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Original poster

Unsupportive husband on maternity leave

56 replies

Serena74 · 15/03/2022 13:58

Serena74

I’ve had a baby 6months old I’m an older parent & baby is via ivf. I live in an inherited property which I had to raise a mortgage to pay off the other beneficiaries DH contributed 20% for purchase. I worked 9months into pregnancy & we had discussed I would like a year off. This changed after DH parents stayed with us. I have since continued to pay for all bills, mortgages baby’s clothes , foods nappies. Unfortunately my company have reduced my maternity pay. I have approached subject with DH if he would financially allow me to take full year. My DH is a high earner on a salary of £96k he stated he will provide £900pm towards the running costs of house& baby supplies only. Am I being unreasonable as feel this is not enough & will still leave me financially struggling. I want to enjoy my baby my DH does not assist around the house & only spends 20mins with baby here & there. I feel like I have to beg to try to increase this allowance. Am I being unreasonable & this will not cover all our living costs. I feel this has caused a strain in our marriage, I could go back to work but feel I will miss my baby & do not feel mentally prepared. I do not like to depend on DH and never have throughout relationship as he is very stingey.
Am I being reasonable this causing me mental & emotional suffering not knowing if he will increase allowance or even give me £900pm. He has a million pound property which he rents & receives income on top of his salary but never financially contributes towards baby or bills etc for the last 4years of being together.

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 15/03/2022 14:01

He is financial abusive. Don’t stay with this man.

iihgrrfgh · 15/03/2022 14:24

Do you have a expense diary that you can show him? This should give him a better idea. See what he says?

Ragwort · 15/03/2022 14:28

He sounds horrendous .... did he not want to have a baby? How can you get so far with IVF and then not care about financially supporting you? Sad. I would have no respect for someone like that... look into how you could manage on your own.

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Original poster
Serena74 · 15/03/2022 15:05

We both decided on our ivf after I suffered a miscarriage which he really was not emotionally there for me. To this day even with my beautiful baby I still cry for the cold I lost.
He wants another child via ivf also but I’m scared as I feel he will financially it will be a strain . I try to voice this but he reassures it won’t but when I have asked for financial support since my maternity pay reduced I feel I have to beg & justify why I need him to support financial the household bills & baby expense. I feel scared feel this affecting my time with beautiful baby.
He has offered £900pm only when I said this may not be enough he said he would think about an increase. I hate being in the position to ask him as I’ve squats known how he was with money & throughout relationship I’ve always been financially independent even though I earn far less than him.
I just wonder am I being unreasonable & accept the what he has offered as I do t think it will get any better. I just feel very alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serena74 · 15/03/2022 15:09

Concerning expense diary I e tried to explain the £900 pm offered will not be enough & I can show him the cost of utilities as well as groceries, mortgage & baby expense. However he said I don’t need to . I’m a new mum overtired & when he asked for a figure I said £900 pm but when I had time to digest & state it will not be enough & felt pressure to provide a figure. He says I said £900pm & he sticks to that . He will not have an open discussion with me. Which leaves more stressed & feeling I need to return to work do I don’t need to ask anything from him. But at the same time I want to spend time with my baby. I feel very pressured in returning to work so I can tell him where to shove his money.

OP posts:
LaraDeSalle · 15/03/2022 15:10

Offered? He should be contributing not offering!

He sounds a right catch.

I couldn’t put up with someone like that and why does he want a second child if he is ambivalent towards the one he’s already got?

Original poster
Serena74 · 15/03/2022 15:13

When I miscarried I rushed to into ivf I agreed then we would have more than one child. But I never thought financially he would make me feel like I have to beg for support. He said we would be ok & I believed him so as I agreed in the past he holds me to that.
I just don’t know as I feel maybe he is helping in his way but I know it’s not enough . I just feel very alone in this.

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/03/2022 15:34

Your husband earns 96k?????

You and your baby should want for NOTHING. It should not even be a consideration.

He is a financially abusive, controlling bastard. Divorce him and take him to cleaners.

