In the world outside of MN is LTB as common as it is here?

[Onlyrainbows]

My marriage is a happy one, but I'm sure 99.9% would tell me to LTB. The other side of the coin, is that I know in practical (and mental terms) it just wouldn't be worth it. But I'm sure there must be way more cases like mine?

To be honest I would only say that you would get such a strong reaction (99.9% of people saying you should leave) if he was seriously abusive. Then that would definitely affect the kids.

Relationships all have their ups and downs and everyone has their faults. But if you think 99.9% of complete strangers would tell you to leave, there must be some very serious problems.

Mumsnet does make me laugh, I posted years ago about my husband not doing his share of the housework and I got quite a few ltb. Thankfully I didn't and instead we talked (maybe shouted a little) about it but now everything is 50/50. I wasn't going to divorce him over the hoovering as frustrated as I was at the time, mumsnet does seem to hate men a little. I always find it funny how posters tell women to be put on their partners mortgage if they are unmarried and the house is in his name, but then if it's the woman who owns the house "whatever you do do not put him on your mortgage".

Mumsnet does make me laugh, I posted years ago about my husband not doing his share of the housework and I got quite a few ltb. Thankfully I didn't and instead we talked (maybe shouted a little) about it but now everything is 50/50. I wasn't going to divorce him over the hoovering as frustrated as I was at the time,

In cases like that you just need to talk to your husband and tell him things need to change. If he’s a decent man, he’ll listen and make the necessary changes, as yours obviously did. I just wouldn’t feel the need to post on mumsnet in the first place about anything like that. My partner is a reasonable man, he wants us to be happy, so one conversation with him is all that would be needed, not a post on mumsnet. I think that’s the reason why people often think there’s more to it when people post about seemingly simple things. I think social media and forums have made people share stuff that really doesn’t need sharing, just talk to the person and get it sorted.

@Quartz2208

Everyone has different boundaries though and what constitutes crossing of lines is different for different people. If your relationship is happy for you it doesnt matter whether I or anyone else would find it an acceptable or line crossing behaviour.

Quite a few often are asking for reassurance that the behaviour they consider to have crossed the line would be the same for others. And usually it is.

Sometimes people want to stay for the children - which again as a previous poster has said isnt necessarily the right thing to do either.

Some need help escaping and how to plan it out and support.

Some need to vent and not want anything else.

And some are so in the FOG of the relationsip they no longer know what their boundaries are

And I fully agree with you there Quartz. I know that to most (or at least a decent number), what we does in his spare time is "crossing the line" but it isn't for me so it's most certainly a moot point.

As I've said it before, I would never had figured it out if he was either better with money or had a higher salary.

I LTB before my DS was born, as exP was abusive. It seems to be very unusual though, I can't actually think of any women I know with DC who have left their partners, even when they were very abusive and/or not even providing financially. When relationships have broken down, it's either been women leaving who have no DC, or the man has left.

It takes a lot of strength to make the choice to leave especially when you know you'll be a single parent. We were in a dire situation for years - we got a council house eventually but had to rely on benefits for years. A lot of people looked down on us. I think it's a situation that many women want to avoid at all costs, even if it means staying in a bad relationship. It worked out well for us, as I'm financially very comfortable now and happy in a new relationship, but I suppose for some people it's better to stick with what you know.

OP. The thing that makes people say LTB is the combination of the persons behaviour and the other person being unhappy. As you’re apparently happy, it doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t tell someone to LTB in real life unless they were complaining and I thought the behaviour was abusive.

@Marchmount

The general starting point for any discussion on mumsnet is that the woman is right/ blameless and the guy is wrong. Exceptions to this rule are if the woman is a stepmum or MIL and in that case they are always to blame.

As this forum is filled predominantly with women then we tend to identify/ empathise with the woman in any situation. Even to the laughable point where the womens behaviour is finally judged to be in the wrong then many posters will find some way of blaming the man for “causing” the woman to act like she did.

There is also some women who like to boast/ shame other women with the “well I wouldn’t tolerate X, Y, Z - I’d leave him for that” with the not so hidden implication that they are a much stronger, more assertive, altogether better person for apparently not tolerating any nonsense.

MN in a nutshell.

@SarahAndQuack

No one in the history of the world ever left a secure, happy marriage because a stranger (or a bunch of strangers) told them to LTB. That's why MN is helpful.

