Page 2 | Is it me or my partner in the wrong? (Internet posting)

Hadalifeonce · 10/03/2022 18:01

Sorry OP, you are in an abusive relationship, and it will probably only get worse. Beware!

Ionlydomassiveones · 10/03/2022 18:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BadNomad · 10/03/2022 18:11

He doesn't get to have boundaries over your body. You can wear what you like and post what you like. For the sake of your daughter make sure she knows this too.

Midlifemusings · 10/03/2022 18:18

You are both 22 and have been together 4 years so likely neither of you has much relationship experience to compare to. He may not realize how controlling / insecure / jealous he is being and you may not realize how you shouldn't need to live like this.

You need to have a in-depth talk with him. He needs counselling to learn to see you and a partner differently and to learn to deal with his insecurities. You need counselling to to know where to draw boundaries and to decide what you will and won't put up with.

Both of you need to recognize that this isn't a healthy dynamic for any of the 3 of you in the house. If he can't see that, then for your sake and your daughter's sake, it is time to move on.

Octomore · 10/03/2022 18:18

I got as far as:
I havnt been out with friends once during our 4 yr relationship because of his extreme views about it.

Leave him. He is controlling and this is abusive behaviour. You can't fix this situation without leaving the abusive man.

TurquoiseDragon · 10/03/2022 18:19

@Sophie1029734

Do u think he is purposefully being like this is is it just insecurities? Am I wrong for pushing his boundaries and posting a picture he disproves of anyway? I felt so guilty after I kept achieving it everytimes hes online, but I eventually deleted it. Theres tons of other things which I despise in the relationship but it's hard to know if it's me in the wrong.

I grew up in a shit situation. I was kinda manipulated and abused which I've only just come to terms with. But I was made to feel bad for the actions of an adults, I was always lying and takeing the blame for my mum. I think my view on things is very warped. In a very careing, loveing person and I'm not sure if I'm careing too much about his feelings, weather he is controlling me or he cares little about me. I'm confused

As a survivor of a 30 year abusive relationship, I say you should dump him.

Don't waste time trying to fix him, he's already showing a level of control that will be hard to change. In fact, I reckon he'll get worse the longer you stay with him.

You'll also need to get some counselling for yourself to strengthen your boundaries. The Freedom Programme from Women's Aid is a good starting point.

Googlecanthelpme · 10/03/2022 18:26

OP please please please step away from this relationship. If you can’t face the prospect of leaving please at least see if you can visit with family or stay away with you and your daughter for a week or two.

It’s not healthy, it’s not right. He is abusive and controlling.

He is not insecure (I mean he IS) but that is not what is driving his behaviour. He simply wants to dominate and control you.

It is NOT NORMAL.

you’re 22 with a baby girl, please please consider leaving this absolute arsehole. You deserve so much better. You won’t even realise how bad you feel until you get of this situation and realise how good it feels to be your own person, away from this very damaging environment.

AffIt · 10/03/2022 18:27

You are very young. You are in an abusive relationship.

Please get the help you need to leave and move on with your life. Posting on the Relationships board will be helpful.

CormoranStrike · 10/03/2022 18:32

@Sophie1029734

Okay so heres a bit of context. We are both 22 with a 2yr old girl. I've always found my partner to have a lot of insecurities which he projects on to me, he expects things from me which I consider controlling. For example I'm in the wrong for wanting to go out with some friends (his girl cousins!!!) Because he doesnt trust me not to cheat. I've never given him a reason to think I would. I havnt been out with friends once during our 4 yr relationship because of his extreme views about it. I havnt met up my college friends since college.. well I basicly have no friends anymore because I've become so distant with every1. Asking if I've cheated on him when hes come in from work. Thinking the reason I'm not wanting sex for a couple days is because I'm getting it elsewhere. I understand he has insecurities and he has stopped accusing me of cheating after I've snapped at him for it. Anyway, heres what the question is about, I gave context because I'm not sure weather it's me being in the wrong or him projecting?

