If you are/ were a woman with a high-flying and high-earning career..

[jolliejullie]

.. and you decided to have kids, what was the impact of kids on your career?

I am still ver much on the fence about kids (which is telling in itself I suppose given that I am 33!), but I have been wondering what impact having children would have on my career hypothetically. I work with other women in demanding leadership roles (same level as me or above) but all of them are either childless or have older children (12+). I am not sure if that is a coincidence.

So I'd love to hear other women's experiences. If you are/ were a woman with a "big job" and career ambitions, how did having children impact your career?

Personally, it only works for me because I've chosen to only have one child.

It’s doable with nannies and dedication, but there are so many variables involved, nobody can really predict your individual circumstances.

I was planning to go back asap to my high flying career after my first was born. That was my plan right up until I gave birth. But a rough birth + PND + unexpectedly not wanting to be away from my baby or hand him over to a nanny (really hadn’t factored in feeling that way) meant I took a year off for maternity leave, and just didn’t give the same amount of shits about my career when I went back. Undoubtedly my year off + new found lack of ambition damaged my progression in that particular career.

I ended up working part-time, doing a couple of slightly downwards job moves, feeling a bit resentful that my husbands career was going from strength to strength while I was dicking about feeling like I was doing a crap job of everything…and then ended up completely changing careers when I had my second child.

I’m in my 40s now with teens and my ‘second’ career is really taking off and my earning power is kicking back in again. My husband has taken a big step back in his career now and is at home with the kids a lot, so I’m much better supported and more relaxed about it all now.

I’m pretty happy with how it has worked out, but there were several years of feeling torn between my career and kids and the stress and self doubt that brought.

I think whatever your plan, be prepared for it to not work out exactly how you expect it to!

Over 20y in investment banking, which has a very long hours culture. I went back PT (3 days) after DC1 and upped it to 4 days after DC2. The long hours meant DC had to get up at 6am with me, travel to work in the City, where they went to nursery near the office, so I could get into work just after 7am. DH worked for the same bank and picked them up after he'd finished, allowing me to see clients in the evening.

PT in investment banking wasn't great and I was undoubtedly over looked and ultimately made redundant. My senior female desk head had chosen to prioritise her career over having DC and I think was quite resentful that I was trying to do both. I got another IB job but had to return to FT, my career (and salary) is now back on track and I'm glad I stuck with it. I earn a lot more than DH now and it pays for 2 sets of school fees. Hybrid working has been a game changer as I now do 2 days in the office and 3 at home along with everyone else, so I'm taken just as seriously, but without being away from home 60+ hours a week.

Unfortunately I worked with all men - trading - no flexibility at all for part time / reduced hrs. It was the normal 60 hrs work a week (plus commute) or nothing - unfortunately I quit (well I got bought out) but I do miss it ….

If they would of just reduced the hrs I’d still be working (and that’s with doing flexible working requests with an employment lawyer) … they looked at it and said no 🤪 full time or good bye

One child definitely made things easier and it's essential to have a partner who genuinely shares the load. DH does 50% of drop-offs and pick-ups and 50% of days off when DD is sick (fortunately, this is rare and again one child make it easier). For us this meant that neither could have a job which involved much travel as the other couldn't balance work with doing both drop-offs and pick-ups - it might be possible if you want to go down the nanny route.

It had an impact (delayed several years in my path vs guys I started with) but my eldest is 8 now. The world and my org has thankfully changed somewhat since then …

Part of it is mindset and perception - what signals are you sending to the business about commitment and wanting to continue growing - and also whether you have supportive mentors

With DD1 I was rather isolated and the men I worked with clearly couldn’t conceptualise more than me being on a mummy track - referencing their SAH wives - this played into my personal fears

With DD2 I had a supportive leader who knew how to work with women, it was a few years later than DD1

So all in all - it can have an impact depending upon your org and your mindset

Most importantly to make it work day-to-day you have to have a supportive partner who genuinely gets it - who wants you and your career to succeed and will do drop/pick, who will put the kids to bed, who can easily handle when you travel and work late etc without falling apart or making a drama about it - there are enough threads on MNet to show how critical this is

And if you are having DC by yourself; then your childcare options and reliability become even more important

I don’t know if I would consider my career “high flying” it’s pretty standard although I’m quite well paid. Had my daughter when I was 34, tool 1 year mat leave and worked another year 3/4 days a week. Worked full time since she was about 3, and she’s 12 now.

