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Original poster

Is it me or my partner in the wrong? (Internet posting)

67 replies

Sophie1029734 · 10/03/2022 16:36

Okay so heres a bit of context.
We are both 22 with a 2yr old girl.
I've always found my partner to have a lot of insecurities which he projects on to me, he expects things from me which I consider controlling. For example I'm in the wrong for wanting to go out with some friends (his girl cousins!!!) Because he doesnt trust me not to cheat. I've never given him a reason to think I would. I havnt been out with friends once during our 4 yr relationship because of his extreme views about it. I havnt met up my college friends since college.. well I basicly have no friends anymore because I've become so distant with every1.
Asking if I've cheated on him when hes come in from work. Thinking the reason I'm not wanting sex for a couple days is because I'm getting it elsewhere.
I understand he has insecurities and he has stopped accusing me of cheating after I've snapped at him for it.
Anyway, heres what the question is about, I gave context because I'm not sure weather it's me being in the wrong or him projecting?

So I enjoy fashion. I've lost weight and I'm feeling more like myself again, pre baby. I've had some new clothes (I like the edgey, weird stuff) so I've been posting these outfits on to Instagram. I'm not posting anything sexual, just selfies. I think it's fun. Makeing a little account on fashion, builsing a following, following others who do the same and looking at their creativity. I've felt very house ridden through out our relationship and I guess I feel quite fre doing it Because Its something I enjoy, I felt like I've lost myself through out the years.

hes very upset about it.. thinks I'm being disrepectful and I'm doing it to get male attention. I say over and over again, I am not. I do respect his boundaries and I wouldnt never post lingerie photos (no hate if any1 does 💜) but posting a photo simply standing is being treated like that? It's as if a selfie is porno shot to him? I posted a photo which had some cleavage, it was just the top i was wearing and it wasnt much at all. But apparently I'm being pueposfully revealing, says my boobs are the centre of attention.

I know everyone has different boundaries but I'm starting to feel depressed. Like I have a magnifying glass on me all the time. And I dont know weather he is wrong or am I? Im confused.

OP posts:
dfendyr · 10/03/2022 16:37

I think it's time you move on. This is not a normal healthy relationship.

SheWoreYellow · 10/03/2022 16:39

I think not being able to go out with your friends is a bigger issue.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 10/03/2022 16:40

Its abusive, he is cutting you off from everyone so you're totally reliant on him. When you have nobody else in your life he can do what he likes, because who will you tell?

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Relationship problems
Pyri · 10/03/2022 16:41

He sounds like a controlling arsehole and you’d be better off away from him

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 10/03/2022 16:42

Also I want to add that he thinks I need his approval about a photo before I post it. I see this is as controlling, he thinks its disorectpful posting a photo he doesnt agree with but it feels like he doesnt agree with posting at all.

OP posts:
Fernandina · 10/03/2022 16:44

He is extremely controlling, and it is worrying that you could even consider that it might be you in the wrong here.

This obsessive jealousy of his is never going to improve, and he will continue to accuse you all the time, no matter how much you protest your innocence. You really need to get out of this unhealthy relationship before he destroys you altogether.

newbiename · 10/03/2022 16:44

He's controlling and abusive. Do you want your child to have this as an example of a relationship?

LittleOwl153 · 10/03/2022 16:46

Make arrangements to go out with your friends and show off your new look! And then arrange to see your College mates the next weekend.

If hebdoesnt like it tough. If he stops you then get rid- he is a controlling asshole. You need to get in touch with your friends. Don't let him isolate you!

Sunnysidegold · 10/03/2022 16:46

This is a very controlling relationship op. Have you family whomwould support you in leaving him?

blacksax · 10/03/2022 16:47

@Sophie1029734

Also I want to add that he thinks I need his approval about a photo before I post it. I see this is as controlling, he thinks its disorectpful posting a photo he doesnt agree with but it feels like he doesnt agree with posting at all.
As the saying goes, who died and made him King?

No way should he be telling you what you can or cannot do. He does not get to decide what you are allowed to post, or anything else for that matter. He is not your boss.

Talk to your family and ask for their help in escaping this awful situation.