So I enjoy fashion. I've lost weight and I'm feeling more like myself again, pre baby. I've had some new clothes (I like the edgey, weird stuff) so I've been posting these outfits on to Instagram. I'm not posting anything sexual, just selfies. I think it's fun. Makeing a little account on fashion, builsing a following, following others who do the same and looking at their creativity. I've felt very house ridden through out our relationship and I guess I feel quite fre doing it Because Its something I enjoy, I felt like I've lost myself through out the years.

hes very upset about it.. thinks I'm being disrepectful and I'm doing it to get male attention. I say over and over again, I am not. I do respect his boundaries and I wouldnt never post lingerie photos (no hate if any1 does 💜) but posting a photo simply standing is being treated like that? It's as if a selfie is porno shot to him? I posted a photo which had some cleavage, it was just the top i was wearing and it wasnt much at all. But apparently I'm being pueposfully revealing, says my boobs are the centre of attention.

I know everyone has different boundaries but I'm starting to feel depressed. Like I have a magnifying glass on me all the time. And I dont know weather he is wrong or am I? Im confused.

This is not a healthy relationship.

Why do his views outweigh yours?

You want to go out with friends, you want to post photos, you want to not be accused of cheating.

I’d split with him.

VodselForDinner · 10/03/2022 18:36

Why are you still with this creep? You’ve posted so many times about him and he gets more awful with every post.

He’s controlling.
He’s a shit dad.
He expect you to be a domestic slave.
He’s horrible to you.
He constantly pisses all over the toilet and doesn’t clean up after himself.
His family are awful.
He’s shit in bed.

You could do so much better.

DaisyStPatience · 10/03/2022 18:36

This is really sad to read. He's emotionally abusive and it sounds like he's completely conditioned you to believe that this is normal. It isn't about insecurities, it's about control. This is no way to live.

Howshouldibehave · 10/03/2022 18:40

@VodselForDinner

Why are you still with this creep? You’ve posted so many times about him and he gets more awful with every post.

He’s controlling.
He’s a shit dad.
He expect you to be a domestic slave.
He’s horrible to you.
He constantly pisses all over the toilet and doesn’t clean up after himself.
His family are awful.
He’s shit in bed.

You could do so much better.

Wow-is that the case, @Sophie1029734?

If so, I agree-why on earth are you with someone so vile?

How would you feel if your daughter had a baby with someone like him in 18 years?

Flexitarian · 10/03/2022 18:42

Trust your instincts. You think he’s controlling because he is.

It’s not as easy as ‘just leave’ - but do reach out for some support. Your HV, GP or domestic abuse services. Insist on going out and seeing a friend - what do you think would happen if you just said ‘I’m going’?

This is really not a good situation and it’s no wonder you are starting to feel depressed, as you are losing your independence

FrogFairy · 10/03/2022 19:38

Please leave. This is no way to live and no way for your daughter grow up.

There is a better, happy life out there for you and your little one.

Hawkins001 · 10/03/2022 19:43

@Sophie1029734

Okay so heres a bit of context. We are both 22 with a 2yr old girl. I've always found my partner to have a lot of insecurities which he projects on to me, he expects things from me which I consider controlling. For example I'm in the wrong for wanting to go out with some friends (his girl cousins!!!) Because he doesnt trust me not to cheat. I've never given him a reason to think I would. I havnt been out with friends once during our 4 yr relationship because of his extreme views about it. I havnt met up my college friends since college.. well I basicly have no friends anymore because I've become so distant with every1. Asking if I've cheated on him when hes come in from work. Thinking the reason I'm not wanting sex for a couple days is because I'm getting it elsewhere. I understand he has insecurities and he has stopped accusing me of cheating after I've snapped at him for it. Anyway, heres what the question is about, I gave context because I'm not sure weather it's me being in the wrong or him projecting?

So I enjoy fashion. I've lost weight and I'm feeling more like myself again, pre baby. I've had some new clothes (I like the edgey, weird stuff) so I've been posting these outfits on to Instagram. I'm not posting anything sexual, just selfies. I think it's fun. Makeing a little account on fashion, builsing a following, following others who do the same and looking at their creativity. I've felt very house ridden through out our relationship and I guess I feel quite fre doing it Because Its something I enjoy, I felt like I've lost myself through out the years.

hes very upset about it.. thinks I'm being disrepectful and I'm doing it to get male attention. I say over and over again, I am not. I do respect his boundaries and I wouldnt never post lingerie photos (no hate if any1 does 💜) but posting a photo simply standing is being treated like that? It's as if a selfie is porno shot to him? I posted a photo which had some cleavage, it was just the top i was wearing and it wasnt much at all. But apparently I'm being pueposfully revealing, says my boobs are the centre of attention.

