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Original poster

In the world outside of MN is LTB as common as it is here?

67 replies

Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 07:43

My marriage is a happy one, but I'm sure 99.9% would tell me to LTB. The other side of the coin, is that I know in practical (and mental terms) it just wouldn't be worth it. But I'm sure there must be way more cases like mine?

OP posts:
JiannaTheWitchQueen · 10/03/2022 08:42

Well I was told to ltb on here and in rl for months before I did it. No regrets, it was an awful situation to be in. I'm glad I was and I'm glad I had so many threads of different unreasonable behaviour I could read and be reminded of.

I have started to feel very strongly about there being more to life than marriage and family and supporting your husband. I don't want to be a supporting act to someone else's main character in my own life and story!

I could still be with my ex now. Miserable, inconsidered, shouted at when I got upset. I married someone who wasn't actually committed to me! If you think 99% of people would tell you to leave then maybe there is something wrong with your marriage?

Cocomarine · 10/03/2022 08:42

I think it’s a myth that it’s over used on here.

Villagewaspbyke · 10/03/2022 08:47

@SpinningTheSeedsOfLove - agreed. I know someone who got back together with an ex who abused her child sexually. Needless to say the child is no longer in contact with her. I was appalled abs in this case said so.

Lots of reasons why leaving is hard. But there are also some women who can’t be single no matter how awful the partner. Also some who don’t want to lose financial status and comfort.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Women's health
MajesticallyAwkward · 10/03/2022 09:26

@Onlyrainbows if it's a happy marriage why would 99.9% tell you to leave?

I think more people should LTB, I know many people IRL that I've told should walk away but they stay and are miserable. The woman with a dp who constantly tells her she's too fat, restricts her food and won't introduce her to his family or friends because he's embarrassed of her appearance, the woman who's dh has cheated and told her it was because she wasn't pretty enough, the couple who hate each other, all would be better off ending it.

On MN you only get what the poster sees as the truth so when it's inevitably biased the picture you get is that the dp is a bastard... so replies are to LTB

QuietKingdom · 10/03/2022 09:33

No, in real life people expect you to stay, there is a lot of pressure to maintain stability, stick with it, keep quiet. I agree with pp comments as I'm another adult child of parents who should have split up. After my mum finally LTB, when she was hospitalized and the attack was in public so she couldn't deny it any more, she said she knew she should have left in the first year but her parents convinced her not to and she knew she'd be judged for giving up so early on and wasting the money her parents spent on the wedding. She stayed for 20 years. I wish mumsnet had been around to tell her to get the hell out of there ignore the comments as it's yours and your children's lives at stake, who cares if the relatives tut about it for a bit.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 09:50

[quote MajesticallyAwkward]@Onlyrainbows if it's a happy marriage why would 99.9% tell you to leave?

I think more people should LTB, I know many people IRL that I've told should walk away but they stay and are miserable. The woman with a dp who constantly tells her she's too fat, restricts her food and won't introduce her to his family or friends because he's embarrassed of her appearance, the woman who's dh has cheated and told her it was because she wasn't pretty enough, the couple who hate each other, all would be better off ending it.

On MN you only get what the poster sees as the truth so when it's inevitably biased the picture you get is that the dp is a bastard... so replies are to LTB[/quote]
Because most people would find it unacceptable (not all of them though) but also none of these people know me day in day out. We don't bicker, we don't argue, I feel loved and wanted. He just has his flaws, and to many they'd be unacceptable but not for me.

OP posts:
Coughee · 10/03/2022 10:11

Isn't it better that one woman hears ltb unnecessarily than a large number of women hear 'stay with the bastard' when they really need to consider leaving? If most women would find your dh's behaviour unacceptable then surely its OK for them to say that?

I do agree though that it should be acknowledged that leaving is no easy thing. I hate it on here when people rightly say ltb and then expect the poor abused op to go right ahead and to that by page 2 of the thread!

Villagewaspbyke · 10/03/2022 10:12

If you know 99.9% would find his behavior unacceptable op, that is a huge red flag. Only you can say if you are happy but would you (for example) tell a friend or your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 10/03/2022 10:14

I only know one woman who's LTB.

I know plenty of women who should!

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 11:27

@Villagewaspbyke

If you know 99.9% would find his behavior unacceptable op, that is a huge red flag. Only you can say if you are happy but would you (for example) tell a friend or your daughter to stay in a relationship like yours?
I would say that marriage is a balancing act, and she could only know what a red line is for her. Not because other people find it unacceptable it should be the same and viceversa.
OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 10/03/2022 11:41

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I only know one woman who's LTB.

