Friend left out - worried about their disappointment

[kimberleyjess]

One of the families in our friendship group at primary school has organised a weekend away next year, partly for a birthday but also just to have a fun weekend away. It was an invite to some families 'we're doing xxx. We'd love you to join'. The parents going share an outdoors hobby which we can do there, and the suggested venue only has a certain number of beds, so that was pretty much that.

Another couple - also in the friendship group - had talked about us all doing a weekend away at some point but haven't been included. The organiser knew about this as they'd both discussed it a bit, and even talked about organising it together at some point. I know they're going to feel massively hurt, and would probably have assumed that if anything was ever organised that they would have been included. I know how I would feel if I was in that position. I would think 'oh all my mates have gone off on a jolly and I've been excluded'. I wouldn't care about the hobby bit (this couple aren't involved in the hobby) ...it would just feel rubbish.

It's not my business to say anything to anyone but its making me feel anxious. They will find out, for sure

@RockinHorseShit

I could end up causing a load of drama...

The drama has been created by the organiser, not you. You can't avoid drama thanks to them, so you need to do the right thing

It would have been better to say something immediately, however that moment has passed. There is no need for there to be a big drama. You can talk face to face with the organiser. Presumably you are all paying a share rather than being treated . If nothing is said before the event, and you all go without the other couple, the drama is likely to be far,far bigger than if you had just said something . Are you worried that if you say you aren't comfortable going then your space will be offered to the other couple and you will become the 'left out ' ones. If you genuinely fear that scenario, it tells you all you need to know about the people you are spending time with.

It really depends what the hobby is! If it's something that takes over, eg golf or skiing, it makes sense but someone needs to say to them. Eg 'we've organised a golf weekend but as you don't play we assume you wouldn't want to come. Hope that's ok?'

But if it's something like paddle boarding that doesn't take hours out of the day and they could easily occupy themselves whilst everyone is doing it, it feels unkind

@Baxdream

It really depends what the hobby is! If it's something that takes over, eg golf or skiing, it makes sense but someone needs to say to them. Eg 'we've organised a golf weekend but as you don't play we assume you wouldn't want to come. Hope that's ok?'

But if it's something like paddle boarding that doesn't take hours out of the day and they could easily occupy themselves whilst everyone is doing it, it feels unkind

This would’ve been the best option from the start. I don’t understand why this didn’t happen.

All my friends went on a ski trip once. I detest skiing. I’ve never tried it, never want to, I find the endless talk about it boring as shit. They gave me the option to go though, and hey, I like mountains and nice scenery so I went.

A ski boot never came near me but I ate a lot of nice food, saw some amazing sights, got pissed and had a good time on my own while they were going up and down a mountain.

I'd have to say something. It stings being left out of a group thing you thought you were very much in even just evening drinks let alone a whole holiday which you yourself have talked about arranging with the same people!

If the left out couple believe that they are close enough friends with you all, that they would suggest a group weekend away, then they are going to be absolutely devastated that a large group of people clearly don't feel the same. The planning, a long way in advance and the separate watts app group, that will no doubt have to be created, the booking of meals, organising of kit for this hobby will just make it worse. It's not quite the level of a spouse having an affair, but, with the lies, the secret conversations, the separate phone group and an experience shared with people that have excluded you, makes it not far off. There will be memories created, daft things done, in jokes created. Everytime you all get together for a BBQ it will be awkward. Someone will mention something hilarious that happened on the trip and they will just have to stand there and pretend to laugh because they will have no idea why it is funny. It will always be odd because it will bring it back to them that they were excluded. They will probably feel its easier to just drop all of you.

Is the organiser the "Amanda" of the group, and you are just pleased it isnt you being left out this time?

Understandable if so, as we are only human! But if you allow this without speaking up, in the future it WILL happen to you.

Good grief, I wondered if this was a reverse, as this is the mirror of a situation I was in about 6 months ago!

Yes I/we were that left out couple. The organiser had a special birthday (which ages ago she intimated we'd be part of any planned celebrations) ... and heard nothing as the special day passed by in the calendar.

So the others (1 couple and 3 singles) booked a cottage away in Cornwall for the week. We weren't invited. They all share a hobby which we don't, and consequently are more tightly knitted. Also I appreciate it's easier to find and book a cottage for 5 rather than 7.

So I contact the birthday person on the day to wish her a happy XXth. And I asked one of the other 5 if she knew if there were any plans to celebrate as we'd not heard anything. Got back some somewhat evasive texts so I guessed what had happened and was correct.

You know what though? I know we're more on the periphery of the group and there's no logical reason 5 shouldn't go away together (esp as the shared hobby) but what really galled was the fact that no-one had the guts to let us know! It all felt a bit subterfugal and since we have moved away from them. Still are friends but I'm not so invested in the group anymore (pity as we all go back years and years).

Whatever you do, OP, please don't try to hide it in plain sight. It is very hurtful to be that "other couple".

Could the left out couple bring a tent or hire a van and camp in the garden?

That’s what we’ve done to keep accommodation costs down in the past.

Not hired a van - we have our own.
But sleeping in a tent is fine if you have a decent set up.

