Feeling like my baby's harder.....

[TeethingProblems123]

Hi mumsnetters. NC for this. I'm feeling a bit down and incompetent, looking for some reassurance really. I've a beautiful, much longed for, 4 month old. No PND, mostly feeling pretty good, albeit tired. But, I've started to feel like my baby is harder work than all the others I see. I've been to a baby music group today which was lovely but honestly I've come away feeling crap. I seem to be surrounded by babies who will happily sit on their mum's lap or lie down contentedly whilst mine cries or just wants picking up. He was also sick (as in just brought up some milk) all over the floor - not a single other baby did this! We went for coffee as a group afterwards and my baby cried in the pram for ages before falling asleep. Not one other baby was crying! They either gazed around or fell asleep. I feel embarrassed, esp as one mum gave me a pitying look when he sicked up. It's bringing up age old feelings of not being good enough, like I'm doing it wrong but everyone else has it sussed. I just felt like I had a 'normal baby - he's very smiley but goes 0-100 in seconds - until I'm with other mums and their babies and I come away feeling like shit frankly. Does anyone else feel like this or has done? I think I need my head wobbling and a reminder that I'm not alone. Please god tell me I'm not alone in this as I feel like I am atm! I love him so much, I think he's wonderful, but I hate feeling so different.

You are definitely not alone. My kids were never settled. They were really hard work until about the age of 2. Ever since, they have been brilliant company and very independent. I like to think it's because they are geniuses and were bored just lying about and unable to walk or talk I am joking really but it will get better and honestly, the other mums are too busy watching their own babies to be feeling sorry for you. If they are are a bit smug at the moment I'm sure things will change when they have crazed toddlers to deal with!

You’re not doing anything wrong at ALL. It might be that your baby IS harder work than other babies, or perhaps those babies you saw at the group have bad days too and their mums don’t talk about it.

I had one very fractious, high maintenance baby who cried and screamed her way through her babyhood, followed by one extremely chilled-out baby who grinned all the time, slept like a champ and rarely cried. It was just luck. They’re both in their teens now and both lovely.

Be kind to yourself. You and your baby are just fine as you are. I hope you have good opportunities to take a break or catch up on sleep, as it’s very hard work being a baby’s primary cater, especially when that baby is a bit unsettled and demanding.

Some babies are much more work. It’s just a fact. Mine screamed every second she wasn’t touching me for almost a year. She barely slept. As a toddler it changed, but she still was never like the other kids and required more intensive parenting. It was exhausting and I do remember feeling very self-conscious about it in groups and on the playground.

I developed a better attitude about it eventually. She got a diagnosis and I got to the F-U stage in the 40s where you just don’t care anymore.

Btw, she is an absolutely amazing teenager now and my life is much easier.

Mine was just like that. I remember the pitying looks and feeling so envious of calmer babies. It was shit. However he is now the most amazing g child and I would t change a thing about him. Some babies are just like that. I stopped going to structured classes because it just wasn't worth it

My baby was sent by the devil himself so that every other baby could see how not to be. This tiny man was constantly deeply unhappy with the world and angry at everything in it. He had reflux and probably colic, who knows as he cried all the time anyway. He slept terribly and raged throughout the day.

He was perfect.

Tell you what, I wouldn't swap him or change him. He is 10 now and delightful, hilarious, joyful, bright, light of our lives.

My first baby was a little angel and I thought it was down to me being a children's nurse and very used to babies and being chilled with him.

Then I had my second - and wondered what had hit me and where I had gone wrong. Needed constant attention and was a total nightmare - until she started walking at 8 months.

She then calmed down and learned to sleep.

Some never calm down.

No such thing as a perfect parent - just a good enough one. And every child is perfect - perfectly individual.

My friend and I had babies at the same time. Mine was calm and hers was a nightmare. She was diagnosed with colic at 4 months and went to bottle feeding and calmed down dramatically. She’s a fantastic kid now; full of energy and quirk and imagination!

