Work life/balance - not sure what is the solution?

[OhPleaseJustLast]

Wondering if anyone who has been in a similar position can share some pearls of wisdom to stop me completely losing the plot.

I work 4 days a week, mainly from home, in a corporate role. Fast paced, busy. Objectively I am over-committed at work, but I do have a supportive manager who is trying to support with that. But I’m flat out for 8/9 hours a day. I have two young primary dc’s, and a dh who works full time from home. He pulls his weight completely - does all the cooking, half the school runs etc.

I have elderly parents who increasingly need more and more support/time. On my ‘day off’ work, I spend the day with them. One of them just went into a care home, and I’m pretty emotionally rung out from that.

Weekend mornings are taken up with kids activities. We then try to spend time as a family on weekend afternoons, or catch up on stuff around the house and garden. Evenings are a whirl of Beavers (one night), homework, dinner, reading, bed. Putting on a load of washing, tidying up etc. I then collapse on the sofa and, more often than not these days, fall asleep. In amongst all that I try to run 3 times a week - because it’s the only time I get to myself and because I know that if I don’t get exercise I’ll feel even worse. But it’s just one more thing to fit in.

I am exhausted. And I don’t know what to do to fix things. We have a cleaner. I toyed with getting a gardener, but I enjoy gardening, and resent the idea of paying someone to do something I enjoy so that I can have more time to do things I don’t.

I can feel that I’m getting to breaking point, I’m getting anxious about stupid things and feel constantly on high alert (except when I’ve collapsed and fallen asleep). I contacted my work’s employee assistance program the other day, thinking maybe counselling or something would help. I’m waiting for a call back but I feel a bit stupid, I don’t know what I’m asking for. I don’t know how to fix this except by magically having more time or fewer obligations. And I also know that in a lot of ways I am very privileged. I can pay for a cleaner. I work from home so can chuck a wash on when I get 2 mins, or whilst on a phone call. I have a dh who pulls his weight. I feel like I should be coping better than I am. Can someone please advise how I can get a grip?

I’m another one working FT and a managing it all with young kids. What’s tipping you over is your parents. I would look into help for your mum - a carer who comes one day a week and helps her sort all her things out etc. somebody who can batch cook meals for her fridge.. or who will do her weekly shop. I wound stop visiting them every week on your days off too.. maybe do 3/4. Use that extra day for yourself.
Also, on weekends, you and DH need to take it in turns to get a morning off - maybe once a month each. The kids won’t notice as they are still being cared for but each of you gets a much needed break. It WILL get easier as they get older.
Also if you can afford a few more hours a week, a mothers help could lighten your load

Been there. Sandwiched between kids, parents with high needs and a demanding job. It’s awful.
I nearly had a breakdown. I managed for a while, but the problem is that you can’t live on high alert for long periods of time, it’s incredibly damaging.

Things I think you could do immediately:

Reassess your working hours, are you really doing 5 days work for 4 days pay?

Is your partner really sharing everything, or does the mental load fall on you (“don’t forget to do the lunch boxes “….repeat ad nauseum)

Your dad - you don’t need a phone call for everything that happens. I know you probably feel a bit guilty about him being in a care home but share the load. If it’s a phone call there is no reason why another family member can’t be contacted on certain days. Say: don’t call me between the hours of 20:00 and 08:00 and contact Jim at the weekends. (Other than true emergencies of course). You’ll have filled a form out when your dad arrived with contact protocols - review it.

Mum - more difficult. What i would say is the more you do, the more that’s expected of you. She will bleed you dry (sorry for the language) but you must look after yourself. Old and ill people become incredibly selfish. It’s not their fault but you must put boundaries in place.

Sorry to hear you're facing this OP. No advice but I can definitely relate. Similar situation, both me and DH approaching some kind of burn out I think. I probably need to drop my standards a bit but that makes me feel even more anxious!

Don’t underestimate the impact of the decision to put your dad in a care home. I had similar when my mum went into a care home - in theory, I should have felt better as she was safe and being looked after. However, it hit me really hard. I think my sisters and I had been coping on adrenaline, going from crisis to crisis until the care home, and when that stopped it seemed to allow all those feelings and stress to catch up with me. It took a while to process it, really.

OP in similar circumstances I could handle kids and work but the needs of elders nearly broke me. I think a lot of it is the feelings of guilt and anxiety and their ever increasing helplessness. It is like a gradually increasing weight.
I spoke to my work EAP and the counselor made a useful distinction between helping and rescuing
I can help my mother but I can't rescue her from ageing. I can't fix her grief or anxiety and it is wearing me out trying to rescue her.

I think that though it may be your parents situation you feel has tipped the balance, everything seems to be contributing.

Clubs... Can oh take over the swimming club - unless you actually all swim to relax? Or you drop at Beavers say and the run for the hours or so it runs to then collect? 2birds with 1 stone sort of thing. Or you visit your parents during swimming time?

Work - if there's too much, then sooner or later you need to push some back. Otherwise it will never change. Definitely block time on your calendar. I do this and overegg the time so anytime gained back can be used elsewhere, but ensuring you don't under estimate. So even if I think something is a 10 minutes job, I have it on my diary as 15 minutes. Likewise calls that are say 30 to 40 which require follow up get an hour slot. Likewise any new "request" from the organisation to get
Xyz done gets blocked out too, whereas before I was trying to do that around everything else.

Your mum... Some of those things I'd push back onto your siblings eg. mum has texted there's a problem with the TV, when you pop over could you please have a look.

