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Original poster

I've had a message from an ex colleague of late DH

77 replies

DetailMouse · 11/03/2022 10:07

DH died last summer.

Out of the blue I've had a message from someone he worked with 20 years ago, on FB. It's quite gushy about how wonderful he was, but he was (on the whole Grin) and no one ever says horrible things about someone once they've died.

Anyway, she says she just one day felt the need to look him up on FB and was shocked to see he'd died. She told me a nickname he was apparently always known by (which I'd never heard) and said she only actually worked with him for 3 months but will never forget him.

Now, while DH was at that company he had a serious (early, in his 30s) midlife crisis and was reassessing whether he wanted to be married. It passed quite quickly, he apologised and said he didn't know what had got into him, then spent the next 20 years being a model husband and father, but I always wondered if there was "someone". I don't think he actually had an affair, but I do think there was probably someone on his mind.

Her message is all about him and what she thought of him, she doesn't even ask after me or DC.

I'm not going to reply, I don't think. Or should I just say thank you? I'm not sure what for though, she hasn't wished us well!

OP posts:
Ilovetheseventies · 11/03/2022 17:01

I would not like this. Your DP is dead and she is basically letting you know something that he obviously did not share with you. Just totally innocent but why would you mention a nick name.
Or something you were not part off.

Liveandkicking · 11/03/2022 17:34

@zurala

It's might be nothing, She might have just wanted to send a tribute to someone she worked with. I look up old colleagues all the time, if they'd died and I had contact details for family I'd do similar because I think it's nice for grieving family to hear nice things about their loved one.
You're not obliged to reply but I think it's more likely this. If I found out an ex colleague died I would get in touch with the family to express my condolences and memories of them. I haven't had any affairs.
TillyTopper · 11/03/2022 17:39

I think it's strange to look someone up that she knew 20 years ago for 3 months! I'd ignore/block.

Delatron · 11/03/2022 17:41

Yes but she wasn’t expressing condolences..

gingerhills · 11/03/2022 17:45

She might just be a gushy person, saw he'd died, had a flood of memories about him and thought you'd like to hear them. Could be very well-intentioned even though it's a bit self-centred.

i really don't think there's any value in agonising over whether she was a crush he didn't act on years ago. Unlikely to be true, and even if it was, he chose a life with you.

Melroses · 11/03/2022 17:54

I think NoSquirrels reply is suitably polite and with enough formality to be appropriate to the situation, whatever it is.

I would use that and also keep it to reuse as a reply for any other late messages.

Whatever was done is in the past now and Squirrels is right about it giving you more peace 💐

lovescats3 · 11/03/2022 17:57

Rather odd that she didn't send condolences to you and your children.i would send a dry thank you from me and the children or just a heart to acknowledge it and that's all.dont let it eat you up -it could be perfectly innocent.sorry for your loss.you have good memories of your life together and maybe she made a play for him but ultimately he chose you

lovescats3 · 11/03/2022 17:59

Or if you don't want to reply don't.you are under no obligation

MarshaBradyo · 11/03/2022 18:02

@NoSquirrels

I think it is best to acknowledge the message, but you don’t need to be anything other than polite e.g. Thanks for your message - it’s always good to hear from his work colleagues how DH was valued. As a family we miss him dreadfully as you might imagine. Best wishes, DetailMouse

I can imagine how you feel. It’s best just to reply to close the issue off in your mind, I think. Leaving it sitting there to go around and around in your mind will make you feel terrible - and there’s no need for that. As you say, you had a long and happy marriage and all long marriages go through periods of turbulence and all people are only human with human emotions.

Flowers

Agree with this. Short polite message
JellyNo15 · 11/03/2022 18:08

Could indeed be just a condolence message but seeing as it has caused you some unease I suggest just liking and then blocking. Further correspondence may cause more questions that your DH can no longer answer or reassure you about.

KateTheEighth · 11/03/2022 18:23

"Felt the need to look him up on Facebook" would make me think FB stalking

I agree with those who say reply with a thank you and then block her. She's hardly going to add anything to your life - she couldn't even be bothered to ask how you are

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 11/03/2022 18:25

Just a 'thank you for your kind words' would do and then you can block her if it's bothering you.

WonderfulYou · 11/03/2022 18:41

Surely when someone dies you do offer your condolences and speak about what a great person they are etc. There’s always people coming out of the woodwork after someone died to say how much they liked them. Unfortunately sometimes life gets in the way and you don’t get to tell them in person and then it’s too late.

If she doesn’t know you it would be a bit weird to ask how you and the DC are doing.

She was being kind.
Acknowledge it and thank her for her kind words etc then think no more about it.

It does sound like you may have some unresolved issues if this message has made you feel this way and grief counselling or something may help.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2022 18:52

I think it would be nice to say thank you, but no need to do anything beyond that.

I don’t see any reason to think anything happened, it’s just that your DH was memorable to her - you are learning a lot about yourself in your 30s in your career, so it can loom large in the memory.

You’ve clearly got some unresolved stuff as so many of us do, but don’t let your imagination run away with you.

spongedog · 11/03/2022 19:11

20 years ago there might have been no DC and you might at that time have been a casual girlfriend. Not all work colleagues will know the in and outs of every relationship either then or 20 years on.

I worked with some cracking people 20 years, even 30 years ago. I would be very sorry to hear of their deaths. And depending how I heard the news might send a polite message. More likely now a social media message than email. There was no inappropriate conduct. These were professionals that I learned a lot from, had a laugh with, or spent time with in a stressful/intense work situation.

