Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I've had a message from an ex colleague of late DH

77 replies

DetailMouse · 11/03/2022 10:07

DH died last summer.

Out of the blue I've had a message from someone he worked with 20 years ago, on FB. It's quite gushy about how wonderful he was, but he was (on the whole Grin) and no one ever says horrible things about someone once they've died.

Anyway, she says she just one day felt the need to look him up on FB and was shocked to see he'd died. She told me a nickname he was apparently always known by (which I'd never heard) and said she only actually worked with him for 3 months but will never forget him.

Now, while DH was at that company he had a serious (early, in his 30s) midlife crisis and was reassessing whether he wanted to be married. It passed quite quickly, he apologised and said he didn't know what had got into him, then spent the next 20 years being a model husband and father, but I always wondered if there was "someone". I don't think he actually had an affair, but I do think there was probably someone on his mind.

Her message is all about him and what she thought of him, she doesn't even ask after me or DC.

I'm not going to reply, I don't think. Or should I just say thank you? I'm not sure what for though, she hasn't wished us well!

OP posts:
Concestor · 11/03/2022 10:12

It's might be nothing, She might have just wanted to send a tribute to someone she worked with. I look up old colleagues all the time, if they'd died and I had contact details for family I'd do similar because I think it's nice for grieving family to hear nice things about their loved one.

Pantsomime · 11/03/2022 10:13

I’d be inclined to ignore it, sounds like if you engage you she just wants to talk about her experience which
may bother you more and you’ll never know if there was a real concern over his behaviour to be had. I can’t see any good coming from it and the past is best left there. Remember your time with him - I’m sorry for your loss

NoSquirrels · 11/03/2022 10:14

I think it is best to acknowledge the message, but you don’t need to be anything other than polite e.g. Thanks for your message - it’s always good to hear from his work colleagues how DH was valued. As a family we miss him dreadfully as you might imagine. Best wishes, DetailMouse

I can imagine how you feel. It’s best just to reply to close the issue off in your mind, I think. Leaving it sitting there to go around and around in your mind will make you feel terrible - and there’s no need for that. As you say, you had a long and happy marriage and all long marriages go through periods of turbulence and all people are only human with human emotions.

Flowers
Aworldofmyown · 11/03/2022 10:15

Just ignore it. It's a bit weird and self-centred to have sent you the message, imo.

LaraDeSalle · 11/03/2022 10:20

She’s digging for more info.

In her mind she probably has had a fantasy about him for years and her ego wants her to believe that he may have held a candle for her so she is hoping that you will reply saying that he often spoke of her or some other such crap.

Ignore and block. She is insensitive and her motives for messaging you are suspicious.

SusieMyersonAndAssociates · 11/03/2022 10:28

I’m another one for block and ignore OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 10:29

No way would I respond. Her message is bizarre and really inappropriate. Ignore and block. This woman will not add anything positive to your life.

Gonnagetgoing · 11/03/2022 10:32

Ignore and maybe block.

Sounds a bit strange to me.

Georgeskitchen · 11/03/2022 11:01

How bizarre. I would struggle to remember someone I worked with for 3 months 20 years ago unless it was more than just work

Kipperandarthur · 11/03/2022 11:27

@NoSquirrels

I think it is best to acknowledge the message, but you don’t need to be anything other than polite e.g. Thanks for your message - it’s always good to hear from his work colleagues how DH was valued. As a family we miss him dreadfully as you might imagine. Best wishes, DetailMouse

I can imagine how you feel. It’s best just to reply to close the issue off in your mind, I think. Leaving it sitting there to go around and around in your mind will make you feel terrible - and there’s no need for that. As you say, you had a long and happy marriage and all long marriages go through periods of turbulence and all people are only human with human emotions.

Flowers

This type of message is very suitable.

I would do this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/03/2022 11:29

I agree, ignore. Your dh was a great husband to you. That’s all you need to know.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 11/03/2022 11:31

You know, she could just have liked him as a colleague and thought OP might like to know he was well thought of. People used to do that in the days before any interaction or nice gesture was automatically considered suspect.

Op - just send the message back suggested above.

