Work life/balance - not sure what is the solution?

[OhPleaseJustLast]

Wondering if anyone who has been in a similar position can share some pearls of wisdom to stop me completely losing the plot.

I work 4 days a week, mainly from home, in a corporate role. Fast paced, busy. Objectively I am over-committed at work, but I do have a supportive manager who is trying to support with that. But I’m flat out for 8/9 hours a day. I have two young primary dc’s, and a dh who works full time from home. He pulls his weight completely - does all the cooking, half the school runs etc.

I have elderly parents who increasingly need more and more support/time. On my ‘day off’ work, I spend the day with them. One of them just went into a care home, and I’m pretty emotionally rung out from that.

Weekend mornings are taken up with kids activities. We then try to spend time as a family on weekend afternoons, or catch up on stuff around the house and garden. Evenings are a whirl of Beavers (one night), homework, dinner, reading, bed. Putting on a load of washing, tidying up etc. I then collapse on the sofa and, more often than not these days, fall asleep. In amongst all that I try to run 3 times a week - because it’s the only time I get to myself and because I know that if I don’t get exercise I’ll feel even worse. But it’s just one more thing to fit in.

I am exhausted. And I don’t know what to do to fix things. We have a cleaner. I toyed with getting a gardener, but I enjoy gardening, and resent the idea of paying someone to do something I enjoy so that I can have more time to do things I don’t.

I can feel that I’m getting to breaking point, I’m getting anxious about stupid things and feel constantly on high alert (except when I’ve collapsed and fallen asleep). I contacted my work’s employee assistance program the other day, thinking maybe counselling or something would help. I’m waiting for a call back but I feel a bit stupid, I don’t know what I’m asking for. I don’t know how to fix this except by magically having more time or fewer obligations. And I also know that in a lot of ways I am very privileged. I can pay for a cleaner. I work from home so can chuck a wash on when I get 2 mins, or whilst on a phone call. I have a dh who pulls his weight. I feel like I should be coping better than I am. Can someone please advise how I can get a grip?

Do your child go to after school club? What would the cost of a nanny be by comparison? Just thinking they could do reading and dinner prep (if agreed it was part of the role).

(And children’s laundry)

What is it you do when you're at your parents OP?
Are you doing housework etc there, or there for company? If housework, could you maybe arrange a cleaner/gardener for their house as well?

I don't know what the answer is op but he kind to yourself. You are juggling. I work 32 stressful, fast paced hours per week ( 2hrs commuting each day) with 2 infant school aged children and I'm drowning.

I have a parent on the decline ( not needing care- yet), DH has full on job too. Childminder who is unreliable. We do 1 evening with after school activities- swimming which I count as essential.

I agree with buying parental leave if you can for holidays and lowering expectations e.g. ready made meals with cook.

The other thing to consider is how awful the world is at the moment. Many people I know are feeling very tired and burnt out with 2 years of Covid, now a horrendous war and cost of living rise. There is only so much misery we can take.

@OhPleaseJustLast

Thank you for the responses! We don’t have any wraparound care available, and no local childminders, but the kids get the school bus home and are basically deposited at the front door. My husband tends to handle that end of the day.

I know we probably have too many kids’ commitments, but I’m reluctant to cut down. They only have two things each - and swimming lessons are at the same time Sunday morning - so again, I feel like it shouldn’t be beyond me to cope with, and I’m reluctant to penalise them for my lack of ability to cope, iyswim?

More home help is an idea. I think I need to figure out what’s eating the time. But also if the time really is the problem, or if it’s my ability to cope that is. I mean, I’m busy, but so are lots of people. I think the mental pressures of having my parents so reliant on me at the moment is probably the thing that’s tipping me over the edge, if I’m honest.

When my father and mother were in the last years of their lives, I was constantly and felt run ragged. I loved my mum ( who died last) and still miss her now but there is no denying that my life is far far less stressful and exhausting now that I don't have the very high level of needs of elderly parents to deal with.

