Want baby no4 but scared of twins again

[3kidsplus]

Hi myself & my partner have 3 kids already but really want a fourth. We have a 12yr old & then 9yr old non identical twins. After the twins were born we said no more as couldn’t risk twins again. I learnt to live with that but about 6 months ago decided that we were in a good enough place that if we got twins again then we would manage. We’ve just bought a house that we plan on converting the attic & partners car is up for renewal so we can upgrade to 7 seater. It felt right but we wanted to wait until now to start trying as we had other things planned. After thinking I’d never have another for the last 9 years, I’ve fallen in love with this idea of doing it all again but my partner has suddenly changed his mind & although he really wants a fourth he definitely doesn’t want 5. I’m absolutely gutted 😢 he says 5 will just be too much & he thinks it’ll affect the 3 we already have. We do have a good life, our kids don’t really want for anything & we travel a lot. We’d probably have to scale some things back but would our children resent us for having more. We travel to France in the car quite a bit & he thinks that even with a 7 seater we’ll struggle for space & the bigger kids will be squashed. I feel we’d just manage but am I being silly/selfish, should I just be grateful for what we have? Im just so upset & confused about what to do. I know he feels guilty about changing his mind & I know he’s probably considering giving in but I don’t want that knowing that if it is twins he might resent me or them

@Minniem2020

All these people saying it's madness etc having such a big age gap,starting again etc, how judgemental, just because it isn't something you would do. I must be completely bonkers then as I have a 15 year old, 4 year old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant with number 3.

Well yes basically because you’re soon gonna have somebody doing their GCSEs in a house with a newborn not very fair is it ?

@ChristmasTreeGorgeous

Planet be damned. You obviously love kids and want more. And why the hell not. Try to change his mind :)

Stupid advice

I have friends with a 10 year age gap. A lot of the time they live as 2 separate families. Dad goes to one set of activities with the older ones and Mum spends the day with the baby.

I had a similar family set up to you OP, a 12 year old and 8 year old twins, before I got pregnant with DC4. I had a overwhelming urge for another one. It was crazy as I was so relieved the twins were older and easier to deal with. I think it was because I didn’t particularly enjoy the twins (no help from anybody with them) and it was all a blur and chaos so I wanted another go, coupled with my age (38) .

I won’t deny it’s been hard as my oldest was a massive PITA as soon as puberty hit which happened literally straight DC4 was born and one of my twins was diagnosed with disabilities not long afterwards but DC4 has been an absolute delight and I thoroughly enjoyed his baby and toddlerhood after previously having twins. It was a breeze to bath, feed and change just one! He is now 11 and extremely ahead at everything, socially, academically, emotionally, due to his older siblings influences and exposure to their experiences. I do feel guilty that he’s a bit like an only child despite my older DC still all living at home but obviously having their own lives but he doesn’t seem affected.

I did have a massive wobble shortly after finding I was pregnant with him, that it would be twins again, I’m sure we would have coped though. DH wasn’t fully on board when I raised the possibility of DC4 (he looked at me as if I was mad) but he agreed we’d try for another one for 6 months and if it didn’t happen I’d have to get over it. It happened in the first month! He came round very quickly and has been much more hands on with DS3 than any of the others as not working as much.

Identical twins aren’t hereditary, I believe, only non-identical.

It’s one in a 250 chance

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/finding-out/pregnant-with-twins/

I think only you know hpw much you want more children and how well you'd cope with twins.

Imo 3 is already a large family and I'd accept your dh's views.

I'm fine with being judgemental. There's only so much to go round and it's not getting any better any time soon.

Where I live schools, surgeries, dentists and everything are so over subscribed it's painful. If everyone had 4 or 5 kids going through the system we'd be totally screwed.

But - if you're hell bent on this, I don't think a load of strangers in the internet are likely to change your mind and I wish you all the best.

As a PP said, at this stage in your life, what do you think a fourth child will bring that you don't currently have? Try to move on from this bout of broodiness rather than act upon it.

It's not so much the issue of whether it'd be twins again (statistically unlikely) it's more why the hell would you intentionally have a decade minimum age gap between your children? Even if you have the money and resources, you can't get away from the fact that it'll be like having two separate families with children at very different stages and with different emotional as well as physical needs. It sounds like the driving issue is that you want to do the whole baby thing again. The baby bit is a relatively tiny part of a life! Enjoy the family you already have. Before long your children will be hitting the teens and needing all the emotional support from mum and dad for that stage of their lives.
Anyway, your dh doesn't want to try for another child and that's a completely valid point of view

I think asking an online forum is always going to bring a lot of opinions. For lots of people 4 kids (or 5) kids would be a complete nightmare. I would imagine that the chances of twins would be pretty low but there is a chance it could happen. I think you need to look at the whole picture - could you cope with (probably) 4 children giving them all the time, love and attention that they need. I have 4 and it is wonderful but also challenging , hard work and expensive!! I wouldn't change a thing but for lots of my friends 4 children would impact too much on work, holidays and lifestyle etc...

I don't wish OP the best. This is ALL ABOUT HER and her current broodiness. What about the baby - being brought into the world as it is now, and only getting much worse over its lifetime? What about the siblings? What about the husband? To want to have a baby in these circumstances suggests an enormous ego.

I think @atotalshambles is right. These threads always create a mixed response based on peoples own personal opinions. Anyone who considers more than two children are often shot down in flames for being selfish and ruining the planet. But there are flip side arguments to this and the birth rate is dropping quite considerably and governments are starting to take this seriously as this in itself creates problems (Google and you'll see some recent articles). For every family considering 3 or more kids there will be families choosing not to have any or only 1.

If you feel you can manage 4 (or 5) kids, have the time, space, energy and finances then it's got to be a decision between you and your husband as to whether or not it's right for you. Other peoples circumstances/views probably aren't always that helpful as they may influence you in a way you might regret. I think it's a difficult decision when you're not on the same page as each other as there is a potential for resentment to build on one side which ever way you chose and you need to try and work through that. Hopefully you can come to the decision which is right for you and your family 💐

@MyDcAreMarvel

Statistically the chances of two sets of twins is still very low.

Not if from hyper ovulation, and maternal age increases it further.