Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Unsupportive husband on maternity leave

56 replies

Serena74 · 15/03/2022 13:58

Serena74

I’ve had a baby 6months old I’m an older parent & baby is via ivf. I live in an inherited property which I had to raise a mortgage to pay off the other beneficiaries DH contributed 20% for purchase. I worked 9months into pregnancy & we had discussed I would like a year off. This changed after DH parents stayed with us. I have since continued to pay for all bills, mortgages baby’s clothes , foods nappies. Unfortunately my company have reduced my maternity pay. I have approached subject with DH if he would financially allow me to take full year. My DH is a high earner on a salary of £96k he stated he will provide £900pm towards the running costs of house& baby supplies only. Am I being unreasonable as feel this is not enough & will still leave me financially struggling. I want to enjoy my baby my DH does not assist around the house & only spends 20mins with baby here & there. I feel like I have to beg to try to increase this allowance. Am I being unreasonable & this will not cover all our living costs. I feel this has caused a strain in our marriage, I could go back to work but feel I will miss my baby & do not feel mentally prepared. I do not like to depend on DH and never have throughout relationship as he is very stingey.
Am I being reasonable this causing me mental & emotional suffering not knowing if he will increase allowance or even give me £900pm. He has a million pound property which he rents & receives income on top of his salary but never financially contributes towards baby or bills etc for the last 4years of being together.

OP posts:
FAQs · 15/03/2022 17:59

Blimey this is one of the worse financial abuse threads I’ve read on this website 😟

Makeitsoso · 15/03/2022 18:00

He sounds awful. It makes me so unbelievably sad how many women are dealing with financial abuse whilst vulnerable with a new baby.

My DH was a student when we had both our children. He covered everything we needed and went without in order to make sure we had everything we needed. There is no excuse for men not providing for their partner and children during maternity leave and contributing fairly beyond that.
It’s just abuse. It’s makes me so angry for you that he earns so much and you are considering cutting short your MAT leave due to finances. Will he be contributing to your shared childcare costs?

Honestly, why are you with him?

Shelby2010 · 15/03/2022 18:06

Use the money to pay the mortgage. Give him beans on toast for tea every day. Make sure you keep enough money aside as a getaway fund.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General money Relationship problems
Roundeartheratchriatmas · 15/03/2022 18:10

This is financial abuse and he is not a good man.

Geranium1984 · 15/03/2022 18:14

Sorry you're being treated like this, it is not fair and it's not right.
My husband and I see our money as family money. Before we had my son my husband was starting a new business and wasn't earning anything so I tended to pay for groceries, holidays, house stuff etc. We do live in his flat he purchased before I met him mortage free though so it's not like he never contributed.
Then luckily just as I was going on maternity he began drawing a bit of a salary. I took 1yr off, some was unpaid and now I'm back at work 3 days per week so earn less than I used to. We both decided I wouldn't go back to work full time as we didn't want our son at nursery every day, I am able to take him out and do fun things and this young toddler stage doesn't last long.
My husband has much higher earning potential than I do, so it makes sense for him to be the one working full time.
Anyway the point is we both pay into a joint account and spend out of that.

Would be interesting to see how your husband views approaches like this and whether he considers his assets 50% yours/family.
I find it a bit bizarre that he is living in your house and not contributing to the utilities or his child. How will things be split when your child is in childcare or school? What about family holidays?
Sounds like you need a big conversion about where you stand.
Xx

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 15/03/2022 18:21

when we got married he wanted a big wedding & said the brides family traditionally pay for this
If he wants to play this game then tell him that traditionally the woman controls the finances.

Original poster
Serena74 · 15/03/2022 18:22

Thank you all the truth is I think with being a new mum the lack of financial & emotional support. I do feel like a shell of myself. To be independent from him I feel I will have to return back to work even though I feel mentally unprepared. I’m just exhausted by it all. And it I am making excuses for bad behaviour - this is not right. I just feel he gets his way constantly & will see this as a win as won’t have to financially contribute what little he has offered.

OP posts:
Nidan2Sandan · 15/03/2022 18:25

He's financially abusive.

Speak to womens aid. This is domestic abuse.

DV isnt always violence.

Seek help OP.

cansu · 15/03/2022 18:26

If your husband is as well off as you say then it should not be an issue. You will be better off without him. Look at what you can get out of this marriage. You are entitled to your joint assets. It seems to me that you need to stand up to him. No I wouldn't want another child.
How about telling him you don't want anotehr child with someone who doesn't share the load and has little interest in the child he has. Maybe you should also say that his penny pinching control is making you wonder if you would be better off financially divorced.

boyblue · 15/03/2022 18:29

A divorce is what you need & take every penny you can get

Quartz2208 · 15/03/2022 18:31

He sounds like an awful person.

He is your husband and the father of your child and you pretty much pay for everything and he keeps all his money

Why stay with him Op because you are in a bad situation with a financially abusive and by the sounds of it controlling man

Kisskiss · 15/03/2022 18:33

It seems there are 2 seperate issues here - he’s not helping with the baby and the financial side of things.