Thank you all so much. Honestly. Your responses I think I think have clarified in my mind that it’s not necessarily stuff or tasks that are the issue, but my feelings around it. I’m under pressure all day at work, and then on top of that feel enormous pressure over my parents, and also the kids and my family. I feel like I have to make sure that homework, SATS practice, Reading etc gets done. That the kids don’t miss out on opportunities because of me. My Mum sends me a constant narrative of her life, everything that’s gone wrong, things she needs me to do (paperwork, IT problems, issues with her telly) when I see her. None of it is rocket science but it’s just incessant. She’s highly anxious herself and leaning on me. The care home calls me at 7am in the morning when there’s been an incident with my dad in the night (at least once a week so far), ‘just to let me know’. I do have siblings but they are either disengaged or seen as less useful by my mum therefore don’t get called upon. I’m just so tired of being needed. I think maybe counselling via the company’s EAP program isn’t such a stupid idea.

Which bits are non negotiable?
Your runs are helping you and your DC’s enjoy their clubs.

However
Do you have to work flat out 8 or 9 hours every day? Is this usual in your role or do you have too high a workload?
Do you have to spend one day every week with your parents?

At some point we become so busy we are no longer effective with our time and energy, we actually get less done in more hours.

Is your DH exhausted too, if not what is he doing differently?

@Bethany7

It sounds like you could be feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes feelings of being overwhelmed can link in to anxiety. This was the case for me. And even though my day to day life didn't change as such taking meds for anxiety made me feel calmer and more in control. I'm not saying rush to get medication but just sharing my experience as even though I didn't realise it my anxiety was coming out as feeling stressed etc. Meds have really helped me.

Completely agree with this. I’m coping so much better now with work and family, now that the anxiety is under control.

Reading your last post, you get no downtime. No wonder you are on high alert.

If your job is flat out I would speak to your manager about workload and even ask for a break/ parental leave to give yourself a breather. You cannot do it all!!

I would seriously consider letting your siblings know you will be taking a break and that they are the emergency contact for your parents for the weekend/ week/ whatever.

You need a rest or you are at high risk of breaking/ burnout. Counselling would also be good.

From your update you definitely sound like you and your mum would benefit from her having more visiting help. I definitely recommend looking into what your local council can offer. Even just the odd visit to support her with jobs round the house could help.

In addition it doesn't sound fair that your siblings aren't sharing the load. No idea what your relationship with them is like but perhaps consider organising a meeting with them to discuss your mum and dads care and how the three of you can all share the load? Don't silently take it all on and be a people pleaser as it's only you who will suffer.

On the contrary to previous poster, with all due respect to the pp I would not recommend you start drugs to help you, as I firmly believe you'd only be numbing out your pain. It's clear what the challenges are and you need practical help plus emotional support.

Counselling might be a good idea, plus hopefully you can lean on your husband for support too.

Good luck op x

Is it because you are not getting breathing space during the day that this feels manic? Time for a coffee between kids leaving and starting work. A walk at lunchtime or putting a wash on and being away from your laptop helps

I'm a single parent and WFH in a fast paced job but have made some changes

Exercise really early
Walking in the occasional conference call
Hot desking a few hours a week to be out
Cancelled weekend activities for 2 mid week

One of the things I think is so hard with this is that the not coping then also feels like another thing to do- e.g. if I was better at organizing things, automating stuff, meal planning it would all be better!

Is your 4 days a week job really 5 days? I compressed my hours because I didn't want to get paid for 4 days when I was really doing 5. No one removes work when you do a 4 day week. Would it actually be easier if you went back to 5 days, allow yourself more slack in your day? If you weren't so available to your mum on the 5th day would she call on you so much?

I need to build slack into my day. I also have a very full on job where there are some expectations of evening and weekend working. But I can't do it if I'm in meetings and having to interact all day. Can you see if you can block out diary time so you can have a slower hour reading or reviewing or writing? I know easier said than done, but it really reduced that 'high alert' feeling.

You must deal with this OP because you are in danger of burn out. Counselling is a good idea, and I like Ranjan Chatterjee’s book on stress - it’s easy to read and very sensible.

It does sound that you are holding yourself to very high standards. So drop em. And figure out ways to chill out. Talk with your husband about this. Figure out where you are asking too much of yourself as a parent. Drop at least one morning of kids activities at the weekend - everyone just needs some time to chill. Maybe think about some yoga, or more gardening if you like that. A family gardening afternoon sounds great.

