If you are/ were a woman with a high-flying and high-earning career..

[jolliejullie]

.. and you decided to have kids, what was the impact of kids on your career?

I am still ver much on the fence about kids (which is telling in itself I suppose given that I am 33!), but I have been wondering what impact having children would have on my career hypothetically. I work with other women in demanding leadership roles (same level as me or above) but all of them are either childless or have older children (12+). I am not sure if that is a coincidence.

So I'd love to hear other women's experiences. If you are/ were a woman with a "big job" and career ambitions, how did having children impact your career?

My eldest is 18. I was in a senior finance role when I had him. I wanted a shift in our family life but my husband was not willing to take a step back and be home more with our children so when he got a job in another area, I took a career break... which was the end of my career. I wanted my children to have a parent a home and if it wasn't going to be him, then it had to be me. We followed him in his next career move which was a further nail in the coffin for my career and the one after that which made it even more difficult for me to return to work and now the gap is so great, we need to keep his salary until the kids go to university. There are times I think that if I had know how much it would cost me, I would never have done it. I have done and achieved and experienced amazing things in the life that I choose.... but I have also given up a lot. I do work now but no where near my previous earning potential.

I was in a top City law firm when I had dc1. My career is now in a very different place to where I was then, not stalled exactly (I'm doing really well) but in a very different direction to where I started. I have no regrets.

The secret imo is not to stop working. Don't take time off beyond mat leave. (and I didn't take long mat leaves really).

What I meant to add to my post is that there's choices beyond leaving work, going to the same job full or part time like trying a different direction or organisation.

I chose to take a backseat in my career when I had DS1. I worked enough for us to be able to live and did nights to avoid childcare costs. This was the case for about 12 years. I’ve had 2 promotions since moving to full time days.

No regrets at all, it was right for us at the time and now I’m earning more than I ever have just as I’m preparing for both dses to be at university at the same time.

I’ve never been really ambitious though, sort of fell into this latest promotion. Certainly not planned.

I have retained a successful career throughout my dc childhood. Had 3 under 5. Worked 3 days a week when had my first but then my exh lost his job so I went full time again. Have worked full time since. Dc now all teens / late teens.

The impact it had / has on my dc? When they were little they were just as close to their father as me as we shared care more opposed to the mum being the main carer. I felt I missed out on all the school runs, play date phase though. No regrets now but at the time I felt I was missing out.

Me working full time in a well paid job has meant my dc have never gone without. My daughter in particular calls me her role model (she is 17). I couldn’t as for more.

It did however contribute to my divorce from their father. I grew resentful of being the breadwinner, tired all the time and the time he had with the dc. He was awful with money and would spend it as soon as I earned it. We divorced 10 years ago and my career has progressed further still. I am also mortgage free and work from home 3 days a week which is nice to be able to finally have more time when the dc come home etc.

I’m glad I kept my career and financial independence. God knows where I’d be now if I hadn’t. It’s hard op. But if you love your job, as I always have it really does help. Prioritise your kids when you’re not in work and they will soon realise you’re doing your best.

I have a very successful career and two children under 10. With both I worked hard while pregnant, took four months off and then went back full time and worked like I had no other responsibilities.

Most importantly my husband agreed to be primary carer so he has always done drop offs and picks ups and dealt with any illnesses. I am very present at the weekend with my children but otherwise my primary focus is work - I enjoy my work and have a very fulfilling role and this works for me. In my personal experience a halfway house doesn’t work, if you want an extreme level of success with your career you will have to commit to it as if you don’t have children - very much a personal decision if that works for you.

Again, in my personal experience I do not know people who have stepped away for longer than a few months and achieved that level of seniority later on - but my experience is from a corporate environment and I can imagine it is possible in some fields.

I think most people have covered the main things that helped, but if I was to sum it up:

1. one DC

2. Know your worth. If you have skills, competencies and right attitude, don’t agree to something you don’t want to eg. Hours, days, culture. There’ll be a job out there that’s right for you, which may not be where you are now.

3. supportive partner. Full on 50/50 if they work too, or them doing more if you’re the higher earner.

4. buy in the things that make life easier (cleaner, nursery/childminder/ nanny) people like this become your support network

I actually got promoted after maternity leave, but only because I knew my worth. I wasn’t affected by being off work for 1 year, it helped me focus and reassess what was important to me in my next job. I’ve since had 2 more promotions (in less than 8 years) and earn more than DH (who works ft). He mainly does the before/after school pick up, substituted with either CM/ grandparents etc.

