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Original poster

Want baby no4 but scared of twins again

63 replies

3kidsplus · 19/03/2022 11:26

Hi myself & my partner have 3 kids already but really want a fourth. We have a 12yr old & then 9yr old non identical twins. After the twins were born we said no more as couldn’t risk twins again. I learnt to live with that but about 6 months ago decided that we were in a good enough place that if we got twins again then we would manage. We’ve just bought a house that we plan on converting the attic & partners car is up for renewal so we can upgrade to 7 seater. It felt right but we wanted to wait until now to start trying as we had other things planned. After thinking I’d never have another for the last 9 years, I’ve fallen in love with this idea of doing it all again but my partner has suddenly changed his mind & although he really wants a fourth he definitely doesn’t want 5. I’m absolutely gutted 😢 he says 5 will just be too much & he thinks it’ll affect the 3 we already have. We do have a good life, our kids don’t really want for anything & we travel a lot. We’d probably have to scale some things back but would our children resent us for having more. We travel to France in the car quite a bit & he thinks that even with a 7 seater we’ll struggle for space & the bigger kids will be squashed. I feel we’d just manage but am I being silly/selfish, should I just be grateful for what we have? Im just so upset & confused about what to do. I know he feels guilty about changing his mind & I know he’s probably considering giving in but I don’t want that knowing that if it is twins he might resent me or them

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 19/03/2022 18:09

Teenagers can be hard work, wouldn’t want to deal with teenagers and a young child/twins. Also they are expensive and need your attention

EllieQ · 19/03/2022 18:14

@Dinoteeth

Op I think a 10 year gap means you are really raising two separate families a family of 3 and an only child.

Days out and holidays will be difficult to plan trying to cater for teens and a preschooler. Even a trip to the cinema becomes a pain - big one wants to see a 12a, mean while little one is going to a U.

As someone who was the youngest sibling in this kind of situation (6 and 8 year gap), this is very true.

Even now we’re all in our forties/ fifties, there is still that gap and my sisters are closer to each other than I am to either of them. I actually often wished I’d been a twin so I had a sibling my own age!

whirlygirl · 19/03/2022 18:40

You're in the nicest bit of parenting right now imo. The age 5-12 years are comparatively easy.

With another you'll have teens and a newborn. You couldn't pay me to go through that. Such different but high needs.

Plus the environmental impact. Save some resources for other people.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
halfsiesonapotnoodle · 19/03/2022 18:53

Too many children. Quit while you're ahead. Planet cannot sustain everyone.

Gerbilteeth · 19/03/2022 19:06

My DD's boyfriend has 2 younger siblings with that age gap. He makes it very plain that he finds them complete bores / pains in the neck. Eg family games have to suit small children, they are naughty and whingy, etc etc. He's clearly unhappy with the family set-up.

Roselilly36 · 19/03/2022 19:27

I know someone who had triplets and then twins, it can happen.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2022 19:31

Three children is quite enough for anybody. I am glad this trend for big families has died out. The world is overpopulated.

MrsJBaptiste · 19/03/2022 19:38

Why on earth would you want an age gap of a 12(13) year old, 9(10) year old and a newborn(s)?

Yes you're broody, some people are. Sorry, you need to deal with it and move on. Three kids is more than enough.

TwilightSkies · 19/03/2022 19:44

Your older children will prob help you with the baby / b sitting a bit later on. Everyone loves a small child.

That’s just….not true at all!!

collieresponder88 · 19/03/2022 20:04

You would be mad. Why would you go right back to the start ? your life will start getting easier in the next few years you can have independence again. Also I don't think it's fair on the kids you have now. They will have less attention. I don't see what the obsession is to keep in reproducing

drpet49 · 19/03/2022 20:16

* What if your next baby has special needs? That would tip everything upside down and change everything you have. That would be my worry*

^This

RampantIvy · 19/03/2022 20:19

Hi myself & my partner have 3 kids already but really want a fourth

Why?
What is missing from your life? Why aren’t three children enough? Do you work?

I feel we’d just manage but am I being silly/selfish, should I just be grateful for what we have?

Yes and yes. Do you know how much teenagers cost, not just financially but mentally? Teenagers need you far, far more on an emotional level than a small child where a just a kiss and a cuddle makes things better.

You will have to deal with friendship issues, relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS, financial contributions towards university. Stop and think. You need to look ahead, not just at now and what you want, but what the implications are for your family and for your finances. You haven't thought this through at all, have you?

