Family making upsetting comments about my DS

[Chewibacka]

Have NC as this is outing. My DS is 5 and loves sparkly things and rainbows. He also likes traditionally "boy" things like cars, lego, etc etc. For his birthday which is coming up next month he wants to have a "rainbow sparkle" themed party. There is a rainbow sequinned cape, tutu and matching wand he saw in a shop and he was desparate for it to wear at said party. We've duly bought it for him as a surprise. However I've had multiple comments from family members (one side of the family in particular) now saying he is "too old" to be wearing sparkly things and the like, and calling him the feminine version of his name to his face (like say his name is Simon, they'll say "oh, are you being Simone today?"). Every time this happens I say "ignore X, they're being silly", and then they get annoyed with me and accuse me of being too sensitive.

He is home educated due to SEN and, I think partly due to this, has no real concept of gender at all yet (thank god). He knows girls and boys are biologically different but he has no real idea that people think certain things are meant for girls and certain things are meant for boys. I consider myself to be gender critical so long may this continue.

The comments are driving me mad. How have others handled this?

Um…they should get to you. Your child is being mocked and bullied and it’s been allowed to happen repeatedly?

Sorry, I meant more in terms of them getting to me as in thinking I'm not parenting my son correctly.

My ex refused to use pink pegs when hanging out his son's clothes on the line incase it made him gay. I used them once and he swapped things round. There's magical thinking and then there's pure batshittery. Just one of the reasons he's an ex.
If you can't tell them to fuck off then go low contact and definitely exclude them from his party on the grounds that they are sexist twats.

You sound like a lovely Mum and your little boy is so lucky to have you in his corner. My only criticism would be that you’re not being stern enough with these relatives of yours. Quite frankly, I’d be making it extremely clear to everyone who makes a comment, whether it be 19-year-old Cousin Jimmy or 85-year-old Auntie Lil, that if they date make any negative comments regarding your son and his penchant for sparkly rainbows then you will be ripping off their heads and shitting down their necks.

@CervixSampler

My ex refused to use pink pegs when hanging out his son's clothes on the line incase it made him gay. I used them once and he swapped things round. There's magical thinking and then there's pure batshittery. Just one of the reasons he's an ex. If you can't tell them to fuck off then go low contact and definitely exclude them from his party on the grounds that they are sexist twats.

Ooooh I had a husband like that. Went fucking mad when I pegged his shirts on the line using pink pegs so I pulled all the pegs off the line and let his shirts drop into the mud.

The same husband once turned to me, apropos of nothing by the way, and said, “If ever you gave me a gay son, I’d never forgive you”, like I could somehow choose a baby’s sexuality in utero just to piss him off 🙄

I often wonder where he’s spreading his homophobia now we’re divorced lol.

@CervixSampler

My ex refused to use pink pegs when hanging out his son's clothes on the line incase it made him gay. I used them once and he swapped things round. There's magical thinking and then there's pure batshittery. Just one of the reasons he's an ex. If you can't tell them to fuck off then go low contact and definitely exclude them from his party on the grounds that they are sexist twats.

Its a slippery slope, one week you accidentally use pink pegs, the next you’re pegging up your Versace jocks and and cleaning your genitals properly.

Ah I’m so jealous, he sounds just like my boy did, until he started school, now he’s so gendered it painful to listen

My father in law was a dick like this when our son was young. He actually called him a poof as well as making other inappropriate comments. My husband bollocked him up hill and down dale and made it very clear that this was not ok.

20 years later I’ve never forgiven him.

@Simonjt cleaning genitals you say? He wasn't much into that, sadly 🤢 His son (with me) has beautiful long blonde hair and quite a pretty face and watches all sorts of "girly" programs and doesn't give a fig about gender stereotypes. He likes what he likes and knows that others can like what they like too. Most of the boys in his class are into football and gaming. He has no interest whatsoever in football. I'm secretly very pleased about this. He likes all things dragons, all things mechanical engineering and True and the Rainbow Kingdom. I use whatever colour peg comes out of the bag and many times it's been a pink one but he's never caught "the gay" 🙄

Gender stereotypes and sexism wind being up so much.

Surely all 5 year olds love sparkly rainbow things I know my son does and no one has ever batted an eyelid.

Your family sounds awful. He's a little child of course he likes sparkles and rainbows, where is it written that these things are just for girls? The party you're planning for him sounds awesome, don't let them ruin it.