My male peers are about ten years ahead of me in terms of career. I’m bloody good at my job and put in as many, if not more hours than they do, but I can’t do the swanning off to the after work “networking” events or golf events, or three day away “team building” events and that has definitely had an impact. I also work flex hours, and pre-covid this meant I was considered to be less dedicated to the cause. The job I’m in now, I’m associate to directors who have had less experience, have less knowledge, and rely on me to fill the gap for them. Thankfully they don’t take credit for me, and it was them who promoted me where others hadn’t. I can see my career getting back on track now.

But, I knew it would happen and wouldn’t have not had my daughter because of it. It’s unfair but it is what it is.

I thought I was going to be that woman. Pregnant with ds1 - never raised it at work apart from the notice thing. Still did long days and appointments outside of work. Managed to secure a promotion. I was going to work until the last minute and be back at 6 months.
Then I went into labour at 29 weeks at work. I ignored the pains after all 29 weeks. Finished work ended up in hospital later that night. Ds came, got sick and nearly died. We were told he could be profoundly disabled. He got to six months and we were still in and out of the hospital. Ditto 12 months. I had to face facts. My career was over. Ds is now 12 and settled. I want it back but despite being only 40 I’ve realised it’s too late.

I should say, the company I worked for when I was pregnant with dc1 told me I could come back full time or look for another job, so I made a fairly significant career change into a different sector while on maternity leave.

I was actually even better in my career after maternity leave as it made me super focused and organised as I made sure to leave on time and make sure all my meetings were fruitful and projects delivered on time.

How it worked ...:husband did his fair share of school runs, days off for sickness etc

Great nursery school and later on a great nanny.

I blocked my calendar at work after 5pm and made sure to maintain a good work life balance.

My boss thought I was overachieving more since I became a mother .

I am so glad I didn't give up my career or go set time etc.My DD is very happy I'm successful and tells her friend I'm a "girl boss"

I was a management consultant for a big 4.

Never very ambitious and wasn't planning on going for partner at any point.

I returned to work full time after DC1. After DC2 I quit and became a SAHM. It was going to cost around £2k a month for nursery for 2 and tbh I didn't love my job enough to pay that. Also I was due back in Jan 2020 and we all know what happened shortly after that. I would have had to leave my job anyway as DH and I would have burnt out trying to do both our jobs from home with a 3 and 1 year old around.

I plan to return to work when youngest starts school but until she's in secondary I'm not looking for anything too serious. I might do a second push at my career then if I want ... or I might just enjoy the comfortably slide to retirement.

I don’t think it impacts your career if you either pay for a lot of support or have family support. Without both of these it would have really impacted one or both of us together.

Motherhood was v bad for my career and haven’t had a promotion since DC1 who is now a teen. Going PT didn’t help, and returning to FT did a bit, got better quality work but still pigeon holed.

DH turned out to be unwilling to compromise his working time. He’s the higher earner and, of course, much more so now as there is no ‘fatherhood penalty’ for fathers who prioritise their paid work.

I didn’t help myself either, with respect to DH or seeking out other options.

I work in a ‘family friendly’ organisation/field.

Finding the teen years much more demanding than the primary/tween stage with respect to time/energy/input needed during the week.

I went back full time when DS was 1, it's well paid and I'm fairly senior but I purposefully moved to a job in a sector where there was no expectation of work outside of core hours and good policies in case needed time off last minute. Realise this is a very privileged position even though I'm probably around £30k less than if I'd stayed where I was.

There was no Impac for me at all, I went back after maternity leave and cracked on as normal. No negative impact.

I struggled with the hrs required to do the job and would leave “early” to get dd.

We had no support network, and anytime dd was ill, it would be me. DH runs his own company, but it was just him. He did not want to go, full-time dad.

I worked as Pm in engineering companies. The dads always have wives at home. And I was told by one manager I was only working because my husband could not afford for me not to. The misogyny is rife.

Coupled with never the resentment of missing out on dd, I left. I've never looked back.

If you have a child who will look after them if they are ill? Can you afford childcare if there’s not any grandparental support? Will you mind missing out on key develop stages, to make a meeting?

