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Original poster

In the world outside of MN is LTB as common as it is here?

67 replies

Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 07:43

My marriage is a happy one, but I'm sure 99.9% would tell me to LTB. The other side of the coin, is that I know in practical (and mental terms) it just wouldn't be worth it. But I'm sure there must be way more cases like mine?

OP posts:
Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 10/03/2022 07:49

I don’t really get this idea that mn will tell you to leave the bastard if he eats the last kitkat. I’ve never seen it used when a poster is overreacting, unless it’s ironically.

I think mn would’ve told me to ltb if I had posted about my ex. Because I need to leave him, because he’s a bastard Grin.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 10/03/2022 07:50

I’m real life no one will ever tell you to ltb. That’s why it’s good that mumsnet is here.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 10/03/2022 07:50

*in

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Women's health
SW1amp · 10/03/2022 07:55

No, only here is LTB the first course of action for everything

I find the attitude to marriage here so so strange, because it’s both lauded as the ultimate thing for financial security, kids happiness and love, and is special and worthwhile

But at the same time, it’s also completely disposable and should be dissolved at the first sign of any undesirable behaviour, or slight deviation from shared goals
Don’t try and save it, just kick him out now

I actually once saw a post that said something like ‘marriage is really special, so you should divorce him because he doesn’t deserve something as special as marriage’ Confused

It’s absolutely bizarre

megletthesecond · 10/03/2022 07:56

I think it a lot in RL. Have only ever said it once though.

AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 08:00

What does your husband do that makes you think mumsnet would tell you to leave? Other than joking, I’ve only seen it when the bloke is treating his partner badly. We all know that women often stay in bad relationships for a variety of reasons, life is complicated, but that they would often better leaving. I think it about a lot of people in real life to honest, most men seem to be crap partners and fathers and I don’t know how anyone puts up with them. 😬 My bar is high.

mowly77 · 10/03/2022 08:03

Uh no. LTB is actually really complex especially if you have DC; all your assets are in common; you are not filthy rich; & it’s not simply a question of packing your bags and swanning out the door to your second home with a tinkly laugh. Man there have been so many times I fantasised about it over trivial things I can’t even remember now and I bet he has too but I’m glad I never did. Life has many many more shades of grey than on an anonymous Internet forum.

Any sort of abuse however - LTB. And for me, infidelity. Instant LTB. But I know many would also try and make a relationship work and rebuild trust. And that’s their choice.

EarringsandLipstick · 10/03/2022 08:04

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

I don’t really get this idea that mn will tell you to leave the bastard if he eats the last kitkat. I’ve never seen it used when a poster is overreacting, unless it’s ironically.

I think mn would’ve told me to ltb if I had posted about my ex. Because I need to leave him, because he’s a bastard Grin.

Exactly.

Firstly, in RL, it's rare that you have much opportunity to offer your opinion on someone's relationship. And when you do, there are often sensitivities that preclude being direct.

Sure, there can be too much casual LTB at times.

However, more often, posters identify problematic behaviour accurately and hone in on it.

No-one IRL would have said I should leave my 'lovely' H. On MN I think the fact he was completely abusive would have been picked up & addressed.

Merrymouse · 10/03/2022 08:08

No, because

1). Whether it’s breastfeeding, step children or relationships, people tend to post on MN when they are having difficulties, not when everything feels fine.

2). You don’t see the whole situation in MN. In real life several things can be true at the same time.

Moonface123 · 10/03/2022 08:12

l think we 've woken up to the fact that generations before put up with very poor behaviour and standards. Women are much better protected now financially, and attitudes have changed re single parents. My Nan tried leaving my abusive Pap twice only to be told by various landlords they would take her, but not her two kids, so no choice but to go back to him. Thankgod times have moved on.

Calandor · 10/03/2022 08:19

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

I’m real life no one will ever tell you to ltb. That’s why it’s good that mumsnet is here.
I've told plenty of people to LTB when they actually describe bad things
GrendelsGrandma · 10/03/2022 08:22

An awful lot of posts on here are women who 100% know they should LTB but need validation before they take that step.

AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 08:23

Many of us on here are the adult children of parents that should have split up. When I hear about women staying in relationships where the bloke is a cunt, as well as thinking of the woman, I think of the children. I was completely powerless as a child and my parents treatment of each other and me is something that has impacted my whole life. So staying because it would be hard to leave and start again isn’t good enough. I heard that excuse my whole childhood. My childhood and whole life would have been better without being exposed to my parents fights and my in particular my fathers behaviour.

Coughee · 10/03/2022 08:24

I've read about some shocking, awful abuse on here - verbal, physical, sexual, emotional and financial. I've rarely seen ltb used outside of that context. So, yes, if someone I knew in real life asked me for advice on their husbands abuse, I would absolutely be encouraging (and helping) them to ltb.

itisyourbirthdayKelly · 10/03/2022 08:26

@SW1amp

No, only here is LTB the first course of action for everything

I find the attitude to marriage here so so strange, because it’s both lauded as the ultimate thing for financial security, kids happiness and love, and is special and worthwhile

But at the same time, it’s also completely disposable and should be dissolved at the first sign of any undesirable behaviour, or slight deviation from shared goals
Don’t try and save it, just kick him out now

I actually once saw a post that said something like ‘marriage is really special, so you should divorce him because he doesn’t deserve something as special as marriage’ Confused

It’s absolutely bizarre

This. I’ve never understood it.

