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Original poster

I've had a message from an ex colleague of late DH

77 replies

DetailMouse · 11/03/2022 10:07

DH died last summer.

Out of the blue I've had a message from someone he worked with 20 years ago, on FB. It's quite gushy about how wonderful he was, but he was (on the whole ) and no one ever says horrible things about someone once they've died.

Anyway, she says she just one day felt the need to look him up on FB and was shocked to see he'd died. She told me a nickname he was apparently always known by (which I'd never heard) and said she only actually worked with him for 3 months but will never forget him.

Now, while DH was at that company he had a serious (early, in his 30s) midlife crisis and was reassessing whether he wanted to be married. It passed quite quickly, he apologised and said he didn't know what had got into him, then spent the next 20 years being a model husband and father, but I always wondered if there was "someone". I don't think he actually had an affair, but I do think there was probably someone on his mind.

Her message is all about him and what she thought of him, she doesn't even ask after me or DC.

I'm not going to reply, I don't think. Or should I just say thank you? I'm not sure what for though, she hasn't wished us well!

OP posts:

ImAvingOops · 11/03/2022 12:41

I'd send back a civil message saying you are glad she remembers your husband fondly and reiterating that he is very much missed, as he was a wonderful husband and father. Then block her.

GreyCarpet · 11/03/2022 12:45

Oh for goodness sake! Some of these responses!

If I looked up an ex colleague in these circstances and discovered similar, Iight be inclined to send a quick message too. I don't know if I'd think to ask after the remaining family members. This is most likely.to be a person who has messaged in shock and hasn't given much thought to what they were saying before firing off the message.

It doesn't mean that she is fishing for more information or that anything untoward was going on.

I'd just reply thank you and leave it at that.

SpikyJugs · 11/03/2022 12:48

She's doing this for her, to satisfy her own need for info/atonement/whatever.

You don't owe her anything, so ignore her

5thnonblonde · 11/03/2022 12:51

Yeah I’d just send a polite but very dull Thankyou. If it’s the worst case and she was ‘involved’ then ignoring/blocking will only fuel her fire. ‘Thankyou for your kind words, DH was so special to me and our children’

girlmom21 · 11/03/2022 13:01

I think I'd send a full, generic response too.

I'm sorry for your loss op. He was a brilliant husband for 20 years - don't let some random woman let you doubt that.

Moodycow78 · 11/03/2022 13:06

Sounds odd I'd block and ignore, can't believe she didn't ask after you all. You'll never know, if there was something there what a bitch for making contact in this way and if there wasn't anything she was someone in his life for 5 mins, either way it's not your problem, block her. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Marvellousmadness · 11/03/2022 13:13

Id ask... otherwise it would continue to bother me tbh

Seraphinesupport · 11/03/2022 13:25

its a weird thing to do whats she thinking??

SpiderinaWingMirror · 11/03/2022 13:39

I would just respond
"It's nice that he is remembered fondly"
I wouldn't read anything more into it.

melj1213 · 11/03/2022 13:42

@NoSquirrels

I can imagine how you feel. It’s best just to reply to close the issue off in your mind, I think. Leaving it sitting there to go around and around in your mind will make you feel terrible - and there’s no need for that. As you say, you had a long and happy marriage and all long marriages go through periods of turbulence and all people are only human with human emotions.

I agree 100% with this - sending some sort of reply will give you closure as you have politely acknowledged what was sent without encouraging any further discourse.

I never understand why people are always so quick to suggest "ignore and block". The OP may not have solicited the message but it isn't abusive/rude and the sender hasn't demanded attention or asked questions, they've just shared memories of the OPs DH. It costs nothing to send polite "Thank you for sharing your memories of DH, the children and I still miss him every day but it is always nice to hear lovely stories about him from people who knew him, even if it was just for a short time. Best wishes, OP"

If the sender tried to continue the conversation or starts asking questions then i would suggest the OP ignores and blocks them, but I find that "acknowledge and polite reply" works better in most circumstances than a straight "ignore and block"

balalake · 11/03/2022 13:44

I'd do the short reply suggested earlier in this thread.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/03/2022 13:47

I would give that a damn good ignoring.
And block.