Your mum needs some support, you need to filter her calls (once a day), ask the care home to stop calling daily, and just to give you a weekly update. More time from your cleaner - get her to act as a semi housekeeper and deal with some washing. Buy some cook meals so your husband doesn’t have to cook every night.

In the meantime have a heart to heart with your husband. Can you get a few days away? A weekend retreat or something would do you the world of good.

If you are working 8-9 hours a day then you are being paid for 4 days but working a full week. You need to take that up with HR asap. Either they pay you for 5 days and you carry on as normal or you cut your hours.

Do you have siblings who can share the elderly parent load? Can you visit with DC at the weekend instead so you get some down time on your day off?

Could you buy in more help for your parents? This seems to be where the extra pressure is, sort them out online shopping if that’s something that is falling to you, a cleaner for them? Buy in ‘cook’ meals so you are doing less from scratch. The rest doesn’t sound too bad, working from home 4 days with no school drop offs sounds pretty good rather than overwhelming so you need to drill down to really work out where the pressure is and what you can do to offload some of it.

I did compressed hours when DC were young and its kind of the worst of all worlds. I agree if you could just do normal full time, it would make work a bit easier. It would also give your siblings one less reason not to step up. You can say 'now that I'm working full time you need to do xyz' much more easily.

Main point I would add is that you are just as important a person as your kids and parents are. Just because they are dependent doesn't mean that your needs are always last.

@OhPleaseJustLast

Thank you all so much. Honestly. Your responses I think I think have clarified in my mind that it’s not necessarily stuff or tasks that are the issue, but my feelings around it. I’m under pressure all day at work, and then on top of that feel enormous pressure over my parents, and also the kids and my family. I feel like I have to make sure that homework, SATS practice, Reading etc gets done. That the kids don’t miss out on opportunities because of me. My Mum sends me a constant narrative of her life, everything that’s gone wrong, things she needs me to do (paperwork, IT problems, issues with her telly) when I see her. None of it is rocket science but it’s just incessant. She’s highly anxious herself and leaning on me. The care home calls me at 7am in the morning when there’s been an incident with my dad in the night (at least once a week so far), ‘just to let me know’. I do have siblings but they are either disengaged or seen as less useful by my mum therefore don’t get called upon. I’m just so tired of being needed. I think maybe counselling via the company’s EAP program isn’t such a stupid idea.

I think counselling could be very beneficial and I would advise you to focus on your strong sense of responsibility and obligation to others, to explore how it would feel to do less for others, say no, stop answering every call from the care home, disengage from your mother (not completely, obviously still give some help/support, but much less than you are now), allow your children one activity per week instead of two (it really won't hurt!), "drop the ball" in terms of being the perfect parent.

You don't have to be all things to all people, and in fact you can't. You are exhausting yourself trying.

I also agree with PPs who said that you are doing too much for your parents (although I understand why you feel you have to, you actually don't) and I wonder if your siblings would agree to some kind of rota for visiting - everyone visit once a month? (They might not do it and you might end up doing twice a month yourself but it would be better than you going every single week.)

You could contact Age UK to see what they advise about support and services that could be available to help them and reduce demands on you.

With young children and a demanding job I'm sorry but I think parents should not be so high up on the priority list - something has to give.

I'm the same as you. I can't go on like this and it's not normal to live in this state of stress. I'm going to cut my hours or failing that find a new job. Then I'm going to lower expectations and spend less. It is scary because of bills sky rocketing but if I wait any longer to find work life balance I'll be very ill. Lifes too short

Many elements of my life/career are very similar to yours, except i work FT and I don't jog, and we manage more kids activities in the week (I break from work at 4.30pm to do school/nursery run and take my DD to her activities (she has something Mon, Weds, Fri) then I recommence work again at 8pm or 9pm when DD is finally sleeping. DH handles our DS's bath and bedtime).

Evenings are madly busy and both DH and I tend to fall asleep on the sofa if we plonk ourselves down at any point in the evening (it is very often difficult to stop work at 4.30pm, even when I'll be back later; sometimes I have to work on my laptop whilst making the kids' dinner and watching them eat, which is awful multi-tasking!)