If I were you I would go round without him and explain very clearly what party it will be, and that you don't want a single comment. If you want to explain that he likes what he likes and you don't buy into gender ideology, so don't think that makes him a girl. Not obligatory, though. Make it clear: I am the parent, he is my child, I decide. Any comments and you'll be asked to leave.

He’s five. If you weren’t homeschooling, you’d probably feel less concerned because you’d quickly realise it’s not unusual in Reception class.

That's dreadful of them. What child doesn't like colour and sparkly things. My son has sparkly wellies at that age and trainers when he was a bit younger. He is nearly 8 now and would love another pair of sparkly wellies. He is just like I was as a little girl, he loves climbing trees, carving sticks, fishing, play shooting, making dens dancing around to music. I thought we were past putting people in boxes and just let them enjoy what they enjoy.

I'd be firm with the family and if they don't like it they can have limited access.

@Bluelillies

I had this years ago

My son wanted to be a girl

He’d pray every night that his Willy would drop off and he’d be a girl

I explained that was wasn’t going to happen but he could be who he wanted to be but I couldn’t chop that bit off!

He loved princesses,anything pink,dollies,rainbows,Barbie,glitter,his pink princess dolly,pink make up,his princess lunch box,his ‘dolly pram’,his princess crown,dresses and wig etc

I painted his room pink bought him a Disney duvet set and we had princess parties on his birthday-you’ve never seen a child with such a wide grin,blowing out his pink candles on his princess cake while dressed up as Snow White

You wouldn’t believe the comments-from ‘you can’t wear that dress!your a boy!’ ‘I’m just going to take the piss and call you the female version of your name’ ‘get his fucking hair cut-he’s a boy’ ‘he’ll grow up to be a puff’ and my brother once said ‘he’ll grow up to be a paedo’

I told them one by one,very calmly,to wind their bloody necks in and if I heard just one comment,just one,I’d cut contact with that person after ripping their heads off their necks

My son liked what he liked-it was naff all to do with anyone else-and I did cut contact with a quite a few people

He’s grown up to be a lovely boy who’s sensitive and loyal to his loved ones

(And I have the photos for his wedding day)

💕

If you weren’t homeschooling, you’d probably feel less concerned because you’d quickly realise it’s not unusual in Reception class

It isn't unusual in home ed groups either!

Which family members? Have you told them to fuck off yet?

I completely sympathise with you. My qlmost 4 year old loves cars,trains etc but also loves pink. He has pink rrainers, a new pink cycle helmet. I tore a strip if the bloke saying he only could have it if mummy says he can have pink as a boy. I pointed out I would buy anything that he would want to wear and pink isn't a gender.
His half brother is 17, knows he is a biy but likes to wear a skirt, I defend anyone to love what and who they want and wear whatever they like.
I had sharp words with my mum when I bought him 'girl pyjamas' as he likes the colours and the characters.
I also have had to tell him several times that he isn't a girl when he comes back from nursery as some other kids have told him he must be a girl if he likes pinks and rainbows. I was a toyboy and he has my old trainset.
Maybe we wouldn't have so many mental health issues if people were just allowed to like what they want. I just wish they would make more pink cars, vans etc.

The difference between home ed and normal schooling is definitely there, I think.
Children who are different face it regularly in school environment. People talk. People have opinions. And that will have effects on their children. So home educating is one thing that is better circumstances , I think.

My ds have long hair. He likes things like cooking, sewing, that stereo typical to female. He has been teased and mocked. It was my job to make him understand there's nothing wrong with it.
Since I'm fighting the world for him, I have no time to deal with bulling within the family. Luckily for me, my family wasn't stupid enough not to understand, they all took my ds as what he is. But if not, I wouldn't care enough to give them the time.

Your boy sounds fab! The relatives not so much. My little boy (3), also loves rainbow stuff, he has a rainbow water bottle for nursery, wears rainbow clothes (he picks them) and wants a rainbow on his wall when we move house. He wanted his nails painted yesterday which I did for him. His dad called him a pretty little girl! 😡. Words were spoken!

Hi , please make his party fancy dress , all people coming must have sparkles and rainbows .