I know everyone has different boundaries but I'm starting to feel depressed. Like I have a magnifying glass on me all the time. And I dont know weather he is wrong or am I? Im confused.

Based on all this, why would you still stay with him ?

IReallyLikeCrows · 10/03/2022 20:15

He's not insecure. He is controlling. You are a person in your own right, you can go out with friends if you want to, you can wear what you want to, you can post what you want to. You don't have to put up with someone constantly accusing you of cheating on him. I mean ffs, he has come home from work and asked if you've cheated on him?! That is so far beyond normal that it's run past normal twice and normal is now completely out of view.

You've been together for four years so I'm guessing you don't have much relationship experience outside of this one with him. If you had I'd hope you'd be aware that this isn't normal. He is abusive. He is messing with you emotionally and preventing you from having any life outside of him and what he says you can do. You need to leave him before he destroys you.

YoBeaches · 11/03/2022 04:14

The answer is: your partner is in the wrong .

You can wear what you like, go where you like, with whom you like, and post what you like. These are your decisions.

He thinks they are his decisions. They are not. Why would he or anyone have such rights over another humans life?

This is abusive and you should get out before it gets worse.

LaraDeSalle · 11/03/2022 04:50

The problem with someone exerting control/power over their partner is that it always increases each time the partner gives in and is submissive.

It started with not seeing g your friends and he got away with that so now he’s trying to stop you posting pictures of yourself online and then what?

Maybe he will insist you stay indoors or you only wear the clothes he allows and so on.

You also have to factor in that at some point your refusal to go along with his wishes may trigger him becoming violent as he realises that his words are not enough to pressurise you and he has to resort to physically coercing you

Holothane · 11/03/2022 05:15

Leave and soon lives too short this is no life, he controls you it will only get worse. Hugs

VenusClapTrap · 11/03/2022 06:17

You are not in the wrong.
This is a toxic relationship.

ChairCareOh · 11/03/2022 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

BottleBrushTree · 11/03/2022 06:26

He’s abusive and controlling. If you stay with him your daughter will learn that abusive and controlling relationships are all she is worth and she will repeat the pattern of normal you are showing her.

mrsbitaly · 11/03/2022 06:41

I don't think he's being purposely controlling given the info you have given but that absolutely doesn't make it ok.

His insecurities are suffocating you and you have lost so much already to try and keep the peace or to reassure him. This is something he needs to work on and speak to someone about.

You just need to sit down with him and tell him what you have done to reassure him over the years and you can no longer be controlled by him and he should trust you or it is not going to work.

dworky · 11/03/2022 06:51

You are in an abusive relationship & I promise you he knows what he's doing.
The thing you need to do instead of finding excuses for him is to get out before his abuse erodes your self esteem to the point where you're totally under his control.

Original poster

Sophie1029734 · 12/03/2022 22:55

Things that happened today made me open my eyes.

Even yesterday. I went swimming with lo and stink of chlorine and my hair was feeling like straw. I wanted a shower so I said that. He said he wanted a shower. I said but I want one.. I'll only be quick. After moaning about it with each other I just let him go first because he said he will be quick too. 10mins had passed and I hadn't even heard the shower. Hes in the bath. 50mins pass and hes still in there. After moaning he eventually gets out 1 hours later.

He justified it by saying I changed my mind. I was thick of dust, my body aches from work. But I said.. why didnt u just let me go first for a quick 5 min wash? I was waiting around for an hour. Then when I got one it was lo's bed time so i had to be extra quick, and he moaned at me for it.

It just made me even more in to everything. Then today happened which I'd bore your heads off. But after it all I said your mentally abusive and such. I explained everything that just happened and why it was, he lied about it all, said I have memory loss. His stories change 10 times for each thing, when I enialated his excuse he came up with another.

I do think.. how deep has this gotten in to my head? Because I'm here thinking if he even is doing it on purpose, if it's me and my reactions which are wrong. Is it me misunderstanding and over reacting? Is it because he Is just insecure and depressed, maybe he dowsnt relise how his little affection and selfishness affects me? Maybe he doesnt mean to be inconsiderate.

And now I feel the need to act like nothing happened and plan a dinner for tommorow.

I can see it though..

I will leave when I can x

OP posts:

Is it me or my partner in the wrong? (Internet posting)

Interested in this thread?