You’re not alone but it’s common to feel like you do. 💐

Yeah I do think there's such thing as easy babies and demon babies. I had a demon baby. They just all come out with their own temperaments! It's nothing you are soing. However... Things change.

A friend of mine had an angel baby, breezed through the early months and then had a right meltdown once her baby wanted to do more than just sit there and smile. She really struggled to cope.

Whereas my high needs, unsettled, cries non stop baby just got happier and easier as she got older. She is now a very happy very sociable and really very well behaved 2yo.

Please don't judge yourself, the fact that you are worrying at all suggests you are a good and attentive mum and it's clear that you just want your LO to be happy. Their time will come!

Thank you all so much. I cannot tell you how helpful these replies are. Been feeling very sorry for myself today!
I think it helps to know that it doesn't mean they're always going to be like this, and it's not something I'm doing. I like to think he's curious about the world -- makes me feel better when he won't stay still like the others seem to! I would love it (secretly, bit mean really) if another baby cried in one of these situations, it'd make me feel better!honestly it amazes me that young babies will just sit there gazing about them, I didn't think they did that until I went to these bloody groups 🤣

Sorry, I should have added that my poor friend felt the exact same as you do.

I went to a new baby group today with my 3.5 month old. He was the only one who cried and whinged the whole time.
Please don't let it worry you. Each baby is different and it's nothing that you are doing or not doing right. Next time it'll probably one of the other babies turn to be a little grizzly

And yes to sleeping terribly. He cries and fights in the day and does two hour stints throughout the night 🙄of course, most of my friends' babies are sleeping through....

Oh and 4 months was peak of awfulness for us. There's a really bad leap around then. Give it another 6 weeks and things might be very different!

Some babies are more work, simple as that. I have an 11 week old who refuses to nap in the pram unless moving, so I'd look at your baby and be envious. Its all relative.

And the pitying looks? I bet they are sympathetic looks. My now 3.5 year old was very high needs, and people were generally lovley and tried to make me feel better if he was kicking off while all the other babies were comatose after baby sensory!

@TeethingProblems123

And yes to sleeping terribly. He cries and fights in the day and does two hour stints throughout the night 🙄of course, most of my friends' babies are sleeping through....

That's what they say but no-one has it completely rosy! Mine is 4months. For ages everything on our NCT group chat has been people just sharing the positive but no one is escaping the 4mo sleep regression!!

I also had the same at a particular baby class, first couple of sessions mine whinged and cried the whole way through. No matter what people say it makes you feel like crap. We had a couple of weeks off and she has been much better. And some of the previously quiet babies were being the loud ones! Hang in there.

Jesus, you’re not alone. I used to come out of baby groups and cry because I wasn’t gazing at my beautiful babies lovingly like all the other mums, I was firefighting with mine. Admittedly I had pnd and twins, but mine have always been a handful and I’ve never had my shit together.

4 years on now though, I don’t care so much. My kids are happy and confident, they love me and I love them and they’ve survived so far despite my feeling I’ve done it all wrong. There’s the occasional trip out where I’ve felt I’ve completely nailed it, but mostly I’m still firefighting. The only difference now is I’ve got the ‘don’t judge me’ face down now

@TeethingProblems123 My first was a nightmare in EVERY sense! shes 5 now, my second was an angel from day one and still is now! Even when teething he was fine. Expecting number 3 and hoping for the same again

Hats off to you @MuchTooTired I'd not have left the house 🤯I almost didn't go to the group - it makes me very anxious - but I thought well he's a baby...doing what I think babies do! I don't want to let the anxiety stop me or the perceived judgments. I think I'll keep going to them...

Well someone told me that different personalities suit different ages. Your baby will come into his own when he is ready. Perhaps he just wants to get on with it but is frustrated he can’t!

Maybe he is under the weather.

My baby seemed to have a volume setting way out of proportion to every other baby I ever saw in public. It’s ten years ago and I still remember now how embarrassing it felt to have the loudest!

I had one a bit like this.