My teenage son asked me to teach him to knit and on another occasion asked for a sewing machine for xmas. No husband by this stage. My mother said he had too much feminine influence and inferred I was going to turn him gay. Bit ironic as she always derided me as a child/teenager for not being feminine enough. I wouldn't have minded in the least if he was gay. He isn't as it turned out but is now a nurse and has to continue living with people's bigotted ideas of 'gender appropriate' occupations. Your son sounds delightful.... If only everybody was allowed to be themselves I'm sure there would be fewer problems in the world🌈 oh and one of his favourite tops when your sons age was a white sweatshirt with a rainbow on it which came in a bag full of hand me downs 😍

(Playing Devil's Advocate here. Wildly unpopular opinion alert.)
Pretty much society in the world has some categorisation of what are typically considered male and female clothes; these can vary wildly from Western ones (for the Masai, for example, men wear floral patterns). Such categories form part of our fundamental cognitive biases, which can be beneficial because they allow us to make assessments about others relatively quickly without having to ask masses of unnecessary and time-consuming questions. In Western societies, excessive decoration is now largely reserved for females, with some exceptions of course. In some societies it's the opposite. I don't think they are being ignorant or bigoted; theirs is a natural reaction to seeing long-standing social norms being transgressed. Of course, he's a little boy with SEN and so they could be much more gentle and tactful about it and consider whether their reactions are doing more harm than good. I remember being surprised when I saw boys in another country wearing tights. I didn't say anything of course because it wasn't my culture, so I had no right to impose my cognitive biases on them, but I don't think my reaction was "wrong". Whenever people operate outside societal norms, which are deeply ingrained into our psyche, and which are not necessary "bad", but just a pragmatic means of comporting the masses of information we take in all the time, the onus isn't on the rest of society to suppress these cognitive biases. We all conform to things that don't feel natural to us all the time for the sake of perpetuating a relatively culturally homogenous and cohesive society, with exceptions where individuals clearly come from a different culture. I'd rather not wear a bra when going out, but I do.

I have 2 girls and a 6 month old baby boy. My mother said to me recently (when talking about the overload of toys in our house) ‘it’ll be all garages and cars soon’, whilst she sat on one of those road map rugs in the playroom, in front of the DDs box of cars. When I pointed this out to her (and all of the DDs other ‘boy’ toys) she said ‘yes but he will want them’. She just didn’t get that the DDs wanted those toys as well. DD1 asked for a recycling truck for her 3rd birthday, MIL offered to get it but then made a huge fuss about how she felt ‘wrong’ buying a ‘boys toy’. Some people just can’t get past the gendered stuff. I tend to just correct it and move on when said in front of the DC, they’re growing up in a generation where more parents are more aware of not stereotyping clothing or toy choices, so I don’t think they’ll be as affected. Although DD picked up from paw patrol that blue = boy and pink = girl, it’s hard to stop them being exposed to it completely.

@Babynames2

I have 2 girls and a 6 month old baby boy. My mother said to me recently (when talking about the overload of toys in our house) ‘it’ll be all garages and cars soon’, whilst she sat on one of those road map rugs in the playroom, in front of the DDs box of cars. When I pointed this out to her (and all of the DDs other ‘boy’ toys) she said ‘yes but he will want them’. She just didn’t get that the DDs wanted those toys as well. DD1 asked for a recycling truck for her 3rd birthday, MIL offered to get it but then made a huge fuss about how she felt ‘wrong’ buying a ‘boys toy’. Some people just can’t get past the gendered stuff. I tend to just correct it and move on when said in front of the DC, they’re growing up in a generation where more parents are more aware of not stereotyping clothing or toy choices, so I don’t think they’ll be as affected. Although DD picked up from paw patrol that blue = boy and pink = girl, it’s hard to stop them being exposed to it completely.

You don't need to "correct" older generations. They're not "wrong"/"ignorant". Your opinions are as biased and influenced by your culture, by the media you consume, and by the values of your day, as theirs are.

"Barfield never made me an Anthroposophist, but his counterattacks destroyed forever two elements in my own thought. In the first place he made short work of what I have called my "chronological snobbery," the uncritical acceptance of the intellectual climate common to our own age and the assumption that whatever has gone out of date is on that account discredited. You must find why it went out of date. Was it ever refuted (and if so by whom, where, and how conclusively) or did it merely die away as fashions do? If the latter, this tells us nothing about its truth or falsehood. From seeing this, one passes to the realization that our own age is also "a period," and certainly has, like all periods, its own characteristic illusions. They are likeliest to lurk in those widespread assumptions which are so ingrained in the age that no one dares to attack or feels it necessary to defend them." C.S.Lewis

I'd rather not wear a bra when going out, but I do.

I don't wear anything I don't want to wear. Including, more often than not, a bra.