Only Children

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I know this topic has been done to death on the boards, but I really need some perspective.

I have a daughter, she is 3, she was premature and I had absolutely crippling PND and post natal OCD, I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through, thankfully now I am on medication and feeling a million times better and genuinely love being a parent now (I didn't for so long) and people are quite frequently asking now about us having another baby, and we are leaning towards not having any - when I say this people look at me like I have two heads!

I would like another baby, but the thought gives me anxiety because of how it went last time, I often think I would like another child, to put my last experience to bed, as my whole birth/post birth was such a negative experience. From a practical/pragmatic stance, I would like to stick with one, as we will manage nicely financially, our house is the perfect size for the three of us, and ideally I would like to re-train and do something different job wise, currently both myself and my husband are in ok jobs that we don't mind, but from a childcare perspective makes perfect sense.

I find I am made to feel guilty because I should be giving her a sibling that she will be lonely, or she will be 'spoiled' and all the other stereotypical stuff you hear. The one that got me the most and actually inspired me to make this thread, it will be unfair for us to leave everything to her if we become ill and need care (which we will make sure there is financial provision for this) and again when we pass away - that she will have no-one, and this made me a bit sad.

Are they correct, will I be causing her problems if she doesn't have any siblings? I know that question sounds really dramatic but its how I am made to feel sometimes. Does anyone have any experience of this and how I handle the conversations?

I have only ds....now 20 he thrived in childhood and he is now thriving in adulthood. He would have liked a brother or sister but he didn't dwell on it. To be honest the quality of what we could give him made up for it in many ways. He has a wide circle of friends. Many brothers and sisters don't get on myself included...it is not the bee all and end all. Have a child if you want one...don't if you don't....

She will be fine and other people are welcome to have as many children as they wish. There is no correct number of children.

Who knows you could have another child and they absolutely hate each other. You'll be judged for that too so pick your poison really

I have known several only children and they are all fine. Their parents made sure that they had lots of contact with cousins and were very welcoming of friends. There is no guarantee that one’s DC will look after you in old age or even visit you and there’s definitely no guarantee that they will like each other.

I am an only child. I am not spoilt, there was no spare money to spoil me anyway.

Load of nonsense that she'll have "no one" if you pass away. She might have a partner and children! If my mum passed away I'd have my DS, my extended family, all my friends. Many people live miles away from their parents and hardly ever see them.

DH and his sister are pretty much estranged,. FIL is currently ill and it's all falling to DH because his sister is (to be fair) fully taken up with a serious problem in her own family. So he gets no practical or emotional support from his sibling.

My sister and I fought like cat and dog growing up. We get on great now but she lives overseas so I would be taking on most of the practical stuff if our parents fall ill.

DS is an only. We'll simply be doing everything possible to ensure he has a good network of friends for emotional support, and we'll try as far as possible to avoid relying on him for practical support. We're not worried.

I am an only child and I was very lonely throughout childhood and still find it hard to relate to other people as an adult. I also have hardly any relationship with any of my extended family as they did not live close by.

Neither of my parents had spare time to interact with me and I found it hard to make friends as anyone I did make friends with moved out of the area within a year or two of becoming friends with me.

I think that if you you are going to stick with one, you are really going to need to put a lot of effort in with making playdates and interacting a lot more with your child than if you have two as most of the time where just won't be anyone else for them to talk to or play with.

People should not be considering their old age care when having children. I will definitely not burden mine, I will either be independent or ina home. You won't do your child any damage by only having one. Many parents spoil all their children regardless of how many they have. You just need to decide with your husband what is right for you and your family.

I was also an only child by the way and never felt lonely.

My cousin was an only child and has had 4 children of her own. She hated her childhood even though her parents felt they “gave her all their attention / money / whatever else peoples reasons are”
To her parents she had a great childhood but she was adamant she would never only have 1.

I don’t know any other only children so can only give this example.

We have an only DC and he is confident, outgoing and has a wide circle of friends. My DM is an only DC - she is late 80s but has so many friends, acquaintances & interests - she is the complete opposite to a "lonely old person".

Just because you have siblings doesn't mean that you get on with them or that they will share the care of elderly parents.

Some people are good at making friends and building relationships - and I really don't think it's relevant as to whether you have siblings or not.

I do feel sorry for these kids with siblings who seem to be raised in a bubble with no friends or extended family, and then no partner or spouse or family of their own as they get older. It must take a terrible toll.

But no, seriously. As pp have said there is no correct number of children to have and its not your responsibility to be your child's entertainment officer!

You sound like a very loving and caring mum and whether your daughter turns our to be an introvert or an extrovert a contented and secure childhood will give her the best foundation to be the person she wants to be.

I'm an only child. I don’t ‘have no one.’ For one I have my own child and I have a wonderful husband. I also have a family of friends within whom there is mutual love and respect.

When my parents die I do feel sad that there is no one to share that with, as it were, but I also like the fact that there is no one in my life, aside from my parents, who I “have to” love or spend time with or make effort with. I see people not getting along with their siblings a lot of the time, in fact it's not unusual for me to know someone who doesn't even speak to their sibling. Then there's the comparing to their siblings I see some of my friends do and it drives them wild too!