He was terrible at feeding for the first few weeks and, looking back, I'm convinced it was because he thought he knew better than me how to do it even at a few hours old. He'd get annoyed that it didn't work, refuse to latch on and scream his little lungs out. And he was loud. Decibels louder than the other babies.

The going from 0-100 in a few seconds seconds rings a bell. Mine would get so angry if his needs weren't met instantly. I remember having an internal exam when he was around 2 months and he started wailing. I insisted he'd be fine for a few minutes and that was just him grousing, but the doctor was so alarmed by how loud he was that she called someone in to hold him until she'd finished.

He was pulling up by 5 months and crawling by 6 months. At baby sensory, he'd crawl for the door and start off down the corridor while the other babies were beaming to 'Say Hello to the Sun'. He was really, really fast...I'd have to half-run to keep up.

The sleep was awful until he was on the move. After he started crawling, I'd put a waterproof suit on him and let him loose in parks and empty playgrounds and he'd crawl around until he was exhausted. He slept much better after that.

He was walking by one and I spent most of 1-3 alternatively running after him (if we were in a safe place) or dragging a dead weight along on reins (if we were by the road). I only ever got to chat to other mums if we went to somewhere enclosed where the children were essentially caged in.

He's 4 now. He's still active, strong-willed, bolshy, confident and stubborn but he's also very sweet-natured, gentle, cuddly, sociable and loves his friends and his teachers.

@MuchTooTired. I was firefighting with mine

I felt like this too. DS never wanted to follow the easy path. If we went to a new toddler group, he'd ignore everyone and play with the door. When stopped, he'd grin and then run rings around the class leader. I only went to groups where the leader/other parents were very tolerant and understanding.

Some babies are harder work than others. My DC's were the harder work variety, they couldn't sit still through a group/class, always wanted to be up and off exploring. Other babies were content doing nothing and sat happily, while mine fought and struggled for freedom!

Eventually I gave in and set them free and we just explored together, although I did change to groups where this was okay and eventually wouldn't go back to some of the more structured ones when it was made obvious it was frowned upon.

I will be honest and say the toddler years were the same for me, however it does get easier when you can bargain with them! And DC1 was later diagnosed with ADHD, but that's definitely not the case for every 'more active' child, most do settle down in time. Honest.

I've had 3, all very different so yes, maybe yours is harder work. That doesn't mean anything though. My constantly screaming, almost made the childminder quit he was that bad baby is an absolute dream at age 6. My chilled, perfect textbook 3rd child, utter demon at nearly 4. Most highly strung preschooler I've ever known.

Theyre all different, they all go through phases. Just get through each day.

I had two easy babies-was very smug
Then I had no3
He smacked me in the face at every turn
He was high needs-he had to be either touching me or had to see me every minute of everyday (I left him with family once in the first 4 years and he just howled the whole time-his first day at nursery was fun)
Didn’t sleep-I had about 20 minutes of sleep in 6 months
Hated being in the pram-unless he could see me and we where moving-I spent the first 6/7 months just wearing him in a sling
Hated sharing-anything
Hated wearing clothes-he spent 99% of the time naked
Hated the world-unless I was there all the fucking time,I remember sitting with him on my lap,crying my eyes out that I just wanted one private pee
We couldn’t do mummy and baby groups as he’d just scream until we left

He’s 22 now-still hates wearing clothes,still gets about 6 hours sleep in every 48 hours,still likes to come in while I’m on the loo (he’s not as bad now,he will talk to me from the other side of the door)
He’s got loads better with the sharing-unless it’s food
He still likes to know where I am but at least he’s not touching me 24/7 and I can go out of sight without screaming until I get back

Honest to god,at the time he almost broke me-we are very close and I adore him but he’s still hard work

Your not alone

@Bluelillies he's 22?
@TeethingProblems123 - you are not alone. Like one of previous posters I have twins and one of them was SUCH hard work until she could sit up. Turns out she had bad silent reflux and that was part of the reason why she never wanted to lie down and only slept on me. Also have older DC and none of my 3 have ever been a sit gazing round the room types - too much need to MOVE..! We were recently in a cafe and I saw a little baby (