Only Children

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I know this topic has been done to death on the boards, but I really need some perspective.

I have a daughter, she is 3, she was premature and I had absolutely crippling PND and post natal OCD, I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through, thankfully now I am on medication and feeling a million times better and genuinely love being a parent now (I didn't for so long) and people are quite frequently asking now about us having another baby, and we are leaning towards not having any - when I say this people look at me like I have two heads!

I would like another baby, but the thought gives me anxiety because of how it went last time, I often think I would like another child, to put my last experience to bed, as my whole birth/post birth was such a negative experience. From a practical/pragmatic stance, I would like to stick with one, as we will manage nicely financially, our house is the perfect size for the three of us, and ideally I would like to re-train and do something different job wise, currently both myself and my husband are in ok jobs that we don't mind, but from a childcare perspective makes perfect sense.

I find I am made to feel guilty because I should be giving her a sibling that she will be lonely, or she will be 'spoiled' and all the other stereotypical stuff you hear. The one that got me the most and actually inspired me to make this thread, it will be unfair for us to leave everything to her if we become ill and need care (which we will make sure there is financial provision for this) and again when we pass away - that she will have no-one, and this made me a bit sad.

Are they correct, will I be causing her problems if she doesn't have any siblings? I know that question sounds really dramatic but its how I am made to feel sometimes. Does anyone have any experience of this and how I handle the conversations?

Honestly...my DH is an only and my god it shows. Medically and financially if you are able I do always think it's better to have siblings than not

Please ignore anyone who spouts this "poor only child" bullshit. I'm an only, I had a brilliant childhood, I was never lonely, I was not spoiled, I am not clingy, and I never once wanted a sibling. I'm sick to death of hearing this nonsense.

Siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be. I know a lot of people who are no contact with siblings, including me, or live so far away they have no relationship.
You make your decision for you. Your daughter will be just fine.

Just find a big family to make friends. My best friend was an only child, I loved her house for space, she loved visiting me for chaos. I am sticking with one child and am just make the effort with playdates etc. Nursery also makes it easier.

I feel like you should make a pros and cons list - as there are issues with both. I definitely know some only children who lacked the opportunity to learn how to resolve daily conflicts with other children (in my view friends and cousins are absolutely not the same) and it is apparent in their interactions. I also know children with siblings who resent their siblings terribly and also never really learned to resolve conflict well, and feel they missed out on things from their parents. Whatever you do you will make it work and your child/ren will be loved, the fact you care so much about this issue shows that you will respond sensitively to either situation.

Dd1 was an only child.
Dd2 is an only child
I've never heard of any problems with being an only except on MN 🤷‍♀️

I am one of 6.
When my mum was unwell with dementia was the worst time for fighting and arguing between us all.
It would have been so much easier to be an only child.

The right size family is the size that is right for your family. Other people's stereotypical views about only children shouldn't get a look-in. Having siblings is no guarantee of a happy childhood. Not having siblings is no guarantee of a happy childhood. It's all the other things that you and your DH will bring to your DD that will make her childhood and set her up for adulthood. You could raise her in a way that would lead to her fitting the "spoilt only child with no social skills" stereotype, but from your post, it doesn't sound like you will!

I'm an only (and so are my parents - so our branch of the family is v small).

I was fine as a child. When i was little i liked having lots of friends but liked the fact that my toys were my own and i could look after them. My friends with brothers and sisters always had half their stuff missing or broken!

As an adult - well it would be nice to share memories of growing up, and share the burden of my elderly mother (she's not easy) but i've known many people who have an awful relationship with their siblings and you often see only one child stepping up to care for parents.

Me? I've had 4 kids.

There's no right or wrong OP.

You really need to stop overthinking this and dwelling on the "what ifs..." There are thousands of only children in the world - I and my late mother being two of them - and they manage. Yes, I had to deal with my mother when she needed care, I dreaded it but it turned out to be relatively easy (and I am totally alone when it comes to that sort of thing, no partner, no children and my parents were divorced). I also have friends who had to deal with the same issues and had to do it mostly alone due to being the only family member living near their parent/s. Having siblings doesn't mean they are always going to be available to do their share. My exDH and his brother haven't spoken a word to each other for over 20 years - that's going to be interesting when decisions need to be made about their parents.

Just enjoy your child and stop worrying. Incidentally, I love being an only child and don't remember ever wishing I wasn't one.

I sympathise OP; for some reason the ‘Lonely Only’ stereotype really is the stigma that refuses to die.

DD (4) is an only and likely to stay that way. She also has no cousins and little extended family. Our decision to stick with one has been about 80% personal choice and 20% age and medical issues (I would need surgery before having any further children, which really focuses the mind on whether you really want them!).

I’d be lying if I claimed I’d never doubted our decision, but on reflection I’ve concluded that the vast majority of the uncertainty I’ve felt has been societal pressure. Even in our supposedly ‘anything goes’ society it can be very difficult to diverge from the norm, and one child families have traditionally not been ‘normal’.

I’ve also realised that women can do no right when it comes to their reproductive choices. Almost anything can be deemed ‘selfish’. One-child families get criticised; large families get criticised; child-free women get criticised… Two children are just about acceptable I suppose, providing there’s a small age gap and you have one of each sex.