I know plenty of women who should!

And I know plenty of men too. How my father stood it for so long I have no idea.
AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 12:02

Because most people would find it unacceptable (not all of them though) but also none of these people know me day in day out. We don't bicker, we don't argue, I feel loved and wanted. He just has his flaws, and to many they'd be unacceptable but not for me.

I think the only things that most would say ltb for are forms of abuse. I wouldn’t class abuse as a person having flaws. Some people would describe a very man with bad temper resulting in his partner getting a beating as a flaw. That’s abuse. So it depends what these flaws are and whether you are kidding yourself that his flaws are actually abuse and women who are abused do minimise abusive behaviours for many reasons.

AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 12:04

I would say that marriage is a balancing act, and she could only know what a red line is for her.

If there’s children involved, it’s not just her that matters.

SarahAndQuack · 10/03/2022 12:08

No one in the history of the world ever left a secure, happy marriage because a stranger (or a bunch of strangers) told them to LTB. That's why MN is helpful.

I know it's fun to do this thread every now and again, but the last one was only a couple of weeks ago.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 10/03/2022 12:12

It's true.
In RL women are expected to accept being treated like shit and stay with really awful men and forgive almost anything.

Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 12:17

@AlmostMaybe

I would say that marriage is a balancing act, and she could only know what a red line is for her.

If there’s children involved, it’s not just her that matters.

Yes, but if the children are not affected in any way shape or form, it's definitely just down to her.
OP posts:
FarDownTheRiver · 10/03/2022 12:45

Is he abusive? I don’t know how you can guess 99% would disapprove.

FarDownTheRiver · 10/03/2022 12:47

@WouldIwasShookspeared

It's true. In RL women are expected to accept being treated like shit and stay with really awful men and forgive almost anything.
This is true, but then a lot of of people think you lacking if single. And there is still judgement in being a single mum.
Original poster
Onlyrainbows · 10/03/2022 13:01

@FarDownTheRiver

Is he abusive? I don’t know how you can guess 99% would disapprove.
I wouldn't call him abusive no, maybe financially? But even then it would be a grey area and that was in the past too. the one thing he's always shown is that he's willing and capable of changing.
OP posts:
Mumoblue · 10/03/2022 13:17

I find that many people confidently assert that their children are “not affected” by the issues in their relationship, only for the children (when grown up) to have a completely different view of that.

Marchmount · 10/03/2022 13:18

The general starting point for any discussion on mumsnet is that the woman is right/ blameless and the guy is wrong. Exceptions to this rule are if the woman is a stepmum or MIL and in that case they are always to blame.

As this forum is filled predominantly with women then we tend to identify/ empathise with the woman in any situation. Even to the laughable point where the womens behaviour is finally judged to be in the wrong then many posters will find some way of blaming the man for “causing” the woman to act like she did.

There is also some women who like to boast/ shame other women with the “well I wouldn’t tolerate X, Y, Z - I’d leave him for that” with the not so hidden implication that they are a much stronger, more assertive, altogether better person for apparently not tolerating any nonsense.

AlmostMaybe · 10/03/2022 13:20

Yes, but if the children are not affected in any way shape or form, it's definitely just down to her.

Some parents are so self absorbed in their own issues that they are oblivious to it affecting their children. My mum still denies that her and my fathers behaviour affected my childhood. I was physically and emotionally abused but I was aware of far more than what they thought about the things going on between them. My friends dad had various affairs that her mum turned a blind eye to, her parents thought she didn’t know but she did and she said she always felt very insecure in her childhood.

You are not saying what your circumstances are so obviously it’s difficult to comment.

PeacefulPrune · 10/03/2022 13:24

I wish there was a LTB equivalent of
"Have an honest conversation with the person you're annoyed about"

I'd use it as much as the LTB crew do

Quartz2208 · 10/03/2022 13:24

Everyone has different boundaries though and what constitutes crossing of lines is different for different people. If your relationship is happy for you it doesnt matter whether I or anyone else would find it an acceptable or line crossing behaviour.

Quite a few often are asking for reassurance that the behaviour they consider to have crossed the line would be the same for others. And usually it is.

Sometimes people want to stay for the children - which again as a previous poster has said isnt necessarily the right thing to do either.

Some need help escaping and how to plan it out and support.

Some need to vent and not want anything else.

And some are so in the FOG of the relationsip they no longer know what their boundaries are

GeneLovesJezebel · 10/03/2022 13:25

I regularly tell a work mate to LTB, she agrees that she should but won’t.