Family making upsetting comments about my DS

[Chewibacka]

Have NC as this is outing. My DS is 5 and loves sparkly things and rainbows. He also likes traditionally "boy" things like cars, lego, etc etc. For his birthday which is coming up next month he wants to have a "rainbow sparkle" themed party. There is a rainbow sequinned cape, tutu and matching wand he saw in a shop and he was desparate for it to wear at said party. We've duly bought it for him as a surprise. However I've had multiple comments from family members (one side of the family in particular) now saying he is "too old" to be wearing sparkly things and the like, and calling him the feminine version of his name to his face (like say his name is Simon, they'll say "oh, are you being Simone today?"). Every time this happens I say "ignore X, they're being silly", and then they get annoyed with me and accuse me of being too sensitive.

He is home educated due to SEN and, I think partly due to this, has no real concept of gender at all yet (thank god). He knows girls and boys are biologically different but he has no real idea that people think certain things are meant for girls and certain things are meant for boys. I consider myself to be gender critical so long may this continue.

The comments are driving me mad. How have others handled this?

You don't need to "correct" older generations. They're not "wrong"/"ignorant". Your opinions are as biased and influenced by your culture, by the media you consume, and by the values of your day, as theirs are.

I do need to correct them when they’re spouting sexist bullshit around my kids, actually. Saying that DD isn’t a doctor in her doctors dressing up outfit and repeatedly calling her a nurse, why? Because girls can’t be doctors? It’s sexism. And equally, I don’t want my DS being told that he can’t wear pink, play with dolls etc, for the same reasons.

As for it being based off of the culture and societal norms, I suggest you take a look back at the norms of the past. In the late 1800s pink was typically used for boys, and blue for girls. If you look at catalogues from the 60s you will frequently see boys and girls both wearing the same clothes (gender neutral as hand me downs were far more common) and toys were also marketed at both genders far more frequently than if you look at a catalogue from the 90s/00s. There was none of this ‘girl versions’ of toys back then, as children shared toys, the girls didn’t get a separate set of pink building blocks, it just wasn’t necessary. In fact there’s a well known Lego advert from I think the 80s, of a girl playing with Lego. She recently recreated it as an adult and talked about the changes she’s seen in marketing of Lego over the years. It’s simply due to marketing, companies know they can sell more if they make a boy and girl version as people buy into it and end up buying more. My mother was born in the 60s, that was the socialisation she has a young child, her attitude has changed over the years as somehow the colour or type of toy has become associated with affecting a child’s sexuality.

So yes I will correct them, because times are changing (mirroring the past in fact!) and they need to adapt with it.

@Chewibacka

I'd rather not wear a bra when going out, but I do.

I don't wear anything I don't want to wear. Including, more often than not, a bra.

That's why I said "with some exceptions".

@Babynames2

You don't need to "correct" older generations. They're not "wrong"/"ignorant". Your opinions are as biased and influenced by your culture, by the media you consume, and by the values of your day, as theirs are.

I do need to correct them when they’re spouting sexist bullshit around my kids, actually. Saying that DD isn’t a doctor in her doctors dressing up outfit and repeatedly calling her a nurse, why? Because girls can’t be doctors? It’s sexism. And equally, I don’t want my DS being told that he can’t wear pink, play with dolls etc, for the same reasons.

As for it being based off of the culture and societal norms, I suggest you take a look back at the norms of the past. In the late 1800s pink was typically used for boys, and blue for girls. If you look at catalogues from the 60s you will frequently see boys and girls both wearing the same clothes (gender neutral as hand me downs were far more common) and toys were also marketed at both genders far more frequently than if you look at a catalogue from the 90s/00s. There was none of this ‘girl versions’ of toys back then, as children shared toys, the girls didn’t get a separate set of pink building blocks, it just wasn’t necessary. In fact there’s a well known Lego advert from I think the 80s, of a girl playing with Lego. She recently recreated it as an adult and talked about the changes she’s seen in marketing of Lego over the years. It’s simply due to marketing, companies know they can sell more if they make a boy and girl version as people buy into it and end up buying more. My mother was born in the 60s, that was the socialisation she has a young child, her attitude has changed over the years as somehow the colour or type of toy has become associated with affecting a child’s sexuality.

So yes I will correct them, because times are changing (mirroring the past in fact!) and they need to adapt with it.

Oh I'm well-aware that these norms aren't. They evolve from age to age and culture and culture, but that doesn't mean they don't exist or that they are "wrong".

*aren't fixed

It's just the same as how the concept of modesty has varied massively between ages and cultures. In some, it means not wearing too much designer clothing. In others, it means covering your head, or not shaving your beard. Just because norms aren't fixed doesn't mean that there is something inherently wrong about them, or that breaking them is necessarily virtuous.

But then surely you understand why parents wouldn’t want people, particularly close family members of the child to be spouting this around them? And would be wanting and expecting them to at least watch what they say, if they aren’t going to adapt? We know it’s harmful for boys to hear about being manly, about not liking ‘girly’ things, about not crying. We know that suicide rates are higher in men, likely because their socialisation experiences teach them not to talk about feelings as that’s not ‘manly’. And we know that girls are underrepresented in STEM fields. And that’s without even getting started on its affect on gender identity and the issues there at the moment.