LittleOwl153 · 10/03/2022 16:47

You need his permission perhaps to post a photo of HIM.

YOU DO NOT NEED HIS PERMISSION TO POST PHOTOS OF YOURSELF. Him expecting this us controlling.

PeacefulPrune · 10/03/2022 16:48

You need to reconnect with all your old friends. You seem to be in denial that he is abusing you. you should be able to see your friends when you want.

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/03/2022 16:50

It's always a bit of a red flag to me when someone accuses a partner of being "disrespectful". How much is he respecting you, when he accuses you daily of being unfaithful? Ditch him.

Quartz2208 · 10/03/2022 16:50

he is very controlling and his boundaries that he has basically are isolating you - you dont see friends or anything like that

It isnt normal

Rodion · 10/03/2022 16:53

I think you're the frog in the pan of boiling water, not noticing how hot it's got.

He's strong armed you into losing your friendships because of his own insecurities. You've obliged and yet he still accuses you of cheating. It's incredibly controlling and all about his own insecurities - there are no hoops you can jump through that will satisfy him because this isn't about anything you do 'wrong'. You are just fine and he is in a bad, and frankly dangerous, place. This behaviour will only get worse. You need to leave and he needs (but probably won't) to get therapy and sort his head out.

Joinedforthis2021 · 10/03/2022 16:55

Run run far away.

What advice would you give to a friend if she was you?

springtimeishereagain · 10/03/2022 16:55

Oh no. He's abusive and controlling - trying to control your life - where you go, who you see, what you post - massive red flags.

You are an adult and should not need to ask your partner to do any of these things.

He sounds hideously insecure, but the important point is, he is abusive. His feelings of insecurity are not caused by you and you don't have to fix them. He should do this.

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 10/03/2022 16:57

Do u think he is purposefully being like this is is it just insecurities? Am I wrong for pushing his boundaries and posting a picture he disproves of anyway? I felt so guilty after I kept achieving it everytimes hes online, but I eventually deleted it. Theres tons of other things which I despise in the relationship but it's hard to know if it's me in the wrong.

I grew up in a shit situation. I was kinda manipulated and abused which I've only just come to terms with. But I was made to feel bad for the actions of an adults, I was always lying and takeing the blame for my mum. I think my view on things is very warped. In a very careing, loveing person and I'm not sure if I'm careing too much about his feelings, weather he is controlling me or he cares little about me. I'm confused

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 10/03/2022 17:07

Would you treat him the way he treats you? He's massively abusive, controlling and disrespectful. Do you want your daughter to learn that this is how men treat women? Please leave, for her sake.

Do you have family you can stay with?

coloradoqueen · 10/03/2022 17:09

He is controlling you. He's isolated you from your friends, and is telling you what you can and can't do. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

pinkyredrose · 10/03/2022 17:09

Please speak to Women's Aid.

cherryonthecakes · 10/03/2022 17:14

Red flags everywhere. This really isn't fair on you and a terrible relationship model got your baby. Sad

EmpressCixi · 10/03/2022 17:22

Agree with pp that he is controlling and coercion and control is a type of domestic abuse...so also illegal.

It may be caused by his insecurities, as in prior partners cheating on him but that is an explanation not an excuse. His insecurities are his issue that he needs to ensure does not impact on you as in there is no excuse for abusing your partner(you). It’s not different from being abused as a child and thinking that means you can abuse your own child? He’s been cheated on, so he’s thinking it’s ok to abuse you by controlling you..not on at all. You need to get away and he needs some serious counselling to make him fit for a relationship because his controlling is something he can stop if he wants to change.

I agree speak to Woman’s Aid. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don’t waste it in trying to rescue this person.

pinkyredrose · 10/03/2022 17:28

Oh gosh just realised who you are. Your horrible bloke who won't look after his daughter, treats you like crap and can't even wipe up his own piss is dragging you down. His overbearing mother is the icing on the cake. You can't seriously want to stay with someone who you have to grit your teeth to have sex with?

There is so much more to life than this, there really is.

Jonny1265 · 10/03/2022 17:57

This is an unhealthy controlling relationship. I'd leave him and never look back.

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