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Original poster

Anyone have 2 DC and no additional family support?

58 replies

BorisGotAwayWithItAgain · 17/03/2022 21:05

We have one toddler and hoping to have another baby (I'm 40 so need to move quickly). However we have zero wider family support, no grandparents or aunts / uncles able to help look after our DD (and had no bubble during pandemic) so my DD has only ever been looked after by DH or me. She has only just started nursery part-time and so it's been a slog.

I just wonder how those with no wider family to help out with babysitting manage to find any headspace or time as a couple? Obviously childcare, but how do you organise your time? Notwithstanding the childcare needed to work etc. I'm worried as we never get a break or time alone and I feel we need to make sure we get that otherwise I think we could combust!

OP posts:
florianfortescue · 17/03/2022 21:08

I'm in this position. I don't really have an answer. DH and I are like ships in the night most days as we tag team looking after our toddler and newborn. It is exhausting and relentless but it won't be forever. As you say, childcare is really the only solution - finding someone who loves looking after kids and who your children like spending time with. The holy grail! We're not there yet.

usernamealreadytaken · 17/03/2022 21:10

We never had any family support. If we wanted to go out, which was rare, we hired a babysitter but it was difficult as the children got older due to SEN. Good luck x

NerrSnerr · 17/03/2022 21:12

We don't have much time out as a couple but that's mainly because we're too tight to pay a babysitter. When both children were at nursery we'd take an annual leave day together a few times a year. Now we sometimes go for lunch on my day off when the children are at school.

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LemonDrizzles · 17/03/2022 21:12

Childcare, babysitters.

When dc1 was a baby, I organised a street party. Hired an all day babysitter the day before so I could prep food. She arrived, was so good, I took a 30 min nap. I still think about that nap!

Because of lockdown, didn't do that for dc2 but in the back of my mind thought I might treat myself to a babysitter to do some house things.

Also with dc1, just dc1 and myself went down to ikea to buy a very large mirror. I think he was 5 months. Still don't quite know how we did it!

You find a way!

Ellopet · 17/03/2022 21:13

Yep, same, two children and zero assistance outside of nursery whilst we work. It's tough. Very tough. No quality time as a couple. Just about able to send the other one off to relax solo or with friends but unsure when we will have the luxury of doing things as a couple. Yes, we could hire a babysitter but youngest doesn't sleep easily so too much to ask of someone now, plus not fair on the children.

MandUs · 17/03/2022 21:13

2 DC, no family in this country. It was hard when they were little. Marriage failed. It was like we were only parents, not a couple anymore.

DC are now primary school age and I'm in a happy relationship. Again, zero time without DC apart from when they are in school but that is when we work. It's still different somehow. Sleepovers at friends will be more a thing in the next few years I suspect.

Riceycakes · 17/03/2022 21:14

I have three. We’ve not had an evening out since the eldest was born. We don’t get any time alone together unless we book a day off work while they’re in childcare. There is literally no break and I really envy people who do have family to help out.

HyggeTygge · 17/03/2022 21:14

Not really got any support locally, but my parents have babysat once or twice (youngest is 4).

It wasn't a big deal for us, we spend time together at home or go out for a nice lunch, I think the early years are always gonna be tough with no sleep and you have to manage that yourselves really because ime although visits from GPs are nice they don't really tackle the lack of sleep oe relentless day-to-day drudgery that made everything so tough!

Xmasbaby11 · 17/03/2022 21:15

We have 2dc and no family support. It's hard. We've never had a child free night away and dd1 is 10!

You just have to get really robust childcare in place.

Original poster
BorisGotAwayWithItAgain · 17/03/2022 21:16

And how do you go about finding a decent babysitter who your dc will trust? Confused

OP posts:
HyggeTygge · 17/03/2022 21:17

What helped was finding a small group of mums locally with same age kids. That's who usually babysits if we ever go out, and playdates, seeing at the park, going to baby groups etc all together means the littlies get to know them really well. Depends on the community you live in though, would've been harder in our previous city.

Ghostmooncup · 17/03/2022 21:18

It's hard. Doable, but hard.

Take days off when they are nursery. Same for medical/ dental appointments.

Hire a babysitter and hope they are reliable.

Accept it will be hard with few breaks for the first few years.

Share the load with your partner

Lower your standards - cleaning etc.

It's worth it. My 2dc love each other so much it's lovely to see.