Why defend it as being ‘of their time’? My 91 year old gran grew up in a time where racism was prevalent, she’s moved with the times and doesn’t hold the same beliefs now. My other gran grew up in a homophobic family (and era) and she is fully supportive now of her lesbian granddaughter. Would it be okay for either of them to be racist or homophobic now because that was the culture they grew up in? Obviously not. And this is sexism, so it’s an equivalent issue.

@Babynames2

But then surely you understand why parents wouldn’t want people, particularly close family members of the child to be spouting this around them? And would be wanting and expecting them to at least watch what they say, if they aren’t going to adapt? We know it’s harmful for boys to hear about being manly, about not liking ‘girly’ things, about not crying. We know that suicide rates are higher in men, likely because their socialisation experiences teach them not to talk about feelings as that’s not ‘manly’. And we know that girls are underrepresented in STEM fields. And that’s without even getting started on its affect on gender identity and the issues there at the moment.

Why defend it as being ‘of their time’? My 91 year old gran grew up in a time where racism was prevalent, she’s moved with the times and doesn’t hold the same beliefs now. My other gran grew up in a homophobic family (and era) and she is fully supportive now of her lesbian granddaughter. Would it be okay for either of them to be racist or homophobic now because that was the culture they grew up in? Obviously not. And this is sexism, so it’s an equivalent issue.

I don't disagree with everything you're saying, but there are some things I think we have just accepted because it's what we hear from the media without there actually being any evidence for it. A lot of it is an overflow from Rousseauean philosophy and Romanticism, which has seeped into the mainstream without any rigorous sociological investigation (such as the idea that our souls are important than our bodies, or that societal constraints are fundamentally repressive and bad). But that's a bigger issue.

We know it’s harmful for boys to hear about being manly, about not liking ‘girly’ things, about not crying. We know that suicide rates are higher in men, likely because their socialisation experiences teach them not to talk about feelings as that’s not ‘manly’. You said it yourself, it's "likely because of their socialisation experiences". There isn't actually any evidence to support this. Many people equally argue that the fact that men process sadness differently (ie. not crying) is not harmful; that talking about feelings does not have the same benefits for men as it does for women; and that aspiring some forms of manliness are very beneficial for men in terms of their mental health and the wider societal advantages. I'm not saying all of that is absolutely true or proven, but it's as least as proven and valid as the things you have just presumed to be scientific fact. Also, gender studies is not a scientific field, and considering it to be one has had a terrible impact on our public services.

I don't think they are being ignorant or bigoted; theirs is a natural reaction to seeing long-standing social norms being transgressed.

Their reaction is to bully a five year old - we all understand society's norms and how they are culturally flexible, but mocking and being unkind to a child is unacceptable, whatever your reasons for doing it.

@DysmalRadius

I don't think they are being ignorant or bigoted; theirs is a natural reaction to seeing long-standing social norms being transgressed.

Their reaction is to bully a five year old - we all understand society's norms and how they are culturally flexible, but mocking and being unkind to a child is unacceptable, whatever your reasons for doing it.

Yes totally agree - I just don't think their instinctive reaction is necessarily "bad". Expressing it in a bullying way is, of course - especially to a small boy with SEN.

My son was obsessed with pink and sparkles age 3-6. (Most boys would be if not bullied out of it by sexist parents.) We just went with it but were lucky not to know any adults like the ones you describe.

We did get some “but pink is for girls” comments from little girls. I told them they had to either stop wearing any blue in their own clothes, or they had to share pink with boys. They decided to share the pink.

Now he’s all about army gear and light sabres lol.

People are mean, and weird.

DS also loved pink and purple (but otherwise is very into stereotypical boy stuff). Sadly now he's at school (age 6) he's changed his favorite color to red. I hope it isn't peer pressure.

It's good to support your kid to like what they want to.

Separately I am often amazed that adults will mock small children at all. It's mean and the kids get confused and hurt. I have several times had otherwise apparently well meaning adults poke fun at DS's accent (we are English and live in America so he has a strange mixture), copying what he says in a funny way, etc. I can't understand why anyone thinks it's appropriate.

I think you're wrong to try to explain the difference between being gender critical and being supportive of gender stereotypes. Both would allow their child to wear rainbows and sprinkles. Also, this isn't an argument about gender. It's about adults bullying a child. Pull them up every time. Either with humour 'aren't they silly? of course boys can wear sparkles' Or directly 'his name is x and if you can't use it then you're not welcome here'.

@Mylittlepixie

He is 7 now and school (his friends at school) taught him that there are girl items and boy items. He would never wear a shiny pink glitter dress anymore now

That's really sad. How much nicer would the world be if more men wore shiny pink glitter dresses?

I think OP is parenting her son brilliantly, and should tell her sexist homophobic relatives to fuck off and leave him alone. Just let kids be kids.

Tell them not to bother coming to the party if they can’t be polite and kind to your son

They’re the problem here

I went no contact for a while after this happened to us. I think they realised their mistake as they stopped when we saw them again.

DS sounds so sensitive and adorable, please don’t let him near those absurdly mean adults who might end up embarrassing him and breaking his spirits. I’d not bring him back around unless they stop.

Boys can love sparkles, rainbows, flowers, etc. I hate to see the light behind children’s eyes dim because of stupid societal “rules.”