And you aren't even married to your partner. Are you financially independent?

Your older children will prob help you with the baby / b sitting a bit later on. Everyone loves a small child.

Utter nonsense! Not true at all.

LiveLaughaandLovehun · 19/03/2022 20:21

Why do you want 4 kids? Are your and your partner’s genes just so special they need to be replicated several times over?

Nothappyatwork · 19/03/2022 20:35

Number 4 was the final nail in my marriages coffin. The straw that broke the camel’s back. It was twins - he inisted i abort, we lost one, never the same. He wouldn’t have coped with 5. I hated him for it.

FartNRoses · 19/03/2022 20:36

What’s a fourth going to give you that the other three haven’t/can’t ?

I can understand the desire to have another when you have one and I can even understand it if you have two and want a third but I don’t understand why people want a fourth? Is it to even it out? Don’t get it…

shivawn · 19/03/2022 20:40

Wow a lot of judgement in this thread. I laughed out loud at the "Save some resources for other people" comment.

It's really between you and your husband to come to an agreement on whether you decide to try again or not. For what it's worth, I have a sister 9 years younger than me and 2 years younger and it's the youngest one that I have always been very close to. My husband has 9 older brothers, the oldest one is around 20 years older than him and the youngest of his brothers is 8 years older than him. They have always been a very close family.

FourChimneys · 19/03/2022 20:40

No, not a good idea. I used to know a woman who was broody after twins and planned another baby. It was triplets, two with SN.

As others have said, the planet does not need you to have any more children, sorry.

princesscallie · 19/03/2022 20:48

We have 2 kids that are now 8 and 6! We were finsihed but 2 years ago just at the beginning of the pandemic I really started to long for another baby. So much so that I had a physical ache. I pleaded with my husband to give in but he kept kicking the can down the road. Just after Christmas last year he did give in more due to the fact I was crying at him than him changing his mind. A month later he told me he didn't want to go through with it. I spent the night crying and was so upset and wondered how I'd ever get over it. The next morning we had a huge family tragedy. It gave me the kick in the ass I needed. I have a lovely family, home and we want for nothing. A year later I'm glad of his decision. The age gap would have been a big thing for me. My older 2 are best friends.

Also my husband is from a family of 4 with big age gaps. There's only 18 months between him and his older sibling but they are not close. There's 7 years between him and his next one again not close and almost 18 between him and his youngest sibling. She grew up like an only child in so many ways. The oldest 2 has d gone to college when she was born.

I know every family is different but I would worry if you push too hard and your husband gives in he could resent you in future if something goes wrong. Best of luck with your decision

TooMuchDogHair · 19/03/2022 20:51

My husband and I had twins and then another child after 9 years. Dd3 is basically an only child. It was like starting again, we'd forgotten everything after such a long time, and the loss of freedom was awful.
She doesn't have much of a relationship with her siblings either because by the time she got old enough to be interesting they were teenagers and off doing their own thing.
And then as it happens Dd3 has additional needs (though not severe) so we've never really got that freedom back again although she's older than the twins are when she was born.

ChristmasTreeGorgeous · 19/03/2022 21:02

Planet be damned. You obviously love kids and want more. And why the hell not. Try to change his mind :)

Kfjsjdbd · 19/03/2022 21:03

Honestly; I’m one of four. My parents (who were very very well off) didn’t have the time to give all of us enough attention. It’s not fair to your current children to have more.

MamaNeedsTea · 19/03/2022 21:10

If my husband wasn't on board that would be that for me. Nothing more to ponder about.

Sounds like you have a lovely family dynamic already, I wouldn't rock the boat.

Winkydink · 19/03/2022 21:16

Three children is plenty. Of course you want more - lots of people do. We wanted more than the two we had, but we decided to give them more attention and give the planet a break and put our wants to one side.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2022 21:23

Get a kitten

It’s sheer madness starting again after nearly a decade. The kids probably will resent it yes, because when they are teens the whole house will be working to a toddler’s schedule, you will have less time for them, family activities will be limited, and the gap will be too big for them to have much of a relationship.

Focus on the kids you have

Minniem2020 · 19/03/2022 21:41

All these people saying it's madness etc having such a big age gap,starting again etc, how judgemental, just because it isn't something you would do. I must be completely bonkers then as I have a 15 year old, 4 year old and I'm 37 weeks pregnant with number 3.