For me personally having kids made my career aspirations nosedive. Not the case for everyone but I saw work as just that, a place to earn necessary income but not a key part of my life and who I am. Kids totally changed my outlook and I’m very happy I took a step back. Don’t get me wrong I still work full time but I don’t live for work. I get the job done but I don’t care about it and really why should I? I’d be replaced if I left as would we all. No one can replace me as a mum.

Packed in my 'high' flying job. Don't miss it in the slightest. Ok the money would be lovely but kids don't care what brands they're wearing. They're more bothered that you're picking them up from school.

BUT you can't put a price on being there (ACTUALLY being there) for your children in their childhood. Which is such a short time.

If you're any good at being high flying you can always do something else again once the kids are more independent in my opinion.

Personally I wanted to be a mum more than I wanted to be some career woman. I don't need a fancy title to validate myself . I do still work but pt and around my kids (earn about 1/3 of what I used to) Happy as Larry.

I am a civil servant in a senior leadership position and I got a promotion about 2 months after my return on my first maternity leave. I used annual leave to return part time to begin with and then worked compressed hours to get one day off a week - this was all agreed in tandem with my promotion. I have been back for just under a year and am now pregnant again, and will go off for another maternity leave in the autumn. I'll work until about 38 weeks then be off for 13 months (12 months, then 4 weeks of AL) and then do the same as last time and use leave to return part time before getting back to my full time hours across 4 days. I would expect / be expected to be looking at my next promotion probably within a year of being back. Having a baby has impacted my ambition slightly in that I'm no longer desperate to get as high as I can, rather I am pleased with my overall package now and would only seek to move up if I wanted the stretch and it worked with my family life.

Strongly disagree with all the points in your post, CoastalWave.

For example you CAN put costs on stepping back or out as regards paid work: and they are costs almost no fathers are willing to pay.

It’s possible to work a well paid job and parent DC effectively.

However skilled you are, it’s often very hard to secure good pay or a successful business after a long career break.

Many of the high flying women I know had children young eg mid twenties. They were only early thirties when children became independent and now in their fifties are holding senior posts in local government.

My career stalled whilst going through fertility treatment and having two kids in quick succession. Made redundant during second mat leave because they're bastards. But new job is most likely about where I would have been no kids, just probably two years later. Obviously lost money etc..... But overall happy with it and kids are great. My partner has agreed that my career will be the priority over his for a bit to compensate. You need a supportive partner. One child is totally manageable particularly if you fall pregnant easily and have easy pregnancies.

I was a City solicitor and had worked hard to get where I was - I had no intention of not going back after DC.

After DC1, I wanted to go back 3 days a week - they said no. I went back 4 days with a nanny and by the time I paid my taxes and paid her salary, I was getting £50 a month more than I would have had if I was doing 3 days. I found having a nanny deeply painful - the first nanny we hired wanted to "manage" me then walked out when she realised I wasn't up for that! The second nanny was lovely and adored DC1, but it broke my heart feeling like I was paying her to mother my baby even though it was objectively best for DC.

On the work front, my firm didn't give me enough work for the 4 days they insisted I do, then discriminated against me when I got pregnant again (removed me from a client for being pregnant). I had lost all love for them by the time I went on mat leave again and knew I was unlikely to go back to work for them.

When my second mat leave was up, I decided to stay at home. DC2 is now in reception. It's been a fucking godsend being an SAHP through Covid! I now do legal related voluntary work around school hours.

When I was pregnant the first time I had almost no idea about school aged kids and how much they would need me. I am so glad the DC don't have to go to after school club often (they usually go once a week when I have a regular meeting) - school is exhausting enough for them at their age. I get to take them swimming and to the playground after school, and I see their teachers and friends every day and understand what's going on for them.

At the moment I never want to do paid work for anyone else ever again - but DC2 is only 4. There are loads of things I could do when they are a bit bigger. I'm sure couldn't go back to being a City associate, but most of my friends are in-house now anyway. I have no regrets.

Have ds killed my career and earning potential . I worked in the city and 8 years ago it wasn't a family friendly job although I hear its improved a little
Long hours and socialising was a must .
Also I ended up being a single mum unexpectedly, so now I wfh for low pay.
Wouldn't change my life though