HyggeTygge · 17/03/2022 21:18

Also if they go to preschool or nursery sometimes their key workers will babysit (outside of nursery relationship).

I never bothered getting a babysitter with young baby, we just never went out together, went out individually with friends instead.

ToastieSnowy · 17/03/2022 21:19

Babysitters.

Also make friends with mums from playgroups, then nursery, then primary school as then you can have reciprocal play dates or sleepovers once they’re old enough.

NerrSnerr · 17/03/2022 21:19

@BorisGotAwayWithItAgain

And how do you go about finding a decent babysitter who your dc will trust? Confused
Nursery staff or older teenage children of people i have met locally at toddler groups (mainly childminders)
OrianaBanana · 17/03/2022 21:19

2 DC and no family support. We just don’t go out together Confused I envy those with family nearby, and grandparents who have a relationship with the DC, so much.

dizzygirl1 · 17/03/2022 21:20

This is me. I'm now single and DC are teens. Never had any help from anyone. We never had nights out (less than 5 over 15 years) but maybe that's why I'm now single?

Rinatinabina · 17/03/2022 21:21

In same situation but we have stopped at 1 as I really don’t think we have the capacity for anymore, Dh a bit older though (I think I’m more tired) we don’t really have ad-hoc vetted babysitters where I live so not an option. Looking forward to Dd’s first overnight trip (according to school website that will be in 7 years) 🙄.

AHungryCaterpillar · 17/03/2022 21:22

I have 4 kids with no family support and no partner, how do I get time to myself. Well I don’t, I wouldn’t leave my kids with a babysitter I didn’t know though so no nights off for me. Haven’t had a night off in over 5 years.

canicross · 17/03/2022 21:23

@BorisGotAwayWithItAgain

And how do you go about finding a decent babysitter who your dc will trust? Confused
Ask at the nursery. It's quite likely some of the staff will offer babysitting. That's what I did, and it worked well as dc knew and trusted the sitters.
Petrarkanian · 17/03/2022 21:23

We have no family within 200 miles. I made friends through pre school and we babysat for each other.

EcoCustard · 17/03/2022 21:23

I have 4dc close in age (4 under 4 at one point) and no family support. We have had little to no time since Dc1 came along and are just beginning to get a little. We either have a little time when all at school or nursery and are work/study allows. We occasionally use a babysitter. Our trusted sitter is one of the young ladies who worked at the preschool & nursery they attended. She knew us, the kids knew her, trusted her & liked her. She no longer works there but we still use her for an odd few hours out in the evening. She uses the cash to pay for her driving lessons.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/03/2022 21:24

Babysitters, friends, neighbours.

I had a little circle going with 2 of my friends on mat leave. We'd meet three times a week - 2 of us would watch all 3s dc, the other would go out. So each of us got a few hours out solo each week, whilst the other two had a coffee and a natter.

PiesNotGuys · 17/03/2022 21:26

3DC, my parents are dead, sibling lives at the other end of the country. I was a single parent to dc1 for several years so only I looked after her, not me and a DH just me.

Now DH has a large, multigenerational but disinterested family, they all have multiple small children of their own and very different parenting styles to us, so childcare or favours have never been on the cards.

The answer to all of your questions here has always been friends.

I babysit for my friends, including those with several children, including those with co-sleeping and or breastfed babies, weaning babies,, overnight and at weekends and at a minutes notice and indefinitely for hospital stays and whatever is needed. I do exactly what is asked of me and don’t try to interfere which Is more than can be said for most family members as far as I can make out.

They babysit for me. Now my oldest DC is old enough to babysit, she babysits for them, and me, and earns good money doing it.

I’ve always wondered why babysitting is a family or paid stranger affair. Friends are the way forward. In addition I have great relationships with many of the DC as they’ve got older.

Friends. Babysitting circles. Tokens. Whatever you need, create it.

irregularegular · 17/03/2022 21:29

My kids are older now. We didn't any family close by enough for regular babysitting (we did have a handful of nights/weekends away in total over the years). When the children were still at the baby/toddler stage we paid the nursery staff to babysit. Also our cleaner sometimes (though she turned out to be a bit too nervous!). Once they were pre-school/infant age we joined a local baby-sitting circle to exchange babysitting favours. Later on we gradually moved more to just paying teenage babysitters. Often we knew their parents, so they acted as back up cover if something was to go wrong.