My friendship group would never allow this to happen.

They would just choose a venue to accommodate everyone and forget about the 'hobby' which is basically an excuse to exclude this couple

@itisyourbirthdayKelly

Life’s too short to make other people feel like shit. The couple that are left out will feel awful.

I should have brought up immediately that it was unfair to leave one family out, the hobby is a red herring. So what if they don’t want to do that with you, they can do something else for a bit.

There doesn’t have to be any drama at all.

“Honestly guys, it’s really unfair to leave out Sarah and Jim. We need to find larger accommodation so we can all go”.

This

I don’t think I’d like to go knowing how it would look to your friends who have been left out, it would feel disloyal. What’s the chances of another weekend away happening or will it be forgotten now this one has been organised?

I would speak to the couple excluded and explain how bad you feel and that they have only be left out because of the hobby and the number of places.

At least then they will know that there is someone on their side and that they are not being ostracised.

Be proactive and speak to the other couple. It’ll be awkward to address the elephant in the room but you can lessen the blow by saying it’s come about because of the hobby first and foremost. Say that you can organise a more general one soon.
At least then they’ll know you are in their corner.

Xpost ilove

We are saying the same thing.

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

I would speak to the couple excluded and explain how bad you feel and that they have only be left out because of the hobby and the number of places.

At least then they will know that there is someone on their side and that they are not being ostracised.

But they are still being ostracised.They can be part of the group for everything bar the hobby and a property that can accommodate all can be found. You can't do many hobbies in the dark and you presumably need to eat at the beginning and end of the day. My husband's family are keen on cycling. I don't cycle. I go on their big weekend meet up each year and amuse myself whilst they are cycling a million miles. We have lovely meal each evening and a big, noisy breakfast first thing .Making out that the hobby and house are the reasons they aren't being included will just make them feel shit about it all .

Why not just propose a second weekend?
Eg Bob has invited us to x to do "cycling/kayaking/clown diving". Can we find a weekend in our diaries now for all of us to get away together including Sarah and Pete?"

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Why are you making this YOUR problem?

Because she is part of the clique that will upset the other couple that have been left out.

I've had experience of this and it's so hurtful. It was made worse by the fact that close friends didn't tell me about the holiday I was excluded from until I saw photos on social media. It would be kindest to let the excluded people know (drop into conversation maybe) and to make alternative plans. I feel differently about my friends since this happened, sadly, and won't make as much effort with them anymore.

Honestly, some of the responses on here are a bit juvenile. This invitation was issued by a particular family to specific other families, and is partly to celebrate a birthday, and partly to do a hobby that the invited families all do, to accommodation with limited bedrooms.

The OP is speculating that the family who weren't invited are going to be terribly upset and feel excluded, but it's not clear to me what basis there is for this, other than that going away for a weekend together was discussed in general at some point with the omitted people, and she thinks they're going to feel 'dropped' from this trip, whereas it's fairly clear from what she says that this trip has no relationship to the vaguely discussed on, and it's about a hobby.

Genuinely, it wouldn't cost me a second thought to know that the other members of a friendship group were going away for a weekend doing an activity I don't do. I'd probably say 'Have fun, and why don't we all see if we can find a date to go to X together later on in the year?'

I don't think it would cost most well-balanced people a second thought. People who default to feeling excluded and 'Wendied', and who imagine the school run as a gauntlet of side-eyes and 'cliques' are over-represented on Mn.

OP, genuinely, why not wait and see whether the other family is actually upset about this? It seems a lot of drama for something that hasn't happened, and that you don't know is going to happen.

If it's a friendship family group where everyone is equally friends then I'd say something and suggest you find a weekend when everyone can go and a house (or two houses next to each other) big enough to accommodate everyone. I would be feeling anxious about this too so definitely say something and stand up for what you think is the right thing to do.

I would speak to the organiser and just highlight what you've noticed. If there's genuinely no bad feelings the organiser is likely to be upset at the potential upset they're causing & might be open to a chat about how to handle it?

Then your conscience is clear & if your plan for handling it works the left out couple will have their feelings protected.

I can’t believe actual grown ups make such a song a dance about birthdays and hobbies. It sounds so childish and the whole thing of leaving out a couple makes it seem even more juvenile.
A person not doing a hobby doesn’t preclude them from attending a weekend - I assume it’s something like golf or cycling, well I’m sure the couple can amuse themselves while you’re all out doing your “hobby”
It sounds like a group that they would be better off out of and I’m sure this whole debacle will make them realise that.

In a friendship group you should have all been open about this and checked how they would feel before the booking iwas made.

Of course they will feel excluded and hurt. Everything else - the hobby, bed nos os just excuses.

If you want this friendship t survive fess up now and apologize. Get it out in the open cause they will find out and that will be much worse.

If you can phrase it in such a way that the organisers will feel good about themselves for doing the right thing and including them, I think there's a better chance they'll be invited afterall. If you make them feel guilty about leaving them out in the first place, they'll likely dig their heels in because it'll leave a bad taste (of guilt that it wasn't their idea) if they do invite them under duress.