Only Children

[Mulhollandmagoo]

I know this topic has been done to death on the boards, but I really need some perspective.

I have a daughter, she is 3, she was premature and I had absolutely crippling PND and post natal OCD, I honestly didn't think I was going to make it through, thankfully now I am on medication and feeling a million times better and genuinely love being a parent now (I didn't for so long) and people are quite frequently asking now about us having another baby, and we are leaning towards not having any - when I say this people look at me like I have two heads!

I would like another baby, but the thought gives me anxiety because of how it went last time, I often think I would like another child, to put my last experience to bed, as my whole birth/post birth was such a negative experience. From a practical/pragmatic stance, I would like to stick with one, as we will manage nicely financially, our house is the perfect size for the three of us, and ideally I would like to re-train and do something different job wise, currently both myself and my husband are in ok jobs that we don't mind, but from a childcare perspective makes perfect sense.

I find I am made to feel guilty because I should be giving her a sibling that she will be lonely, or she will be 'spoiled' and all the other stereotypical stuff you hear. The one that got me the most and actually inspired me to make this thread, it will be unfair for us to leave everything to her if we become ill and need care (which we will make sure there is financial provision for this) and again when we pass away - that she will have no-one, and this made me a bit sad.

Are they correct, will I be causing her problems if she doesn't have any siblings? I know that question sounds really dramatic but its how I am made to feel sometimes. Does anyone have any experience of this and how I handle the conversations?

I have an only dc. I don't feel guilty. She was such hard work it out me off
She's now 9 and extremely sociable has lots of friends and she does have a lot more 'stuff' than other dc but we teacher her that things are never as important as friends and family. I haven't heard anything to the tune of her being spoilt and she certainly knows how to share.

If anything she knows more than most that not sharing results in no friends and as an only dc she's decided she'd rather have friends than no one.
If you have another for you or to complete your family that's nice but don't have one simply to give your current dc a sibling because there's no guarantee they'll even like each other.

I really think that you have to put yourself first in this equation. Given everything you went through personally I think not doing it again makes total sense. A sibling isn't a guarantee to happiness to any child so I think take the emotions out of it and think what is best for you. You are the adult it's your choice and life and you have to decide.

We have a teen only & she's wonderful. She's very sociable with a great circle of friends..She's always enjoyed our open door approach to her friends since she was tiny but also always appreciated the calm when everyone was gone & the house was back to just us.
We're able to bring her friends on holidays with us & they have the best time.
She's very smart & polite & interesting & well able to hold her own in a conversation. She's great company & over the years she's always been far more able to share than many of her friends from larger families
I've observed a very interesting phenomenon when they were between 8 - 13 ish where the kids with siblings who 'had' to share at home really tried out being 'top dog' in their friendships with dd. They wanted to call all the shots & control the games / toys & it was interesting to observe. Dd wasn't hugely phased as she knew the toys / games would be here once they went home do she always acquiesced

One ex friend in particular was the only girl of 4 siblings. At home it was a case of dinner on the table- come & eat or her brothers would eat it for her. Her mother insisted that she was not fussy & ate everything. In our house she started trying out being fussy & refusing food i knew she ate at home. She became quite jealous of dd & started being really mean to her & the friendship died out. But her reaction & interaction was v interesting to me & she wasn't the only one. We saw a fair bit of middle children asserting themselves as the dominant one. We talked about it a lot with dd as she was trying to figure out dynamics in friendships. They're all 16 / 17 now & have all grown out of it & some of them are her best friends now
I don't worry for her being an only child my only wish is that she is happy & loved & I would wish that for any child of mine no matter how many I had
I have a sibling I didn't grow up close to due to being v different & a large age gap
Dh is one of 5 & not close at all with any o them

DS is an only child. He is absolutely fine. He has lots of friends and plays with them all the time, but he is happy to entertain himself too. We don't have issues with him being unable to share or other myths that surround only children because he has his friends to work the balance out with. He is no more 'spoiled' than any of his friends are.
We made the choice for personal, and physical reasons which are no ones business. But like you I was regularly questioned on our choices (DH never was). When I really thought about it I found that those that were aghast at the thought of us choosing to have one child were sometimes projecting some regret at their choice to have more and the restrictions that has put on their lives financially, professionally and personally.

Do what is right for your family and circumstances, you have to live with your choices and you don't have to justify them to anyone. Stop discussing it with others, just shut them down when they ask if you'll have another ('We're happy with just the one', 'This way we outnumber him/her, ha ha! Or if they are persistent and making you feel bad: 'We got it right the first time, DC is great!') They'll leave you alone eventually, but be warned, it takes years!

My dd is an only not through choice, sadly she has ASD and struggles majorly with friendships, I feel so guilty that I haven't given her a sibling. It's fine if you have a confident, outgoing child but that's not always the case.

@TheWeeDonkey

I agree OP, it's so rude. Twice IRL I've had women, other mothers, be really quite combative about how one child families miss out and they couldn't do that to their kids. First one was when I'd returned to work following a miscarriage, second time when I was on a waiting list for a hysterectomy.

You can imagine how that made me feel, people suck, and they should know better and they do, but they can't help themselves.

It is always other mother's yes! And I find myself getting flustered and trying to justify my choice, I think sometimes that's why having another child plays on my mind - deep down both myself and my husband are confident we are happy with just the one. I never ask anyone else as I know it's quite an intrusive question, I feel sad that people say these things to women who have suffered losses or are struggling to conceive as that must be really painful.

We got it right the first time, DC is great!

@Throwntothewolves this is brilliant! I'll be using this one.

Just to add no need to worry DC will have no one if/when parents pass away is unfounded. From experience in the extended family, the siblings' fights and squabbles over inheritance is worse.

@100problems

I have one. His friends with siblings love getting away from and are frequently found at our house.

Same with us! Our Neighbour has three boys. Their house is absolute chaos. Their eldest son spends loads of time at ours because it's quiet and peaceful!

We have one through choice. I miscarried a planned DC2 but realised afterwards that one is best for us.

He’s 8. Happy, confident, articulate. We have a good balance as a family. DH and I take him on holiday separately as well as having family holidays. We also get to do our own thing more.

I'm one of four children...and we are not close at all! None of us speak (not fallen out...we just don't have anything in common, live many miles apart and since our parents died have not been in contact...it is what it is 🤷‍♀️)

We weren't close as children to be fair...and as soon as we all left home, that was pretty much it! I'm now late 50s and the last time I spoke with a sibling was at my dad's funeral 8 years ago.

Having siblings is not a guarantee of 'happy families'.

I'm much closer to my two cousins who are more like sisters to me.

Don't feel pressured into this just to provide a sibling OP.