I don't think not seeing her or your father is the answer, but I wonder whether it's a case of when, eg maybe popping in before/after a run for cuppa may change the dynamics. She may have physical support, but she's seeking your emotional support with her husband now in the care home.

Good luck.

Be aware that the home maybe calling and if he's newly resident, may say they cannot meet his needs.
But also being informed is appropriate imo as it means you know what is going on, unless you want them to call your mum or sibling instead. Though then you may feel out of the loop and actually may lead to you having to be more involved with the palava that then causes...

And another thing I’ve just thought of - remove yourself as the central and vital cog in the machine, particularly with your parents.
I managed to get myself into a situation where everyone phoned me first and asked for updates (or told me what I should be doing!) rather than going directly to parents or care home etc. You’re not in charge or the ultimate manager of the whole situation. Make other people take responsibility for some areas.

Just wanted to say you're not alone, there are certainly times in my life where I feel I (we, really, incl DH) are being pulled in all directions and running to stand still. Definitely second trying to move weekend activities to week days- we've recently done this and it's made a huge difference to our stress levels. Keep hammering home to work that how things are going are unsustainable beyond the short term, block messaging on devices after reasonable hours and use your Outlook calendar to manage time and tasks.

Your siblings need to step up as far as your parents are concerned, be honest with them about the toll this is taking on you. Let someone else pick up the contact with the nursing home if necessary, and inform them that 7am is a completely inappropriate time to be contacting you about incidents that are normal for your father.

Best of luck, OP, I hope this is a very temporary situation and you can find a bit more balance soon.

I think what @StartupRepair said about not being able to rescue them really hit home. People IRL have said similar to me. It’s just bloody hard. I’m a ‘fixer’, it’s what I do.

The care home stuff is just horrible. Without going into too much detail he has moved into a specialist dementia care home because my mum couldn’t cope anymore and has, inevitably, gone downhill fast. Visits are an ordeal, frankly, and I’m barely holding myself together over that let alone able to provide my mum with emotional support.

I think my sense of obligation and responsibility is at the root of a lot of it, as well as just life being a bit shit at the moment with work having ramped up, and all the elder wrangling having peaked. I’m also, I think, still slightly traumatised from the last couple of years with home schooling etc.

Work will be addressed. My manager knows I can’t continue for long like this. In the meantime I’m going to block out time in my calendar and start being more ruthless about what I get involved in. The parents stuff I’m hoping will calm down as the care home move becomes the norm.

I’m pretty sure now that it’s not my actual life, the things I do, or the time I have to do them that’s the issue, but more my feelings around it and ability to give myself a break. If I dropped my hours at work, for example, I’d probably just find something else to be responsible for in that time. And that’s what I need to deal with.

It sounds like this thread has already helped you and I agree with a lot of what you're saying. I think though it's not just the feelings, but the mental load. The more you can compartmentalise, the better (and yes, I know that's hard) but eg, try to not respond to (or even read) the endless messages from your mum except when it's convenient. Can you ask the care home to switch to informing you via email rather than a call?

The other thing is lowering your expectations for yourself. I get myself so stressed out because I need to work, make sure the kids are doing all their activities, doing their homework, learning, growing, eating well etc.... but truthfully, does it really do any harm for them to sit and watch netflix of an evening or on a weekend sometimes?

Would also agree that if you have funds for additional domestic help, use it for things like increasing your cleaner hours or hiring a housekeeper who can also do some things like cooking, laundry etc. Or a "mothers help" who comes in every evening and helps wherever things need doing whether that's cooking dinner, doing laundry, overseeing homework, shuffling kids to activities etc.

I work 4 days in a high pressure job, similar for DH and have 1 child with SEN. I also have Fibromyalgia so have to be really careful with my health and how I pace myself to make sure I don't get too many pain flare ups.

The main thing that helps me cope is having Friday off to catch up in the house and it makes the weekends more relaxed. So for you, I can see how your commitments to your parents are sending you 'over the edge'.

The only thing I can suggest is you trying to carve out a bit of time for yourself - I was thinking say a 3 hour slot on either weekend day or on your day off. Do you need to be at your parents house all day? Coincide with their swimming slot - getting your husband to take them?
I would use this slot as a time for self care - rest, watch tv, read a book, nap. I personally wouldn't use it to exercise, but for downtime.

Otherwise, I know these sound trivial but I'd generally say eat well, drink plenty of water, reduce afternoon/evening caffeine, cut out alcohol. They should all have the knock on effect to help you sleep better too.

Could you get a second phone to use for calls/texts from your mum and calls from the care home and check your messages once a day or every couple of days? This may help you switch off from your the burden of helping of helping your parents.
I had counselling because looking after my mum was taking over my life, we discussed how me getting burnt out and ill wouldn’t be any good for anyone. I felt like I had lots of strings attached to me and people were pulling on them too hard. I didn’t want to cut any of the strings but needed them to be looser. I had six sessions of counselling and it really helped.

OP, I have PMed you.

From what you say about your job it sounds like a FULL time job and the 4 days you're doing is not enough

Make it a full time roll - and go job share to 2.5 days per week each

I hear you OP!! I work full time in a very demanding high pressured job, I regularly do 12 hour days/60 hour weeks.

You have a cleaner which is great. I'd cut out the weekend kids activities.

we have one DD and the weekends are for spending time together as a family, not rushing around trying to fit things in. It's much more relaxed since we did this.

You have my admiration: working can be brutal.