Being a parent of an only child it really gives me the ability to devote time to her. Our bond is brilliant and therefore my ability to get through to her and level with her is increased, in my view. I'm not running around in different directions. I work from home and can get so much done whilst spending quality time with my 6 year old. I absolutely love my life the way it is and another baby would remove this from me and really it's not what's best for our family because of this.

Point being that there are pros and cons with both situations and no one can say having a siblings is objectively better or worse and therefore you should do what is best in your situation.

Lastly, this idea that only children are worse off; where does it come from exactly? We’re absolutely fine and always have been and always will be. There is no mass injustice being put upon us as questions like this seem to suggest. I'm fine! Lol so is my daughter.

I am an only child and hated it as a child although I had a lovely childhood and great relationships with both parents. I was often lonely especially on holiday, and also felt different to my friends who almost all had siblings.

It doesn’t bother me now at all though but I do wonder how I’ll feel when my mum dies (dad died when I was younger), and I’ll have to sort everything out on my own although as an extended family we are close so I’ll have help there.

My own experience was the driving force behind me having 2 children myself!

I did have one friend growing up though who was also an only child and she loved it, so everyone’s different!

I'm an only child. I wasn't spoiled, lonely or unable to share things.

DS is an only. It's exactly the same for him.

DH has three brothers. He only gets on well with one of them. One he can't stand & the other he finds very annoying, taking advantage of MIL.

No one can predict how an individual child will feel about the number of siblings they do or don't have as every family is different

We can only hope to do the best by our children, how every many that is.

I was/am an only child.
I had a great childhood but found it difficult to relate to my peers as I spent most of my time with adults ( parents/aunts/grandparents/older teen cousins).
I felt 'different' to my classmates.
As a teenager I felt very awkward going through puberty and adolescence and I always felt all eyes were on me as my parents had no one else to share the attention with iyswim. It was an uncomfortable time.
Now I'm older and I'm have my own dc I would love for them to have an aunt or an uncle on 'my side' and maybe cousins. Sadly my family is small.
Often feel that once my parents and I have gone my dc won't have anyone left really from my family as extended family don't really have much to do with us (especially the younger generation).

My friend is an only child as she was adopted. It has affected her life quite deeply as she was very lonely and to find she had real siblings when she found her birth family completely changed her perspective, she is so much happier now.

But she didn’t grow up with them. That causes a lot of issues at time, my eldest is 6 years older than his brother and would prefer to go back to being an only!

I am an only and have been fine. Not spoiled really, very independent and still like my own company. I think people judge because often only children do get more time and money because there is only one. My cousin who is one of 4 still harps on about how much I had, which although my parents had the same money as hers, my parents only had me and not 4 to buy for. What I would say to you is that I also had a traumatic first birth with ds and it took me 5 years to begin to consider a second. I then had another ds and a lovely birth. So heal first and do not rush.

While I do have a sister I wouldn’t say I grew up with her, she is 8 years older, so there weren’t lots of playing together or shared experiences.

We now live in two different countries and due to lots of issues have only a very loose relationship, I haven’t seen her in 12 years.

DD is an only child. While I wasn’t as bad as you, my PND definitely shaped my view to keep DD an only child.

We made a conscious effort to enable her to make friends, encourage group activities and I would say she is a well rounded teen when it comes to meeting other, being open while an introvert by nature, and quite independent.

The financial side of reduced costs esp. childcare and no need to move to a larger house/extended significantly also played a role, no doubt.

Both DS and I are only children.

With DS I had an open door policy to friends coming over/staying - got him bunk beds so it wasn’t an issue. Made sure we’ve had good broadband so he can play games online. Had extra food in for visiting children. Stuff like that.

He’s 18 now, nice and independent. (Still plays games online with his friends…)

I always post on these threads ❤️

I'm a very happy only child with a very happy only child. She's 8 and a delight and the love of my life.

My husband has a brother who he loathes who he hasn't spoke to in 29 years. A sibling is no guarantee.

I always try and reply on these threads too as I absolutely tortured myself over our decision to stick with one.

I can hand on heart say that DS is a very happy, well adjusted 13 year old. He's loving life and never ever says he wants a sibling, in face it's quite the opposite. Just the other day I was driving him and his mates into town and they were all saying they were jealous of DS for being an only child.

What I will say is that I do think it's very important to give them lots of opportunities to have company. For us, this was whole class parties (to get to know the mums), lots of play dates, open house to the kids in the street, lots of after school activities etc. Obviously only if your child is into that kind of thing!

Now stop thinking, just go and enjoy your DC and when she starts school put your energy into her friendships. She'll be grand. A happy healthy mum is far more vital to a child's wellbeing than a sibling. They need you on good form.

KylieCharlene I think only children are far more common now. DS knows quite a lot of only children. As parents were also trying to back off now he's reached his teens, he needs some space and we've always made an effort with his cousins so he feels he has family. I think feeling as you do can be avoided to a certain degree by adjusting your parenting to having an only child.

As a pp said, only children are far more common now than a generation or two ago. So people commenting negatively are probably thinking of the one or two they knew growing up. Now it's much less a thing to be remarked upon or considered unusual. She'll be fine OP!

I have only child
She would absolutely love someone to play with
But I think it's luck of the drawer whether you'd get siblings who get on and want to play or not

I don't know why people beat themselves up about this 'issue'
There are ups and downs to both
Who's to say that people who are lonely as an only child wouldn't have hated their sibling etc?
You just don't know how life will go either way
If you only want one for whatever reason then only have one