I’ve posted about my relationships many times over the 17 or so years I’ve been on and off mumsnet, dh and I wouldn’t be together still in our largely very happy marriage had I taken the LTB advice when I was venting about situations that were ultimately sorted out with no drama.

It also works on the assumption that all women can leave. Giving people advice on benefits to claim when shock horror, the family already claim benefits and the poster already knows how harsh it is.

I was once told “imagine you and your children being housed in a lovely little cottage by the sea.” That was peak mumsnet for me.

for what it’s worth, I had ladled advice about a mortgage, it was only in dh name as we wouldn’t have got the multiples we needed in my name too as I wasn’t working. Ended up being told he was financially abusive and that I needed to leave. Some posters were like dogs with bones over it.

Coughee · 10/03/2022 08:26

Do I hear ltb used as much in real life? Well no, because people don't often talk about this stuff in real life. In fact someone I know has just been assaulted by their husband and the police called. I had no idea this was going on. And I doubt that's unusual.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 08:27

Yes, times are different. My MIL never left her husband even though he was the cheating type (with men and women) . My DM has never divorced my dad because they've agreed on the financial side.

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 10/03/2022 08:27

I don't think I've ever told anyone on MN to LTB but I do wish "why are you with the bastard?" / "how did you end up with this bastard?" were more common questions. And this translates to real life. There's not many of my friends I want to divorce from their husbands but I am curious to fuck how they ended up with them/why they stay with them. It comes from a place of curiosity of course, but probably not a bad idea for some women to reflect on these questions.

'WAYWTB?' is quite the acronym.

SW1amp · 10/03/2022 08:27

@mowly77

Infidelity is always a MN LTB situation, but in real life, the majority of people I know who discovered their husband was cheating have tried to make it work

One even took him back after he left for the OW, and then had that relationship break down, which is as verboten as it gets on here, but was well-supported and encouraged by friends, and seems to be doing better since they got back together than she was while they were split

Mumoblue · 10/03/2022 08:28

I don’t think LTB is that overused to be honest. The behaviour people tend to post about here is honestly gobsmacking, but people seemed so accustomed to it that LTB seems like a big reaction to them.

Honestly I wish I could say LTB more often in my life. I know one couple (I’m related to one of them) right now where the writing is on the wall and they’re obviously headed towards a breakup and I really don’t get why they don’t just call it off. But I have no wish to stick my opinion in where it’s not wanted so I just have to smile and let them make their own mistakes.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/03/2022 08:29

I'm a very "LTB" person but I did actually LTB myself as an unemployed mother of a 10 month old. It wasn't easy of course but I'd never stay in an unhappy marriage for money or comfort.

Coughee · 10/03/2022 08:30

Isn't it GOOD time are different though?? The less shit women feel they HAVE to put up with then the less shit men will feel they can get away with.

Villagewaspbyke · 10/03/2022 08:33

If 99.9% of people would tell you to ltb, why is that? Is he abusive? It’s hard to leave but it’s definitely worth it. My parents had an awful toxic marriage but were too scared to break up. It’s hard a terrible legacy on us kids.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 10/03/2022 08:34

@AlmostMaybe

Many of us on here are the adult children of parents that should have split up. When I hear about women staying in relationships where the bloke is a cunt, as well as thinking of the woman, I think of the children. I was completely powerless as a child and my parents treatment of each other and me is something that has impacted my whole life. So staying because it would be hard to leave and start again isn’t good enough. I heard that excuse my whole childhood. My childhood and whole life would have been better without being exposed to my parents fights and my in particular my fathers behaviour.
I second this.

I know children growing up in a horrible home and DP and I have told the mum involved that she should chuck the arsehole 'DP' out.

The upshot of doing this in RL of course is that you can then get turned on and pushed away, which is maybe why it's not done as often in RL as it is on an anonymous forum.

But many, many women do need to leave their bastard. Or at least let their children do so.

AlternativePerspective · 10/03/2022 08:37

The thing is that people are often desperate to project their own situation on to others.

I’ve seen threads where people complain about something their partner has done where posters have kept on insisting that he must be abusive in other ways, and OP wouldn’t be complaining about this one thing if she was in an unhappy marriage, and on and on and on it goes until the OP feels almost bullied into admitting she’s in an abusive relationship even if she isn’t.

Absolutely some women are in abusive relationships, but we have reached a point where relationships are seen as disposable, and you should just leave if you’re not happy. When actually, a long term relationship has ups and downs, and you won’t always be living in blissful happiness, and sometimes you will have differences which you might have to work together to resolve. The answer doesn’t always have to be to ltb.

And there seems to be no recognition of how difficult it actually is to leave. Posters say things like “get to CAB and find out what benefits you’re entitled to. Managed to do it, you can too.” With little thought to the fact that if you’re leaving the family home with no money, potentially no maintenance, and no job then you’re setting yourself up for a lot of years of struggle. Being a single parent really isn’t a great place to be, and there are many situations where someone just doesn’t feel they can leave.