Page 2 | Ex husband dies

Chewbecca · 13/03/2022 13:24

I have step DC and we have one together. We don’t try to equalise things plus my DH wouldn’t try to tell me how much I could give my DS, plus I wouldn’t listen!

There is likely to be pension provision for your ex’s DC though, depending on scheme rules which you may be able to look up if you know them. Make sure the pension trustee knows your DC are his dependents. A family I know where the father committed suicide receive c. £2k from his NHS pension & the DC will continue to receive directly until, I think it may be 25.

BurntO · 13/03/2022 13:27

I agree with you OP. Say, each child has a budget of X, ideally 50/50 from each parent but for your DC that is not an option so it will al have to come from your budget. That seems fair. It really doesn’t matter what the other kids think IMO. It doesn’t take more than a 2 minute chat to address their concerns if they even raise any

Original poster

Mayday3378 · 13/03/2022 13:32

Thanks everyone, my husband is a loving stepfather and a loving husband and has been amazing through all the years even welcoming my ex into our household to see children when it wasn’t safe for my children to go alone to visit their father, we’ve always (pretty much) been on the same wavelength and treated the children the same and my son who still at home is struggling with loosing his dad and my husband has been very supportive of my son and two older daughters, it’s just as typical in life when it comes to money there is a disparity and we disagree, I appreciate everyone’s opinions, I don’t feel quite so unreasonable for my opinion now x

OP posts:

Original poster

Mayday3378 · 13/03/2022 13:37

It’s from the personal pension he had from bout 15 years ago, when he was well and had his own business, I’ve instructed a solicitor deal with it all , his death because of circumstances has to go to inquest in July so it won’t be finalised until after that, I’m not sure about national pension? R the kids entitled to that?

OP posts:

LoganberryJam · 13/03/2022 13:40

Have you explained to your DH about the laptop example to make it clearer?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/03/2022 13:41

Are you seriously going to let your dc have a laptop and make your dc wait?
Sorry but you are letting your dc down if you do. Your dh isn't your boss. And he certainly isn't a good step df.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/03/2022 13:43

Let your sc sorry

cherish123 · 13/03/2022 13:46

YANBU
It's very hard for a child who has lost their dad. Could you set up.a bank account for your DC and make contributions? I know you really should tell for DH but do you have to? Did your DC receive anything from DF estate?

HereBdragons · 13/03/2022 13:46

How would your H feel about a little white lie here. So the money that’s from you and him should be the same for all the kids. But then you give your son’s some extra and tell them it’s from their dad’s estate/paternal family. - pick something vague but possible. This would solve the laptop inequality issue.

HereBdragons · 13/03/2022 13:47

You could say the money was back-dates CM taken from their dad’s estate.

Firefliess · 13/03/2022 13:52

DH and I have always taken the attitude that we treat all the kids the same but we cannot control what their other relatives do. My ex has mostly been skint and so my DC get very little spent on presents from him. DSC get more financially from their DM. My kids are fine about that and I don't think would ever expect us to spend more on them to even up their dad spending less. Sadly I don't think spending twice as much on your DS every birthday is going to make up for losing his dad.

InTheCludgie · 13/03/2022 13:52

So sorry for your family's loss OP. Wrt national (?state) pension, that stops when the person passes away, it doesn't get passed on to next of kin or anyone. When my DF passed away a few years ago our solicitor looked into his two private pensions, one paid out a lump sum and the other paid an annuity which only recently stopped. I had to call DWP to cancel the state pension though.

Inertia · 13/03/2022 13:54

Agree with previous posters- your money is your own to give extra to your children to enable them to all have laptops at the same time.

I really don’t think the stepchildren will care how the funding was split if they all end up with the same. Your husband is either being mean, or approaching ‘fairness’ from totally the wrong angle.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/03/2022 13:56

Maybe it's time to just agree to disagree about it?
I'm with you. The outcome should be fair, and your sc getting computers before your son isn't fair.

sweetbellyhigh · 13/03/2022 13:58

Gosh, how sad for your children to have lost their dad to suicide and, by proxy, how sad for you 🌸

You have been praising of your (now) husband but oh I find this baffling, how can he not see that your children are disadvantaged both financially and emotionally?

Fair does not equal everyone getting the same. This is about equity, all the children should get laptops at the same time regardless of where the money comes from.

LottyD32 · 13/03/2022 14:07

@Mayday3378

Ex husband died a month ago, my sons birthday coming up my current husband wants us to stick to the same amount for his children and mine, however the sc receive monetary gifts from their bio mother and her family, my children don’t receive from their fathers side and now won’t from their father, I feel I would like to give extra to cover my childrens fathers contribution as he cannot, my current husband disagrees, wants us to continue to both cover the same previous amount is this fair? Aibu?

In the face of this, I'd tell him all monetary gifts to the children throughout the year go into a pot and are divided up equally between them all on new years eve.

Ridiculous v Ridiculous.

He's being selfish, give your kids whatever you want.

Amybelle88 · 13/03/2022 14:09

Buy them what you want. None of his business if you're paying for it.

He sounds mean.

TheBigDilemma · 13/03/2022 14:10

In an ideal world, he should be making all kids feel as equals. If he can’t then you can’t either, you save all your money and efforts to allocate for your own children because believe me, it won’t only be about the gifts if he is taking that stance.

AnotherEmma · 13/03/2022 14:16

@Mayday3378

Yes I do see what ur sayin, this is the situation, my sc are roughly the same age as my son, they all want a laptop for gaming, my stepchildren requested money this year for Christmas and birthdays to pay for this, so by June my stepchildren will have acquired the laptop via all monetary gifts and from their bio mother and her families contribution, however my son will have to wait til next year given the fact he only receives from us and my family, if this makes it clearer

What does your husband say about this? I think it would be cruel to make your child wait for the gaming laptop he wants while his children can get theirs sooner. If I could afford it I would definitely give extra to help him get the laptop at the same time as the others.

dfendyr · 13/03/2022 14:33

equality or equity

Goldbar · 13/03/2022 14:37

@Mayday3378

Yes I earn my own, we divide all mortgage household bills etc, then we divide what’s left and split equally,

None of his business then. You should be able to spend your share on whatever you like (including your DS).

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/03/2022 14:39

I imagine the lap top would be for school work. It sounds as if that would be beneficial.

This would be a hill to die on for me. Your husband sounds very mean not to want to ensure there is equity in the household.

Not only does your ds have to cope with losing his dad in the most dreadful circumstances but he has to witness his step siblings getting everything faster and better than him. His mental health could take a real basing here.

I would be having serious words about treating your ds like he’s Cinderella. I was treated differently growing up. It wasn’t pleasant.

purpleboy · 13/03/2022 14:47

Does he acknowledge the financial disparity between the dc? How does he feel about his dc getting the laptop this year because of all the avenues they receive money, but your dc getting in next year because it only comes from you. Does he think that's fair? Does he contribute the same to your dc as he does to his own for birthdays?

FavouritePi · 13/03/2022 14:59

my husband says he feels this is causing rift between us

Maybe you should point out it's your money and if you have to spend more alone to get your DC on equal footing, then that's what you'll do. He's the one controlling your finances by proxy and he's the problem. He must not like your DC very much, imo.

What has he said when you've mentioned the laptop situation?

As a pp mentioned, dividing up all money DC and SC receive at Christmas equally is fairest. Would your DH agree to that? If he doesn't, it will say all you need to know really.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2022 15:13

Tell your husband that he is the one causing the rift, no one and nothing else.