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Original poster

Anyone have 2 DC and no additional family support?

58 replies

BorisGotAwayWithItAgain · 17/03/2022 21:05

We have one toddler and hoping to have another baby (I'm 40 so need to move quickly). However we have zero wider family support, no grandparents or aunts / uncles able to help look after our DD (and had no bubble during pandemic) so my DD has only ever been looked after by DH or me. She has only just started nursery part-time and so it's been a slog.

I just wonder how those with no wider family to help out with babysitting manage to find any headspace or time as a couple? Obviously childcare, but how do you organise your time? Notwithstanding the childcare needed to work etc. I'm worried as we never get a break or time alone and I feel we need to make sure we get that otherwise I think we could combust!

OP posts:

Exhausted18 · 17/03/2022 21:30

We just accepted that we would have very little "us" time for a few years. Very occasionally (maybe twice in 3 years) we have taken annual leave on the same day, sent our then only DD to nursery as usual and gone out for the day, it was a lovely break. We'll probably do it again sometime when I'm back in work after this mat leave. Not trying to sound martyr-ish but we have literally no one to leave them with, grandparents are alive but either far away or disabled or both.

LazyDoll · 17/03/2022 21:31

Echo pies here. I have 3DC and don’t have family support. DHs parents both passed away. We pay babysitters and when the DCs were younger a friend and I would babysit for each other. We don’t go out a lot together as it’s expensive with sitters but soon DS1 will be able to look after the other 2. We don’t get weekends away together which is a shame

Discwriter · 17/03/2022 21:31

We have no family in this country. I haven't noticed it's hard really as I never knew any different. We have a 3 and a 5 year old. If we want to do something, I book a day's annual leave. We have had a babysitter once or twice but too tight really.

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Childcare & nursery Families

Jessicabrassica · 17/03/2022 21:32

We use family friends kids as baby sitters - but they keep growing up and leaving home. Just about to start with baby sitter mark 4. DH & I seem to be averaging 3hrs child- free time a year at present which is bloody awful.

No family support, (dead, demented or disengaged). We have one friend who has had the kids over night for us - but she's 4hrs away from us. We've had 2child- free nights in 12 yrs. Looking forward to dc2 being old enough to go to scout camp so we can send them both and have a few days on our own!

dipdye · 17/03/2022 21:32

Us. No family support really, bat the odd weekend babysitting from BIL.

However we do live abroad with subsidised nursery which helped enormously.

dipdye · 17/03/2022 21:33

bar the odd etc

Kite22 · 17/03/2022 21:35

We had 3, and my parents both died when the dc were tiny, and dh's parents didn't help with childcare nor sitting.

We paid babysitters when we went out together, or were both out at the same time.
Occasionally friends would offer.
Once, we called a teenage babysitter (landline in those days) and her Mum answered the phone but knew her dd couldn't do the weekend we wanted, and she said she would happily come instead

It made life more expensive to pay for sitters, but that is the way it was - you get on with the hand that life deals you.
We also carved time for each of us to do things without the dc, with the other one caring for them during that time.

UglyModernWindows · 17/03/2022 21:37

Yes us, my family are all abroad and DH's other end of the UK. His DM has since died but she was elderly so wasn't ever really a choice anyway.

You will find your groove and as the saying goes, the days are long but the years go fast is true. Ours are now 11 and 14 so it's easier. I look back with partly shudder and partly with rose tinted spectacles .

We subscribed to Sitters.co.uk for years and had a very good experience with them. Couldn't afford the attitude "I won't let strangers to babysit my child" as otherwise we would have never been able to go anywhere together.

I made a huge effort to make friends with local mums and was lucky to have a good group of school mum friends. We didn't tend to swap babysitting favours but we always helped each other with any ad hoc child care situations. No-one took the piss either which I guess is lucky!

My DH also used to travel nearly every week so I was on my own a lot. Bed time routine was always non-negotiable. Having an evening to myself/us saved our sanity.

Few times I did book myself into a hotel in London for two nights to get a break from it all. Just to sleep, eat in peace and not to have anyone to service every five minutes .

It really was quite hard slog at times but the other side of the coin is the freedom you have as a family and individuals. No-one to guilt trip you if you don't visit every weekend, to offer you outdated unsolicited advice or feed kids crap behind your back.

CliveThighs · 17/03/2022 21:37

This is us, family are all scattered across the globe so no family support.

When dd was an only child things were OK, but I struggled when ds was born (especially when he started crawling and climbing). Dhs work changed around that time too, and he was being sent on frequent work trips abroad.

I found that I could do it all, but that I wasn't enjoying it. So i got in help. We got an au pair so I could shower whilst she played with the dc, or one of us could run to the shops to get milk without having to stress about dragging the dc out of the house, etc, etc. Just having another responsible adult around to help a bit for a few hours totally changed everything and I could enjoy the baby/toddler/preschooler stage. We were super lucky in that all our au pairs were amazing lovely people and our house is big enough to host them.

Things got a lot easier once dd had her free nursery hours, and even more relaxed once both the dc are in school.

I now have an amazing network of local friends & school mums who all happily swap playdates and sleepovers and emergency childcare, etc.

Sparechange · 17/03/2022 21:38

2 dc and zero family support

We are in London so know quite a few others in the same position so have a few reciprocal babysitting arrangements, and use babysitters for nights out

We’ve only ever had one child-free night away, and the childcare cost more than the hotel

It makes me laugh and cry when there is a ‘DC not invited to a wedding’ thread and someone ALWAYS comments ‘just ask the GPs to babysit and enjoy yourselves’ likes it’s an actual option for everyone..!

