded me how much we wanted to go away with you, the non hobbies too. Are you free on specific date to go away together?" Make it clear it's 100% due to the hobby and you absolutely enjoy their company. Then invite all your other friends and leave out the hobby organising couple with an equally crap excuse (joke but if only).

Oh, and you’re going so it is your business to say something, it’s a perfectly simple thing to raise!

Surely this is your business? You are part of group leaving out the other family. It’s very poor form and they will have every right to feel upset.

I don't want to say too much but there is a reason why the place was chosen.

The main reason I'm hesitant to get involved is that a birthday is also involved. If it wasn't, I'd say something in a flash. A birthday makes things slightly different..like I'm meddling with someone's invite list. I feel like I would end up looking like a busybody. The couple involved don't even know about this at the moment and would never cause any waves (even though they'd be privately gutted). I could end up causing a load of drama...

We've been in this position - a group of families, all friends, they arranged one trip away and didn't invite us as we didn't fit the "mould" (other families both have only children, we don't). They understandably wanted the children to have others to play with, why that meant our DS's wouldn't fit in baffled me

It then continued, to the point eventually we were never invited to anything. Seriously hurtful. At the time we were really upset, in hindsight I'm glad to be out of it as who wants to be friends with either family - one is definitely the instigator, and the other didn't have the back bone to stick up for us. Not friends I'd want in my life.

Why would it cause drama just to point out that this other couple haven’t been invited? Are your friends prone to being melodramatic?

If this was my mates I wouldn’t even have given it much thought before bringing it up in a matter of fact kind of way.

The birthday does make it more awkward. I would still try and mention xxxx will feel excluded in case it is a genuine oversight.

Perhaps private message to the organiser saying you are worried xxxx will feel excluded as they have been included in previous conversation about a weekend away.

Say something. Definitely. It will be so hurtful to the couple left out, having an awkward conversation with the organiser is important.

Of course it's your business to say something. It sounds horribly mean and sneaky. I wouldn't go.

I agree the birthday complicates it as they can invite who they like. If you are all pretty good friends and the organising couple have talked about weekend trips with left out couple then this is going to sting. So I’d do what someone has already suggested. Talk to organising friend say you understand birthday and hobby for this weekend trip but let’s arrange a different one and include the other couple as you donnt want them to feel excluded

Even if the uninvited couple are unaware right now, they'll find out eventually. Any drama will be the fault of the organising couple - but the bystander couples will probably get sucked in because leaving one couple out, well, sucks.

Things will probably not be quite the same again even if the couple who were left out rise above their being excluded 8n this occasion.

Are this couple the only people from the group being left out?

Seems mean. Why that accommodation is there no other option?

I would contact the organiser, say that whilst you appreciate a birthday is involved x&y talked about arranging a weekend away as well and indeed you discussed it with them. Whilst they don’t do this hobby I have no doubt they are going to be upset as the only couple not invited. Can the accommodation be changed to include them if they are free?

What do the other couples involved think?

And if they wont change the accommodation I would say I am not going, and would let the other families know why

This is mean. Not saying anything is as well.

What if it was your family left out? People get away with this crap because people let them.