TheWeeDonkey · 15/03/2022 15:35

How long have you been married?

DH and I have separate bank accounts and he earns much more than me but we split outgoings as a proportion of our income rather than say 50/50 which I wouldn't be able to do and have a life.

He needs to see his income as family money and not a gift he bequeathes to you.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/03/2022 15:45

If you're married then all money is family money.

Imo there should be no splitting bills. It's a marriage, not a house share. The money in one pot and everything comes out of it. No man worth anything splits hairs about money with his wife. Especially not when he earns far more money.

Original poster
Serena74 · 15/03/2022 16:07

We have been married for 2years. I did suggest to split everything in proportion but he was extremely dismissive .
He said when I asked for an extra £50 on he has to think about it & the initial figure was £900 I tried to explain. I felt pressure to provide a figure and after evaluation realised it would not be enough. He stated - It’s the first figure I gave him & that’s it.
I wish I wasn’t in this situation but when we got married he wanted a big wedding & said the brides family traditionally pay for this . I spent my inheritance on the wedding he wanted thinking he will change. He makes me feel I’m being unreasonable I know compared to others I’m not in a bad situation , but when I know he can financially support more I don’t understand why he won’t when he can .

I know he’s not s bad person & im probably not easy to live with as exhausted new mum. But I feel I just need him to say it will be ok & he’s not going to. Should I accept what he’s offered . I just don’t know anymore.

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 15/03/2022 16:17

He IS a bad person.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 15/03/2022 16:23

@iihgrrfgh

Do you have a expense diary that you can show him? This should give him a better idea. See what he says?
Wtf! She shouldn’t have to show him the expenses they should be a team contributing to the household together. He sounds financially abusive - an expense diary would give him further ammunition to be abusive!
springtimeishereagain · 15/03/2022 16:53

He is an awful person.

He made you pay for your wedding.
He made you pay for all IVF.
He won't support you.
He does fuck all parenting or housework.

Leave him, see a SHL and take him to the cleaners. Horrible bastard.

Iuwiwo · 15/03/2022 17:00

What’s with these useless men. Go back to work, split all bills including childcare according to salary

femfemlicious · 15/03/2022 17:00

@Serena74 seriously are you listening to yourself?. Please start seeing a therapist to work out why you are allowing this man to treat you like this?.

Why are you paying all the bills. Why did you pay for the wedding with your inheritance because he wants a big wedding?

DelphiniumBlue · 15/03/2022 17:02

If you were divorce him, I suspect you would be much better off.

sairiegamp · 15/03/2022 17:04

So there's a cultural issue here yes? I suggest you go to your cultural-specific religious lead and get them to kick your DH up the backside

Raindancer411 · 15/03/2022 17:16

If he has no time for a first, then a second isn't going to work. You will have twice the care as he won't help... Sorry but he won't change so you need to start getting your ducks in a row. You may need to go it alone in future.

Cloudsanddaffodils · 15/03/2022 17:20

Why would you want another child with someone so financially abusive? Or someone who doesnt even send time with the child he already has?
Have you any other family support? I think you need to make plans for life with your child anc without him where you can be financially independent of this awful man

lady725516 · 15/03/2022 17:30

He sounds awful. You're a family, the money should all be shared.
Personally I would be looking into getting divorced

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DelphiniumBlue · 15/03/2022 17:55

Oh no, wrong thread. I'm sorry.

TheWeeDonkey · 15/03/2022 17:56

Oh no, this is not good. You're making a he'll of a lot of excuses for his behaviour (which is not good by the way). He's been pushing your boundaries and taking advantage of you from the start. I know its not easier but if you dont start standing up for yourself he will get worse and you will become a shell of yourself and no good man what's that for his spouse.

Do not have another child with him, it will only make you more reliant on him and give him another excuse as to why you are not his ideal wife.

beattieedny · 15/03/2022 17:59

Jesus Christ, op, this guy is bad news. You've given him a child! He sounds awful.