Ex husband dies

[Mayday3378]

Ex husband died a month ago, my sons birthday coming up my current husband wants us to stick to the same amount for his children and mine, however the sc receive monetary gifts from their bio mother and her family, my children don’t receive from their fathers side and now won’t from their father, I feel I would like to give extra to cover my childrens fathers contribution as he cannot, my current husband disagrees, wants us to continue to both cover the same previous amount is this fair? Aibu?

I think your current husband sounds mean - especially as your kid has just lost their dad. Will dad's family not send anything at all? Have kids financially benefited from their dads death? Is there something that could come from that?

I agree with your take on it op, and LittleOwl153

My ex was mostly in debt he suffered mental health and committed suicide, my children had an on off relationship with their father when he was well so they wouldn’t always receive gifts , I never received maintanence, because of my exs mental health there was a huge rift between his family and they completely dropped my children when his mental health became prevalent, so no, there is a pension currently going through probate, but my son is 14 and that money will likely go into trust for my younger son, also my current husbands parents died a couple of years ago and left an equivalent amount in trust for my 2 stepchildren.

I think it should be up to you to decide, not your husband. Personally I would have just bought the present/given money or whatever and not said anything about it but too late for that now.

Your husband really should not interfere in this, Mayday, and what you do with your own money is your business once you've made your contribution to the household.

He sounds very mean in this regard.

He is making a mistake here. Hopefully he will come round and see that.

Fair doesnt always mean equal. To treat them fairly means allowing a little more towards your child. His kids have a whole other family giving them things. It isnt fair.

You need to talk about being fair, not being equal. Equal spending from you isnt fair.

It’s entirely your decision.

Do you earn your own money? If you do, and all other bills are paid, it's none of your husband's business what you give your child for their birthday.

I agree with you OP and PP.
Your husband doesn't sound very nice.
Your kids have been through alot, do what you think is right not what your husband says.

Thankyou

I think your H has a point about monetary gifts from you and him being equal. That might help to make the blended family household run smoothly. Do you have savings accounts for you sons? Could you maybe start/increase some savings for them, to take into account that they will no longer have any financial help from their dad as young adults? Either take the money from your personal income/discretionary spending money (no need for your H’s input) or discuss with your H the need to ensure your children have a financial safety net as young adults now that you and to a lesser extent your H as the only family they have left to help with these things. As your SC have trust funds set up I think it’s fair to divert a little more family money into savings for your sons if you and your H have joint finances.

Yes I earn my own, we divide all mortgage household bills etc, then we divide what’s left and split equally,

Then none of his concern.

I can see both sides, to be honest.

It does sound a bit brutal and unfeeling of your husband, especially the way you've expressed it here. Does he have empathy for the fact that your son has just lost his dad?

OTOH it's not your husband's fault or responsibility that your ex died, nor that your ex's wider family don't contribute to your son's birthdays. Isn't that something you would want to tackle with them directly? (I'm thinking specifically about maintaining lines of communication with grandparents here.)

Also, I'm not sure that it's helpful comparing one set of family circumstances to another. At one level, yes, it sucks that your ex's family circumstances don't allow for the same level of financial generosity towards your children as your husband's family's does towards his. I get it, it's shit. But it's also a reality, and more specifically the reality of a blended family situation. Not everyone's circumstances are the same. And there are things you can do to adjust/counteract that, but also some things just have to be different because they are different.

You've not put much in your post about your relationship with your ex. But in a way, throwing more into the birthday pot might risk looking like you're trying to overcompensate for his dad dying by spending more on birthday presents.

But maybe it's not an 'extra gifts' situation, in a wider sense. I wonder if the tactic might be to tackle the loss of his father separately, differently.

You can't assuage grief with gifts. I wish we could, but we can't.

Very similar circumstances here and I spend what I like on my ds, if dp suggested that to me I would laugh in his face.