Depends on the type of career I reckon
Mine has totally stagnated because to really, really progress I need to put in extra work outside of contracted hours.

Having children has definitely impacted my career. When I became pregnant with my first, DH and I earned pretty much the same. Ten years on, he earns double my salary, despite being a hands on dad and doing as much for them as I do. Most of the gap occurred during my maternity leaves and it’s never recovered.

To be fair, I was never very ambitious (only have a career because I bore easily so always looking for something new, not because I’m driven) but even I found myself frustrated by the number of mediocre men who were promoted above me while I was on maternity leave. I had three close together so spent five years stagnating while I was either on mat leave or about to go on mat leave.

I’m also conscious that I can’t always take on more at work because I need to be available for the children. So for example, I think I need a new challenge now but also aware that this year will be a difficult one for DC1 so I shouldn’t take on a new role right now.

City solicitor here. I was 4pqe when I had DC1 and 6pqe when I had DC2. Took a year off both times then returned to work full time. DH works 4 days and we have a nanny. Things were manageable after DC1 but it’s been really really tough going back the second time. I feel like attitudes in my team have completely changed towards me; they’ve brought someone in from one of the international offices who has essentially replaced me and is next in line for partnership; I’ve been overlooked for BD opportunities and at the same time totally screwed over with the volume of work I’ve been given. In my last appraisal before mat leave I got the highest scores possible and the biggest bonus in the department, whereas now I basically feel I am being managed out and am looking for another job.

I log off 6-8 to do bed and bath every day and then work until 12/1 every day, then up at 5 with DC2 who is still bf. It is exhausting and I don’t think I can cope for much longer.

I am the breadwinner so we can’t really afford for me to step back. I used to love my job but don’t know what I want anymore. Fantasising about jacking it all in and retraining as something less stressful and moving out of London, but then I also see all my male colleagues making partner (and earning millions) without any of this angst and usually of lower ability than me.

I don’t know what the answer is other than j need a holiday! We have no family nearby which makes it harder.

I think the key to all this is who you have babies with. I am in the same industry as DH. We had babies in my early 30s. We coparented equally, including time off from illness etc now, 15 years on, my career has progressed in a way I could never have imagined. I don't think having kids harmed me at all but in large part because we shared the burden totally equally between us.

Interesting thread, I don’t have a high flying career but I am in a professional role. I have two kids, one aged 7 & one aged 3. I work four days a week, 9am - 4pm. I pick the kids up and feed them at 5 pm. That’s my routine.

Now, my boss is a lady the same age as me (39.) She’s at the top of her game career-wise, is a Snr in the field. She has two kids aged 3 & 5. Her mum picks the kids up every day & feeds them. Quite often her mum does the bedtime routine in the week too. So my boss doesn’t get to spend as much time with her kids as I do. That’s fine, that’s her choice, she’s worked really hard to get to where she is & she loves her job.

It all comes down to what you’re prepared to let slide. I honestly don’t see how you can work the long hours that a high-flying career often demands & do the children’s routines as you normally would at home. Something has to give

I had to quit to be honest, my job involved too much entertaining clients in the evenings, booze was flowing etc. exh had a job that he worked 60+ hours a week at and couldn't cut back. Was best thing I did, worked for non profits since doing good for the world for 1/3 pay

I'm a doctor and my career really took a knock, surprisingly. On paper it shouldn't matter, as there's a fairly clear career structure in Medicine. But I found that as soon as I had my first child people around me decided I was on the "mummy track" and decided I wouldn't be interested in, or suitable for, leadership roles. Various people, including women in leadership roles, told me not to apply for leadership roles while my children are still young, as I should be focusing on being a mother(!). I was essentially forced out of both my main job and a supplementary role I held.

Fortunately my husband's family are wealthy and we get a lot of financial support from them (holidays, offer of school fees if we choose independent education, etc) so we are coping financially even though I now earn about half what I used to.

I love my current role but am bored and underutilised. Thankfully I'm finding ways to develop my current role into something more challenging and am being supported by my departmental lead to do so.

The other thing to factor in is how motherhood might completely re-jiggle your priorities. I just couldn’t imagine not being there to give my children dinner, to do the bath, the nighttime story, the cuddles on the sofa. No amount of money would be a fair substitute for me being present, as their mum. I would hate missing out on the little things that I want to remember when I’m old & they’ve gone.

