Work life/balance - not sure what is the solution?

[OhPleaseJustLast]

Wondering if anyone who has been in a similar position can share some pearls of wisdom to stop me completely losing the plot.

I work 4 days a week, mainly from home, in a corporate role. Fast paced, busy. Objectively I am over-committed at work, but I do have a supportive manager who is trying to support with that. But I’m flat out for 8/9 hours a day. I have two young primary dc’s, and a dh who works full time from home. He pulls his weight completely - does all the cooking, half the school runs etc.

I have elderly parents who increasingly need more and more support/time. On my ‘day off’ work, I spend the day with them. One of them just went into a care home, and I’m pretty emotionally rung out from that.

Weekend mornings are taken up with kids activities. We then try to spend time as a family on weekend afternoons, or catch up on stuff around the house and garden. Evenings are a whirl of Beavers (one night), homework, dinner, reading, bed. Putting on a load of washing, tidying up etc. I then collapse on the sofa and, more often than not these days, fall asleep. In amongst all that I try to run 3 times a week - because it’s the only time I get to myself and because I know that if I don’t get exercise I’ll feel even worse. But it’s just one more thing to fit in.

I am exhausted. And I don’t know what to do to fix things. We have a cleaner. I toyed with getting a gardener, but I enjoy gardening, and resent the idea of paying someone to do something I enjoy so that I can have more time to do things I don’t.

I can feel that I’m getting to breaking point, I’m getting anxious about stupid things and feel constantly on high alert (except when I’ve collapsed and fallen asleep). I contacted my work’s employee assistance program the other day, thinking maybe counselling or something would help. I’m waiting for a call back but I feel a bit stupid, I don’t know what I’m asking for. I don’t know how to fix this except by magically having more time or fewer obligations. And I also know that in a lot of ways I am very privileged. I can pay for a cleaner. I work from home so can chuck a wash on when I get 2 mins, or whilst on a phone call. I have a dh who pulls his weight. I feel like I should be coping better than I am. Can someone please advise how I can get a grip?

COuld a childminder do pickup a couple of evenings a week, even just for an hour to free DH up and give you both a bit of breathing space?

My husband is home before me, we both work FT - he preps dinner and runs the hoover over while I collect the kids from nursery and childminder.

Get the kids involved in the gardening as part of family time on the weekend?

Ours are 6 and 2, and the only club type thing we have is swim lessons on a Sunday lunchtime for the big one, we just can't fit in anymore and he needs the downtime too.

Do the kids come home from school at 3 or do they go into after school care?

Could you spend the Gardener budget on more domestic help? If someone could come round two afternoons a week and chuck laundry on, have a tidy round etc (then keep the cleaner to do the Big Clean each week). I'm thinking more a Mothers Help (even though they would be helping you all).

We also ditched all classes and clubs after school apart from swimming lessons, as it's just too much. One of my dc does an activity for 2 hrs on a Saturday but it's not a sport so is opt in as and when you fancy sort of thing. It's a relief to know we can ditch it if we want.

Thank you for the responses! We don’t have any wraparound care available, and no local childminders, but the kids get the school bus home and are basically deposited at the front door. My husband tends to handle that end of the day.

I know we probably have too many kids’ commitments, but I’m reluctant to cut down. They only have two things each - and swimming lessons are at the same time Sunday morning - so again, I feel like it shouldn’t be beyond me to cope with, and I’m reluctant to penalise them for my lack of ability to cope, iyswim?

More home help is an idea. I think I need to figure out what’s eating the time. But also if the time really is the problem, or if it’s my ability to cope that is. I mean, I’m busy, but so are lots of people. I think the mental pressures of having my parents so reliant on me at the moment is probably the thing that’s tipping me over the edge, if I’m honest.

I don't have any answers but I have solidarity!

I feel the same. I don't have the parent issues yet and only one child but I work more than full time hours, and my husband works full time too. I feel like I am at breaking point and just can't cope with anything else. The latest school dress up day almost sent me over the edge!

My life is childcare-45 mins to get ready-work-childcare-household chores- crash in front of Netflix for 45 mins - sleep (badly). Around that I try to fit in the very occasional run and the occasional bit of quality time with my child when I am not nagging her to get dressed/undressed/shoes on/coat off/eat breakfast, etc. I am not enjoying life at the moment. I am not quite sure where it all went wrong.

I think the fast-paced, busy role is part of the issue. I was far less tired in a cushy slow-pace role with a hard 5.30pm finish, doing work that wasn’t terribly exciting or varied, but didn’t carry over to the evening or next day, and had time for a lunch break every day, and chunks of time every day to just be/step outside/put a wash on with more than 2 mins to do it. And that was a full-time role. I’m now 3 days a week in a fast-paced job where I’m over-committed and I’m at breaking point. Even though DC now sleeps and during the old job woke up through the night.

I’d:
• Change the job
• Lower my household standards
• Spend the gardener money on something else – whatever is eating the time or exhausting you the most

Or even cut down your hours further – forgo the gardener money for another day off and use that as your coping day: time for you, time for running, time for gardening, time for counselling.

I stand with you OP and it's exhausting! I have found getting up early and going to the gym can help with the anxiety of it all. I usually listen to a podcast while I am there and it gives me a sense of calm in the madness!

We were like this. I cut my hours down and downgraded our lifestyle. Much smaller house, worse car, don’t buy as much stuff. Am so much happier despite the down grades. If this is an option, have a serious think about outgoings and what can be cut.

I wonder if this is only partly about time and actually mostly about how much you're carrying around worry and love for your parents. Everything seems exhausting when we're carrying so much. Your weeks does sound really busy and I so agree that more home help sounds good but I wonder if the deeper emotional stuff needs some time, space, and deep rest to process. It's all hard and I'm sending you some hugs despite the unmumsnetty-ness of that.