I know it's fun to do this thread every now and again, but the last one was only a couple of weeks ago.

Yep, I tend to find that though many women here are married you only hear about the extreme ones because generally people in happy marriages don't go complaining to complete strangers on a public forum about their spouse.

I do know people who only tell me the bad things about their partner (usually never anything divorce worthy) but I do wonder why their partner chose to marry someone who dislikes them so much.

The vast majority of ‘LTB’ responses are asking the OP to swap one sort of shot situation for another sort of shit situation

In the real world, most women know that there is no easy life heading their way, and the MN myth of ‘you will have your self respect’ doesn’t actually pay bills or provide an extra pair of hands, or ever bring any actual self esteem

The reality for a lot of women is that really LTB would be downsizing the house, being financially worse off each month, potentially moving kids’ schools and then being rewarded by seeing your ex in a shiny new relationship while you are on your knees with tiredness doing the work of 2 parents

Of course there are some relationships where it’s worth leaving even though it means all this

But some of the ridiculous reasons given by posters to leave - mismatched sex drives, a husband who has expects a wife on Mat leave to deal with a newborn, a husband with a weekend hobby…
It’s cutting of nose to spite face stuff and no sane person in the real world would do it

Now I’m intrigued op. What he does in his spare time? Is it gambling? Or prostitutes? Cycling? Serial killer? It all depends on what it is.

I am also very curious as to what 99% of people wouldn’t put up with, but the op does.

I think it's brilliant that it is used so often. Far far too many women are tolerating miserable situations, and don't seem to have considered it as an option to explore.

Funnily enough anyone male that I spoke to in RL didn’t see an issue with XP kicking furniture around and taking the piss out of my “time of the month/menopause” whenever we argued.

Female friends in RL and posters on here saw both as spectacularly nasty and told me to LTB. I loved him so much, and he was also lovely the majority of the time, but I realised that he didn’t love me or he wouldn’t have continued to do these things after I’d repeatedly told him they made me feel disrespected, intimidated and upset, and that the kicking stuff around was officially abusive (and technically common assault). Many posters on here may put up with men breaking stuff, throwing stuff, calling them names and making them feel like shit because “that’s what happens in arguments”. My ex tried to convince me I was just over sensitive and ridiculous for objecting to his behaviour. Thank god for mumsnet and for LTB posters who made me see that I didn’t need to accept this behaviour in my own home - or indeed anywhere else.

I also left my XH after posting on here 10 years ago, and we were both much happier with that situation. Even taking my subsequent DP’s nastiness into account, I was happier than I was with XH!

Society is geared towards the oh poor menz attitude.

Most abusive things men do is brushed under the carpet, minimised or waved off as a boys will be boys thing.

A good measure if if a woman did the same people would be up in arms and telling the man he shouldn’t put up with it and leave.

I’ve never seen a post on here to LTB without very good reason.

If you think MN would suggest that to you and you don’t, you may well find yourself in a worse situation ten years down the line.

A friend was in a horrific marriage I sent her details of a solicitor she stayed. She has left him a decade later but her DC are irreversibly and deeply damaged and she is a complete shell of a person, and has suffered a massive financial loss than if she’d left previously.

Nobody is going to LTB unless they’re absolutely desperate IME. But women need to know walking away from a destructive relationship is a healthy and realistic option.

I’ve taught my DC to never become a hundred percent reliant on anyone. To strive for financial independence, learn to drive, keep a close eye on household finances and not tolerate being treated as anything less than equal in their relationships.
And they all know they all have a home with me for as long as I’m around, no matter how of they are, whatever their life situation.

@Villagewaspbyke

Now I’m intrigued op. What he does in his spare time? Is it gambling? Or prostitutes? Cycling? Serial killer? It all depends on what it is.

The closest from my POV would be gambling. But over the past 4 years, he'd always spent the same amount of money so it hasn't spiralled out of control.

I’ve never seen a post on here to LTB without very good reason.

Really? Because in the last week, I’ve seen one where LTB was advised because they have mismatched sex driver, LTB because he doesn’t want to do night feeds for a baby when the mum is on mat leave and he is working full time, and LTB because a man has gone out for the first time in a blue moon and got drunk, with his pregnant wife’s blessing