Kids grow up very fast - you only borrow them for a short time. After having them you may unexpectedly feel that they matter more than your career.

Not all women feel this way of course. I did & do, & it surprised me.

Destroyed my career, had a child with a disability and a (now ex) husband who wouldn't support me at all. Had to retrain a decade later in something else less demanding. Still feel angry about what happened.

That being said, I don't envy my high flying child free female friends, their lives would bore me now. And I also don't envy the fulltime working friends with kids and high flying careers, I simply do not have the energy. So I'm content with how it turned out. Fortunately I had made enough money before all that happened to make life now comfortable.

I stopped for 6 years and then restarted p/t when DC 2 was nearly 2. I managed to go back in at the same salary / level but of course I would have been on a higher salary if I hadn't had a gap. I'm not as good as I was. The mental load is so much with school and everything. I work smarter but I'm
not as organised.

Big career that carried on, though stagnated for a few years during the baby phase. Key things that made it ok: husband who does a lot (more than half); brilliant nanny; not obsessing about time with kids in the week (I feel totally ok with missing out on school pickups/lots of bedtimes etc but I know some don’t). I have a lovely relationship with my kids but I am not “all over” their homework and stuff. I think that might actually be a good thing!

@MrsPear

I thought I was going to be that woman. Pregnant with ds1 - never raised it at work apart from the notice thing. Still did long days and appointments outside of work. Managed to secure a promotion. I was going to work until the last minute and be back at 6 months. Then I went into labour at 29 weeks at work. I ignored the pains after all 29 weeks. Finished work ended up in hospital later that night. Ds came, got sick and nearly died. We were told he could be profoundly disabled. He got to six months and we were still in and out of the hospital. Ditto 12 months. I had to face facts. My career was over. Ds is now 12 and settled. I want it back but despite being only 40 I’ve realised it’s too late.

Sorry I hope I haven't misunderstood your post.... sorry if I have!

But if your child is happy and healthy that is above any type of high flying career.

After our second child our childcare was more than my salary but it was important to us that my career progressed and it did. I have always worked full time and have run own business for past 10 years

I am a high earner (no tax free allowance) and dh is a very high earner (different sector)

It didnt impact on my career.

Meant I had to start pretty much at the bottom after a five year career break.

Took five years to return to same level seven years to get beyond.

Wouldn’t change it but was difficult to keep applying for those jobs. Over 200 applications.

Worked part-time after DD born. This supported my (now ex) husband’s career.

My daughter is now 11 and I’m at senior management level - potential for CEO role in 2-5 years - so before I’m 50. For every year I worked part-time it held me back 18 months.

To be honest it’s possible because my DD is with her Dad 50% of the time and that’s when I put the hours in. Also have supportive workplace and my family is close by.

If your DH isn’t doing 50% now or has weekend long hobbies or has a very inflexible workplace, then non-of that will change once the baby is born.

Family near by who are willing to help out is vital if you both want careers. Also nanny/cleaners too.

If you look at people like the Obamas, Jacinda Ardern etc this is what they have. Also - Prince William and Kate Middleton - they have Kate’s parents to help out if needed.

No real impact for me for 10 years, in fact career flourished. That because DH went part time and does everything on the domestic front.

However, I'm now stepping back and taking a new job in the not for profit sector with less responsibility and less pay because I've realized that work isn't everything. If I hadn't have had kids, I wouldn't have taken that decision, I'm sure and would have dedicated most of my time to work.

I see the difference pre and post children that pre children no one is really reliant on you. Your DP may complain if you are not around, but they can make the decision to leave. Your children are completely reliant on their parents. It's such a huge change.

It wasn't feasible for me to continue in my current career trajectory for multiple reasons after my Dass, but it pushed me in a different direction, and now I run my own company and am absolutely loving it. Work life is so much better and I'd never have done it without the push.

I have a senior role and one DD. It hasn’t had an impact on my career but it has on my ability as a mother. I’m the main breadwinner although my partner earns a reasonable amount too. I can’t do school pick ups, after school clubs etc and that has meant I miss out. But my salary pays for dd to be able to do these things and she is very close to her Dad.
I dream about stepping off the career (City) but I also know it’s not that easy.
So it might not impact your career but most women have to make a sacrifice in the time with their children. Very few can do both imo