Blossomtoes · 11/03/2022 11:31

Ignore and block. She doesn’t wish you well. I’m so sorry you lost your bloke. 💐

NoSquirrels · 11/03/2022 12:00

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

You know, she could just have liked him as a colleague and thought OP might like to know he was well thought of. People used to do that in the days before any interaction or nice gesture was automatically considered suspect.

Op - just send the message back suggested above.

I agree. Someone I worked with died young, suddenly. He was great. We weren’t close in any way, but we had one project that was a bit of a bonding experience and I left the company soon after. I was really genuinely sad to hear he had died, and whilst I didn’t message his wife or children I suppose my potential sort of message might have been around the same level of ‘gushing’ - and as I didn’t know his wife or children whilst politeness would have seen me add a generic ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ thing I don’t think I’d think to ask specifically after how they were doing, exactly - mostly because I wouldn’t be expecting any sort of ongoing conversation with them. I’d just be expecting at most an acknowledgment of my message.

It’s really hard for OP with the overlay that maybe this colleague is from a time her DH was emotionally distant but that doesn’t necessarily mean the person messaging had anything to do with that, or is ‘fishing’ for anything, or is doing anything with ulterior motives.

anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet · 11/03/2022 12:05

I had a friend who I cared about very much who I knew through Facebook. I messaged his wife after he died and she was really appreciative to know how loved by people he was

NoSquirrels · 11/03/2022 12:05

But it would be equally fine not to respond, too - if I was the person messaging I wouldn’t necessarily expect a reply.

In my view the right thing to do here is whatever will allow OP to feel closure and peace, not about what the other woman needs/wants/expects because that’s somewhat irrelevant. If I were OP it would be to reply to draw a line, but she may decide to delete and ignore and that’s OK too. I just would be wary of ascribing ulterior motive to a complete stranger. It’s allowing too much headspace to something that’s not worth it.

godmum56 · 11/03/2022 12:15

I think its up to you but I don't think the message is weird. I did similar when I found out that a colleague had died some years after the event (not as many as 20 though) and someone sent similar to me long (about six years) after my husband had died. I made clear that I didn't seek or expect a response to the first, and I didn't get one; and I sent one brief but friendly response to the second.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 11/03/2022 12:18

Jesus, the "ignore and block" responses Hmm

I think the PP above's response is perfect. It doesn't hurt to acknowledge someone's message and makes you the better person, even if you think they might have ulterior motives. If they continue to message you, then just ignore it, you will have done your bit.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 11/03/2022 12:24

I would just take it as face value and reply "Thank you for your kind words. DH meant a lot to many people"

Aquamarine1029 · 11/03/2022 12:28

@anothernamedoesntsmellsosweet

I had a friend who I cared about very much who I knew through Facebook. I messaged his wife after he died and she was really appreciative to know how loved by people he was
Not even remotely the same circumstances.
Pyri · 11/03/2022 12:28

What a shame for some posters to assume she has terrible intentions. What could she possibly have to gain from this? The poor man is dead, it’s not exactly going to rekindle things.

I had a colleague who died young, I still think of her and it makes me feel quite sad to think of her whole life lost. I sometimes think to message her parents a similar tone, it would be done to show that her memory hasn’t faded.

I’d look to the best in this situation and thank her for her well wishes but not expand beyond that

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 11/03/2022 12:36

She seems very egocentric, if you're feeling mean you could use the message given above with an added "I don't recognise your name/I don't remember you being mentioned but its always nice to hear etc..."

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 11/03/2022 12:37

@Pyri

What a shame for some posters to assume she has terrible intentions. What could she possibly have to gain from this? The poor man is dead, it’s not exactly going to rekindle things.

I had a colleague who died young, I still think of her and it makes me feel quite sad to think of her whole life lost. I sometimes think to message her parents a similar tone, it would be done to show that her memory hasn’t faded.

I’d look to the best in this situation and thank her for her well wishes but not expand beyond that

She didn't offer any well wishes.
Pyri · 11/03/2022 12:39

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby I’d say it’s absolutely fine to thank someone for their well wishes in that situation

Ellopet · 11/03/2022 12:40

There's an ex colleague who was fantastic and I think about him often. A marvellous man. Zero romantic feelings for him and I only really knew him for a year or so. I often think about messaging his wife to say he's still in my thoughts as he really is. His death was a big loss to the world as he was an incredible character who gave a lot to people. Maybe she just wanted to let you know that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread