Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Want baby no4 but scared of twins again

63 replies

3kidsplus · 19/03/2022 11:26

Hi myself & my partner have 3 kids already but really want a fourth. We have a 12yr old & then 9yr old non identical twins. After the twins were born we said no more as couldn’t risk twins again. I learnt to live with that but about 6 months ago decided that we were in a good enough place that if we got twins again then we would manage. We’ve just bought a house that we plan on converting the attic & partners car is up for renewal so we can upgrade to 7 seater. It felt right but we wanted to wait until now to start trying as we had other things planned. After thinking I’d never have another for the last 9 years, I’ve fallen in love with this idea of doing it all again but my partner has suddenly changed his mind & although he really wants a fourth he definitely doesn’t want 5. I’m absolutely gutted 😢 he says 5 will just be too much & he thinks it’ll affect the 3 we already have. We do have a good life, our kids don’t really want for anything & we travel a lot. We’d probably have to scale some things back but would our children resent us for having more. We travel to France in the car quite a bit & he thinks that even with a 7 seater we’ll struggle for space & the bigger kids will be squashed. I feel we’d just manage but am I being silly/selfish, should I just be grateful for what we have? Im just so upset & confused about what to do. I know he feels guilty about changing his mind & I know he’s probably considering giving in but I don’t want that knowing that if it is twins he might resent me or them

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 19/03/2022 11:39

I'd listen to him personally. Nobody knows what the future holds and coping with 3 on your own is manageable but 5? I'm not being a Debbie Downer but he has made his feelings clear. Could you adopt a fourth?

TheEarthIsNotFlat · 19/03/2022 11:44

God no. Do you seriously want to have a minimum of a 10 year age gap between the youngest 1 (or 2) and the twins you have now. Just enjoy the kids you have now. You’ll have more money and time to do things as a family of 5 rather than a family of 7. Do you really fancy all those night feeds?!!

Pileonsally · 19/03/2022 12:27

What if your next baby has special needs? That would tip everything upside down and change everything you have. That would be my worry

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
SuperSocks · 19/03/2022 12:30

Honestly OP, leave it. Anything could happen - twins, triplets (!), birth injuries that affect you for life, death of you or the baby, a high-needs child, a healthy child that generates conflict and resentment within the family, it goes on. Not to mention the financial impact on your older ones - would they be able to attend all the after school clubs and school trips they want to if you have twins again? Would you be able to fully support them through further education and driving lessons? You have 3 healthy children. Be glad of that.

nearlyspringyay · 19/03/2022 12:32

I'd leave it, he's given his opinion and it's valid.

Ivyonafence · 19/03/2022 12:34

@Pileonsally

What if your next baby has special needs? That would tip everything upside down and change everything you have. That would be my worry
I don't understand this perspective. By this logic no one would have a second or third child ever for fear of special needs disrupting the family.
ParkheadParadise · 19/03/2022 12:37

My sister had 3 under 3 all boys. She got pregnant with No 4 unplanned and it was twins.
She spend years walking about in a daze all 5 were bloody wild 😂😂😂. You could always hear them before you saw them.
They are grown up now with kids of their own (1 set of twins so far)
All 5 of my nephews are close to their mum.

Frazzled2207 · 19/03/2022 12:38

Honestly i think 3 kids is more than enough given everything that’s going on in the world.

NeedleNoodle3 · 19/03/2022 12:45

I’d say go for it if your DP was in agreement but he isn’t so that’s that.

ColdSeptember · 19/03/2022 12:49

@NeedleNoodle3

I’d say go for it if your DP was in agreement but he isn’t so that’s that.
This. Respect his decision and enjoy what you have.
ChimneyPot · 19/03/2022 12:50

@Pileonsally

What if your next baby has special needs? That would tip everything upside down and change everything you have. That would be my worry
I was in a similar position. I had a single child closely followed by twins. DH didn’t want a 4th but I did and eventually he agreed. DS does have special needs, he is also amazing and totally completes our family.
MyDcAreMarvel · 19/03/2022 12:58

Statistically the chances of two sets of twins is still very low.

tcjotm · 19/03/2022 13:05

I don't understand this perspective. By this logic no one would have a second or third child ever for fear of special needs disrupting the family

@Ivyonafence. I think the difference is between really wanting a second or third and so being happy with the risk, and having three already and being certain you could only cope with one more (that was presumably healthy) when really they could end up with anything.

OP, I’m with your husband. He’s given a valid reason and if another set of healthy twins is his worst potential outcome, then things could actually end up a lot worse than that and what would that do to your existing kids?

SallyWD · 19/03/2022 13:08

No disrespect and I know we're all different but surely three's enough. I worry about my children's future given the state of the world (Climate change more than anything). The world can't cope with more people and I feel that with 2 children I've had my share. Four children is, in my opinion, excessive...

AntiHop · 19/03/2022 13:15

@SallyWD

No disrespect and I know we're all different but surely three's enough. I worry about my children's future given the state of the world (Climate change more than anything). The world can't cope with more people and I feel that with 2 children I've had my share. Four children is, in my opinion, excessive...
This, exactly
Gerbilteeth · 19/03/2022 13:17

Your children (like everyone else's) have a very very tough future ahead of them. Why do this to another child? Insane. How about thinking of the child itself?

Rrrob · 19/03/2022 13:20

I have non id twins. The chances are 1 in 12 of having another set. Only you and DH can make that call. Personally I wouldn’t want such a big age gap (with a singleton or multiples).

Ilovechoc12 · 19/03/2022 14:06

Will you get help from your husband?
Will you get help from close family?
Have you got enough cash?

Your older children will prob help you with the baby / b sitting a bit later on. Everyone loves a small child.

I’ve got 4 and unless I’ve got help onboard I wouldn’t do it ….. you can always get a van loads of space! Only you can decide…. Suppose it’s now or never. Good luck!

Ilovechoc12 · 19/03/2022 14:07

Or a Volvo / Merc loads of massive cars plus roof rack

Dinoteeth · 19/03/2022 14:23

Op I think a 10 year gap means you are really raising two separate families a family of 3 and an only child.

Days out and holidays will be difficult to plan trying to cater for teens and a preschooler. Even a trip to the cinema becomes a pain - big one wants to see a 12a, mean while little one is going to a U.

NowEvenBetter · 19/03/2022 14:27

What PPs said about thinking of kids futures on a fucked planet.

You’re not married? What legal and financial security do you have in place?

NeedleNoodle3 · 19/03/2022 16:23

Op I think a 10 year gap means you are really raising two separate families a family of 3 and an only child I really disagree with this , I have a 10 year gap and we are very much one big family. My DC are in their 20’s and 30’s now and are so close. In many ways closer than adult siblings who are a few years apart. It’s the same for my aunts and uncles who have similar gaps.

334bu · 19/03/2022 16:31

Statistically the chances of two sets of twins is still very low.

Actually it's not. As stated above minimum of one in 12 chance which could be greater if older mum and/or of Celtic origin

Dinoteeth · 19/03/2022 17:49

@NeedleNoodle3 I can get it once they are adults all being one big family but I'm in the thick of dealing with a 6 year gap. Two kids at very different stages - even a trip to the cinema is different films.

NeedleNoodle3 · 19/03/2022 17:53

Dinoteeth a 6 year gap sounds tricky, a 10 year one is easier in a way as you can drop a 12 year old off with a mate at the cinema, go to soft play with the toddler and then all have a McDonald’s together after.

Swipe left for the next trending thread