He should help with the baby, it’s his baby too right? Taking care of a child all on your own is exhausting and isolating. He should be well able to pitch in after work and on weekends..

Regarding money, how much does everything cost per month? Besides bills, baby items, he should really also be contributing to ‘rental costs’ , or the mortgage, or he needs to split the rental in one from his property with you. If he refuses, then tell him you want to rent out your house, keep the rental income and you can both live in his property instead.. as others have said, wirk out a monthly household expenses diary and figure out what a fair split is

SoItWas · 15/03/2022 18:34

Am I wrong in thinking that if you left him, he would owe you an enormous amount in maintenance?

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/03/2022 18:37

Look at the CMS calculator. As you have such a young baby the DC will be with you most of the time so how much will he have to pay?

I’d be sorting out a SHL and putting this marriage to bed.

endofthelinefinally · 15/03/2022 18:38

You need to speak to women's aid and a really good divorce lawyer. They might be able to recommend one. Meanwhile, get your ducks in a row. Do not tell him you are thinking of separating. Look on the relationships board for detailed advice about what you need to do. There is lots of good information there about getting the ducks lined up.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/03/2022 18:44

He sounds incredibly financially abusive. What is he spending the money on? I would definitely not have another child with this man.

My DH and I have our salaries paid into our joint account, pay all bills from there and then put the rest in savings with a small amount going into each of our personal accounts for spending. I was on maternity leave last year and my pay dropped significantly. DH’s pay had to cover most of the bills but we consider all money joint so it made no difference who earned it. It was just a smaller amount into savings and personal spending.

Ragwort · 15/03/2022 18:48

This is appalling, my DH earned much less than half of your DH's salary but from the day we married we have shared a bank account, I don't need to 'ask' if I want money. My DH was fully supportive that I became a SAHM when we had our DC (& shared full household duties, all childcare at weekends etc to give me a rest - so he wasn't expecting a 'housewife').

tigerpants800 · 15/03/2022 19:26

It's so lovely that you want to be at home with your child. It's great that you you've established financial independence.
There seems to be something missing between you and your partner. Women and men can't be equal when it comes to having children. It's not logical.

Your partner sounds emotionally stunted. But you have a 6 month baby and need emotional support.

Could you speak up and very directly confront this part of him. Have you ever accused him to his face, of the things you've told us here?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/03/2022 19:32

Women and men can't be equal when it comes to having children. It's not logical.

Why not? No, men can’t be pregnant and give birth or breastfeed but they can do everything else related to having children.

tigerpants800 · 15/03/2022 19:54

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

Women and men can't be equal when it comes to having children. It's not logical.

Why not? No, men can’t be pregnant and give birth or breastfeed but they can do everything else related to having children.

Because the woman becomes vulnerable from conception, and needs the support of a loving, protective and responsible man. I don't see thinking in terms of 'equality' as healthy or helpful. A man and woman's role in making children is not comparable.
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/03/2022 20:12

@tigerpants800

You’re right in women becoming vulnerable. It’s a shame this is the case.

In terms of paying for them, caring for them, etc… it should be equal.

tigerpants800 · 15/03/2022 20:15

[quote BeingATwatItsABingThing]@tigerpants800

You’re right in women becoming vulnerable. It’s a shame this is the case.

In terms of paying for them, caring for them, etc… it should be equal.[/quote]
Says who?

gamerchick · 15/03/2022 20:18

Tell him there's no way you're having another baby with him because he's a tight cunt who would leave you financially struggling and that you would be better off without him completely money wise

This won't get better. You need to get the bugger told.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 15/03/2022 20:30

@tigerpants800

Are you saying men should not be equally responsible for the financial burden and care of their children? Hmm

LittleOwl153 · 15/03/2022 20:43

Realistically you need to leave him and get the divorce lawyer to sort him financially.

However as you are unlikely to do that I'd suggest the following:

If hebwont up the £900 to a sensible figure which doesn't leave you struggling... pay the mortgage and household bills first. Then feed and clothe yourself and your child. Then if there is anything left feed him. Buy nothing else for him. If you don't have enough money then serve cheap beans on toast - when he complains tell him there is no money for expensive food.

He pays a sum equivalent to all the household bills shopping etc over each month from now. When you return to work you share this cost equivalent to salary - do not let him live off you anymore. And include in this household cost all of the nursery fees for dc - do not be lumbered with those either. Of he doesnt pay stop feeding him or paying anything out for him.

If you agree to more children / ivf then he pays for all the IVF - after all you paid for the last one - and he sets up a fund of the equivalent of all the household costs again for a year before you start.

Earning £94k a year this tight twat is bringing home over £5000 a month...

But just kick him out.
Assuming he is paying a 15% pension he would owe you £715 a month in child maintenance. I bet his expensive tastes would shave the difference off your budget.

Swipe left for the next trending thread