But I'm coping.

So I'm pretty certain it is the added load of elderly parents that is tipping you over the edge. I can say this with some confidence as I've juggled elderly/poorly parents alongside family and FT work and it is exhausting and stressful.

I don't have a magic answer for you, but I just wanted to say I think you have a LOT on your plate, and it's definitely worth using your employee support line to figure out if you can break off a few small chunks of your busy schedule to free up some time.

@AnotherEmma your comment about my sense of responsibility and obligation hit home. Work made us do one of those wanky ‘work personality’ things last year and responsibility was one of my top traits.

The suggestions people made about going full time initially filled me with horror, mainly because my initial reaction was that I’d have to do the elderly care stuff on the weekend instead. But actually, why do I think I need to go every week? We don’t see my husbands’ parents that frequently. My mum already has help in the home, and my brother visits a fair amount, but she’d rather call me.

Lots to think about, thank you all. The work situation isn’t sustainable long term, and my manager knows that. Some of the tips about blocking out time in my calendar are great and I’m going to do that, in an attempt not to be running from phone call to phone call while simultaneously trying to send emails, write minutes from the last call, and field instant messages.

I’m also going to filter my mum’s messages in the day and deal with them in one block. She’s particularly emotionally needy at the moment, and I feel guilty about my dad having to go into a care home (something else to explore in counselling I guess), so feel I need to visit. But he doesn’t remember me going so I might have to take a pragmatic view on that in time as well.

Some tips

• I try to do laundry on one day in between working from home. This is a tip I got from a co worker mom years ago who worked from home one day a week to do it. Another tip, I time it so it's the day before cleaner comes. So I pay for an extra hour of cleaner. Cleaner comes, takes dryer clothes out, puts last washing load in. At the end of cleaning, she spends that extra hour folding laundry (just have her doing children laundry at the mo)
• I buy extra holidays from work. Very worth it
• can you do anything for your self on the day of week you don't work?
• also allow yourself space to feel down/ overwhelmed/ negative feelings. That's normal. Then see what you can change and what you cannot. Also help yourself recognise positives, on balance. You are already achieving a lot!
• I do look at photos of the kids during the day. Helps remind me what it's for.

All the best

I was going to say your siblings need to step up, but then saw your brother visits, at least. Remembering when my grandmother was very ill, things started to fall to my mum – the eldest and most switched-on/capable/take charge, and it sounds like that’s your role too? She took charge by dividing up the extra responsibilities between siblings and an in-law who was willing: timetabled visits that meant no one was doing it all but granny was visited regularly, put the life admin to-do list online – hooray for the internet, you could use a Google doc or Jamboard – for all siblings to use and tick off, email regular updates to all the family (everyone’s responsibility after visiting your dad or doing something for your mum).

It meant an initial extra workload setting it up but it took off the pressure of being “the one”. At the moment your mum only calls you, so you’re seeing it as you must do the things she needs. Reframe it as “you’re the point of contact”: then the actions your mum asks for are all the siblings’ responsibility, so they go on the shared doc. Since you’re the point of contact for mum, your brother needs to be point of contact for your dad’s care home. You absolutely have to enforce sharing the load here.

I'm in a similar position, 2 children, work full time and constantly meeting myself coming backwards. I've been on my own for past 3 years also and no help from their dad which just adds to the pressure.
I've had to lower my household standards in general as can't around to pay a cleaner etc. Will be following for other tips!

You have my sympathy @ohpleasejustlast when I was with my ex I worked 6 days a week whilst he did a rolling 4 on 4 off shift, we had our dd and his older 2 to manage, the house, his dad who was needing increasing care etc. It was awful.

Things I found that helped stop me going mad

1 cleaner once a month tondo the big deep clean of skirting boards windows etc
2 home help for his dad. Honestly it was the best move we made. I still did his washing and food shop but not having to clean his house or spend hours keeping him company made a huge difference.
3 moved kid activities to week nights. Meant week nights were busy but it did mean we got proper weekends

Good luck!!