Rainbowshine · 11/03/2022 13:48

Being cynical I wondered if this could be a scam.

I think if I thought it was genuine, I’d reply with a very bland “thank you for your message” and then forget about it.

I hope you’re doing ok, and have good memories of your DH.

BlingLoving · 11/03/2022 13:59

Absolutely @NoSquirrels response.

It's entirely possible that she didn't know what to say and this is her attempt to let you know that your DH was valued and liked. Too often we hear people justifying why other people don't send messages/attend funerals because "they just don't know what to say". She at least tried and yes, of course, good wishes to you would have been better but still.

And even if, worst case, there IS more to the story, you know that he spent 20 years loving you and being a wonderful husband and father.

Gowithme · 11/03/2022 14:02

Hmm, she worked with him for 3 months 20 years ago but will never forget him? and telling you a nickname he was apparently known by that you'd never heard of - I'd bet that was her nickname for him. It wouldn't surprise me if she made a big play for him, sounds like he might have had his head turned for a second, then saw sense and quickly stepped away.
If you reply then I would absolutely avoid anything that might encourage her to reply back again - such as saying how nice it is to hear things about him from other people. Personally I'd ignore it and block, this is not someone who is going to bring anything positive to your life IMO.

gelatodipistacchio · 11/03/2022 14:08

I agree with sending a polite but dry thank you. It's sad that people here are so cynical (and I say this as a very cynical person myseld)

Aworldofmyown · 11/03/2022 14:14

I'm actually not very cynical, but they worked together for 3 months. 20 years ago!!! It is weird.

Fernandina · 11/03/2022 14:15

What a strange thing to do. I've worked with many people over the years, and on the grapevine I have heard that some have passed away. It would never occur to me to contact the widow of any of them, unless I knew them both well and socialised with them as a couple outside of work.

DameHelena · 11/03/2022 14:19

I think it is best to acknowledge the message, but you don’t need to be anything other than polite e.g. Thanks for your message - it’s always good to hear from his work colleagues how DH was valued. As a family we miss him dreadfully as you might imagine. Best wishes, DetailMouse
I agree with this.
I think it's that she doesn't ask after you or the DC. Pretty self-centred. So just be coolly polite – and add that slightly pass-agg dig* reminding her that he had a family.
*not a criticism; I thoroughly admire and approve

Zilla1 · 11/03/2022 14:20

HNRTT but FWIW, I wouldn't presume anything went on and it could be entirely well-intentioned. Have done similar to the DC of a colleague who were overjoyed to hear someone else's memories about their DF and that he was remembered by non-family.

I'd have hoped to have sent best wishes but it's possible this in entirely well-intentioned. I'd say thank you and that all the family miss him then save it for DC to read when adult.

Sorry for your loss.

AdrianCanChaseMe · 11/03/2022 14:24

I also think it's weird that she's messaging you and looking him up in the first place. I don't think there's any harm in a bland, generic response and then blocking her.

1forAll74 · 11/03/2022 14:27

I would just think it was quite a nice message, instigated because she has just found out about your late Husband, so it has reminded her of knowing your late husband, some time ago,, just her memories of someone, and is what a lot of people tend to do when they hear about someone who has passed away. I would do something like this myself, as i dont like forgetting nice people in life.

occa · 11/03/2022 14:37

I'd utterly ignore that, block and never think about it again. She's not messaged to be kind to you.

TabithaTittlemouse · 11/03/2022 14:37

I would do whatever you feel like op.

The good thing about Facebook messenger is you can reply/not reply by simply ‘hearting’ the message. You’ve acknowledged it but not engaged.

Delatron · 11/03/2022 16:56

Look it’s a bit strange isn’t it? That’s why people are quite rightly saying ignore. Any normal person would start with a ‘sorry for your loss’. Not be mentioning pet names for someone they only worked with for 3 months 20 years ago!

Why even bother replying? This women is not thinking of the OP or sending her well wishes. She just wants to reminisce about her husband.

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