Family making upsetting comments about my DS

[Chewibacka]

Have NC as this is outing. My DS is 5 and loves sparkly things and rainbows. He also likes traditionally "boy" things like cars, lego, etc etc. For his birthday which is coming up next month he wants to have a "rainbow sparkle" themed party. There is a rainbow sequinned cape, tutu and matching wand he saw in a shop and he was desparate for it to wear at said party. We've duly bought it for him as a surprise. However I've had multiple comments from family members (one side of the family in particular) now saying he is "too old" to be wearing sparkly things and the like, and calling him the feminine version of his name to his face (like say his name is Simon, they'll say "oh, are you being Simone today?"). Every time this happens I say "ignore X, they're being silly", and then they get annoyed with me and accuse me of being too sensitive.

He is home educated due to SEN and, I think partly due to this, has no real concept of gender at all yet (thank god). He knows girls and boys are biologically different but he has no real idea that people think certain things are meant for girls and certain things are meant for boys. I consider myself to be gender critical so long may this continue.

The comments are driving me mad. How have others handled this?

I would probably limit contact as much as possible. Nobody should be teasing your child, especially fully grown adults.

It's a hard one I find because you end up labelled a raging woke feminist for calling out anyone saying this kind of bs.

I find a simple 'he/she likes what they like, please dont make those comments' is enough to stop it at least temporarily. There's always the gender is a societal stereotype that is damaging to everyone conversation if you have the mental and emotional energy for it.

My ds is 2 but is often playing with (his sisters) dolls, barbies, dress up etc and I've had to shut people down for making similar comments. Equally I've been told my dd6 will be 'bullied' for liking martial arts, power rangers, anime and Pokémon because they're 'boy' things 🙄 my standard reply is 'it says more about anyone bullying her for being interesting'.

Jeez, he is five- so little . What is wrong with people? Why would they comment? I’d be harsher if they dared say anything.

Just tell them to pipe down. He sounds like a fab kid who loves a sparkly rainbow.
The old 'if you can't say something nice, say nothing' works here too.
It says more about their narrow ways of thinking than anything.

I agree with @MajesticallyAwkward. Treat them like you would do your son if he says something unpleasant. Look them in the eye and say “don’t say unkind things people” and perhaps add you’re an in this situation so I am disappointed that you calling a child names.

It makes me so angry with myself that I let these comments get to me TBH. Why can't he just like what he likes without people trying to insinuate anything into it?

Half the problem is that the "older" generation in the family are not OK with gender ideology and think this somehow means that my DS is headed in a "trans" direction. What they seem to not understand at all is that I am also not OK with gender ideology (for totally different reasons to them), and that the whole point is that liking a sparkly cape does not a girl make.

You could buy a copy of My Body Is Me by Rachel Rooney and show it to the adults. It's a picture book but hopefully should get the message across that obviously you can be a boy and like sparkly things etc.

I tried to make the point once that telling XYZ was "for girls" was WAY more in keeping with gender ideology than anything else. They did not get it.

A Paddington hard stare and a fuck off should suffice.

It’s so ridiculous isn’t it- my bill was very cross that ds let Dn paint his toenails in case it magically had an effect on his sexuality- funnily enough it didn’t. My friend as a child in the eighties wanted to be a boy for 10 Years! Luckily it was the eighties and her mum was all ‘whatever dear, go outside to play’ She’s married with two children now. To make you feel better, we encourage this in our school- play with what you like!

I would go very LC,Op.

I think in your situation I’d tackle that head on, with a lot of why questions. It’s actually a very difficult subject to defend when you’re put on the spot, but most people don’t think deeply about it. If you keep it calm, and maintain a slightly baffled curiosity you might find that they can’t justify themselves.

For the older generation it might be worth pointing out examples of children who have been transitioned, precisely because their parents couldn’t accept that they weren’t confirming to gender stereotypes.

For the younger woke ones I’d bracket it off with religious beliefs or call them out on the unkindness of name calling a child with SN.

I would be speaking to said family members and say they have a choice
One, agree to make no comments and continue to enjoy a relationship with the child or two don't have any form of relationship

I know a family with a little boy like yours, op. His favourite colours are pink, purple, and rainbow. His older sister's favourite colour is blue. The parents don't care a jot, just as it should be - and I personally think having rainbow as one's favourite colour reveals an efficient and pragmatic sort of character.

If I was in your situation, I would limit contact with such people, and I would explain why. They are being hurtful to a small child, and they should be ashamed of themselves.

I don't even want them to come to his party tbh. As it will just be comments all day. I have to protect him from that.

One family member said "wouldn't you prefer a spiderman party?". DS hasn't got the first clue who the fuck spiderman is.

If your looking for party decorations the range had a whole section of a rainbow with silver sparklers theme

We got it today for a family party on Sunday and it looks great

I'd let him wear what he wants

I had this years ago

My son wanted to be a girl

He’d pray every night that his Willy would drop off and he’d be a girl

I explained that was wasn’t going to happen but he could be who he wanted to be but I couldn’t chop that bit off!

He loved princesses,anything pink,dollies,rainbows,Barbie,glitter,his pink princess dolly,pink make up,his princess lunch box,his ‘dolly pram’,his princess crown,dresses and wig etc

I painted his room pink bought him a Disney duvet set and we had princess parties on his birthday-you’ve never seen a child with such a wide grin,blowing out his pink candles on his princess cake while dressed up as Snow White

You wouldn’t believe the comments-from ‘you can’t wear that dress!your a boy!’ ‘I’m just going to take the piss and call you the female version of your name’ ‘get his fucking hair cut-he’s a boy’ ‘he’ll grow up to be a puff’ and my brother once said ‘he’ll grow up to be a paedo’

I told them one by one,very calmly,to wind their bloody necks in and if I heard just one comment,just one,I’d cut contact with that person after ripping their heads off their necks

My son liked what he liked-it was naff all to do with anyone else-and I did cut contact with a quite a few people

He’s grown up to be a lovely boy who’s sensitive and loyal to his loved ones

(And I have the photos for his wedding day)

You’re never too old for sparkles, only boring grumpy people dislike sparkly things.

My son loves sparkles, bright colours and rainbows, if someone told him it was a silly thing to like etc he would put them straight, and he has done before. He also loves ballet and happily tells ignorant adults that boys and girls have to be very strong and work very hard to do ballet.

The thing is in terms of the toys he likes he's very "boy" - lego, construction stuff, vehicles and so on. He's never been into imaginative play or dollies or anything like that (not that I'd have cared if he had been). It's really solely what he likes to wear and the colours he likes. Pink is his favourite colour and he just loves anything with either sequins or rainbows.

It makes me so angry with myself that I let these comments get to me
Um…they should get to you. Your child is being mocked and bullied and it’s been allowed to happen repeatedly?

I would be considering whether I wanted people who want to push adult stereotypes and prejudices onto children are people that I would want to have any contact with my children.

Hard when its family but stern words and warnings would certainly be given.

Child comes first. Cut off adults who bully your son!!

I would tell them in advance and let them know that they arent welcome if they cant keep quiet. Your son shouldnt be bullied on his birthday.
Its completely normal at that age that they are drawn to colorful sparkly items. DS was exactly the same. Didnt help that he was the only boy in the family surrounded by girls (all my siblings, cousins and friends have girls).
He is 7 now and school (his friends at school) taught him that there are girl items and boy items. He would never wear a shiny pink glitter dress anymore now
Kids pick up on these things soon enough! They should just be left to play with what they want.

I think it's unacceptable for family members to say something like this and think it's ok. It's totally out of order and unforgiveable.
Shame them for being ignorant, if they say you are too sensitive. Don't let them see your dc until they change their attitude.

I feel ya! My friend has a daughter who loves orange, football, cars etc. I love it because she in no way want to be a boy or thinking she's a boy, she just likes what she likes. Hooray to breaking down gender expectations so people who don't like what society has decided is a boy thing or girl thing don't start thinking they were born in the wrong body.