I do put a small amount of pocket money into a savings for my son anyway out of my money, as I know my sc mother gives them pocket money each week, I only found this out recently and usually make my son earn any money doing jobs, which I’ve continued but put small amount in savings he doesn’t know about, (my son) but it’s just now the birthday coming round , my sc is next week and my husband wants us to contribute equally so I mentioned about the concern I have and he thinks we should continue as we have,

The giving the same to both sets of children means they are equal within the family unit.
Giving them the same when one set will receive lots from the ex side of the family but the other won’t means inequality between the two sets of children.

Basically it depends how you see things.
Should everything be totally equal between the two sets of children despite the fact they have different families and therefore different support? Should you (as a family unit) compensate for one to be disadvantaged vs the other?
Or
Should you just accept they have different history, different parents and therefore different opportunities/money?

Personally, if you choose the second option then I think you should also be able to decide HOW much you give to your children. I mean you are talking about birthday money there so a small amount right?
What about when they are leaving home and set up their first house? Should you still give exactly the same to both sets even though one will only receive your help and the other might well be substantially supported by he ex?

@Mayday3378

I do put a small amount of pocket money into a savings for my son anyway out of my money, as I know my sc mother gives them pocket money each week, I only found this out recently and usually make my son earn any money doing jobs, which I’ve continued but put small amount in savings he doesn’t know about, (my son) but it’s just now the birthday coming round , my sc is next week and my husband wants us to contribute equally so I mentioned about the concern I have and he thinks we should continue as we have,

So yes he is clearly choosing to knowingly have his dcs be better off than yours (because they have support from two parents) ….

But wants to control how much your support your own dcs so what? He doesn’t look bad?

There is a discussion around what fairness and equality means. He is very short sighted.

This is really tricky, because his children will notice if your son now starts getting bigger presents from you both as a couple than they do.

Is it money his children are getting from their mum and family?

If so, I would stick with spending roughly similar amounts on actual gifts, so that it’s visibly fair. You can give your son cash throughout the year for treats etc, so that he isn’t disadvantaged.

No way would I allow my dh to tell me what I can spend on my own dc..

Yes I do see what ur sayin, this is the situation, my sc are roughly the same age as my son, they all want a laptop for gaming, my stepchildren requested money this year for Christmas and birthdays to pay for this, so by June my stepchildren will have acquired the laptop via all monetary gifts and from their bio mother and her families contribution, however my son will have to wait til next year given the fact he only receives from us and my family, if this makes it clearer

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

No way would I allow my dh to tell me what I can spend on my own dc..

This. I mean, I only have one child but in many families full siblings aren't treated exactly the same - it goes on needs, rather than anything else.

If you both have children with birthday's coming up - could you agree that he gets his child's and you get your Son's?

Or if he doesn't budge because he doesn't want it sending the wrong message to his children - could you write a card from your Son's Dad and put some money in and tell your Son he left it for him before he died? I don't know if that's something that's likely your Son would believe but it would mean SC didn't feel like you were spending more on your Child but that your Son isn't missing out

It’s an absolute minefield, and until now we’ve agreed, my husband says he feels this is causing rift between us , I do not as I’m happy to contribute the extra for my son from my left over monthly money, and my ex husbands parents refused to continue seeing my children when my husband became unwell as they said it upset them too much?! So no I will not be inviting them into my childrens lives again as I spent years trying to maintain their relationship, his family wanted his 21 year old and 19 year old to pay for their fathers funeral debts etc didn’t contribute at all so I hardly think they will want to suddenly gift them birthday money 🙄

It doesn't matter if they other kids notice.
I would expect my partner to point out to the step kids (whilst your DC aren't there) that they benefit from having both a Mum and a Dad if they take issue with it.

Your partner is the one causing a rift and is being totally unreasonable.
Stand your ground OP.
And spend on your kids what you like.

I couldn’t do the card thing from sons dad, he would know, I wouldn’t make it obvious to any that I was paying extra for my son he would simply be b able to buy the equivalent that my sc will b buying, so they wouldn’t know, it’s such a hard time for my kids right now and I can c this disparity coming a mile off,