To add DH also stopped working a much. Just said no to jobs. We might not have as much money but we are around much more for the kids which just works better for us. Not for everyone and obviously get a pang when so and so has a new Audi or goes to Florida for a holiday, but day to day, so much happier.

I think it’s the care you are providing your parents that’s tipping the balance. Could you support carers support group, they arranged counselling for me as I want coping with being pulled in so many different directions. Is there any way you can reduce what you do for them so you can free up your ‘day off’ in the week?

That sounds very hard and a very full week. Please don’t worry about what other people can manage or what you “should” be able to cope with. It seems like you are not getting any down time. How would the kids be if on weekend afternoons you had a few hours on the sofa letting them watch tv or play at home? Can you take it in turns with dh to have an afternoon sleep at weekends?

Sorry that should say contact Carer’s support.
Could you afford a part time housekeeper so you aren’t having to pop a load of washing on while you are on a work call etc?

Mental load for me is a big thing. Where’s my tie? What’s for dinner? Have you emailed XYZ teacher? Need black card for art work.

All that stuff.

So I automated as much as I could. Money goes in the right accounts at the right time. Amazon Subscribe and Save deliver our monthly essentials, from toilet roll to cans of pop (removes the ‘oh god we need toilet roll’ dread), meal planning boxes arrive for three dinners a week (removes decision making), milkman delivers milk three days a week, cat food is subscription and arrives every four weeks.

Decision fatigue is real. When you are anxious and wound up, you can’t make decisions because your irrational brain has taken over - I found I spent more time worrying over what food to order because I couldn’t decide on menus or budget than actually ordering it. I would spend an hour starting an order and not finish it.

Automation helps. Enormously. And I would start with whatever, outside of work, you think about the most and what drains you

Not like your situation but I have a busy job and work too many hours. In the short term I have been doing Gousto and Oddbox and its been a revelation. No more meal planning and the weeks menu just arrives.

I also think trying to carve out something for you- spa with friend or something, and counselling maybe to explore feelings around your parents.

I also don’t have any answers but I’m right there with you!
Honestly think the only thing that can give it the children’s hobbies, I like you was very reluctant to ask them to give them up but my DD had surgery about 9 months ago and had to drop a lot a lot of sessions. She could go back now but it’s made such difference to our time that I’m not putting the idea in her head until she asks.

I was in the RAF. The demands got too much. I left. There’s flexible working and there’s no longer fulfilling the role.Reasonable adjustments can go so far as to change the job too much.

It sounds like you could be feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes feelings of being overwhelmed can link in to anxiety. This was the case for me. And even though my day to day life didn't change as such taking meds for anxiety made me feel calmer and more in control. I'm not saying rush to get medication but just sharing my experience as even though I didn't realise it my anxiety was coming out as feeling stressed etc. Meds have really helped me.

Sorry you are beating yourself up OP, I really feel you. Do you have any siblings to help shoulder the burden of parents? I think that might be the thing tipping you over the edge - the mental load of that plus the loss of your Fridays after your busy working week.

If no siblings, or if they are not able to share the burden more, have you looked into social care support for the parent who is still at home? My elderly parents have finally started receiving visits 3 mornings a week to help for a couple of hours each time (showering and dressing mainly in their case, but it could be anything round the home at all).

The local authority should be able to send someone out to do an assessment on their needs and ascertain what would help. Look it up online. It might not take the burden wholly off you but perhaps it may help.

Also perhaps Age UK or another charity depending on if your parents have specific conditions, could also help. X

I think the emotional side of looking after your parents is probably affecting you a lot at the moment; hopefully you will start to get over having to move one into the home as they get settled etc?

Can you increase the cleaner’s hours but to include occasional cooking - say a couple of family meals made, for that day and the next - and also laundry? Then if you do have a short break in the day from your work you could mooch around the harden or even sit down with a book. It’s amazing how even 20 minutes spent relaxing makes a difference. I sympathise because it’s so hard when everything is so relentless

I really feel for you, I also work 4 days in a busy job and it can feel relentless. I couldn't have managed it with my kids at the young primary age without wrap around care - drop off at childminders at 7:30am and pick up at 5pm. I expect a lot of the people you see coping with it have the option of regular breakfast/after school clubs or wrap around, so don't beat yourself up that you are finding it harder than others. We only did swimming (weekend) and brownies (one evening) at that age. I can only imagine the extra pressure of having to care for parents on top of it all. I'm afraid I don't have the answers, but feels like you or your DH might benefit from reducing hours if you can afford it or getting some more home help with the kids or housework.

Go easy on yourself, you're doing a helluva lot and possibly carrying quite a lot of anxiety about your parents. I have no magic answers but if you could afford someone to come in and do more of the housework (laundry, washing up, anything you don't have to make a decision about really) then it could make a difference. I'm also wondering if you could consider moving jobs to something less full on?

I work 18 hrs a week but do nights. OH works 2/3 days opposite mine so has the kids while I'm working. They're at school 5 days a week so effectively I have 4 of those days as 'me time' now the smalls are at school. Eldest has left school but is independent and going to college soon.
I love my free time. We'd be a lot better off if we worked more but at 41 and 50, we want to enjoy life now, not in and other 20-30 years! Can you work 2-3 days instead of 4?

I’d also agree with @Bethany7, I’m in a far better place now I’m on medication.

If you can afford to could you take a couple of weeks of parental leave?

In the past I have taken these parental leave weeks as my 'annual holiday' and then that gives me nearly an extra day off each month. Sometimes I use those bonus days to catch up with jobs at home, sometimes to go out with a friend for lunch/shopping, sometimes just to enjoy a chilled day at home, going for a long walk with an audio book or gardening.

It's not a lot but just having that day a month lessens the load.