But peer pressure, societal stereotypes and accusations of selfishness are not good reasons to have another child if you’re not certain you want one, or feel another child would put excessive strain on your mental health or relationships. Neither is wanting to give your existing child a sibling; it’s a very laudable aim but as many PPs have said there are no guarantees with siblings. My own brother emigrated to Canada; DP’s sibling lives locally but they’re not close; several friends of ours have had second children who turned out to be profoundly disabled and so on.

We will be sticking to our guns with our lovely, well adjusted only, and I hope that as the number of only children increases the judgement and stereotypes will start to die away, as IMO the negative perceptions around only children are far more damaging than the reality.

I am one of 3 my eldest brother got everything and me and my other brother got nothing, I spent my childhood wishing the eldest was not there. I am now no contact with either of them. My farther is very old and I’m the only one who helps him.
My DH is one of 3, he is no contact with his siblings.
We have an only, school have not provided any catch up after covid, because we only have one we can pay for private tutors to help her.

I have a 14yo only. I said recently that I was sorry she never a sibling (IVF, she’s aware). It was her doing the two heads look! Doesn’t want one. And to be fair - has never asked for one.

As to the future…

Well, my parents have 4. One is and will always be no use to them ever, he’s just a totally selfish arsehole. One is no contact. One lives at home (she’s 53, parents 80s) and enjoys being with them. The final one visits often. You just don’t know what you get! More children is no guarantee.

My most close and loving relationships from my friendship group, with parents, are a set of 3 sisters and… 2 only children.

Only children do not know any different, and those with engaged parents will have a better time than many children with siblings. However, my children are very close to each other, and the middle one in particular is fascinated that some children do not have siblings. She can't fathom being the only child in the house. You have to do what is right for your family, you included.

I’m an only child for medical reasons and our DS is because I felt I was too old to try for another.

The image of the lonely, spoilt only child really riles me - any child can be either of these things. Only have another baby because you want one, not because you worry that your DD will be lonely or carry the old-age responsibility for you later on.

'**it will be unfair for us to leave everything to her if we become ill and need care (which we will make sure there is financial provision for this) and again when we pass away - that she will have no-one'

I have 3 siblings neither of them bother with me since I became disabled, I may as well be an only child. They all always said my parents care would be up to me to sort out because they don't have the time /patience etc.. I already am on my own but that doesn't matter, you can choose who you surround yourself with. Do what's best for you and your family not what society thinks is best.
When I became disabled my 3 dc became young carers all under aged 10, you don't know what's around the corner you may need care tomorrow or you may never need it.
When I was in a health care profession I saw many people who had multiple children it was always left to one child to take the burden.
On another note maybe discussing the birth/pnd with a professional may help (not for everyone I know - it didn't help me after a traumatic birth but helped after my disability sometimes we need to be ready to process things).

I have one. His friends with siblings love getting away from and are frequently found at our house.

My son has 3 best friends at school and all are only children ..I think there are about 5 just in his class. v common.

I have noticed they all without exception are very bright and this I presume is down to just getting so much parental attention. They are all good kids and hasn't stopped them being very sociable and friendly.

I think it was particularly tough for them all during lockdown I will say

Both my elderly parents are onlies - and they’ve managed to navigate adulthood just fine!!

I have an only who is neither lonely or spoilt and is happy to be an only.

I'm an only, my son is an only. It's absolutely fine. I wasn't spoiled, my parents were actually very strict and we didn't have the money for lots of material possessions.

My dad's left dealing with his aged mum because he brother moved to Australia. There are no guarantees siblings will get on or be helpful in your old age. And your son will likely have a family of his own, or at least a network of friends, by the time you die.

A lot of negative comments I've received about my only child seem to stem from jealousy. Friends will ask if i find our quiet house odd and how they enjoy the hustle and bustle of 'normal' family life. I just grin because I know they are trying to justify their choices to themselves. My child has a lot of only child friends and they're all perfectly happy and functioning.

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me, definitely given me food for thought! My daughter is a very happy confident little girl already and I'm so proud of her, I have absolutely no concerns about her. Bugs me that people thought bk it's appropriate to ask such invasive questions.

I agree OP, it's so rude. Twice IRL I've had women, other mothers, be really quite combative about how one child families miss out and they couldn't do that to their kids. First one was when I'd returned to work following a miscarriage, second time when I was on a waiting list for a hysterectomy.

You can imagine how that made me feel, people suck, and they should know better and they do, but they can't help themselves.

@yayforsun jealous of what? Not being goady, just genuinely wondering.

I’m an only.

Form strong relationships with people around me. Great empathy. I know how to share (in fact I make sure my husband and parents have what they need before I even think of myself).

I didn’t miss having a sibling. It was easier for my parents too - I got to pick activities I wanted to do and invest time in my interests without it becoming a military operation for my parents. Life was easy going and wasn’t as stressed as my husbands upbringing (1 or 5).

It’s common and it’s what you make of it. Like everything in life. Love her, cherish her and don’t worry about expectations. My mum didn’t have another one because of anxiety and worrying about providing for another. Do what is right for you. Kids are resilient.

OP, there is lots of research that suggests that outcomes are actually better for only children in many ways, and that happiness declines a little with each additional sibling. But few parents agonise over whether they will damage their eldest child by having another.

Your child will be fine as an only. It isn't a big deal.