WomblingWilma · 17/03/2022 21:43

4 DC. Didn’t even get our wedding night on our own as DC1 was 4 months old, breastfeeding and I just couldn’t countenance leaving her overnight.

We had our first weekend away in 24 years in 2020 as the youngest was finally old enough to be left with the oldest and the others in between. I can count nights out together on one hand as family really didn’t want to be involved especially after we had twins, one with SN.

DH had his hobbies and nights out, I had mine. Now we can do what we want and it’s fine. TBH after almost 30 years together, I prefer him in small doses!

QuietKingdom · 17/03/2022 21:47

We have 2 and no family support, no friends, can't afford babysitters. I don't feel we miss out on anything but I was never someone who enjoyed going out in the evening anyway. We have never been out alone together in the evening or overnight and my eldest is 11. We have evenings at home together though
From about 7pm when they were younger and now once the youngest is asleep the eldest goes up to their room to read by 9pm so I feel like we get plenty of time together. When the kids were younger and we needed more of a break we'd sometimes take a day or half day annual leave and go out for lunch together when they were at nursery.

UglyModernWindows · 17/03/2022 21:49

My top tip is to enrol your DC into the Scouts. When they have overnight camps there's your chance to have a night without DC . And if one is at the camp, it's easier to ask a sleepover favour for one DC from a friend (I have one particular friend with whom we keep taking in turns when older DC are off to their scout camp trips).

cigarettesNalcohol · 17/03/2022 21:51

In same position. Babysitter. That's all you can do to catch a break / get time as a couple. The first few years of having the new baby you probably won't get a break if baby doesn't settle/feed/sleep well with someone else.

HairyToity · 17/03/2022 22:02

This is us. We stopped at two children. We just keep plodding on. The rewards are worth it, although there are times when we've struggled.

ISpyCobraKai · 17/03/2022 22:05

I did it with one her whole life as a single Mum.
She's 20 now and independent.

If you want another, go for it, you'll manage.

HyggeTygge · 17/03/2022 22:08

Tbh before I joined MN I didn't really realise it was the expectation that you'd have family on hand to provide childcare. Not that it's really unusual but it's hardly rare to live far from your parents and in-laws.

My DC haven't stayed overnight with anyone else yet and they're in primary school. Partly because of Covid I guess but the youngest would be too much of a handful for aging GPs.

Nomad916 · 17/03/2022 22:11

No family in the country. We paid for babysitters from agencies about once a month, had turns for lie-ins at the weekend, and turns for alone/away time without DC.
When did visit in laws & parents abroad once a year, we would leave DC overnight with them.

WomblingWilma · 17/03/2022 22:11

I second the Scouts. Unfortunately you’re some way off that OP as they join at 10 (boys and girls). They can join Cubs at around 8 and they do a few camps but DS missed them due to Covid. He’s got 6 camps this year, mostly 2 nighters but a whole week in the summer. Definitely a good way to get them out doing stuff and some time away from parents!

SundayTeatime · 17/03/2022 22:13

I don’t know anyone who had grandparents or aunts or uncles to help out. If they were alive, they just lived too far away to help. We set up a babysitting circle at a toddler group. We had tokens and used them like money. It worked brilliantly for years.

Silkierabbit · 17/03/2022 22:21

We had no family support, 2 kids, 1 with SN. Haven't ever had couples time really, always done everything with kids. If you can get and afford a nursery for longer than your working hours some of the time that can give you that time alone or with your partner if he can do it too.

When they are older if you can afford a private gym like David Lloyd they run kids clubs and so child goes in club for an hour, occasionally 2 hours and you can go swimming / gym / aerobics / have a coffee. That worked very well when mine were at primary and kept me fit as well. Obviously a few years yet but it does get easier as they get older. If you find a family in similar situation that you feel you can trust you can sometimes swap though never did that but some people do.

thaegumathteth · 17/03/2022 23:10

Yes but I have not been working much of their lives - it would have been really tough if I had also been working full time especially as pre covid dh worked abroad a lot.

We have never had a night away from the kids (except individually if they've been on a sleepover or a couple of times one of us has been away with friends etc)

It's alright tbh, it's all we've ever known. Dh's mum is nearby ish but is ..... tricky. My mum is housebound.

thaegumathteth · 17/03/2022 23:15

And just to add, the main thing I find difficult isn't no nights out or weekends away it's not having the back up plan relatives often provide.

Eg I was stuck in traffic and couldn't get to school pick up, I was frantically phoning friends who stepped into the breach but it was a worry. Same as when I was taken into hospital, we just had to cope. When dh was working away and I got really unwell with a chest and throat infection there was nobody to pick up the slack.

I admit though that I'm probably looking through rose tinted glasses as what hep people get from family.

LadyOfMisrule · 17/03/2022 23:15

Ours went to nursery. If we wanted to go out for dinner we’d hire a babysitter from nursery until we got to know other parents, then we’d do babysitting swaps.

We didn’t manage an overnight stay away until the eldest was about 12, though.

herecomesthsun · 17/03/2022 23:17

We have 2, no parental support, it's fine.

I note that there is a private prep school near us that lets day pupils stop over for the night when wished. We are state educating our kids,but I can see that could work well for parents that can afford it and need to have nights on call for work, or just want an occasional night away.

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