I will also share a fairly recent experience of mine. I worked 20+ years ago in a small team - 8-10 people. Similar age, different backgrounds but worked well as a team. One colleague (and his family) lived close to me so very occasionally I and my now ex-DH would meet up socially. Life moves on and we dropped to Christmas cards only. My colleague died a couple of years ago - I found out when attending another local event later that year. I met the widow and gave my condolences. Apparently I had been on my colleague's list of people that he wanted invited to his funeral. She couldn't find my address for the funeral invite but in that conversation remembered precisely to the number of my road where I lived. Other attendees at that event were very cold towards me. I absolutely believe that she believes he had an affair with me. That never happened at all. I won't share with her my thoughts but it is horrid to be suspected of something quite wrongly and to have been excluded.

You have had several good suggestions for a polite reply. You had a happy life - most former decent colleagues would be pleased to know that.

whynotwhy · 11/03/2022 19:23

Blocking people is often rude, aggressive and/or hurtful. Don't do it unless necessary.

tolerable · 11/03/2022 19:24

she coulda been genuine(ly full of wine?)seems like a very(self centred)emotional response\so pretty insensitive.

you..dont have to react at all. doesnt really merit a thaankyou.
maybe acknowledge- heartbreaking for all family friends and distaant never fkin heard of ya colleagues. comforting to know held in high regard. the end..block\optional\shouldnt be required

5thnonblonde · 11/03/2022 19:44

How is blocking aggressive? Everyone has the right to establish their own boundaries.

Original poster
DetailMouse · 11/03/2022 20:09

@spongedog

20 years ago there might have been no DC and you might at that time have been a casual girlfriend. Not all work colleagues will know the in and outs of every relationship either then or 20 years on.

I worked with some cracking people 20 years, even 30 years ago. I would be very sorry to hear of their deaths. And depending how I heard the news might send a polite message. More likely now a social media message than email. There was no inappropriate conduct. These were professionals that I learned a lot from, had a laugh with, or spent time with in a stressful/intense work situation.

I will also share a fairly recent experience of mine. I worked 20+ years ago in a small team - 8-10 people. Similar age, different backgrounds but worked well as a team. One colleague (and his family) lived close to me so very occasionally I and my now ex-DH would meet up socially. Life moves on and we dropped to Christmas cards only. My colleague died a couple of years ago - I found out when attending another local event later that year. I met the widow and gave my condolences. Apparently I had been on my colleague's list of people that he wanted invited to his funeral. She couldn't find my address for the funeral invite but in that conversation remembered precisely to the number of my road where I lived. Other attendees at that event were very cold towards me. I absolutely believe that she believes he had an affair with me. That never happened at all. I won't share with her my thoughts but it is horrid to be suspected of something quite wrongly and to have been excluded.

You have had several good suggestions for a polite reply. You had a happy life - most former decent colleagues would be pleased to know that.

Years ago we had been married 10 years and Ds1 was a baby
OP posts:
whynotwhy · 11/03/2022 22:04

@5thnonblonde

How is blocking aggressive? Everyone has the right to establish their own boundaries.
No one has the right to be rude or dismissive of others - assuming those others are behaving themselves. No one has the right to have unreasonable boundaries. You have the power to be unreasonable but not the right. Blocking is/can be aggressive because it denies someone a voice.
ImAvingOops · 12/03/2022 00:15

The former colleague has exercised her voice already! Personally I think it's rude to intrude on someone's grief with a gushy message and not even offer condolences to the wife.
This message and it's tone has stirred up memories of a painful time in the OP's marriage and made her have some questions she cannot get an answer to now. At best this message was insensitive.

No one has a right of access to the OP, or the right to intrude or to have their day regardless of whether the OP wants to hear it. Blocking some total stranger is absolutely okay.

OP, your husband was a wonderful husband and father for years. Wobbles are natural and everyone has blips. These are not the defining feature of a relationship. Don't let some random cause you to doubt any aspect of your relationship

RedRec · 12/03/2022 09:54

@ImAvingOops

The former colleague has exercised her voice already! Personally I think it's rude to intrude on someone's grief with a gushy message and not even offer condolences to the wife. This message and it's tone has stirred up memories of a painful time in the OP's marriage and made her have some questions she cannot get an answer to now. At best this message was insensitive.

No one has a right of access to the OP, or the right to intrude or to have their day regardless of whether the OP wants to hear it. Blocking some total stranger is absolutely okay.

OP, your husband was a wonderful husband and father for years. Wobbles are natural and everyone has blips. These are not the defining feature of a relationship. Don't let some random cause you to doubt any aspect of your relationship

What a beautiful, supportive message. Totally agree with every word.

Mischance · 12/03/2022 10:01

Do not make too much of this or read anything untoward into it. You will only make yourself miserable.

I too am a widow and now and again something crops up that makes me wonder about my OH. I set it aside and cioncernt5rate on all the good things, of which there were many.

Even if he did have feelings for this lady (or any other) he dealt with it in the right way and went on to be all you could wish in a husband. It is not unusual for married people to develop feelings for someone else - it is what they do about it that matters. And, whether your OH was in that situation or (more likely) not he did the right things, which tells you he was a good man.

I know how hard it is when something like this arises and you just want to ask him about it but can't. Unfortunately that often makes it grow larger in your mind.

Please try and put it aside and carry on with your life, secure that you married a good man; and imperfect human, as we all are, but essentially as good man.

IdblowJonSnow · 12/03/2022 10:03

She might be nice but a bit thoughtless or she might be stirring.

You owe her nothing. I'd put myself first if I were you and block - look how much it's bothered you already.

greenlynx · 12/03/2022 10:10

I can totally imagine my mum doing this just because she’s got this type of sentimentality. She always had a colleague whom she’s admiring, very annoying but absolutely harmless. I would put what @NoSquirrels suggested and then forget.